BANTS

“Do me a favour, take care of yourself.

…my beloved.

You ruined me.”

‘Guys, can you imagine?’ I asked the Knights of Camelot.

‘If I say all girls are crazy you people will say my mouth is smelling.’ Scar said.

It was Friday evening and we were at Wale’s place for our once-a-month all-night soccer tournament.

If there was really a Camelot, it would be Wale’s place. This was where we gathered for video games and cookouts, random visits and not-so-random-or-innocent-gatherings. We had a run of Wale’s house like it was any of our individual houses.

‘You want anything, you know where the kitchen is,’ he was known to say. ‘Just don’t expect me to serve you.’ and nobody waited around to be served by him.

I had just lost to Wale – I never lose to Wale – but I didn’t mind. All evening I talked about Keme. Like, people can work through what happened between us. Yes, we agreed a relationship without trust was folly, and my actions cost me her trust, but I could work at earning it again. Especially seeing as we clearly still loved each other.

The boys couldn’t understand my obsession with someone who clearly had moved on. And when I thought about it from where they sat, I couldn’t understand it either.

Maybe I was better off; we were better off.

I went to the kitchen and mixed myself a drink.

‘Idiot,’ I called out to no one in particular, ‘where you put the remaining coke?’ I didn’t want to open a fresh bottle of coke to mix my whiskey if there was the chance of an already open bottle with one of the guys.

‘Mumu, when you rush enter kitchen wetin be your plan?’ Phantom replied. ‘The remaining coke dey back of Scar leg.’

I came back to the sitting room, walking across the front of the tv.

‘Guy!’ Wale and Scar screamed at me.

‘You don craze before?’ Wale asked, ‘abi na because I whoop your behind?’

‘Abeg shut up.’ I waved him away. ‘Game wey I dash you?’

‘Na that one I no wan hear,’ Wale did not look away from the TV. ‘I won you fair and square.’

‘I don hear.’

‘Wo, abeg stop distracting me. See as this ode nearly score cheap goal.’

We settled to watch them play.

‘Ol’ boy eh!’

‘Sly wetin happen?’ I asked.

‘There’s this handle I follow on twitter, you should see what it posts.’

‘Things like what?’ Wale called over his shoulder; they had resumed play.

‘Bobo come see fest,’ Sly passed me his iPad and the images I saw made me swallow.

‘Mehn! No be this same twitter wey I dey so? How come I’ve not seen any of these?’

‘It depends on who you’re following nau,’ Sly said.

Wale paused the game and asked to see what we were talking about.

‘Sly, are you supposed to view things like this? Does madam know?’ Wale teased him.

‘Wale please behave. Which one is “does madam know?” There’s more sef. I don’t know what the world is turning into. Posting nudes for follow.’ Sly shook his head.

‘Na because people like you dey look am nau. If you no view or favourite am, dem go stop to post.’ I reasoned.

‘You think?’ Scar asked. ‘The other day was “no bra day”, twitter almost crashed.’

‘You should search tittie Tuesday and you’ll be amazed.’ Sly said.

‘I’m just tired,’ Wale said. ‘Oya ode come and continue game for me jare.’

After a few minutes I could not hold my curiosity in anymore.

‘Wait, are you guys saying these girls actually exist on twitter?’

‘I don’t know about “these girls”,’ Phantom said, ‘but I’ve met a few girls off twitter.’

‘You’re such a ho’,’ Wale laughed.

‘Which one is ho’ in the matter?’ Phantom fired back. ‘You know I have your number, right?’ And he proceeded to reel off a number of handles, all female.

‘After you will say we’re all friends.’ I said in mock hurt. ‘You guys having all the fun and me I’ll go on there for the retweets.’

‘Please let us hear o. The number of girls you have access to at that your airport office is more than anything we can find on twitter.’ Wale said.

‘What girls? Is it not the one I accessed that has now broken my heart?’

That drew a hoot of laughter from the guys.

‘First,’ Wale held up his index finger,’she did not break your heart, you got caught and are paying the price. Second,’ his middle finger followed, ‘We all know you don’t have a heart. All this long. Face you’ve been carrying in the hope that Keme will come back is not deceiving us. And third, the twitter market has not closed. You can still join in, if that will take your mind of what Keme said and did.’

‘Well said!’ Phantom exclaimed.

‘Nah men,’ I said. ‘I put that life behind me once, that’s it. I’m done.’

After another round of laughter Wale said, ‘No be today we begin see maigadi with bow and arrow, na wetin e take am kill we never see.’

‘You be real idiot. Who dey drop pad make champion come play?’ I asked.

‘Which dirty champion? You wey don chop cane today so. E never even reach your turn.’

‘Why are you in a hurry to cry?’ Sly asked, and we all laughed.

For the rest of the night alcohol flowed, tongues loosened, games were won, and games were lost. Sleeping was done in turns from 2am. Anyone not playing stretched out and slept till it was their turn to play again. Or not. Depending on if anybody wanted to wake them up.

We all finally slept around 5am, and slept through the Environmental Sanitation exercise. At 9 we raided Wale’s kitchen for breakfast, and as soon as it was 10, we all trooped out his door and headed home.

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