VACANCY: DATING ATTORNEY NEEDED

 

Thank you everyone for your honest advice, I really needed to see Mr F through the eyes of others without the bias of his broad shoulders and sweet words.

Long story short, he has been FRIEND ZONED but like most guys in denial, he keeps trying his luck and hoping I would give in, maybe out of loneliness or our of boredom… who knows really?

Every time we talk these days, I never fail to stress the fact that we are friends. Recently, he wanted me to cook one of his favourites, Afang, and I asked him to come get it from my office because I had some available. Imagine dude had the audacity to say he had to be there when I cook because he wanted to be sure I did not put any  “kopno-mi” inside (that means love portion for those who do not know) to which I responded, “My cooking is enough love-portion don’t worry, besides, I don’t want my friend falling in love with me” and as I expected, he replied “Ima, really? So I no fit come sit down your house, watch crime TV and watch you cook, I fit turn wheat sef make we eat”?

*raised eyebrow*

Naaa mate, the only man that can freely come into this single girl’s house is bae, Ima is not looking for male friends-with-benefit type-situation, I no dey house, mbok!

*sidenote*: what is it with Delta men, afang and draw-soup…Miss Gidi?

I no go lie, I’ve been a-tad-bored, sha. It’s either I am staying back late or running home to go cook and watch TV. I have watched Hustle, Empire and old house of cards, back to back. I am still trying to gather courage to watch GOT, it’s so bloody, and it scares me, but really want to watch it  as I have now become the only Jew in Jerusalem who hasn’t seen GOT.

Talking of TV shows, I hate to admit it but  “Baggage” has become my new guilty pleasure.  For anyone not familiar with it, Baggage is a dating show where contestants bring luggage bags symbolic of their ‘baggage’ that will be revealed. Each round has a larger bag (secret) they have to reveal, and the contestants are eliminated based on their baggage. Sadly, it stopped airing sometime in 2012 but hey, anything hosted by Jerry Springer, is drama and drama makes for good TV.

Never has anything of use come out of watching this show except that it builds this fantasy and expectation of what the perfect man and woman should be.

That all changed the other day though

Over the weekend, the episode I saw was ground-breaking; so this correct-looking-total-package-babe; very attractive, intelligent babe, who was one of the contestants opened one of her bags to reveal that she made her dates sign…*drumroll*…a pre-sex contract.

My first reaction was, isn’t this babe a bit too full of gorgeous self? But then, she brought out a sample. It was a couple of inches thick! Then I thought, wait oh, this is brilliant idea. Not because I think it will stop guys from running away after we let them get lucky. But, I rather, I think it will make both parties think about what is really going on; no unfounded expectations, no bae in my mind only, no trying to get pregnant to force a broda down to Ikoyi registry. Just a simple, we-all-know-where-we-stand AGREEMENT!

Okay, the one-night-stand or super-good looking man you throw on your DP to chase away the ex who won’t let you be in peace is an exception to this contract, so!

But how about the guy who could actually be ‘the one’.

I think this has potential to make him realize that I need to be respected in the dating process, and yes, I am not a fly who is just going to be hanging out for no reason, is there potential for a relationship here?. And that, yes, I actually love sex and want sex too, but only the exclusive kind, as long as there is a mutual agreement on this.

So, here is your chance to spell out all of these terms, just like a legal document, you both know what you expect from each other, and how it should be carried out. If one of you breaks the contract, the relationship is terminated, with no drama. But we all know what happens here right? You know like it was in 50 shades of grey, if you haven’t watched it, you have issues, lol!

Why can’t life and relationships be this simple?

And while we’re on this subject, I would like to propose the idea of relationship reviews, like, every three months, we go for a drink and review what is working or not working for us, as two grown adults. So you don’t get carried away by how fine they are looking that day, make pointer notes on your phone on things you want to discuss for reviewing session. What you like about the relationship, what you don’t like, what needs to be worked on in the upcoming year, and most importantly where the relationship is headed.

If there are any questions or blurred lines, we get to go back to the original contract, and if we are still unsure, we bring in the relationship attorneys.

No more fighting about the status of the relationship, no more hidden agendas and no more being taken advantage of (kissing and posting someone else’s man as my MCM on IG and the humiliation of deleting after oga madam calls him out when you tag him).

Girls, Lagos is hard for single girls who have no time for games, let’s figure out effective ways of weeding out all of the one-night-stands, game-players, and professional single-guys.

That being said, I’ll be spending the rest of my evening, looking for aso-ebi styles, I have three weddings lined up this year…

Love,

Imarose

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7 thoughts on “VACANCY: DATING ATTORNEY NEEDED

  1. This girl is a skillful writer, I love her ability to use fun, jokes and such playful phrases to drive vital points home! I love you ImaRose, marry me, but I am already married! lol!

    Like

  2. ” If there are any questions or blurred lines, we get to go back to the original contract, and if we are still unsure, we bring in the relationship attorneys.

    No more fighting about the status of the relationship, no more hidden agendas and no more being taken advantage of (kissing and posting someone else’s man as my MCM on IG and the humiliation of deleting after oga madam calls him out when you tag him). ”

    This is all shades of perfect! Contacting my lawyer to draft me one as we speak 🙂

    Signed,

    President
    ImaRose Fanclub
    London Chapter

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The pre-sex contract sounds like a fabulous idea – one that should make both parties think about the commitment before it happens.. but then doesn’t the good book say it’s off limits before the broom is jumped? 🙂

      Like

  3. I LOVE THIS GIRL. I DEY DEAL WITH ONE DRAMA LIKE THAT, AS SOON AS I DON FINISH, GOD BLESS LET IMAROSE STILL BE AVAILABLE……….

    signed.
    biggest fan

    Like

  4. This is an insanely magnificent piece. Sometimes going from bad relationship to bad relationship unconsciously makes you blossom to a guru in the relationship field. You go from not knowing exactly what you want, to being alive to the concise things you want from a relationship. Its easy to spot time wasters. Body language don’t lie and words are everything. Defined relationships keeps both parties on check and the moment anyone breaches it, you know its not just time to go. No. Its time to freaking flee!

    Like

  5. Madam, wetin happen, no post this week, abi you no know sef, we dey watch this space every Tuesdays waiting for the new post? *runs away to organise a protest against Ima*

    Like

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