Understanding why you MUST ‘front’

As a young lady, you are taught that the best way to tell a man Yes is by first saying No, *straight face*.

Apparently a man who works harder to get your attention will learn to appreciate you but of course there are exceptions to every rule, like my friend Ama that fronted for almost 2 years and still got treated like crap but I digress.

If you are like me, you’d  begin to ask questions such as ‘why must you say No when you really want to say Yes?’; ‘why must you act uninterested when you are quite interested?’; in summary, ‘WHY FRONT?’

Before I continue, please note that ‘fronting’ or ‘playing hard to get’ in this post simply means making men cross the ocean on foot or jump through hoops for the privilege of spending time with you and/or getting to know you. It does not mean delaying any sexual relationship until emotional intimacy has been established, which of course is the ‘right’ thing to do.

Single women in Lagos take fronting to a whole new level. I am talking pretending to be busy, not picking a call until after the fourth ring, ignoring messages for at least 2 days before responding, giving the impression that she has a lot of guys on her case when in reality she only has that one and so much more. One time, a friend offered me ‘advice’ to tell a guy I was going to see a movie with a few friends when I was actually just chilling at home reading through blogs and another time I was told to ‘offer’ a female friend to a guy I was getting to know so I could observe his reaction (like really?).  It seems that any man looking to chase a Lagos girl must lose sweat, blood and tears in order to get her attention because as they say, good things don’t come easy.

As someone who  prefers to say it as, I often find it difficult playing the dating game…what’s wrong with just being nice? or telling a guy you are feeling him? Do I have to follow the so-called rules that seem to change every year? To be honest, I think there are one too many rules on what to do and how to do it which in some cases make no sense and do not apply to all women. For instance, if Steve Harvey met some Naija boys, he would know that the 90 day rule does not apply to us because the men here will wait for 365 days, get the cookie and still walk away. Let’s not even bring up the short and long-term goals question because in a place like Lagos where hustling is a must, we know how to give those answers on the spot without batting an eyelid; so if you are a young lady roaming the streets of Lagos asking guys ‘What are your short and long-term goals?’ then I sorry for you.

I have tried understanding why women like to front or play hard to get and the reasons I got included

  • Wanting to feel desired – so she will make herself scarce and make the man put in more effort to get her attention either through constant calls or gifts (in Lagos, it’s usually gifts sha)
  • Not looking easy – so she won’t accept the first offer for a date, if she accepts too quick then the guy would think she is easy, desperate and jobless.
  • Men like the chase –   most Nigerian men have huge egos so making them work hard for the lady’s attention gives them the false sense of victory when she finally agrees to spend time with them.

Even with the above reasons, I still do not get it…what’s wrong with being you and not having to pretend? So once more I ask the ladies, ‘Why do women like to ‘front’?’  and for the men ‘Do you prefer a woman who fronts over one who is straight forward?’ 

 

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42 thoughts on “Understanding why you MUST ‘front’

  1. I have been told repeatedly that my jjc attitude of honesty will not help me in this Lagos. If I like you I like you, if I don’t, then I will not lead you on. It seems to me anyway, like accepting the need for deception in matters of love (by over fronting) is tiring and quite frankly ungodly (and these same people would be leading th brigade in religious establishments). I guess what I’m trying to say is that women should value themselves by not just accepting an unserious fellow, but keep the deception minimal

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  2. I don’t know the answer to this question so I’ll wait tot see what other ladies have to say.
    Apparently, I’m not that good at the frontin’ game I’ve been told. “Let a man work hard for you” they say. “Be there forming Don jazzy(i.e cool) and ya one true love go waka go” is what I’m thinking but can’t say outloud! Hehehe
    A man that will like you heck even love you and cross many oceans will be yours, frontin’ or nah

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  3. *sigh* again *sigh* verdict: I’m so guilty of this… and like you said the ‘chase’ ends up in heartbreak in most cases…just a few end up been worth it.. but if you dont have ‘shakara’ they’ll say you are loose and easy and cheap and all sorts if you have too much ‘shakara’ they’ll say you are proud. well I have come to the conclusion(in my opinion oh) just be moderate.. extremes never do anybody any good..
    in other news Miss Gidi, I’m a first time commenter and I’m gonna use this opportunity to say I loooovvveeee your posts!! five stars! its absolutely brilliant, true talks, inspiring (the list can go on :p) and please keep it up(you’ll be bigger than these yeye bloggers that we have :D).. I look forward to them every week(sorry I haven’t been commenting) okay I think that’s enough rants :$

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    1. yyayyy first time commenter *drumroll*

      awww thank you so much for kind words and you should comment more na…plix

      As for doing shakara, I’ve been told that I appear desperate by not fronting …so I wonder if it has now become a normal thing in our society, for women to be unnecessarily difficult.

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  4. I swear, I don’t know oh. I don’t front…I just go with my instincts mehn. Let’s take for example, a guy I had on my case that I didn’t send as much at first then started forming for me when I got semi hooked. In the first few months, this guy would holla everyday to check up on me…at this point, I didn’t really send him, I was still on the fence. So I didn’t always pick up his calls or call him back when I missed his phone calls, why waste phone credit on someone I don’t send? Fast forward to 2 months after, I started to get on his page. Conversations about anything with him was always interesting, so I started calling him back. I don’t know how men’s brains work because when this nikka finally got me all interested, he started calling me less, once a week. At first, I’d call him when ever I felt like it or wanted to share something I thought he’d also find funny, but decided to stop when I noticed I was doing most of the calling. Since I stopped calling the guy, whenever he remembers I’m alive (usually on Weekends), he’s always forming long time no hear/see and why haven’t I reached out, blah blah. When we hang and talk, everything seems great, but then it all resets back to him going mia and not calling. Mehn, I can’t be chasing boy jare. Told the guy to stop forming and wasting my time. So here we are #singleingidi

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    1. Ya I get your point. For every guy, if you don’t show interest for sometime (time varies with people) the guy or even girl will gradually lose interest and come to terms that you’ll just be ‘hi, what’s up only’ kind of friend cos he figures you are fronting so you probably have some one else you are more interested in. The way you answer phone tells whether you are happy to receive his call or just answering to keep your phone battery from dying. 95% of the time when the guy or chaser has decided to move on that’s when you pick interest and start calling. By then it’s usually (not always) too late and you are just the hi, what’s long time friend.

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  5. i’m not sure how this sounds, but i just am not good at the fronting game. it comes naturally to me, if i’m feeling you, u’d notice it via body language and other communication tools. But then again, what do i know?? i am still very single….lol.
    So a part of me is saying to me, y not try the other option..FRONTING…. but really how do people do that? i just don’t like to waste people’s time, d same way i’d get really mad at u if u waste my time.
    I still believe in this – if u like it, go for it…..If not, move on!!

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  6. Honestly, this is so me. Don’t have the time to front. I believe we are adults and know exactly what we want so why delay.

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  7. Omo, I do not know how to front o. Hell, I don’t know how some chicks can pull it off. If I like you, you will definitely know. I’m a woman given to extremes, so I’m either extremely interested (which can sometimes veer off into mild obsession if I don’t reign it in *facepalm*) or extremely uninterested. I
    I find it really strange that men will advocate for a girl who’s ‘real’ and ‘down-to-earth’ and yet when it all comes down to it, they imply that they want to ‘chase’ the girl, and if she’s worth it, she would play hard to get. And I’m like, why should she have to play games to get you interested, when her real self doesn’t have time for that bullshit, and yet you claim you want her to be herself? Like seriously? Talk about contradictions! *rollseyes.*
    But then again, maybe the girls who front have got it covered and I’m the one who will continue to be her blunt, playful self with a house full of cats who will leave all her fortunes to her feline babies like the old woman in aristocats *shrug*.

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  8. Not all men are interested in playing games. I know this because my husband tells me that part of what attracted him to me was my honesty. I firmly believe that what you put out is what you receive. So those who play games attract game players…
    Also, if you want a guy to “chase” you, what makes you think the chasing will stop once he “has” you? The kind of men who seek only the thrill of the chase will continue hunting long after they’ve “captured” their first prey.

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    1. ‘The kind of men who seek only the thrill of the chase will continue hunting long after they’ve “captured” their first prey’

      #deep

      there’s hope for us honest women after all 🙂

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  9. I want a like button on this page…so that I dont have to retype what….nvm

    pheww…I don’t front, no time for that. If I am feeling you, you will know. Of course we gotta to establish emotions before getting the cookie but then again, these rules are not cast in stone…like who made these rules? some people follow these said rules and at the end of the day, the guy turns out to be the devil himself..tsk tsk

    But errmm…notice how we honest women are carrying last, maybe we should try the fronting game -__

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    1. my dear..i’ve been waiting for ladies who are pros at fronting to come comment on this matter because clearly we honest women are missing something …lol but since naijawife said that was what her husband found attractive then we have hope

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  10. Legend/myth has it that when a woman proves hard to get, she is chased and wanted even more. This legend keeps being passed on.
    But the REALITY is a real life survey will show you that guys prefer a lady that shows she also likes them (I don’t mean chasing the guy when he’s trying to front). He values you more and rather if he truly likes you, he uses his energy to make you see it more and also saves you time to move on if he doesn’t have the kind of destination you want in a relationship. Any guy including myself, would feel like he’s on cloud nine if he calls and hears a cheerful voice receiving his call. He’ll appreciate you more and will regret it if you try to leave him.
    It’s when you jump into bed with him cos of a few promises that you are cheap (*used a nice word not sound too harsh*).

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  11. Personally, I never understood the “playing games” business. I always tell guys who mean anything to me, “If she plays games, move on. She’s confused.” That’s my view on the matter…since I was 15. If I like a guy, he’ll know. That’s all.

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  12. No need to front…one particular guy chased me for 5years o, in my mind i thought.. ok now i know him too well let me give a chance now but you know guys he already moved on but still chasing until he gets what he wants he showed me pepper..girls where already on his case and he blamed me for giving them opportunity since i didnt agree. we sha finally broke up, so i will say again no need to front…go for what you want if it feels right. if it doesn’t work you can try again. #My opinion and based on my experience.

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  13. Don’t like chics who front. Fronting ought to be that period of assessment, weighing your options as per if you are interested in a relationship or not.
    My fiancee did not front, as I made it clear I wanted to marry her (we had known each other for a few years) & she decided to watch my attitude before plunging in, this was less than a month.
    Some ladies & guys, miss this point…you like a person, do the chase, the ‘chasee’ weighs the options & decides to go ahead or not, usually this process is less than 2 weeks.

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    1. for me am not sure if i front sef. but i know it can take awhile to for me to warm up to a person or even decide if i want to date a person. so durin that time when am not sure i might not pick your calls often ,cld even sound uninterested and all. but if am really interested in you or when i am conversations and all are very good to go.

      i also do not think having a taste is fronting e.g sayin your like a certain food or visit some places, its what makes you YOU and if the person doesnt like it o well, they can take a walk. i jokingly tell my friends that there are some places you would take me to that would fall my hand, but if am just getting to know you might not complain but if its a friend or when we become gud friends i would forever tease you about it after. e.g if any1 buys fanice ice-cream for me, to be polite i will TRY to take few spoons, because i dont like it and its cheap ice-cream to me. i would rather save up nd buy me sum lovely ones.
      Just saying sha maybe am weird.

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      1. The duration varies but I feel 2 weeks is just about right or at least, you have a clearer view of where you are headed.
        Having a particular taste isn’t fronting, we all have tastes even the toasters. That’s normal.

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  14. Mehn the fronting doesn’t always work o.
    I’m surprised you anti-fronting people are feeling like you’re carrying last cuz I’ve always envied yall.
    I front to a fault! like I can’t even help it 😦
    And to say the least, I ALWAYS regret it.
    Its so weird how the ones I don’t care about forreal stay longer than the ones I fronted for but actually liked.
    Pot of beans life 😦

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  15. By you time you want to show interest the guy may have given up already and put you on his ‘once in awhile friend space ‘ then you wonder if he’s now fronting. Guys can tell if you pick up the phone to save your battery from dying or you pick up cos you are happy he called. No need to front.

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  16. * Blank Stare* Oh Wow…There are honest women in Lagos???? I do not believe this! Either God came down from heaven and performed a miracle or some people are not being honest up in here.
    Fronting is the stock in trade of the average Lagos Girl.
    I have taken a poll on this issue: at work, church, friends, Facebook and the truth? The average woman in Lagos fronts.
    Like Lagos girls front about anything and everything.
    “I don’t do mainland!” It has to be on the island (which is actually one of the dumbest things i have ever heard in my life)
    “I don’t do local food, it has to be Thai” bla bla bla.. (Like your mother is Thai abi?)
    I will say this with all the strength in me, you guys should just say the truth, you lot front!
    When a dude sidles up to you, do you give him the time of the day or do you wish he came in a bigger car or better packaged?
    When the dude was not able to take you to the Sunday buffet @ Four points, were you proud to introduce him to your girl friends or did you call him “Cheapo” and laugh at him with your friends?
    Did you measure his manliness by the depth of his pockets?
    That time, you sat with your friends at Shaunz bar and to look the part and sound cool, you swore on your grandfather’s grave that you cannot cook for any boy that has not put a ring on it, when you knew that you have been cooking for all your exes and you know you will still cook for future BFs???
    Most girls in Lagos date guys not just for themselves, but for their friends (awww, Salewa, your boyfriend is hot o), and for social media too (so the instagram selfies and “usfies” are perfect)
    My dear ladies, Not fronting is not that you walk up to him first to say hi or make your intentions known, (This hardly happens anyways); when you make a judgement call based on the physical and external attributes and other factors that do not even matter in the scheme of things and you know deep in your hearts that you are not staying true to you… you are fronting.
    PERIOD!!

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    1. Your comment says a lot about your “kind” of woman 🙂 admit it. You love a fronting woman. You do. How else does one person end up with all these women? You really can’t just throw up such sweeping accusations and attribute them to “all Lagos women”.

      I used to be a lagos woman and my “few” gal pals and I are nothing like you painted. Maybe you should go out of your comfort “kind” a little bit and explore.

      You will find.

      Amen.

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      1. hahahahaha… A.Bonrue, Please go back, read my comment, take note of the keywords – “Some” and “average”, then come back here and amend your comment by yourself.
        And it is also very obvious that the sarcasm was lost on you, my bad. 🙂
        Because when MissGidi writes a post about the men in Lagos and how they are players, i will go all out to defend them? Of course there are lots of players in Lagos. Since I am not one, i see no need to defend the rest. To each his own. So if you don’t front, park to one side and let those that front tell us why they front. No need to defend yourself or explain to me why you are not. That does not in any way help the topic of this post which is “UNDERSTANDING WHY YOU MUST FRONT.”

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  17. And when you make rash judgements about a particular gender based on the ones you’ve met and spoken to, you’re being narrow minded and quite myopic in your assessments. You’ve not met every single female living and working in Lagos. Hell, people troop into Lagos every day, and each one of them comes with his/her own ideals, values, beliefs, mindsets, etc.There is no way you would have met 1/100th of the women living in Lagos. Unless you work with some organization that does yearly census or immunization for the women in Lagos *shrug.*

    I don’t need to convince you that I and some of the women here who commented do not front. Quite frankly, it’s a waste of my time, and I do not argue with people who have already made up their minds about what is true and what’s not true. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, and I guess that’s yours. So, all the best to you.

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    1. Thanks for your comment, which i honestly think is justified. However, Unless this blog is open only to a certain “Honest Women Association of Nigeria”, then yes I have an issue with the comments.
      And before you jump on me and tear the remaining hair on my head out, I made two statements:
      1. Either God performed a miracle.
      2. SOME people ( please note the caps) are not being honest up in here.
      When I said I carried out a poll.. yes I did. I wont even go into the details.. no need to convince you either.
      And about a “particular gender”, I am not a male chauvinist. I actually respect women a lot (Sometimes, I wish some don’t sell themselves short). This post was about was about women and i did not see any need to digress to Male, even though I believe the attitude of the male gender goes hand in hand with the issue being discussed.
      But if you feel in your heart that you do not front in any way, I celebrate you as one of the few but that is enough to make me retract my statement.
      Hell, if all the commenters above, in all honesty do not front, I still will not retract my statement, however I will agree that this right here, is a gold mine of good women.

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  18. Well, every comment is one’s truth. There is need for fronting, though I usually dont but its not necessary ah well for me. But I used to be real till Lagos boys dealt with me.
    I believe @Kaizerz no need stressing to explain but if everybody is honest, no one is free from not fronting.
    One told me that I was too real and down to earth and he can’t handle the normal me. That putting a lid on my humble self , he would not count it as pretending.
    One told me that, I need to pretend to make it in Nigeria and he is not used to real anymore.
    But always remember what, I read somewhere ” You are perfect for the heart meant to love you” this is so true. Whether you front or not!

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  19. Guys hardly ‘chase’ me, so I can’t tell if I front or not.
    But one thing I know is this; if I don’t like a guy, why waste his time???
    But, I know a girl that won’t front nor quickly accept/refuse, but will skillfully friend-zone a guy until she has made up her mind to accept/reject (-hope this makes sense)
    NB: hope those random strangers that meet you for the first time, addressing you as baby and asking for your ‘CV’ are not inclusive ?! (Hope not!)
    *CV: life details*

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  20. I’m some one who is open and honest ..If I like you… you will see it … and lagos men have showed me well . I try to front sometimes but no work biko. so right now I seek to try another race….. # okbye

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    1. Thank you Girlie. At least I get one reason why people may front. People front sometimes to protect themselves. You are feeling this dude but you are yet to recover from the last “pepper” shown to you by some heartless Lagos boy..and you front for the new guy.. do him the run around etc.. while some people are heartless and wicked about it.
      On its own, its really not such a bad thing to do ( Thanks Sims, for bringing some strong arguments to the table. http://wordsmithjournal.wordpress.com/2014/05/21/the-female-fine-art-of-fronting), but the issue lies mostly with the execution and sometimes the motive.
      In fact, I wont say anything about this issue.. lol.. i am done.

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  21. Why do women front? I will tell a story to show why they do..
    Guy likes girl, he shows that he likes her(or maybe he dey form) anyways, he calls everytime, pings her everytime, begs for her time and the minute she starts calling him for more than 5minutes, the minute she tells him I like you too too early, he starts fronting cuz he thinks he is entitled to her love, he thinks he’s got her in his palm so he misbehaves and misbehaves ABSOLUTELY.
    The solution? Babe stops acting all lovey dovey for the guys after him till they prove they are worth it and even then some still misbehave ABSOLUTELY after forming and passing thru the hurdle.
    So is forming good? Does it pay? Does it really bring respect? For some, no, for some yes… all in all, if the guy can come with a clean intention, things will be better..
    There should be a balance though, don’t be too cheap, and don’t be too available, nor do see finish and don’t also do over sabi for fronting head and lose a good man.
    As a sharp babe, find the balance

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    1. Hey 🙂 Thanks for your comment

      However, I have a question… what do you mean by not being too available? So if he asks you out for movies and you happen not to be doing anything, do you turn it down, especially when you want to see that movie too? won’t that be part of fronting?

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      1. Babe the real answer here is, make it your time and not his… If he says what are you doing on Saturday… let’s see a movie at 2pm. .. say 2pm is bad , how about 4pm.. fronting in very much necessary for Nigerian men because even the good ones will hurt you.

        And you don’t have to lie about hanging with your friends in order not to look too available, just say “Busy day.. meeting up with someone”

        As a very open person myself, I recently discovered that the fewer info you give out about yourself, the more interesting you become, when a man knows everything about you just the first few weeks of knowing you , he gets bored and starts to lose interest.

        But at the end of the day, if he’s meant to be yours , he’ll stay 🙂

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  22. I had always been the non fronting kind, until last year. Met this guy who was a fronter *lmao, made it my lifes purpose to front in return and i got to see things from another perspective. i have come to the conclusion that when a man truly cares about a woman, he doesn’t front. He goes out of his way to show u how much he cares. The downside is that some men only care about a woman for a very short period of time then turns his interest elsewhere. I just started dating new guy and he is all i have ever wanted. I am so sexually attracted to him its unbelievable but i have to front to keep my sanity. What kind of life is this???

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  23. #firsttimeralert.
    Came over from Berry’s blog.
    I loooove all your posts that I have read so far.and as a single girl I can totally relate. Good work and may your ink well never dry.

    Like

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