When love is not enough

You’ve met someone, a few dates, hour-long conversation on the phone, social media stalking and you think you’ve found ‘the one’ until you face one or more of these annoying ‘deal breakers’.

*sigh*

Having to deal with deal breakers is one of the toughest things in this whole dating experience especially when you are the one with the deal breaker and are faced with the decision to cut loose, try harder or ignore. While you may be certain that your deal breaker makes complete sense, the other party involved may be wondering what could be wrong with your mental state…and they may be right.

Over time, I have come to learn how to differentiate between my preferences and my deal breakers; preferences being what I would like but are not deciding factors and deal breakers being things/traits I could not live with for the rest of my life.  Needless to say, that I as I get older, my list of deal breakers have become shorter and more specific compared to 10 years ago when my deal breaker list was just a long list of physical qualities I preferred in a partner.

We all have deal breakers but having to deal with them is not as easy as it appears. Some people may choose to ignore them and latch on the concept of love (or getting married) and façade of the happily ever after that comes with it but the real question is, when it comes to deal breakers, is love ever enough?

I once listened to a friend rant about how he met the perfect girl but had to stop seeing her after 3 months of dating because they both had the AS genotype, meaning they had the sickle-cell trait and it would affect their future forever. He was devastated but at the end of the day, he chose to let go for the sake of the ‘future’. At that moment, I felt bad for him but I understood because it was something that bothered him from the first day he found out but could not find the strength to end the relationship.

On the other hand, I know of a lady who ignored her deal breaker and married a man who had a different belief system from hers. Two years into the marriage and a kid later, she wants to leave because she can’t seem to find a neutral ground with her husband on their beliefs. Truth is, this issue was always there but she ignored it hoping things would change after they got married…something I find that a lot of women do (i.e. ignoring significant issues that should be sorted before marriage).

So again I ask, when it comes to deal breakers, is love ever enough? Can you overlook significant issues that could affect your life forever when you meet who your heart says is ‘the one’?

I still have ‘should have a broad shoulder’ on my deal breaker list….it affects the future …right? #dontjudge

 

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7 thoughts on “When love is not enough

  1. ok… my opinion is simple and short.
    I love peace… all kinds of peace.. peace of mind.. peace in the family. whatever and i will never trade that for anything.
    If i can’t live with something, chances are that i will walk away.
    people relax when they marry and settle down. They stop trying to please or make their partners happy.. they settle into this comfort zone and things get worse…so invariably attitudes will deteriorate.
    i think people need to be honest with themselves and tell themselves what they can and cannot live with.
    and love has nothing to do with this.
    Just pure, unadulterated common sense.

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  2. My dear Miss Gidi,

    I like this post. I have certain deal breakers, some are way too important to ignore eg the religion I’ll prefer my spouse to have and their extent of his dedication to it.

    I’ll say, for peace of mind and happiness in the future, know what you can and can’t deak with and handle it accordingly. We ladies tend to fear that if we miss out on one guy, another may not come. Abeg, there’s plenty of fish in the sea and you only need one. He will come. Better late than badly done.

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  3. Deal breakers: breathe, great kisser, taller than me when I wear heels (but I can manage if he checks everything else), gazillionaire or en route (I want my private jet and he better be able to afford his own too ;)), believes in God, gotta be very laid back (2 type As = wahala), must love good food and travel. Very simple abi?

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  4. It’s odd that i’ve never had any of those list thingy: Tall dark handsome etc.. I think I should have one now hehehehe 🙂
    Ultimate Deal breaker: A man that cannot stand up for himself! I cannot stand that at all, I think every woman should have someone who knows what he wants and how to achieve them ( maybe it’s the planner in me but the lets see how it goes man gives me ulcers!)
    I really really like Mr A but he’s a muslim and that is another deal breaker for me. I think we (women especially) need to be firm and not let circumstances et al make us overlook deal breakers or call them preference cos it might end up being a “superstory”

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