PUMP YOUR BRAKES

Yes I am still alive; I have just been caught up in middle of so much going on. Let’s gist jare!

Often times, we approach dating with so much expectations and idealisms that we never think about what happens when reality sets in. Maybe it is due to our constant search for that soul mate we assume that not paying attention to what is or isn’t happening in the process will still get us to destination, marriage. For the majority on this journey to marriage, anyhow is a how, as long as we achieve that goal and our friends post our engagement shots on their Instagram.

What is best for us, more often than not is a different route entirely. It is pumping the brakes and slowing down, it is saying to that man or woman you want so badly, I really want to be with you but not under these circumstances. It is doing what feels right and organic at a crossroad.

From my understanding, which of course is not a fact, just my opinion, the hardest part for a man to navigate, is from the time he is addicted to you to how to translate the relationship to being exclusive. But many times, this is when us women make the greatest mistake and assume just because he is coming on so strong then it must mean he has given it proper thoughts on how to move things forward.

So we close our eyes in the fool’s paradise and forget about our own needs and want. We assume that saying what you want and what you can and cannot tolerate means you are desperate. The way I look at it, is that you can either ask for what you want or waste your own time; asking for what you want doesn’t mean you are going to get it, it just means you have laid your cards on the table.

I know you are wondering what I am on about, let me explain.

So I have this friend, let’s call her RedVelvet. RedVelvet, met this great guy recently, the sparks flew everywhere, the chemistry was insanely strong, plus he is great guy, loving, caring, attentive, calls and texts a little too much. He would call as soon as he woke up in the morning and tell her about everything during the day, falls asleep talking to her and spends every free time he can find with RedVelvet. It was very obvious the guy had very strong feelings for her, and despite my advice to define the relationship quickly; she wanted to wait a bit and see how all of it would unfold. Perhaps because she had been disappointed so much, she always expected him to disappoint her.

After a short break of clearing their heads, RedVelvet and her new boo decided to make it official. Until one day she noticed his ex called him a little bit too much. Initially she said she had nothing to worry about because they were actually very open with each other and he always answered his calls in front of her, she had access to his phone (he gave it to her).

On this day, at about 2am, he didn’t answer the call from the ex and it bothered RedVelvet for days. Her first reaction was to talk to him about it, which she did but the conversation didn’t go very well because it was full of anger and blame throwing. She knew she overreacted so she apologised for her behaviour and he apologised for bringing her into his life when he had not sorted his situation with the ex.

See, I have been in this position before with an ex, but because I was too afraid that he will get upset or perceive me as needy. I ignored and sacrificed my feelings in the quest to find the love that never was there. Eventually my ex told me, I practically forced him into the relationship as I didn’t allow him figure it out for himself. That taught me a great lesson, most men need to know for themselves away from you that you are the one, because if he doesn’t, something in him will always question whether or not you were his choice or you imposed yourself on him.

In the end RedVelvet stepped aside for this new love, no matter how great he was to sort out his issues and be 100% certain before bringing her back in. Let’s be honest not a lot of women are brave enough to do that, well not a lot of Lagos women I mean.

So ladies be brave in your decision-making. If you are in a healthy place and looking for love, by all means keep looking, but be open to him if he comes around and you still haven’t met anyone that gets you like him. But never be afraid to pump the brakes if it doesn’t look right, eventually that is the only real way to get what you want without manipulation.

Until next time

Love,

ImaRose

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8 thoughts on “PUMP YOUR BRAKES

  1. Praise the lord, Ima is out of SIG jail. I agree with you though but let’s be honest giving a guy this sort of space can most times means he forgets about you. But I like the outrage courage of allowing fate decide. My ex too broke off our engagement because I was in a similar situation and months to the wedding said he wasn’t sure. In my case, I knew about the ex and him in fact the girl still saw him as her boyfriend, to him she was just a friend, eventually he broke up with me and although he didn’t go back to his ex dated another woman whom he told me was firm with him, men sha, they say they want a nice woman but will take advantage if she is too nice.

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  2. ImaRose correct babe, welcome back! You are so right on this, babes, almost all Naija babes especially those ones above 25 no dey allow guys space to know what’s up, na so dey they cuff is go alter and then we wake up married not to our heart desire then they wonder why we cheat. I am not excusing cheating oh, but like you said my darling Ima, a man has to know for himself not because you expect or force us to, most guys will succum to the pressure, but alphas like us want to decide for ourselves.

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  3. There is wisdom in this post. I am a guy and I will say this, the guy loves Red-Velvet, he might just need time mainly bcos he didn’t plan to fall in love. Men are simple creatures, women like to confuse themselves and then blame us if we meet and marry a woman that won’t take our bullshit and all of us have bullshit, if a man didn’t decide by HIMSELF that he wants a woman and she tie his hands, that “what if” is what will keep his eyes outside. Women need to be more relaxed and allow the man chance to think, sometimes some of us are too slow in deciding this thing. If you set it free and it comes back then you know no shaking, no phat ass can take him away from you, allow us ladies.

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  4. Na you must to marry me, by force by fireeeeeee! Na so Toke do her own, use marriage threaten the guy, two weeks after they broke up and she sang she was single on Twitter, two weeks later she was married. Today nko? Marriage and love no be by threaten. It takes a lot of guts to love something and set it free but the greatest of all about this is, if he comes back you know it’s because he has experienced life without you and has decided by himself that he prefers life with you in it.

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  5. My sister all na God, if God says he is yours he will come back games or no games. Sometimes setting what you love free is a great thing. I did with my husband and after six months he ran back to beg him and two months later proposed. It takes courage to do but your friend is doing the right thing. If she is unhappy with the ex situation and it borhers her it’s better she allows him as opposed to forcing him to break that contact.

    I miss you madam ImaRose, hope you are good?

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  6. So of the best relationships I know have started off like this, Ima tell your friend to give the guy some time. I am a man and I love my woman but not sure I can give her access to man phone, we guys hardly do these things unless we are so carried away by the woman, he clearly give her enough to show he is so into her, it’s better she knows about the ex now becos that will force him to handle his business.

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