May 2015 officially marked my one year of singleton and celibacy. Hoo-ray!!!. Even though getting to know a few guys in Lagos has been fairly discouraging; a lot of shallows, sex-focused, emotionally unavailable, too many-options-confused men about town, but I am hopeful.
I have learnt interesting lessons and made two very solid friends from guys I went on dates with. Usually, I would only go on a second date with a guy if I liked him and he too seemed interested in me. Anyway, I met two really cool-guys who texted after the first date and were polite, I had to want to see them again even though there were no potentials in sight. First guy was like “You are a cool girl, I like your company, a lot and even though I feel the attraction is one-sided, would love for us to be friend just to keep your energy around””. The second guy was cool enough to tell me, he is not a good place emotionally as he just got out of a failed marriage and has ongoing drama which he doesn’t want to involve me, I texted him back saying I respected honesty in a man, thanked him for telling me and told him feel free to reach me whenever he wanted. Today we are really good friends.
Besides these two cool guys I have learnt met a lot of not so cool one and learnt the following interesting lessons;
- When you reach a particular maturity level, it becomes harder to meet men who match that in Lagos…maturity has nothing to do with age here
- Integrity is a rare commodity in Lagos men
- To a typical Lagos man, single means I am not married, but there is someone…in some cases, more than one.
- Quickly you see that the average Lagos man rotates his interest between several ladies, hence, they take hours to respond to your text, then show up after you fail to notice they disappeared, with the “you fashied me” line; Makes total sense, right? No? I don’t get it either. Le sigh.
- Obsessing is an exercise in futility. Never worry about why he hasn’t called in days, a man who wants to know you will NOT be vague.
- Looking for love from a position of fear is a longer and a more stressful journey; enjoy the process, but don’t be aloof and take nothing personal – Miss Gidi
- There is nothing sexier than a guy who knows what he wants. Alternatively, there is nothing less attractive than an indecisive, emotionally unavailable guy.
- Bad dates make for a good story. Take notes. But, always try to not make it too obvious, it took the guy a lot to even ask you to go out. Be nice you owe him that much…then you can be like me and write for Single in Gidi
- Don’t have sex with a man until he knows what he wants to do with you and has communicated that to you, a time waster will see you as bad market and stop calling and replying your text.
- Realize when he’s just not that into you and bow out gracefully. Don’t make excuses for him, don’t call him if doesn’t call, don’t ask for an explanation, he owes you nothing. Once he starts drifting away, rip that band-aid off as quickly as you can and bury the attraction, a man always shows interest if he is into you.
- It’s okay for a man not to want you, don’t worry about why, give people the freedom to choose whether or not to be in your company
- You should get to ask for what you want in a relationship, it doesn’t mean he can give it to you but ask anyway; men don’t read minds. If you prefer to be called as opposed to being e-maintained via Whatsapp and BBM then say so, a man who wants to be with you will try.
- Don’t fall for a potential; he better is a good enough man as he has shown himself to be to you.
- Manscaping will never go unappreciated. Lots of good-looking men around Lagos, pay a compliment often, but not with the intent of anything in return, men love it too.
- There’s a lot to choose from, but there are a lot of damaged goods: He’s a commitment-phobia; he’s not over his ex; he has no intention of dating you but will never tell you, he is used to being chased, he has minimal respect for women; he can’t tell you exactly what he does for a living.
- If the first few conversations are about you do for a living, RUN, he is looking for a meal-ticket, and will propose in a short while if you earn a nice Short-story, this guy that is almost married to my friend now, saw me at one of those fancy wine tasting events and was trying to chat me up. Unfortunately for him, I already knew who he was because I had seen a few pics of him. Somehow the conversation, went to “so what do you do because your handbag is expensive” and the conversation progressed into knowing my investment value e.t.c. Unknown to him I was carrying my mum’s high-valve brand-name purse, but he saw that as a ticket to continue flirting before giving me his card because I didn’t give him my number. Dude was dating my friend and was trying to get with me too!, Lagos men, SMH. Did I tell my friend? Well that’s story for another post.
- For men who are more upfront, be prepared to hear a lot of “let’s see how it goes” never fall for it, usually what he means join my cue and compete while I decide who I want. Yet, no man has ever successfully chosen a quality woman with this little-boy scheme.
- For the men who say nothing, watch their actions, it has ways of telling what they are not bold or honest enough to say.
- Stay away from guys with girlfriends and wives. No matter how unhappy he tells you he is, that is none of your business. Seriously, run the other way as if zombies were chasing you. One married guy tried me, I was so upset on finding out he was married, and I almost jammed his hands in my car door. I grew up listening to my mother pray against strange women, you want someone to pray like that for me? Abeg acid is real.
- One of my favourite Miss Gidi nuggets “If he really likes you, he’ll try to be in your thoughts as often as possible, even the president can spare 2 minutes call people he really wants to talk to” Don’t fool yourself into thinking he is too busy, if you haven’t heard from him in a few days and over weeks, he has told you what you need to know through his actions.
- If you suggested the date or have dated regularly for a few weeks, offer to split the bill, some guys won’t mind but do it nicely, not like you are trying to prove a point
- Don’t let every douche canoe who’s used you or strung you along ruin it for the rest of them. Never punish a man for the sins of another. When I was hurt, I actually used to second guess and read every message before I sent. One guy tried to dump his baggage on me I told him politely “I have been hurt too you don’t need to punish me for what she did to you”
- Another Miss Gidi nugget: “Don’t let the disappointment from dating make you jaded and bitter. Dating is draining and it will continue to be until you find real love but know that somewhere out there, there’s an amazing guy experiencing the same frustrations as you and can’t wait to meet you”.
- One day, love would find you both and you’d laugh at all the frogs you had to kiss to get there but most of all, you’d have peace and learn to appreciate “normal” when you finally meet him. – yet another Miss Gidi nugget, I think I have been hanging around her too much)
So as I continue to celebrate one year of being single and celibate, I can say I am still committed to loving as though I have never been hurt before until the day my love finds me.