We’ve got mail: He won’t marry me until I lose weight

I don’t seem to get emails a lot but when I do I get very excited…(sad I know). Anyway here is an email from Miss Jay and as usual she needs our thoughts and input

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dear miss gidi

Hello Miss Gidi,

I really like your blog and that you come across as a very strong and opinionated woman in this our Lagos that can bring you down. I have a concern and I would like to share it with you and other readers of your blog.

I’m 29, Igbo and the first girl out of four daughters that my parents have, my parents live in Imo but I live in Lagos with 2 of my sisters while the last one is in University. In the last year, my younger sisters have gotten engaged but my parents have refused they get married before me which has brought a lot of quarrel in the family. I have tried to convince my parents to let them get married but that has not been successful because they consider it to be a disgrace on the family. I know you are probably wondering how this is possible in 2014 but this is my reality.

I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for about 5 years now and he has said he wants to marry me. He’s a nice guy but has a bad temper which has led to a few quarrels, he never hits me because I will never tolerate it but sometimes he makes me feel bad about myself through his words because he says the meanest things without thinking. I used to complain a lot but I have gotten used to it now and I just ignore him when he says some things because he may not mean them.

About a year ago, when I brought up the issue of marriage, he said the reason why he has not proposed was because I was fat. That became the beginning of our problems and now he is always quick to call me fat whenever we have an issue. For my birthday he bought a dress 2 sizes smaller (I am a UK 14 now) and said I have until December to be that size before he proposes.

To be honest, I have tried all the diets and none of them seem to work. When I lose weight, our relationship flourishes, then he would call me beautiful names and take me out to hang out with his friends and family but when I add anything back, he gets upset and starts avoiding taking me out. I wasn’t always this big, I was a size 10 when we started dating but taking birth control pills has contributed to my weight gain over the years.

Sometimes I am unhappy because it’s not like he’s exactly an Idris Elba himself, he has developed a pot belly but has the audacity to tell me to lose weight or he won’t marry me after all these years.

I know this may seem like too much but I don’t know what to do and I can’t start from scratch again in the dating world.

Help

Miss Jay

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Usually I have a response but this time I asked for Miss Jay’s permission to publish her email on the blog without telling her my opinion. To be honest, it is a tough one and I can somewhat relate to her situation but I want to know what you think of her man asking her to lose weight before proposing or do you think there is more to it ?

Use the comment box below and let’s discuss 🙂 

If you want to reach out to me or share your own story on the blog, you can send an email to singleingidi@yahoo.com or follow SingleinGidi on Facebook, twitter and instagram 

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34 thoughts on “We’ve got mail: He won’t marry me until I lose weight

  1. Is this for real..He is only making you feel bad about yourself to make himself the bigger person.and then the hurtful words and “bad temper”….which can one day escalate to something else.He doesn’t love you.Yes its good to be healthy and fit .But just think about the quarrels in the future,you will get pregnant, what if you don’t lose the baby weight.I would say let him go and the person who would love you for you will come along whether fat or thin.Aren’t you surprised even girls with BO or size 20 still get married.So the man who would accept you will come eventually. Except you are ready to be on a steady weight loss journey.You are not the giver of husbands your parents should understand.Wedding is a days event ,marriage is long time.YOUR PARENTS WOULD NOT BE WITH YOU IN YOUR HUSBANDS HOME OOO.they won’t be there to bear the hurtful words and insults and bad temper. If he is keen on your weight.Tell him that both of you should go the weightloss journey together and that if he joins in ,it will motivate you the more.,give him a suit too and tell him by december he should fit into it before the wedding. (didn’t plan on this long epistle)

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  2. Kindly pardon the following comment – it is very unlike me…

    Miss Jay, tell him this: “Honey” take a look at my left hand – yes the one where the engagement ring is supposed to go… (then hold it up palm facing you… Then VERY VERY slowly, tuck your thumb in… then your pinky… then your ring finger… then your index finger – hold that middle finger up nice and very high and continue where you stopped)… this is what I think of you and your stupid BEFORE-I-PROPOSE assignment. Have a nice life.

    As for your parents, I’m not sure what to say. My younger sister got married almost 3 years before me and there was no issue. Highest, tell your sisters to elope – your parents will get over it.

    http://berrydakara.blogspot.com

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  3. first off, when your man..or anybody else starts saying things that chip away your self esteem,confidence that is EMOTIONAL ABUSE.. he doesnt have to hit you..i didnt realise until recently that i had been in one after reading old emails between myself and an ex…
    about the weight…its the case of Pot calling kettle black…and sister girl…size 14 is not Fat..trust me…how can someone claim to love you truly when the love only blossoms when things are good…abeg abeg…no time to check time…he should park well especially when he’s not exactly Idris Elba as you have said
    just because you’ve been together for 3years doesnt mean you have to marry him…you also have a choice…the choice to say yes or no to his proposal if and when it comes…
    and to his giving you an ultimatum by december…my dear tell him to Park well..if he cant suggest that both of you go on a weight loss journey together or be your loudest cheerleader…he should park well i say again
    birth control pills do not only add weight to an individual but in the run it also affects infertility so my sister you might want to slow down on the pills or even stop them totally..
    Maybe you have also been too available…guys can be such oihdivgfbdsfv,jdcb kdcnclk/jd/ ….no words to describe what i want to say…

    Lastly, my fellow sistergirl…please decide if your weight loss journey is for you or for him…the motive for doing anything is always important…i beg you please do not..i repeat..do not go out of your way to bend over backwards for a man who hasnt put a ring on your finger…i’m not talking about engaged ohh…the whole nine yards…Marriage…

    you are too beautiful to be a doormat
    you are too strong to be tossed about
    you are too wise to let a man fool you
    you are woman
    you are made in God’s image…never forget that

    okay..i’m done.,..i hope this meets you well..

    P.S Miss Gidi i love your blog o jare..well done..this is my first time commenting…

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  4. Is she for real? While I have nothing against losing weight especially as it makes you healthy, she should be smart enough to know when she’s in an abusive relationship or not. Does she need a prophet to tell her she’s in an abusive relationship? Mschewww!!!

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  5. She needs to ditch this man and find a man who will love her the way she is. This is where I draw the line. If I want to lose weight, it will be for my own aesthetic reasons. Not to get nor keep a man. Lets say she heeds his ultimatum and he marries her. Then what will happen later on in their marriage if the weight comes creeping back? 

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  6. Walk away from that relationship and fast!!!

    This is just beginning of the end.. i dread what might happen if he ends up marrying you….

    You might look at it as 5 years of your time wasted, but it is not worth lifetime of potential emotional and possibly physical trauma and abuse.. Mental health is just as important as physical health..

    Mind you, this is my opinion based off one-side of the story..

    As for weight struggles, yes the oral contraceptives will do that to you. Consider other forms of birth control if to have control over your weight is important to you. Check out Vaginal rings or other brands of contraceptives that do not have weight gain as a major side effect..

    Regardless of whether you lose the weight, walk away from that relationship!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. He IS a sociopath. My ex was EXACTLY the same way, steadily chipped away at my self-confidence for almost 7 years till I open eye. Dear sister, run away FAST.

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  7. Wow! Where to start.

    Firstly, yeah, birth control bills can cause your weight to fluctuate, mostly because they affect your hormones and the body has different ways of coping with that. Would it make you add so much weight that a person would go from like a side 6 to a size 16? I don’t think so. But might it cause some extra padding? Yeah it might.

    As for your boyfriend, that guy sounds like bad news. All that crap he has been feeding you is abuse. A man doesn’t need to physically hit you to abuse you. He can do that with his words alone, and considering the fact that it has been going on for soo long that you have become numb to his words and can easily brush them off is extremely telling. The mind registers these words and stores them away. Trust me.

    My advice, imagine if it was your younger sister, or your best friend or your daughter who is in that situation: a woman who is beautiful, smart, funny, loving, sexy and a total star (and that is what YOU are). Imagine if it was any of these people who had someone who has been telling them the crap your boyfriend has been telling you. What would you say? What would you advice them to do? In my opinion, we are quite quick to give great advice to others we love and look out for and yet we can’t do the same for ourselves.

    I will like to end this with something Harvey Specter is quoted as saying (Yeah, I watch Suits *Shrug): Ever loved someone so much, you would do anything for them? Yeah, well, make that someone yourself and do whatever the hell you want.

    P.S: Just as it has been mentioned earlier, your parents aren’t going to be in that marriage with you or in your sisters’ marriages. Tell them they should let your sisters get married or they wouldn’t be part of the wedding. And if they’re still insisting, suggest to your sisters that they do their white wedding and a civil ceremony. Whenever your parents and relatives get back to letting them get married, they can have their traditional marriages. After all, some couples do the trad thing several years after they’ve been legally married.

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  8. 1. Dump the guy
    2. Dump the guy
    3. Dump the guy
    Do u need more advice? My cousin is a size 20 or 22. She had 1 criteria for marriage. The guy who didn’t mock her weight.She found him. Now they eexercise together but he doesn’t poke fun at her. That is so mean.
    Pls consider abstinence. If only to keep d weight off. Lol
    Tell your sisters to elope
    U may meet your man in a year or more. But u don’t need d pressure

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  9. In fact, I’m glad I was patient enough to read all the comments if not i’d have been repeating a lot of what has been said already. Key Takeaways:

    1) This does not sound like a healthy relationship!
    2) It must be hard. You’ve dated this guy for what, 5 years now? And you can’t see yourself with anyone else. I completely get that too! But honey, there is light at the end of this very dark tunnel! You’ve gotta believe it and take swift action.
    3) The sooner you can end this the better! If you really like him enough to forget all those hurtful times, I’d say talk about it with him. Explain that if you’re loosing weight it’s because you want to and not because he wants you to (or that you want to get married). If he’s willing to have that conversation, then have it and see how things go (e.g. does his behavior change? etc).
    4) You’d be surprised, with him gone you’ll happily loose the weight at your own time. Or better still, find a guy that’s lovingly encouraging you to work out and be healthy (going to the gym with you, eating right with you, etc).

    PS – You are loved, no mistake you are perfectly made (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgMALTttZXU)

    Regards,
    Efe of ReviewNaija

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  10. Err.. previous commenters have said it all.
    However, I am going to be honest with you… and this is coming from a guy.. your boyfriend does not love you.
    Even if he wanted you to lose weight, there are so many loving and fun ways of saying/ doing it, eg by leading and being an example, by joining you in the weight loss program ( seeing as he has packed on some weight himself), by abstaining from sex or using protection so that you don’t have to take birth control pills.. i can go on and on.
    Also, he is a bit of a sociopath, whose confidence is hinged on the fact that he thinks that he is better looking than you.
    This is already an unhealthy relationship and i think you should walk away from it.
    Let your weight loss be for you and at your pace, not for any man.
    I still say it.. Marriage does not complete a woman.
    You need to be complete in yourself, first for you to understand and enjoy marriage.
    As for your parents, you need to take a stand.
    They love you and they mean well but they should not be allowed to do that, because they are invariably pitching your sisters against you.
    The end game will not be funny.
    Good luck with your weight loss journey, it is not easy and it will never come in a day.. it is journey, a step at a time, one hurdle after another and you will be fine.

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  11. Let’s try a different angle…does the man know how you feel about this? Do you just internalize and hold your thoughts in just for the sake of peace? Since moving back to Nigeria, many folks think saying “you are fat” is not an insulting comment to make, not to talk of random strangers…and I’m a size 10/11! My sister is a size 6/8 and some over weighed randoms still pull at her quite fit arms and tell her the same rubbish. I just think they have nothing better to say and that was the best they could come with.
    Does he know the reason behind your weight fluctuation? You have stayed with him for 5 years, that is a long ass time to have been taking insults mehn. If you have not tried to have a fully disclosed conversation with him, then try that route first before walking away from 5 years of history. Really, I hope that in the 5 years you have spent with him, there most have been some redeeming qualities about him that would make you see him as husband material. Also let tell him to get rid of his belly if it bothers you too (working together = more bonding time!)
    If you both have a 2 way open conversation about this and he disregards your point of view, then you should rethink your relationship and take a very long view of it.

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  12. All I have to say if he doesn’t love her enough to propose to her for how she is now than what would make him love her more if she lost weight? That’s not really love, I think she should leave him and find someone who will truly love her from the inside out and if she decides to lose weight than it should never be as an “assignment” for someone to make them feel better about themselves . What’s going to happen after they do get married and maybe over the year she gains the weight again is he going to ask for a divorce? She deserves better to be honest 🙂 she doesn’t need someone bringing her down she needs someone to lift her up and feel loved 🙂

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  13. Nobody can tell you what to do. And deep down you know what to do already. Your man is being emotionally abusive. And if you need to lose a little weight do that because you want to do it for you. And do it at your pace. You should not be held hostage by his little ‘assignment’ If he truly loves you, he would love you at 50kg, 100kg, 150kg.

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  14. I read this to my friend and she said reply and say “you are stupid!”
    I was like chill na! But I get where she’s coming from but won’t put it in such harsh terms sha.

    I’ve noticed when we ask for advice for seemingly straightforward issues, what we want is not the answer we know we should go for but someone who will ask us to do otherwise.
    Dear baby girl, you are a baby girl! Size 22-30, size 0-12, size whatever you are, YOU ARE A BABY GIRL!! (Baby girl used here means hot, sexy, intelligent, anything you want to be)
    For someone who has been on a quest to lose weight I know how it is, how it can be and how it will be! Lose weight for yourself not your man, people around you, your family.. Lose it for you! (My goal is to wear crop top and hot pants comfortably, hehehe I told you, do it for you!!!)

    A man who says hurtful things to you about any part of you IS NOT A MAN not to talk about being HUSBAND MATERIAL.
    Baby girl, there are morbidly obese people getting married to size 0 men, a man that will marry you will marry you oo!
    I know what you mean by where will you start from, dating et al but it’s berra to start from scratch than live mental abuse(take it from someone who’s suffered a mental breakdown, it is not a fun place to be)

    So in conclusion, please do not shackle yourself to a sinking ship cos it might start from weight and then who knows, it might be “I don’t like the way your mother speaks, she’s banned from talking in this house”.

    I left the parents bit out cos said friend and I were discussing the same topic a couple of days ago and we still can’t understand why some parents take such a stand! The Lord will open up their eyes to see the way o!

    Phew!! I commented 🙂

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  15. What you need to do is dump his abusive Ass first!! It’s a no brainer. Ever heard of emotional and verbal abuse? He starts saying mean things to you then one day you wake up and you begin to believe them. Next your self esteem is gone and before you say Jack, it translates into physical abuse as well. I’ve seen this so many times were women give excuses for men who abuse them just because they think it can’t get better than this. If you are with a man who doesn’t treat you like a queen that you are, LEAVE HIM KPOMKWEM!!! A queen deserves to be with a king not the joker. why debase yourself so that you can become the wife of an atulu(goat)? Biko Nne you need to remove yourself from a situation that is obviously going to turn ugly in a minute.

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    1. Lol loving you Ifunaya! All I usually do is read the bloggers posts, comments and move on. Being married and a bit of an oversabi seeing I can’t stand stupidity, I try to check my commenting. He he he. Miss Singleingidi, that she asked the question in the first place is a sure sign that she knows what is going on is bad. All she wants is 2 or more people affirming it. I hope she got the affirmation she wanted from all these comments. Let’s pray she heeds the advice. Cos abusive people have perfected the “art” of making you feel they are remorseful and ready to give it a try…. All na wash! Leopard dey change im spots? SELAH. My first day of commenting on your blog.

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  16. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

    Neither should you audition for a spot in a mans life. Its the beginning of things to come. Whatever character traits show themselves in a relationship will only be further amplified in marriage. In this case verbal abuse. You are being abused. I don’t care if you are a size 100, no one has a right to tell you shit except they are your doctor.
    Bare you mind to him, and move on after that if he chooses not to sit up. I was worried about starting over at 31, but it was the awesomest decision ever. I was married to an amazing man 10 months after meeting him. If i had stayed in a rotten relationship, God wouldn’t have been able to lead me to my partner. So my dear, God has shown you the signs of what he hasn’t ordered for your life, but you are considering making it your reality?
    As for your parents, talk to them and make them understand they are putting you kids against yourselves and to allow your sisters go ahead. I got married at 32, my 2 younger brothers got married before, do i regret the wait, absolutely not.

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    1. miss pynk, please did u say 32? I just turned 27 and to say i’m getting frantic is putting it mildly. I’m always trying to figure how God is going to do this. I live and school in a small city here in England and the chance of meeting Nigerian guys is slim. To make matters worse, most of them are in relationships. ,The question i keep asking myself is how does God want to do this one. I am a firm believer in God and his miracles but i don’t know why this one is getting me all shaken up.

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  17. Hahahaa! This mail was so hilarious! He calls you fat? Lmao!

    Anyway my dear there is NO way you are 29 and still thinking like this. Let me tell you a story about a girl I used to know in my college days named Yewande……………hopefully you get the moral of the story!

    Yewande was 21, a size 10 and had just started seeing a guy called Henry. She loved Henry with all her heart and opened her all to him. Introduced him to her siblings and parents, Henry did the same with her and his family. Henry always told Yewande she was too skinny and he needed her to put some “meat on her bones”. He made it clear to Yewande that all his exes “had body” and making love to a girl with “flesh” was so much sexier than a skinny girl! So what did Yewande do? She started eating! She piled on the Eba and poundo, the cowtails and suya, the doughnuts and cakes! By the time she was 22, Yewande was a size 16! Yes, true story!
    It seemed like Henry loved her more (according to her then) and took her out more, always holding her, their sex life became amazing (na she talk am then oh)! At 23 she had to leave Abuja to UK for MSc, and Henry told her he would marry her as soon as she graduated. And off she went to UK, happy, inlove and fat!
    While in the UK, she decided not to return to Abuja after her MSc, in order to gain work experience. She convinced Henry to join her in the UK since he didn’t have a Masters, it only made sense he got one too. Anyway Henry got to the Uk for his Masters and met a slimmer Yewande from the one that left him in Abuja 18 months back. He started throwing fits and they argued and argued, in order to please Henry she went back to KFCs and Kebabs for breakfast, lunch and dinner! Needless to say all the weight she had lost came rushing back two folds and Yewande was now 25 years old going on 26 and a UK size 22! Yes! She started shopping at Evans! If you know UK high street stores you would know the type of sizes Evans carry! Henry was 31 years.
    Henry told all of us he loved her this BIG and huge and she was his queen! So she brought up the marriage topic to him being that they’ve been together for 5 years and she is now his perfect BIG size. What did Henry say? Errm his mother saw a recent photo of her and she vehemently refused to have a daughter-in-law that big and disgusting! So that his hands were tied, and he understood what his mum said becoz of the dangers surrounding fat people, HBP, Diabetes, etc. Henry explained they couldn’t marry until she lost all the weight!
    At that point, Yewande had had enough! She cursed him out and told him to get out of her life! Henry rounded uo his Masters and went back to Abuja the following week leaving her in the UK! They broke up in August of that year when she turned 26! And she still believed that Henry will come back begging and they would work this weight issue out, so she held on to hope!
    In December, we were watching BEN Tv when Bisi Olatilo Productions presented the wedding ceremony between Henry & Isoken! It was described as love at first sight and match made in heaven! The parents of the bride and groom looked so happy together dancing and supporting their children. They showed the bride Isoken, and behold Isoken is a tall, SKINNY (like telephone wire), light skin woman who looked to be no older than 23. The groom Henry told the presenter how he loved his SEXY wife so much and she was the only one for him!
    To cut a long story short, Yewande ended up at the hospital that evening and was on suicide watch for 24 hours, a psych evaluation was done on her, a therapist was notified and her next of kin was made present before she was discharged!

    Years later, I ran into Henry in Lagos recently, and was surprised to see him in Lagos. He explained he is now a father of 3 children, (wife is still a size 10 btw), Abuja got expensive so he moved to Lagos to run his father’s oil firm branch! To say that Henry looked good is putting it mildly! He had biceps, grown a good beard, and was dressed real good! He started telling my husband about how we all rolled back in the UK then turned to me and had the audacity to ask me after Yewande like ah he hasn’t seen her in 6 years now, and hope she’s cool? I just smiled, greeted him and mumbled something about how me and my boo were running late to a family function. We said our goodbyes and departed. Yewande is now 32 years old, a size 26 (put on more weight due to depression) smokes a pack a day, and very single!

    ***So Ms. Mail, if you want to keep being with a man that abuses you emotionally, by all means be our guest! At 29, you don’t need us to help you do what is right for you! I’m out! Sick and tired of women consciously agreeing to be victims! ***

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    1. WOW …i am speechless.This is so heart breaking.I feel like giving your friend a hug.God is going to see her through.So when some ladies generalise and say men are dogs, you don’t blame them.Tell her she is beautiful and loved and she is going to find someone who really cares about her.

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  18. I’ll also chip this in if it helps that you have a high frequency of similar comments. I read a few previous comments and theyve said the truth, I’m a guy and I must tell u that there’s no love here. His confidence and pride to have u as a wife at the end will only continue to swing like a pendulum and trust me it’ll someday hook on the miserable side. A dude that is not proud of u by at least 75% of the tym will give u a cardiac arrest eventually, thays if u don’t lose the marriage before then . Please buy him a size 46/8 suit and tell him he has up to December to fit in without a pot or you call it off. We both know he won’t make it anyway, take this period to pray to God, then look inwards n try to understand yourself, desire, value system etc then start shining your eyes for the onr that will come cos your destiny in life matters more than the 5 harmful yrs UV spent together. More so he contributed to the weight gain and this is sad. Men shouldn’t have to be this cruel. Don’t let your emotions get in the way. Your man will come. With all respect to ur parents here, im wondering what will happen if any of ur sis suddenly gets pregnant? Just wondering….

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  19. pls pls, dump the guy. he’s using you as an emotional punching bag and dangling a marriage carrot in front of you. Plus are you taking the birth control to help your eyesight or your hair grow longer? so he shouldn’t talk like he’s not benefiting. rid yourself of him. parasite

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  20. Run. Run like the wind. He is controlling and emotionally abusive. Even if he never hits you, he is trying to destroy you with his words. He has issues that he needs to work out ON HIS OWN.

    You are created in God’s image and likeness. If you are overweight then for health reasons I suggest you do what you can to stay fit – find a group of friends to keep you on track. But you must do it for your current and future health not because some guy is taking out his issues on you. What rot!!!

    If he loved you, he would encourage you to be fit not berate you.

    RUN!

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  21. She can easily find someone to marry who will be happy with her weight. It goes both way. He wants her to be healthy so they can live a long life together. Obesity kills. It’s not my opinion. Just the truth. We want what we want and it goes both ways. It’s unhealthy to be obese. When pregnancy happens, she will put on more weight. She is showing him that he is not important enough to do that for him and I think if she does not get with the program, he should break camp. That is the one beef I have with this guy since he dragged it out 5 years which is wack. I tell girls this upfront and do not waste any time. If I’m not that important, or we are not that important to live a long and healthy life together, that’s cool. She does not have to do anything really if she does not want but don’t expect for him to marry you. If he had no job or money, you would not marry him. It’s not sooo unconditional now is it? and please don’t listen to women on this matter as they will steer you wrong.

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  22. Hi ,

    Sister, pray to God and have the courage and strength to run from this man. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. If you leave you will have a chance to get someone better. If you don’t leave, you will be in this hell forever. PLEASE LEAVE.

    I am in a similar situation. He won’t marry me till I lose weight. Whenever we have a conversation he brings up my weight and keeps mocking me. He tells me that till I have lost weight he will not speak properly with respect to me. He told me that fat girls’ husbands cheat etc etc. I have always been a big girl. He had seen me like that and liked me. But now my weight issue is the only thing he talks about. He never asks me how am I doing ? How was my day ? How is work ? Nothing. Whenever I initiate any conversation, he tells me “How much is your weight now ?” I feel so humiliated. I started losing self confidence. Became disconcerted and paranoid about my appearance and my weight. Under his extreme pressure to lose weight and constant verbal abuse I became mentally so stressed that I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

    When I asked him what if I lose weight and we get married and after a baby if I put on weight will he divorce me ? He kept quite.
    When I told him what if I got any hormonal issue and put on weight what will he do ? He kept quite.

    Slowly I realized , this man never had my best interests in mind. He never thought about my well being. He wanted me to lose weight so that he could flaunt me and “enjoy my body”.

    I loved him to the core and even now I love him but I can not take his insult, his humiliation anymore. So I decided to leave. I pray to God for his well being but I do not want to be mistreated and hurt by him. So I have left and I am at peace now.

    Sister, pray to God and have the courage and strength to run from this man. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. If you leave you will have a chance to get someone better. If you don’t leave, you will be in this hell forever. PLEASE LEAVE.

    Liked by 1 person

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