BEST FRIENDS….till she gets married

In Nigeria (and I suppose everywhere else) getting married is a big deal, so it’s with no surprise that when ladies finally meet their potential husbands, get engaged and then married, it becomes a huge ceremony and achievement to be celebrated (and I am not even trying to be sarcastic). What I have also observed is that when some women get engaged and/or married, they decide it is the best time to cut off a lot of their single female friends, it’s almost predictable and somehow worrying.

In order to understand this better, I decided to ask a few questions as to why some married women ‘break up’ with their single friends once they earn the Mrs title and here are a few responses I got:

  1. Ideologies change – obviously since the women are now in different phases of life, there are certain things that the single female friend may not understand .e.g when a married woman has to take permission from her husband before having lunch with a once female best friend who is still single.
  2. The husband does not like the single friend – this is explanatory but when the husband says he doesn’t like his wife’s friend then that friend has to be cut off for the sake of the marriage.
  3. Nothing in common – I guess this is the same as #1 but for obvious reasons single women and married women no longer have anything in common to talk about once one of them gets married.
  4. She could steal the husband – apparently some married women feel insecure when their single female friends come around their husbands because they could be ‘jealous’ of what the married woman has and therefore try to steal the husband in question (too many dang Nollywood movies I tell ya). So it’s a lot better to get rid of the single female friend before they get any ideas

I’m not trying to start a single versus married women debate here but  it amazes me that when in the midst of a lot of married women in Lagos, it turns out that their major concern is their husbands leaving them for another woman, especially the single ones, so they start out by weeding out the obvious single ladies they know and possibly do not trust.

I’ve never been married before (duh!) but for those who have or are engaged, is there a special reason for letting go of your single female friends? Especially since the husband/engaged brother does not cut off his single male friends…and for the single ladies who may have been cut off because their friend got married, how did it feel and what did you do?

As for me sha, none of my married/engaged friends have cut me off yet…what can I say?…everybody loves Miss Gidi

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20 thoughts on “BEST FRIENDS….till she gets married

  1. I have mostly male friends that are now married. I still have mad love for them et al, but they look mad tired half the time and don’t have the time to hang or catch up like they used to. Taking care of their babies and family is what they are focused on, and once in a while they make the time for single friends like me. I get it. They want to hang out more with married folks with kids, set up play dates, form the married men’s club and all that jazz. As a single friend, there is only so many baby pictures I can look at…seriously. I don’t really care, they know I don’t care, so they carry the pictures to show does who would aww and ahh at the right pictures. The issues they have to deal with are very different from mine. Anywho, I do not think it is so much about the female friend snatching their husbands, I just think their mindsets change. It goes both ways, some single friends avoid their married friends too.
    Even though we do not chat or hang out as often as we used to, whenever we decide to make time for each other, the months of not seeing each other doesn’t matter. We understand that such is life, and make the best out of it.

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  2. i think most times I do the cutting off. Most of my married friends get busy and err.. i save them the pain of having to apologise each time they cancel on me, by gradually withdrawing..also sometimes, when you eventually meet up.. all they talk about is their wives… and their sons/daughters are crawling, teething.. and it gets boring…lol but some of them have learnt to balance it.
    in all, like Yolo pointed, we just make the best out of it and keep it moving. 🙂

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  3. The most hilarious things ever… you don’t even need to be best friends to be a victim (oh no). Some go after innocent by-standers, picking beef and things with you. All of a sudden they don’t like the way you like their new husband’s FB pictures or how you said hello to him. Biko, park somewhere let me see something (LOL), don’t nobody have time for the foolishness. I mean what is up with that… I was friends with both parties before marriage, all of a sudden you’re not allowed to joke with husband anymore, why na? You ppl should please take it easy. ‪#‎noshadebutifitfitsrockit‬ ‪#‎girlbye

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  4. I guess I understand a little bit why it happens. Even when people are in ordinary relationships they start moving away from you and spend their time with their boo or talking about their boo, not to talk of a married person. Thankfully i’m still quite young and most of my friends remain unmarried, I hope it stays this way for a year or two!!

    With regards to cutting off your single females, it makes sense theoretically. Your friend is single and always on the prowl, who says the next victim won’t be your husband, better kick her to the curb while you can. One thing I don’t get is, short of putting a charm on the guy can she force him to do what he doesn’t want to do? If your husband is going to cheat he will cheat, with your friend/sister/ aunty/ househelp/ anything in a skirt. Instead of kicking your single friends (who will still get married eventually) to the curb, why not reinforce your friendship so that they can warn you if he makes eyes at them behind your back? In fact, why tolerate the myth ‘all men cheat’ at all? Find the right man for you and not just the first one that will propose. If you make it crystal clear to your hubby that that sort of thing is a big no no, if he loves you he won’t do it, or is it until he brings HIV/Ebola to your house that you know that maybe he wasn’t the right guy for you?
    (maybe i’m just naive in my thinking sha)
    Simi

    X

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    1. lool! why the confusion dear, The truth is you can’t get up and go like you used to when you where single. It’s not soo much permission but rather informing your partner of your whereabouts and inculcating everyones plan to make sure the home front doesn’t suffer. For instance, you can’t plan to have a timeout with your friedn if its the nanny’s day off.. that will be very irresponsible.
      in my case, it was a fellow married woman. Since I married sh had never been to my house and she was my chief oh! So when I informed hubby I was going to see her he said no cos she has never visited even though she visits the area seeing that her parents still stay there. He said she wasn’t worth my friendship if she cannot spare 30mins to visit me.
      on the hubby snatching reason, my simple response: birds of the same feather flock together… go figure!!!

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  5. Mehn, if you have to consider cutting off your best friend after marriage, then that person is not your best friend. And same goes for if they cut you off because they are married. Dynamics and parameters change – it’s natural because a new person is in the equation. I understand that some folks out there are scheming, but if you’ve made healthy choices in friends, then you should be fine.

    For me, a marriage shouldn’t be threatened because a husband doesn’t like a particular friend of his wife or vice versa; that’s life and you won’t always get along with everyone. As they say, show me your friends and I’ll show you who you are and so if you knew these friends going in, why then after marriage say he/she should cut off certain people because you don’t like them. So if my babe doesn’t like my friends girlfriend or wives I should now not see the friends? Doesn’t make sense to me.

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  6. Friendships change, people outgrow friendships. For me i got married in June technically, i have seen a few people fall off my radar. Some people couldn’t understand that my wedding wasn’t about them! Someone went on about how i didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid, and in the same breath told me she couldn’t make the wedding- to me she is displaying mental instability. She needs to be kept at a distance.

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  7. Haven’t read other comments but, I’m not understanding why you need husbands permission to have lunch with a female friend. Other than making child care arrangements if applicable, I’m honestly shocked that people need permission for these things.

    And I LOL’d at stealing the husband.

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  8. I laughed when I read this as I have plenty plenty stories. I’ve had to do the cutting off for a new relationship not even marriage!
    Found out later it was a smart move on my part! I was friends with the boy and before you knew it madam was texting as “bae” saying he was engaged!
    Biko sometimes we need to for the sake of peace.

    I’ve not had any married friends cut me off yet sha. I was thinking about this and another reason came to mind ” Maybe marriage is not as “ghen ghen” as they thought it to be but to keep the illusion of perfection they need to cut off the nonmembers”
    hehehe
    My aunty once said ” We treat marriage like a cult and nobody tells you anything until you’re in it and then they’re like ” my sister na so e be o!”

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  9. Fortunately my married friends have not cut me off and I don’t intend to do so when I am married either. I guess it’s a question of the quality of friends – my friends are people I don’t have to “worry” about, they sow positively into my life and vice versa by God’s grace. I understand that priorities have now changed and try to give leeway in respect of that. Usually we find a balance. We may not gist all day errrrry day but when we catch up, it is our business as usual:)

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