Anyone notice how white sportsmen get married early and start life on time? Meanwhile our black men see marriage as a disadvantage, living promiscuous lifestyles and at 40 they are still single and eventually broke at retirement?
Wanye Rooney married at 22; David Beckham, 25, Andy Murray, 27, Novak Djokovic, 26 and I could go on. While over here, a typical Naija man thinks romance means having sex. It’s so bad that even the average naija lady just assumes a man wants sex the moment he starts being nice to her. Oh but, two days ago, this dark-hot-chocolate-interesting man, made me lunch in his house without expecting anything, I was so impressed and almost emotional; we talked, he robbed my feet and we fell asleep talking; SWEETEST thing EVER, will never forget it, I was so nervous, hopefully he didn’t notice…and hopefully he calls back.
So recently, my friend and I ‘in the abroad’ went to visit her sister who is engaged to an oyibo. (Caucasian for those who don’t know). We stayed with them for two nights and of course as women, we had our rounds of late night gossips especially on the topic of the difference between dating a broda and an oyibo.
In my younger days, I kind of dated an oyibo; dude treated me like a queen, I felt secure and never had to wonder whether I was the only one, the one everyone knew or him never publicly claiming me as his woman. I mean that alone was enough because the average Naija guy will not claim you then pow! one day he has proposed to another chic. I remember, one Naija celeb, that was playing two ladies that I happen to know; he got engaged to a totally different chic recently and in typical defence, he said to the other two ladies “we were not dating”.
Me sha, I cannot be anyone’s secret, I love privacy in a relationship but will NEVER be the girlfriend a man will post along another randomness on Instagram saying “happy birthday darling”; if he calls other girls darling on his page, then mine can’t be vague, it has to be obvious that you are my ‘Ima’, YES, I said it.
Back to the oyibo-experience, the culture made a world of difference and that just made everything less desirable for me, maybe because I was younger and sort of naïve. But forget grammar o, I am a Naija woman, I lived with my grandparents during my formative years so I am too traditional for my own good. I love cooking Naija-food, as in I cannot imagine not eating Afang, Egusi and Oha soup, and there is something about eating with ‘Ima’ and just making fun of each other the Naija way that an Oyibo cannot get and that vibe cannot be learned no matter how hard you try.
In defense for dating an oyibo man , my friend’s sister made some valid great points on the difference between dating an oyibo or a broda, which are:
EMOTIONAL SECURITY: I am not interested in caging a man, or trying to constraint his freedom and individuality. However, it is emotional security that comes with knowing that my man is my man and that keeps me carefree. I am the sort of girlfriend who won’t want to tag along everywhere ‘Ima’ goes, I like him to have his time with his own friends and I also love my bae-cation but I also want to be able to have my girls-cation and he will have nothing to worry about because for all the tea in China (and I love tea), all the money in the world, ImaRose will NEVER consider cheating, NEVER!.
I believe it’s important to maintain your individuality within a relationship. However, the lack of emotional security can make us become paranoid. As a woman, I am naturally insecure; maybe my ass is not big enough, maybe I am not thin enough, maybe my boobs are too small, or maybe he prefers light-skinned girls, whatever the case, I don’t need the insecurity caused by not knowing if I am bae or not. Since the drama of Mr A, I made a covenant with myself to NEVER consider a man who cannot give me emotional security, it’s not an option for me.
A Naija man acts like it’s a crime to make a woman emotionally secure, so they remain vague in the name of privacy, be wise women, privacy and secrecy are two very different things.
LIES: An oyibo will most likely tell you the truth; if you a side, you will know, if he likes you but is hurt and may not be ready for a relationship, you will know, if he just wants no strings attached, you will know. BUT my Naija-men will lie so much that it’s scary.
That is how one guy thought I was a fool, because he saw how difficult it was looking to get me in bed, he tried everything, carried me to his sisters, family house (not to sound tribalistic but certain tribes lack integrity, even the family go follow play you like community football). If a man won’t talk about his most recent relationship and why it failed then I won’t trust him or be free with him, it’s either he is still emotionally attached, still having sex or it’s not over.
That’s how I found out that this guy got married three months after I verbally told him it wasn’t happening because I felt uncomfortable with his refusal to talk about his most recent relationship, which he claimed was over. I mean, his wedding pictures till today are not on his Facebook and he still tried to flirt with me after I sent him pictures of his wedding as featured on BellaNaija.
Some ladies are fine with being side chics but abeg give those of us who aren’t into man-sharing the option of deciding whether we want drama or not. I feel like this issue is really a value system challenge, our society has no penalty for lies, our society makes look like it’s okay (or normal) for men to lie, hence most of our men lack integrity.
DRAMA: My friend’s sister said being with an oyibo is drama free, in her words; she doesn’t have to deal with his exs and so-called friends he had sex or emotional connections with while most Naija-men will drag you into all that mess because they equate drama with love (as in, I don’t get it!). My mum always says “no man is completely single when he meets you, so give him grace to clear his mess”
Which brings me to this,
Dear future bae,
Sadly I am only attracted to Naija men, so, if there are any “fillers” before you decide to go on an adventure with me, please remember to tell them that you have met someone and the party is over because this Madam will give up on you easily than involve herself in any drama. I don’t plan to clean up your mess and giving up on you may look like I don’t love or care about you…. The truth is, I probably will love you and care but more importantly I AVOID DRAMA like a plague so don’t involve me …don’t even try… PLEASE!.
Thank you and I love you in advance.
P.S – Future Bae, you should also see the Single in Gidi play on Sunday