I know what you’re thinking…don’t worry there is no Mr. D…yet. I am at a great place right now; healed, cleansed from all the nonsense and becoming a better woman for that lucky man. Although I have met and I’m getting to know interesting guys, I have kissed one really cool dude whom I find very fun to be around, he’s intelligent and interesting; I learn a lot around him and that, I like that in a man. On the other hand, I don’t know what’s going on there, he could have someone but who knows, whatever sha it’s ok with me, to me a man can come and go as he pleases, I just won’t be waiting around or chasing after him, he has a right to do whatever he wants. In the meantime, I am knowing the ones that are more forthcoming and ‘available’.
I read comments on all previous posts and common thread is “how to walk away from bullshit” so this week am going to share my kobo’s worth on how I survived and got out of all three, oh plus the unlucky guy… that’s four right?
- Own your mistakes: often times, women love blaming the guy for their pain and never ever want to accept their own role in the pain they feel. In overcoming hurt, accepting responsibility for the roles you have played in the demise of any relationship or allowing yourself to be in that situation is key. I hate pity parties, no matter how horrible the unlucky man, A and B were to me I played a major role in what I chose to be a part of and allowed to go on in MY OWN life and even provoked some of this horrific reactions I got, these men are not evil, they are only immature, afraid and most importantly, a reflection of their upbringing or you can say our value systems differed a lot. So first step is, taking responsibility, if a man beat or treats you like shit and you are still there, it can’t be that you love him that much, ask yourself “what is it about me that makes me believe and accept this behavior”? Answering this is a huge step, I am not saying you can walk away immediately but just seeing the reality of such self-honesty will make that wrong guy irritate you, and that’s a great starting point.
- It’s okay to be broken: the best lesson I have learnt in last four years is that what will be will be. In the past, my first reaction was always to fix things, try to make it stand so it doesn’t fall apart, but it is in the falling apart that determines whether or not it is worth it, allows you to evaluate if you really want it, and determines the strength of such bond. After I found out my ex, whom I almost married was sleeping with a girl he told me was his cousin, my stupidity wanted to fix it, after all we had a wedding five months ahead; what would people say?, I suffered in silence, I couldn’t tell a soul until one day I passed out at work and was given a forced leave. I got home packed my bags and left, went somewhere to be alone and genuinely feel my hurt. I was frustrated, upset but still didn’t cry until one morning I was having breakfast alone at some cafe in a strange part of the world and a seemingly older guy approached me, chatted for a while and he was like “I like you, can I take your number?” stupidly I said that I was almost married and the man asked if he was good to me because I deserved the best; that was my ahhhh moment. Anyway he left and I went back to my hotel, got into the bathtub, lit candles, tried to deceive myself into reading psalms and the tearing flowed, I wept an ocean, because for the first time I realized I was getting less than what I deserved. Most times, we deny the pain so much for the fear of people laughing at us or calling us weak. I don’t care if you are a man, if you feel hurt, cry, if you are ashamed of crying then do so in private, cry while taking a shower and go to bed; you feel better, trust me. Mourning the end of that relationship, is the quickest way to get over it, trust me.
- Tell yourself the truth: we try too hard to make something work that God Himself is trying to destroy, if you are trying too hard then that’s a sign. Mr. B taught me that the very fact that I was trying to make it work meant it wasn’t meant to work. Mr. B was a chief manipulator, I mean he manipulates professionally, the thing about manipulation is it gives so much power to the manipulator to blame the ‘manipulatee’ that everything wrong is their fault. Stupidly I kept trying, but the more I tried the more delusional I became, I was betraying myself by denying the reality, I mean, I saw condoms in a man’s travel bag, he can’t be playing Lagos monopoly with condoms na and No it’s not for his friend; he was having sex and cheating, period. Listen if you ever get to the point where you hide what’s really going on from your real friends because you already know what they will say, then you already know the truth, you are just in denial. Like chemistry, it’s either there or it isn’t, it’s either working or it’s not, trying too hard should show you that it’s not supposed to be and you are forcing it.
- Compatibility is not a myth: look at your values, does it match theirs? Why I thought for the life of me I could have a good relationship with an occasional Christian remains a mystery to me. Mr B is still crawling on his knees but I’m like No thanks, I want a man who will tell me “No baby you cannot use your tithe to save up for a new handbag or in your holiday kitty, that’s God’s money” if your values don’t align and they can’t make you better person, that’s usually a sign. I know a guy whose girlfriend drains life out of him by smothering, caging and demanding too much attention…that is a sign (no man was designed to take the place of God in a woman’s life, your partner is not there to fill up the void, only God can). Tell yourself the truth, can you cope? I don’t care if it’s long distance; real love liberates, real love wants the best for you and real love respects your individuality.
- Sometimes, second chances don’t work: recently Mr B sent me a message that read “I will never forgive myself to know that a woman like you came my way and I didn’t treat you right, please all I want is another chance to try”. This is a nice bait dangling from the minister’s hill, No devil I am delivered!!!… But seriously, I believe the only time you should get back with someone is if in evaluating why it didn’t work previously you can ascertain that you were not dehumanized in the process. Miss Gidi would say “if you can forgive and forget the main reason you broke up then maybe a second chance is for you”. Weelll for me, I felt betrayed because I always told him it didn’t have to work as distance was already a barrier and if he was interested in seeing others, I was willing to walk away. So why lie, disrespect and then deceive me? I couldn’t believe it, I have forgiven him but I cannot forget and it will definitely affect a ‘second chance’. No matter how lonely I get or sad I feel on Valentine’s Day or my birthday or that I don’t get red roses from a man who I love, I still don’t want Mr B…not now…not ever.
- Throw away the baby with the bath water: I believe in completely cutting off all ties; you cannot keep valuable items from them or randomly call them sometimes. Mr. B bought me a nice car as a gift in my name and I returned it, in my opinion I can’t be telling a man there is no hope yet I have something of significance that remains me of him and somehow keeps him in my life. I could have sold it and kept the money but money means nothing to me, I’d choose my happiness and sanity instead of crying in a fancy car. At least now it’s justified, I pick his calls when I feel like and never feel obliged to respond to stupid messages. I may be wrong but seriously, throw the dang baby away with the bath water (sweep the water away sef), that’s if you are serious about moving forward.
In the end, nobody can make these decisions for you, but the day you do some honest soul-searching and decide to never look back then you’ll realized God has better plans you just have to wait like I am waiting and Miss Gidi waited.