Funny how all my friends come to me for relationship and marriage advice, though I am the single one…sounds like something Miss Gidi would say.
Anyway, my friend, Mr D, 34 years old, had been dating this girl for four years, according to what he tells me he really wants to get married, but hasn’t felt that thing a man should feel for a woman he wants to his wife. This got me thinking about settling and how often people remain in unhappy situations simply because it’s easier than facing reality and starting over again. I believe in trying, when I am with a guy I will do anything possible to make it work, but at what point do you decide “I deserve happiness”? When is it OK to walk away?
I remember not feeling the excitement most women feel when a man proposes to them, I didn’t know how to react, it was so weird for me and I felt so bad for not feeling it. For months I didn’t tell anyone I was engaged, the unlucky guy was so upset. Once we started marriage counselling at his church, TPH, I always had excuses for not showing up for our sessions. One time someone from the church called me and said “are you sure you really want to marry this man, most women are excited about marriage counselling, and you seem too withdrawn”.
My biggest fear in life is to end up in an unhappy marriage. Marriage requires so much I don’t know why people are in a hurry to run into it rather than spend time to work on personal growth and prepare for such commitment. Whenever I think of loving an imperfect being unconditionally, respecting him no matter how I feel, putting him above myself even when he is annoying, I begin to wonder why so many people remain in unhappy relationships, possibly transitioning to FOREVER.
In my confusion days, I listened to this message by Bishop Jakes and he said “some relationships were not designed to last forever, they were just supposed to take you to the point it got to, and how you know is in the struggle, when it’s right your heart will be at peace even in hard times. In it, Bishop said “stop drowning in shallow waters, it wasn’t supposed to be deeper than it is”. It made so much sense, yet, the guilt attached to leaving a long-term relationship makes many people stay at the expense of their own happiness. Starting over is scary but I did, and wouldn’t trade it for silver or gold; I can say that I know myself better as a woman and I know what I want in a man.
So what happens when you by chance meet someone who rocks your world, I mean chemistry is rock solid and they introduce you to things you didn’t even know you could find or like in a man or woman? In a perfect Hollywood movie, you run after such chances right? Wrong! Interestingly, such chances never come when one is necessarily looking for it, it’s usually by accident.
So was the fate of Mr. D, who wasn’t single by the way but he had met this woman at airport lounge. On getting to his destination, he called me raving about this incredible woman and how although he only just met her, he was certain she is what he has been looking for but didn’t really know it until that moment. He said “sometimes a man doesn’t really know what he wants in a woman until she shows up and he realizes she is what he needed all along but couldn’t quite articulate”. Mr D, is a deep intellect, like most men he is attracted to the physical, but for him a woman has to be more than what meets the eye. His ex could hardly hold a meaningful conversation.
Before meeting this new babe, every time I asked him why he hadn’t proposed to his long-term girlfriend, his answer remained the same “something is missing, not sure what it is”.
Mr D and his ex, were the type of couple that you see and wonder how they came to be. My friend kept in touch with his new interest, seeing he really liked her, I encouraged him to pursue her. However, on several occasion kept running back to the comfort zone of a relationship he was hardly present in; babe of 4 years.
This happens a lot, sometimes it because we say we want something yet are not ready for it, sometimes we involve ourselves in complications and unable to come out of to embrace what we want when it shows up, sometimes it’s the right person but the timing is wrong. It could be many things, but at what point do you stop making excusing and go for it? Yes, there are too many options out there, but in reality; you will only meet a handful of people in your lifetime that are TRULY compatible and can connect to your soul in ways unimaginable.
Look at it this way, if you got a package from God that read “your man or woman will arrive in two weeks” will you be ready for them? It’s pointless to let “not good enough” occupy the space of what I am waiting for. Too many singles like the idea of having piece meal attentions here and there like it can satisfy them.
Everyone wants someone ‘quality’, but sometimes they themselves are not ready to accommodate it. I like to believe that quality deserves quality too, so daily, I strive to become the woman that the type of man I deserve will be proud to have.
So back to my friend, he eventually started making real efforts to pursue the woman of his dreams. At first he was scared that my advice could sabotage what he knew for sure for someone he just met. I encouraged him to be upfront but tell her the true situation of things, watch her response and how she handles it; if she agreed to share him with his girlfriend of four years then she wasn’t quality.
Mr D happens to be a good man who only wants one wife, so I believe he deserves quality. Well he took my advice and told the babe; she told him even though she liked him a lot, she couldn’t share him and was willing to give him time to handle that situation and come back if he wanted.
In the end, Mr D broke up with his long-term girlfriend of four years and proposed to the woman of his dreams after knowing her for just 6 months.
Anything worth having will cost you something, be scared of the unknown but do it anyways.