As a single woman in the dating scene, the goal is to find that man that I connect with spiritually, emotionally, mentally and of course sexually, yes I’m the one that said it. The challenge remains navigating the period between when you meet someone and what happens after.
So how long should it be before a man declares intentions? I feel like one-three months is enough time sometimes shorter for people who see or communicate on a deeper level. I totally believe it should be a man that makes this decision to be exclusive and he shouldn’t be manipulated or guilt-tripped into deciding or choosing a particular woman. Pursuit is evident of desire, if he doesn’t, why try to fit a square peg into a round hole?
This is why I could fancy a man yet only ever following his rhythm. I believe in getting to know a man, my only job as a woman, is to be my authentic self and create the space for him to come in without forcing it. Having said that, ladies, never, ever, wait for a man to be ready to make a choice between you and all the others, oh of course; there are other women even though he is talking to you, he is rotating the attention. Do other things, get to know yourself better, meet other men as well, don’t sleep with them and only ever say I have a boyfriend, when the man (you are sure of) has asked you to be his. Just like you can’t force chemistry you cannot force lasting exclusivity with a man, don’t believe me ask Toke (fix it Jesus!). For me, if a man I like stayed too long at the undefined stage I would slowly forget about him, living in grey areas is certainly not me, I thrive on stability. Defining a relationship acts as a road-map to enable both parties settle in, grow and enjoy each other.
These days, men are complacent so women are assuming the lead and it’s feeding the whole confusion of who should do what. The reason I don’t believe in manipulating a man into commitment is, I acknowledge as a woman, I am the more of an illogical emotional being; we tend to define relationships based on how we feel towards him, without necessarily paying attention to his pace and his feelings. We naturally assume that because we feel something, he must feel it too or we try to make him feel it. I believe our passion for making something happen can disrespect the man’s feelings or a right to not reciprocate our feeling. It’s unfair.
For us, once we have sex, it’s a relationship, for a man it’s a completely different experience. I sha don’t want to have sex with a man then dude afterwards leaves with his common-sense activated, but takes my heart with him unintentionally. I want a man who wants to be with me as much as I want him and, I want him to take the lead, after which we can both explore and figure the goodness of sex out (preferably after marriage sef). A man has to know what he wants, I don’t to help him make up his mind or become his emotional/sexual clutch.
The growing hook-up culture is making men view courtship as stress, when really the falling in love aspect for some women happens in the courtship stage. I mean, I love flowers, you can rob my back during that time of the month, cook me dinner sometimes (even if the wheat is too hard to swallow, I’d still appreciate it), go for long walks and just gist, be kind, take me out and teach me how to dance while listening to loud music, watch your favourite TV show with me, is this too much to ask?
But no, Lagos men couldn’t be bothered, while most women resolve to manipulation; getting off the pill without his knowledge and get pregnant to trap him, move in and off to Ikoyi registry. If this is my only option, I will have some designer babies via a willing donor when I get to 35 and still single, have 2 kids and be the hottest single mother-ever, I am serious. Thank God, my mum already has three-grand-babies, although she would love for me to get married, she told me during the unlucky guy saga and even crazy Mr B “Adiahia, speed is not progress, take your time and choose happiness, your morning is whenever you wake-up”. Yes daughter of Zion is cool like that; oh that’s what I call my mum; I am Ibibio and we thrive on pet names – Ima, Ufan, Uko, Ete, Da-owo, Uyai-Abasi.
Ok, I digress, now Facebook is ‘making a new option just a friend-request-away’, tinder takes it a step further to “it’s not cheating” Instagram has been burying relationships since it came. I have a friend who recently quit Instagram for guilt of cheating on his girlfriend, he confessed to me and was like “ImaRose these girls are killing me, even if you don’t want they have a way of roping you in and before you know it you are in a mess”.
Men giving women nothing to submit to, women giving men nothing to respect; unashamedly chasing men and forcing them into marriage then wonder why they cheat. Can’t turn an irresponsible man into a husband, marriages changes nothing, rather it highlights who we really are that we try so hard to suppress. I hate when people say she got pregnant and I had to marry her, dude, you are not helpless, you better marry a woman who does it for you and forget that I had no choice situation, only love, real love sustains.
Remember Mr C? I once blocked his access to me as he wasn’t respecting my boundaries of no flirting or trying to tell me how unhappy he is with his wife, wetin concern me? I have ZERO sympathy for men that marry women they are not attracted to, zero. If you are having sex with a woman, chances of pregnancy are high, what was the plan? Undefined relationships allow room for such, these days men have this mentality of why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free from variety of cows. Then get uncomfortable when women like us say “I don’t have noncommittal sex”. Recently, one guy said I am a wasting my body, I told him my body is a temple of worship for God and Ima, not for LGAs in Lagos.
I tell my male friends that too many options confuses men, they never listen until the girl they really connect with gets tired and moves on, and by the time they realise she was the catch but she moved on and found a REAL man who knows exactly what he wants.
Recently, my friend Nasir was talking about this girl he liked and was spending time with including other girls but he preferred her. I asked him if she was his girlfriend and his response was ‘do people still use titles?’ Anyways, I told him I was certain she knew she was sharing his attention, he denied it; men don’t get it, a woman always knows, she may not say anything, but she knows, trust me. In the end, the girl found and started seeing a more forthcoming guy and he is still obsessing over her and how he lost her… men never see this coming, do they?
Most Naija men are quick to refer to “power, position and gender role as a man when it’s something the woman has to do, but when it’s their responsibility they resort to “this is 2015 a woman can ask a man out or let’s go with the flow”. Anything that is not growing dies, it’s a natural law and only dead fishes go with the flow.
My grandma told me a story about sex that I live by. She said there is scientific proof that once you have sex with someone you take on their aura, spirituality, emptiness or richness of their soul, joy, overflow, and emotional baggage. Sex is more than what meets the eyes, it was designed by God for marriage, but since instant gratification is killing us these days, I’d rather we know each other and are committed before navigating that route.
I plan to tell my children that story to scare them and keep their numbers LOW, lol.
In the end, if a man who cannot step up and make his intentions known and makes sure I have ‘the title’, then he is not worth sharing my soul with; my soul is NOT who-so-ever’s.