Yes I am still alive; I have just been caught up in middle of so much going on. Let’s gist jare!
Often times, we approach dating with so much expectations and idealisms that we never think about what happens when reality sets in. Maybe it is due to our constant search for that soul mate we assume that not paying attention to what is or isn’t happening in the process will still get us to destination, marriage. For the majority on this journey to marriage, anyhow is a how, as long as we achieve that goal and our friends post our engagement shots on their Instagram.
What is best for us, more often than not is a different route entirely. It is pumping the brakes and slowing down, it is saying to that man or woman you want so badly, I really want to be with you but not under these circumstances. It is doing what feels right and organic at a crossroad.
From my understanding, which of course is not a fact, just my opinion, the hardest part for a man to navigate, is from the time he is addicted to you to how to translate the relationship to being exclusive. But many times, this is when us women make the greatest mistake and assume just because he is coming on so strong then it must mean he has given it proper thoughts on how to move things forward.
So we close our eyes in the fool’s paradise and forget about our own needs and want. We assume that saying what you want and what you can and cannot tolerate means you are desperate. The way I look at it, is that you can either ask for what you want or waste your own time; asking for what you want doesn’t mean you are going to get it, it just means you have laid your cards on the table.
I know you are wondering what I am on about, let me explain.
So I have this friend, let’s call her RedVelvet. RedVelvet, met this great guy recently, the sparks flew everywhere, the chemistry was insanely strong, plus he is great guy, loving, caring, attentive, calls and texts a little too much. He would call as soon as he woke up in the morning and tell her about everything during the day, falls asleep talking to her and spends every free time he can find with RedVelvet. It was very obvious the guy had very strong feelings for her, and despite my advice to define the relationship quickly; she wanted to wait a bit and see how all of it would unfold. Perhaps because she had been disappointed so much, she always expected him to disappoint her.
After a short break of clearing their heads, RedVelvet and her new boo decided to make it official. Until one day she noticed his ex called him a little bit too much. Initially she said she had nothing to worry about because they were actually very open with each other and he always answered his calls in front of her, she had access to his phone (he gave it to her).
On this day, at about 2am, he didn’t answer the call from the ex and it bothered RedVelvet for days. Her first reaction was to talk to him about it, which she did but the conversation didn’t go very well because it was full of anger and blame throwing. She knew she overreacted so she apologised for her behaviour and he apologised for bringing her into his life when he had not sorted his situation with the ex.
See, I have been in this position before with an ex, but because I was too afraid that he will get upset or perceive me as needy. I ignored and sacrificed my feelings in the quest to find the love that never was there. Eventually my ex told me, I practically forced him into the relationship as I didn’t allow him figure it out for himself. That taught me a great lesson, most men need to know for themselves away from you that you are the one, because if he doesn’t, something in him will always question whether or not you were his choice or you imposed yourself on him.
In the end RedVelvet stepped aside for this new love, no matter how great he was to sort out his issues and be 100% certain before bringing her back in. Let’s be honest not a lot of women are brave enough to do that, well not a lot of Lagos women I mean.
So ladies be brave in your decision-making. If you are in a healthy place and looking for love, by all means keep looking, but be open to him if he comes around and you still haven’t met anyone that gets you like him. But never be afraid to pump the brakes if it doesn’t look right, eventually that is the only real way to get what you want without manipulation.
Until next time
Categories: the urban dater