DEALING WITH THE PAST

As a single lady you learn to deal with a lot of things, one of which being the ability to deal with the past…your past. The words ‘tell me about your past’ could be a nightmare for some because it means recounting tales that she may not be proud of. I’m not saying we are all ‘high track record’ holders but you have to admit that sometimes referring to the past brings memories that you may prefer to keep where they belong…in the past.

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In a society of pretence like ours where women are assumed to be saints and men suffer from satyriasis,  it’s no surprise that a lot of Nigerian women are afraid of talking about their history; in some cases, young ladies brag about their ‘pastless’ life or their ability to keep secrets in the dark because they have been made to believe they own trophies and may have earned a high premium on their bride price. Once I was having an open conversation with a group of ladies about childhood crushes, first kisses et al….  until one of the ladies said ‘I thank God, I’ve only had sex with one man so I don’t have much to talk about’, as much as I could see her innocence in that comment, she failed to realise that she had just opened a container load of drama. As you would expect, a few of the other ladies felt slighted while the others retaliated with questions on her abilities to please a man in the sack due to her ‘inexperience’.

Not everything about the past has to do with sex, it could be failed friendships, crushes and anything non-sexual but you have to admit that when to comes to talking about it there is an emphasis on sex and number of sexual partners, especially in a big city. As we know, Lagos is big but it is also very small because everyone knows everyone so it only takes a few questions to get to the juicy gossip, in recent times, all you need is a twitter fight (with or without pictures) and Lagos would be the least of your worries.

Recently in the salon (yes salon!..I see you rolling your eyes), I overheard a group of ladies brainstorm on how to deal with a ‘past’ situation. One of the ladies had started dating a guy whom she believed was ‘the one’, they had been together for about four months and now Oga wants to know about her past in Lagos. As a man with an ego, his rationale was that he wanted to know everything without the fear of getting any ‘surprise gist’ in public, you know the type of gist where his boy goes ‘Oh boy na you dey knack that babe now’ or ‘Isn’t that Yemi’s ex? I didn’t know they had split’  

So here is homegirl in a confused state because she had something to do with one of his not-so-close friends  a few years prior to meeting him and she’s not sure if she should tell her boyfriend or not. I listened as her friends gave their different opinions, their advice ranged from saying the whole thing to saying some and saying nothing at all. To back up their opinions, they expressed concerns on the possibility of Oga being uncomfortable with the idea of his woman having something to do with someone he knows so it’s best she keeps that information to herself.

I could try to understand them because no woman wants to come across as the shitlock that has been opened by every key in the neighbourhood but at the same time I believe there has to be some form of open communication for there to be trust in a relationship (I could be wrong). In situations like these, I often wonder should the past even matter and if it does, how much and when do you tell your partner? I’ve heard sayings like a woman doesn’t say everything she knows to avoid drama that could be avoided.

As for the young lady, she decided not to talk about her past, I really hope that works out for her because mehn it won’t be funny if Oga finds out later.  I also learnt that the magic number is 2 when talking about your past…not more than 2 sexual partners….that is if you want to marry a Naija man….

 

Hmm the things I learn in Lagos.

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14 thoughts on “DEALING WITH THE PAST

  1. hmmmm… this is one more situation where life is somewhat unfair to women.
    So under the pretext that he wants to be open, he gets you to divulge your past, then gets insecure, cos he is wondering if he can match up (especially if you make the mistake of dwelling a bit on one of your exes). Truth is the past really shouldn’t matter, unless the girl’s body count is really, really crazy, even then nko?
    When the guy’s past is chequered and his body count is dizzy, what happens to him?

    I ask about the past for one reason: Just to be sure that there is nothing there that will come and bite us on the ass. Sometimes i get to hear some crazy stuff and honestly it pinches a bit but I thank God that in all cases, it didn’t affect the way I felt about the person.
    I think its better for each party to be honest and just trust God that it will be alright cos if the other party finds out afterwards, it’s always worse. and Guys, let bygones be bygones!

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  2. I’m team “No Secrets” (and team my “mouth is too big to hide the truth”). There is nothing worse, absolutely nothing worse than finding out from others what your partner should have told you themselves. You feel betrayed and you’ll feel you can’t trust them.
    If you think they can’t handle it then you probably shouldn’t be dating them in the first place.
    Also, in this day and age of HIV/AIDS no one can afford to pretend that what they don’t know won’t hurt then

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  3. Loooool at two being the magic number and yes the things we learn in Lagos though.
    Please visit my blog musingsofahappymortal.wordpress.com and follow back 😊

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  4. This right here just happened too few days ago.
    I have been seeing this girl who happens to be my exs friend for about four months. im based abroad but she works in nigeria. I only dated her friend because my friend had her and the only way i could have my way was to pretend i loved her which included doing all the pheripherals a bf needs to do..This got into her head and even after i had my way and left her she was still head over heels for me. as we all know girls talk to each other..she told her friend (my current gf) bout me and how i treated her, cooked nice meals for her and fu**ed her real good..anyway i got talking to her friend from IG then whatsapp and somehow we developed feelings and i liked her… she told me she dated only 3ppls 1 disvirgined her, another was a bf i knew cos we all had mutual friends, and another guy that did chop and clean mouth after she broke up with her bf… but then i think she wanted to be more open and honest with me knowing fully well that after i left nigeria its been hell getting a gf and the ones i like and send money and gifts ends up been an ass..infact i never masturbated when i was back home until i went abroad.she told me she had once had a man friend…according to her tho it wasnt for the money but he was nice to her, they were close and they developed feeling…the only problem i had was he was in his 40s.. i didnt k ow how to deal with the situation because to think that i thought i was with a saint who is upright and all that i ever wanted… she wasnt any diff from those ive been running from… i called her few days later after i called it the rel off and obviously she had cried her eyes out.. didnt have any choice than to forgive her for her mistakes and let things go what i learnt from this is telling a past is not bad but please do it at the right moment not over the phone or thru text…that messes thing up a whole lot

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  5. Getting to know the past is best for a relationship. No matter how awful the past may hv been. If ur partner really Love/Care, he/she should appreciate ur effort of being sincere for the relationship to grow. “Hey dat one no mean say if my woman don do 40 men I go stay ooO”. I prefer knowing d past and I don’t hv to wait for months.
    For those Ladies that prefer lying abt their past, if ur guy gets to knw U hv done tinz with Mr A to Z and U are forming Saint am sure he will port. And Ladies most guys prefer experienced ones with the zeal to stick to one guy. Yes I said so.

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  6. At a certain age we all know we arent saints. My fiance told me point blank he didnt want to know about my past because he also has one. We however did the necessary as two adults. Got all our test -stds don and we shared the results before being physical.

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  7. A bit dicey, there is a time for everything. Yes it is good to be open with each other but there is sense in being ‘open’ and about the ‘how’. Regardless, the past should stay in the past, I mean don’t use the knowledge of the your spouse’s past to treat him/her especially when they are clearly a changed person. If they someone leaves you because of your ‘past’ ..maybe they don’t love you enough and it is best they go.

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  8. A past in the clouds and gender equality is a mighty falsehood that men perpetuate to have their way with women in my experience. When a man wants to do and go, he will say anything to make you comfortable but the moment he thinks its a permanent arrangement, tory go wowo o. The exceptions to that rule are the same all over the world, you are either very pretty, have an extreme body part he has a fetish for, madly in love or you are super loaded but he isn’t. Otherwise a body count of one dozen or a few non obligatory sex makes you a loose geh. When you engage in the gender politics argument, please remember men don’t preggers, women don’t get laughed at because some friends know some girls their man slept with sharp sharp under 2 hours after they met. So lets not pretend we are on MTV. Even in the UK, does anyone know Kate Middleton’s ex BF?
    There is also the angle of “Okafor’s law” hit it once, you can hit it again provided all key parameters are maintained. Men have their insecurities, mostly because when they were told by their friends that this girl is through-pass, they succeeded in landing the babe. So they get worried about the virtues of the one they wanna keep for life. Also, a lot of men have succeeded in banging their exes with little or no effort, same old lies, same old tricks and promises, two weeks of begging and reminding the girl “we have screwed before that’s not why i am here” and the girl goes for it, so now they are afraid that can be their lot too.
    Men have it in their mindset that if others can bone you and move on, why should they be different, they should be able to hit it for free too. So don’t be loose, if you have been, god bless you too, i pray you find someone that loves you enough to move past it and see you for the special human being you are. Every premarital sex you have is a sin against your future husband so be careful. There is also the option of moving to Indochina, at least you don’t have a past there or only bang Ghanians and Jamaicans, don’t do it close to home.hehe

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  9. I met someone recently, and we’ve been good friends. Recently we talked about the past, and issues that we’ve had to deal with/ currently deal with were placed on the table. As much as I was uncomfortable with stuff I heard, and vice-versa, we are even closer by the risk we took to be open to each other. Everyone has baggage for different reasons, and it’s a personal decision to make where we are headed look nothing like where we’ve been, especially when the body count would’ve been more impressive if it was in millions of dollars in the bank. Besides, the spiritual angle is key. Man gats to fervently break soul ties and all sorts of bondages pre-marital sex opens us up to. I’m taking for granted that medicals have verified there are no STDs/impotence.

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