SINGLE IS NOT A BAD WORD

Like J.Lo while in the midst of one complication, I had an undiagnosed disease of not allowing myself to mourn. Between one of those nasty fights with Mr B came Mr. C. I was sad and told myself I needed to meet more people, yet I wasn’t emotionally available to allow myself be known by the people I was meeting.

One glorious work morning, I ran into a busy supermarket known for its morning breakfast. Here I was, a busy Lagosian, trying to restock my office food when I noticed this hot chocolate man, who was practically scanning me with his eyes. He followed me to my car, offered to open my car door for me and said “I know you won’t call so I am not letting you off until you give me your number”.

Now, I rarely give out my number on first meeting, normally I will take numbers and only contact if my interest was sparked but here was Mr C putting a little bit effort unlike most Lagos men who want women to do all the work. I gave him my number and he called to make sure it rang while still holding my door.

I drove to the office with this happy feeling that accompanies begin recognized by a man especially, when one is hurting. I’m sure my ladies understand this feeling. He called the same day, we talked, then he did his homework; googled my full name, on finding we had common interests, he called me back and notified me of his snooping, and then we talked some more.

It wasn’t long before I noticed Mr C like me was in a hurry to get over the hurt he was going through by expecting me to fill the void in him that I was also looking to fill. My mother said, Ima, until you are whole you will only attract the reflection of your inner being. See, I knew only God could heal my broken heart but, but God takes too long sometimes, so Mr. C and I, two hurting people found each.

Mr. C was often upset I rarely called him; he soon came around the fact that I wasn’t a typical Lagos girl, who was going to chase after him, I am a woman, I want to be chased by a man and I will respond to that. I believe a man, a quality man even in this day and age of too many options, should chase the woman he really wants. If a man doesn’t, I take it that he is not that into me, I believe only little boys enjoy women chasing them, I won’t.

Going forward he called a lot and it encouraged me to call him too, but I noticed every time we hung out there was nothing there, like I’d sit there and wonder how to make excuses to run off, actually zero chemistry. I don’t know if it was mostly because, every time we hung out he was receiving calls which seemed uncomfortable and texting constantly; turned me off and sort of closed my mind to friend zone the guy.

I liked having him around though, but things just never took off, we talked about dating, he told me his recent sad experience which further made me shut down to the idea of dating, he seemed too negative for my liking. He was always cursing out his ex which made me quite uncomfortable around him, maybe it’s because I see everything as a learning curve so I don’t like folks who are stuck in their past.

Not even going to lie, between knowing Mr. C I kept going back and forth with Mr. B, you know how it is.

This made me so emotionally unavailable however, Mr C was also doing something else with his pain; womanizing. One day, on the final outburst with Mr. B, I called Mr. C. he took me out and somehow ended up in his house that was the first and only time we time we kissed and had sex, I didn’t want to be with him, he tried to make me stay over as it was weekend, I couldn’t, on getting into my car, I sat there and cried, I felt so bad. It was a mistake, a good mistake, but afterwards, I ran; stopped calling, answering or responding to his messages.

I believe sex is sacred and should only be within confines of marriage or at least someone I have feelings for as I only have sex with my emotions, but shit happens. I was a virgin for long and I didn’t want to count in one hand how many guys until marriage. I knew I had sex with Mr. C. because of what was going on with Mr. B. I just didn’t know how to manage the situation; I was disappointed at myself. Eventually Mr. C. gave up and stopped trying. I ran into him a lot in places and would hug him tight and wonder, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I like this guy?

Awhile, after I decided not to allow Mr. B keep running in and out of my life, I called Mr C in November apologized for my behavior and he offered meeting up for dinner after work. Oh boy was that therapeutic. We went to Yellow Chili for dinner. I noticed he was still fine, but still nothing there for me. Wasn’t long before he busted out upon the question how have you been, he goes “I’m expecting a child, and I’m practically married” I asked who and it turned out to be the same girl he told me was just there and he would only discard if I was serious, men sha, but I was happy for him, he looked happy. He told me he got tired of not knowing what to do with me and sort of accepted his fate because she was pregnant and since I knew Mr C, all he wanted was a baby.

We talked about why we never dated, things he felt I did wrong, how he felt when I cut him off after we had sex, and ended with him saying “ImaRose I would have given anything to keep you for myself but maybe we just never understood each other”, then he said “you have to learn how to ignore the presence of other women in a man’s life because if he wants you eventually he declutters” and he actually said “be willing to play the fool”.

For me, if we hangout more than once it means I like you and you knows where you stand with me, so why will I be ok with a man sleeping with others? Only women I can share a man with, are his sisters, mother and those girls that are JUST FRIENDS, otherwise I am selfish with my man.

But, yeah, I’m happy for him and for me, single is not a bad word is not a bad word after all.

ImaRose


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3 thoughts on “SINGLE IS NOT A BAD WORD

  1. Whoever this person is she is a great woman in the making, it is not very often that women admit to their own fault and mistakes. I like how she is focused on what she does wrong, I wish ImaRose was a real name. Dear miss gidi, who is this person abeg?

    Like

  2. LOL. undiagnosed disease, such an interesting play with words, I love ImaRose’s expressions and raw honesty. I am presently in a similar situation with a man I feel nothing for and torn between being single and fear of not finding someone. How can I leave is there a formula?

    Like

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