So all you people abusing me in your comments, abeg put me for ground oh, blame Ms Gidi oh, she is busy planning wedding. I send her a post and she won’t remember to post until two weeks later, then she will edit and re-edit and make sure my gist is straight to the point, what can I say? that’s why she is Madam Editor.
Okay, seriously, I need to start leaving my charm at home. Last week (this last week could be 2 weeks ago depending on when Ms Gidi posts this), I had a meeting that turned into a 6 hour date, it wasn’t until my phone rang that I realised I had been talking to this guy for over 6 hours. Prior to the meeting, he called me to say he couldn’t find my work number on whatsapp, and I was like no darling, I don’t do multi-whatsapp, barely have enough time to manage one.
Remember the guy who cooked me brunch in his new house after church one Sunday, yeah that guy. I really liked him at first until I noticed all his numbers were on whatsapp and he maintained all his whatsapps, that and not answering some calls in my presences that had all my warning alarms going off.
Living a double life is so off-putting for me, like it’s not that serious, you want to deceive as many babes as possible, that’s your business, but give those of us who will easily let you go when you are acting confused or suddenly disappear a chance to say “no thanks, I am not going on that emotional roller-coaster with you”.
So back to the longest meeting/date I have ever had. I eventually gave this guy my personal number and he started toasting subtly, but I didn’t know until the meeting/date. On day of meeting, he called and was like, from all our correspondence, I notice you hate driving (driving is a calling that it’s not mine, I HATE IT) can I send someone to pick you up as there is so much traffic. But what is with traffic these days, “nsi-do” “kilode” “ogini”? I was tempted to say yes, but I had beach yoga later, so I turned down such a thoughtful gesture.
First time I met this guy, we talked about something to do with marriage and I was like, “if” I get married and the guy was like “no when” you get, if sounds like you don’t believe in or want to get married.” This time, he was like you are too fancy a woman not to be wifed up, I am sure your husband is looking for you, maybe it’s me, maybe is someone new or someone you already know now.
Quickly, the conversation evolved to data collection; wanting to know what he might be dealing with should I give into his advances. We were sorting of throwing questions at each other and then I asked “why will a man go from constantly reaching out and seeming all interested to little or no contact or the excuse of being busiest person on earth”.
He took a deep breath and then he said, ImaRose, I am going to flip that question around instead “if you were a man, why would you do something like that”? Suddenly I got it; it’s like we ask others for validation to counter something we already know to be reality. I didn’t want to answer so he asked again; “if you were a guy getting to know a girl and you only called and texts like once a week. Why would you do that?”
“I’d probably do that because I wasn’t that into her but wasn’t willing to let her be probably because of incentives like the opportunity to have sex once in a while, so I will create the distance, but reduce the frequency of contacts so she knows it’s not that kind of party”
Then he went, us guys are so simple but women refuse to believe us when our actions say what we are not bold enough to say……….there goes the light bulb moment and flash of clarity.
The problem is most times us women want to keep hope alive, even when the man has given us nothing to hold unto. Then before you know it you are the accidental booty-call, then one day he will wake up and tell you “we were not dating”. For me sex with men I’m getting to know can make me emotionally unavailable to other potentials and I don’t want that.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that flipping the situation can
answer a lot of relationship questions.
Let’s say I was a guy and I wasn’t making time for a woman I claim to like; I was sort of distant and will call her every once in a while and text her occasionally, why
would you do that?
It’s not rocket science. Let’s assume for a second he was away from his phone for whatever reason (very rare in this day and age), you got caught up and were busy doing something else; rotating your interest among several women or you weren’t that into her and didn’t feel any urgency to text back because you didn’t really care if she stuck around or not. Sometimes it could be a deliberate act for you to read the signs and not stick around.
Throughout my dating career, I have seen men act like this so often, me I just watch them and after a while rip the band-aid off and let it die a natural death.
Girls, next time you’re trying to understand why a guy is acting a certain way, flip things around and think of the reasons you might do said behaviour. I don’t even have the time to be wondering why a man is acting how he is, to me, his actions and inaction will tell me anything I need to know about his reality and I don’t argue with people’s reality, I take it for what it is. I will only feel bad if I broke my own rule of no sex until we know what we are doing. I have done it, and for a while it bothered me, but hey, we live and we learn daily. In case someone else “wants to screw up my perfect little life, I am not going there again, lol”.
I couldn’t believe I could do something like that sha, at least now I know that even I can break my own rule. Dating seems really confusing, but the answers are usually right in
front of us, we just choose to look the other way because sometimes the truth
We ended the conversation with him saying “I am telling you this so that when we date, I was like no, “if” we date”, you can call me out on my bullshit, I will be willing to talk to you about how you feel, because sometimes, I am not deliberately trying to be an asshole, even when I am busy, and I am very busy I promise to talk about it”
And I was like on one condition, we are not hanging out in each other’s houses or enclosed places, I was celibate for over a year until, recently! I don’t want to have to count in both hands, it used to be one hand, and it’s now both hands, before I meet my “Ima”
Na wa o