We’ve got mail: Confused and in love

I had something else planned for today’s post..actually some interesting gist but when I got this email from Miss D, I knew I had to put my gist on hold. Before I go on, I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone that has shown me so much love since SingleinGidi started, it feels good to know that other people can relate and also find my ramblings interesting …*group hhuuggggg* ..now on to Miss D’s email

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dear miss gidi

Hello Miss Gidi, 

I came across your blog from a post on Instagram, decided to check it out and since then I have found it interesting. I don’t even close the page, I just keep refreshing it hoping for an update.

I decided to reach out to you and other readers concerning my present relationship because there is really nobody close to me I can talk to without being misunderstood and also my story is related to your previous post concerning dealing with the past.

I have been courting someone for about 8 months now, he lives in the U.S while I am here in Nigeria. Truth be told, I am yet to see him face to face but I intend visiting next month. We met through his cousin and started talking, I talk more with him than any boyfriends I’ve had in the past, from calls, Skype, BBM,Whatsapp and whatever medium you can think of. I know he cares about me and we both love each other even if both families think it’s not safe to have a relationship with someone you’ve never seen in person. I understand their worry but I choose to go with my gut, I have promised myself that if this doesn’t work out then I would try something else. We’re  both young so there isn’t any rush; he’s doing very well for himself with a good job in the U.S while I’m just doing my NYSC; even with all of this, he wants us to get married and start our lives together and I am very happy about that.


Back to the main issue, I happen to be secretive by nature … I don’t know if it’s even a curse or if I unconsciously keep things to myself but my fiancé expects me to tell him everything because he does. He wants to know everything even the unimportant details and when I choose not to say, he ends up thinking I am deceitful. The worse part is that he thinks my words do not match my actions and even when we make up, he ends up looking for ways to find out what I am doing (he is into IT and I don’t know if he bugged my phone because he finds out somehow). He also claims he has people who give him information on me and when I get angry about it, he then says I am bothered because I am not doing the right thing so I’m scared of what he might find out. 

Since we were ‘engaged'(committed to each other) he wants to know everything about my past. I told him all the important ones I could remember (that’s the first step right?) but then he came up with some rules in the name of making our relationship better; he said I cannot give any new guy my number, I must stop all contact with my ex and toasters and I cannot have more than 6 male friends (and all of these male friends must be in serious relationships, engaged or even married.)

I have a problem with this and I am very confused, I wonder if this is what it means to be committed and I’m not ready to be serious or is it just my fiancé and his “Oyinbo” mentality.

On one hand, I don’t want to lose him, because he is all I want in a man, and on the other hand I feel he is dictating everything about my life and I would end up doing all these things just to have him rather than doing them to make my relationship work. Don’t get me wrong, I know being friends with an ex is not healthy for the relationship, but still…all the other rules should be my decisions not him mandating it. 

Please let me know what you think  because I am very confused.

Regards,

Miss D

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Hi Miss D,

Thank you so much for following the blog, I really appreciate it when people find time to read the posts. Posts are usually up on Wednesdays so you can save your refreshing for Wednesdays (at about noon time, that’s if my life offline does not take up my time). Anyway to the topic at hand..

Long distance relationships can be tough especially in a case like yours where you are yet to see him in person. Communication and trust play a huge role so it is very important to be open and work on that trust that you both need. From what you say, it seems your fiancé doesn’t trust you yet which is why he wants to know so much and also moderate the number of male friends you have. If I am to be completely honest with you, most Nigerians in diaspora hear all sorts of stories about girls living here and somehow they do not trust anyone who happens to be here. (sadly)

What I recommend though, is that you make peace ’till you get to see him in person and then you can talk about it face to face. At that point, you’ll be able to observe his body language and much more.

On that note, I do not think I am the perfect person to respond to this because I have not gone through this situation before so I will be putting it up for others to contribute because some of the readers could include people who have gone through this situation as well and would have the perfect advice for you.

Once again thank you so much  for reaching out and I hope you will be able to find the answers you need.

Regards,

Miss Gidi

 

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So there you have it, what do you guys think Miss D should do? Please help a sister out.

Just so you know, my response was sent earlier and Miss D has given permission for her letter to be posted on the blog. If you want to reach out to me or share your own story, you can send an email to singleingidi@yahoo.com. Also remember to follow SingleinGidi on Facebook, twitter and instagram 

 

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13 thoughts on “We’ve got mail: Confused and in love

  1. Personally, I think you should give it time and wait till you see him in person because believe me, for him to still be interested after 8 months of not seeing you, he really is interested and maybe he’s just scared if losing you and don’t know what other way to go about it.

    Visit my blog musingsofahappymortal.wordpress.com

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  2. Lol @ bugging your phone?!?! All the way from US…haba…if he doesnt work for the NSA, then you are fine.
    That’s my contribution as I am the wrong person to give out man advice 😀

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  3. Mnnnnnn I sense he is one of these possessive abusive types . As everyone else has said do visit or better yet he should come and visit , and then OBSERVE . All the rules he is setting out now are only going to get worse …trust me. You can only talk to this and that , you can only go here and there. No men on your BBM (I’ve been there)
    The problem with us women is that men always reveal themselves to us before marriage and we ignore the signs. He has shown you clearly who he is , and if you don’t want that type of life then don’t go there

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  4. like miss Gidi stated, i’m probably not the best person to advise because i haven’t been in such a situation. in fact, i tend to withdraw from a relationship if i feel like i don’t have much of a say/or my life is being dictated by someone else. having said that, i’m all for speaking my mind and letting my partner know how i feel (so things aren’t awkward and all). if you are comfortable, i’d recommend sharing the letter with him..edit it a little but send it to him in an e-mail. i think it’s genuine enough for anyone to understand where you are coming from (including him) especially as words can fail us at times. good luck lady! 🙂

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  5. I may be wrong but ds guy sounds like so meone that wil turn out to be abusive. Of course, everyone wants a loyal person for a partner but if u hav nt given someone a chance to doubt u and they do, u might want to take a walk. I once had a guy who gave me a list of his friends I cld talk to and s ones I cldnt, yet he wld not commit. Think about wat u are doin wel, bcos in d end, its about u. If u r cool with someon dt wld tel u hw to think, talk, act etc then he sounds like ur dream man. If not, put ur foot down and if he is not okay, it is not worth it. One day, he’ll hit u and mk u see hw it was ur fault, since u cld n adhere to the “rules”.
    My two cents

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  6. If it looks like, smells like, mirrors .manipulation, it likely is. I will give you advice. You seem very young you indicated you are an otondo. I have had several relationships and when people give you conditions for being in a relationship it is almost always never good. A few things are red flags to me.
    1. His need to control your interactions even from miles away.
    2. He is insecure and unsure of himself. And he will control you to bring you down to his level.
    3. The fact that he wants to dig beyond what you tell him shows he has respect issues and boundary problems.
    4. Men dont make as good detectives as women. He didnt bug your phone. He might be having you followed though. Which means he doesnt respect your space. Even if you have given him a reason not to trust you in the past, no one deserves to have their space invaded.
    While I would like to be diplomatic and say dont throw away the baby with the bath water I suspect a few things. This guy is older than you and is looking for someone to manipulate. I say keep an open mind. It shouldnt be him or no one else.
    Let no one lie to you. Love is respectful, it can also be very accomodating however it should be both sides accomodating. When someone loves you and you love them in return, you let go of other suitors without prompting, you also are very willing to divulge information without prompting. So my dear you need to sit back and determine if this man is someone you can deal with for the reat of your life.

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    1. This is sheer horrible advice based on spite and bitterness…you have a lot of issues and you need to work on yourself a lot.

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  7. I am going to give you this advice based on your side of the story.
    I was in a long distance relationship for like 3years and i will tell you for free: It is not a joke, it is one of the hardest things you will ever do and it is not for the faint hearted. A lot of things will go down, misunderstandings on simple issues and stuff.
    However, since you are going to see him in a few months, i suggest you wait then to judge his character, you cannot do this over the phone or skype or facebook. Nothing can replace face to face, physical communication.
    While i am not trying to make excuses for your man, Its possible he was hurt in the past, while in a long distance relationship and the only way he knows to protect himself is to be controlling, and to pry into your affairs and breach your privacy.
    I say you go there and find out for yourself face to face, then make a decision based on that.

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  8. As someone who has been in a long distance, manipulative relationship, I can tell you: this is emotional manipulation. Pynk has it sooooooo right.
    I was also dating someone who was “everything I wanted in a man”. He also talked about long term commitment and marriage and of course I was happy. Even though I was in the US and he was in Lagos we talked every day, and it was the best relationship I’d ever been in.
    He displayed the same symptoms as your guy — he started “randomly” hearing my gist from sources he wouldn’t reveal. Plus the gist that was true plus the gist that wasn’t true, he believed all and accused me of being promiscuous. In a bid to be honest I started telling him some of my gist that was a little darker than grey. Then he started getting suspicious if I was hanging out with any guy who wasn’t my brother. The manipulation went deeper and deeper and I rationalized it as the fear of long distance, trust issues, etc. When my eyes eventually opened I saw it for what it was: controlling, emotionally abusive behaviour, and trying to manipulate my actions with his words. I actually went online and took an “Are you in an emotionally abusive relationship?” test because I was going crazy.
    No point repeating all the stuff Pynk said about love being mutual and respectful, but I agree with her 100%. When you go to visit, open your eyes and open your head. Be objective. Be open towards all outcomes. Believe that you’re a loveable person and if it’s not him another person will come. Also, please remember that if you have strong enough doubt/concern/issues that you felt the need to write to a faceless person on a blog (no offense, miss gidi), he probably isn’t really everything you want in a man.

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  9. @pynk & boil…
    It’s so easy to condemn a guy whose side of the story you haven’t heard and basically mis-judge by taking sides with the lady because she wrote about it first. Frankly, your advice isn’t 100% best for the lady; that you both experienced hostile negativity eps in your long distance relationships doesn’t make hers subject to your same distaste and I pray she gets the wisdom to sift the shaft from the grains of the ‘piece of advice’ you’ve both given her..smh

    @Miss D, singleingidi has written some crucial things you need to do and there’s no one adequately correct answer to your issue currently, so I’d just suggest things no one mentioned & give you a little bit of insight as well. It might be a good idea to speak with his cousin who matched you both to see if you can gain some insight into why he’s acting so weird. Trust me, he’d have discussed a little or some of these with him.

    You might also want to work on yourself and evaluate why you’re so secretive in a way that’s breeding these mistrust. While no one is perfect and you can’t change people, you can always work on yourself to being a better person…has your secretive nature been a childhood thing? Have you been timid, reserved or introspective in ways that made you keep to yourself in the past? Has this, or these affected/influenced other friendships and/or relationships in the past as well?

    If you both were together dating physically then it’d have been a different thing we’d be talking bout but it’s been long distance all through so your communication has mainly been interpreted and understood by your responses and conversation with each other. A little insight is this (pls reflect if it’s true)…in getting to know you, it’s likely he’s asked you a thing or two bout yourself/activity, and you didn’t answer satisfactorily. This must’ve occurred a couple of times and you withheld information, or your answers weren’t straightforward. Mistrust doesn’t drop like a waterfall, it grows from small droplets of rain till it forms a pond, then a stream.

    People in IT/ICT are very thorough, calculative, deep thinking people providing hi-tech solutions so he’s probably used to it & wants to do same with you. It’s left to you to find the homely, wifey, loving way in you as a woman to calm those his crazy, ridiculous, high flying, car racing thoughts bout you. You want to build a life with this person so what have you got to loose if you try. No ones gonna build your future marriage for you if you ‘jet off’ like some people are suggesting. If you find out his insecurities are greater than you thought after meeting him, them make your own decision whether to leave or stay. Take this from someone who’s wife used wisdom to nurture her husband, marriage & home to build stable trust for us. I’m forever grateful to her.

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    1. There’s nothing calculative, thorough or deep thinking about trying to control the way a person thinks. It’s just plain insecurity. My advice is don’t wait till you see him. I’m a firm believer in addressing issues as they come instead of waiting for it to fester. That only gives small issues that could have been easily solved to turn into compound messy situations. I say talk to him about his unreasonable rules calmly. If he doesn’t reason with you leave him. There’s no point staying in a relationship where you won’t be able to express yourself and be heard. Has he deleted all the girls numbers on his phone? Do you know how many female friends he has? Nne shine ya eye! KPOMKWEM!!

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  10. Hello there…. Stumbled on your blog via Wordsmithjournal via Bellanaija.

    I can totally relate with Miss D and if she will like a piece of advice, I will tel her to dump the guy and move on. Why? This is simply because I have been in this type of relationship which almost tore my life apart. I was emotionally sad and drained and this was the most harrowing time of my life.

    I always knew this guy from school and we weren’t close. Fast forward to graduation, we met again and then he worked at a top oil and gas coy while I went for an interview in their subsidiary or so. We met again and got talking. He got a scholarship and moved to UK and one thing led to the other, a relationship was established.

    He was one with a temper which I always knew but I let it slide cuz of the butterflies. Then came the trailing and the minute by minute journal of what I did with my life. he practically would get angry when I dont pick my calls and i have to offer an explanation of what i was doing and why the interval. In short, he was in control of my life and I was always scared to offend him as he would rant for an hour or so via the fone or skype…wcheva medium it was.

    We were talking marriage plans but I wasnt happy. I once discussed it with him and his response was I ddnt hv to be scared if i dont hv anything to hide. I am not one for a spill-all-out approach in my relationship because i believe there r things that should be exclusive to me in case an irreconciliable fight broke out. Wallahi, most times I thot of divorce even before the marriage and all…

    In other words, I broke it off when i couldnt bear it anymore because i believe being in a relationship doesnt make u a slave to the other party.

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  11. While I think @D2 had one or two good points, I actually agree more with @pynk and @boli. From the tone of D2’s response, it sounds like he’s saying that it’s Miss D’s fault that her guy is acting this way, and that is just as bad an assumption as it is assuming he’s a psycho control freak with insecurities.

    Having said that though, better to be skeptical first, meet the guy, and then talk out all the issues IN FULL. It is true that men often show women exactly who we are, it’s just that a lot of women ignore the signs. Miss D has the chance to go in with her eyes open, evaluate how she feels when she’s with him and then go with her gut. I may not be married, but I’ve done the long distance thing and communication is the biggest reason why things may or may not break down. Next is trust and some of you might disagree, but you have to DECIDE you want to trust someone. A person can give you a million reasons to trust them, but then you can decide you don’t want to. If the person turns out to be un-trustworthy, then at least you’ve learned a lesson and then you can move on with life. The converse is the same and they could end up hurting you as well, but either way you learn to move on.

    I won’t lie, as I read through her letter, the thoughts that jumped into my head were “manipulative and controlling”. It may take a patient and wise woman to help change him, but Miss D should not rule out the possibility that she might not be the one to do that.

    Great work Miss Gidi.

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