Hi my name is Ruby, that’s not my real name but what does it matter to you
I am a lawyer by day and a writer by night, again that’s not the point of this post
Growing up was a struggle for me.
I wanted to be hip. Cool. Yuppy.
The ‘baddest beech’, only in those days, I think it was called ‘Chassis’
I forget now (old age sucks).
I grew older and being cool was still an elusive thing…
Until I finally figured it out in this new internet-crazy world we live in
I researched and I found and I learned and I practiced and I adapted and now…
I’m the shit!
No, seriously. I’m so cool people ask me how to be cool
And I act coy and tell them it came naturally
Purposefully forgetting how darn difficult it was for me to get here
Shit, that bit of my memory has been completely wiped out now
I’m the new Denrele. I’m the better Olamide
Sheeeiiiiiii, I’m your daddy!
And now I’ve decided to help the helpless – here’s my guide on
How To Be A Lagos Cool Kid!
Grab your smartphones, tablets or notepads (for those of you still old school like me…although old school is the new black. Vintage, daaaaahliiiink), get to jotting then get to practicing
Soon you’ll be as cool as me. Maybe even cooler
Okay, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, dear.
You’ll maybe be as cool as me.
Enjoy, mes amis.
(Yes, throw in a French word or 2. God, I’m already dropping gems like the icicle that I am *dusts shoulder*)
A is for Asoebi Bella
So, you’ve been invited to a wedding. Okay, some of us don’t get invited and we hear stories like ‘ah, you cannot come without IV oh. Romoke is not joking with her wedding. She wants it to strictly be by IV. The bouncers won’t be smiling oh, even if you shake bobbee’.
IVs can be gotten anyhow. You don’t need to know the groom or bride. You can buy from his/her friend and get her to get another IV. You can get your friend to tell the groom/bride that she cannot come alone and that way, she gets 3 extra. Sheeeeiiit, you can accidentally-on-purpose hunt this couple down and remind them how you guys were best friends in nursery school.
Followed by an epistle on this friendship. Urgh, no shade throwing! Bad girl, Rubs!
Anyway, you secure that IV and that’s the first step. Next stop –
Oh my Gahd, I cannot overemphasize how important this material is: this French lace; this damask; this taffeta; this material from Switzerland/Dubai/artfully-sought-out-Balogun. This Must Be Bought.
Be it, N15,000 or N75,000. If you need to sell a phone to buy the asoebi, then please my sister, do so. You do not want to go for that wedding and be sticking out like a sore thumb. How else will the audience invitees recognize the family and/or friends of the couple? Don’t be silly!
Now the asoebi has been acquired. On to the next. Your sewing style.
This is almost as important as buying your asoebi, my dears. You must dress to impress. You must scour the interwebs for designs. Google should become your best friend…heck, your soulmate!
Wedding Design? Check!
And my favourite, ASOS market place – for when you want to look different albeit elegant. Oh yes!
So you’ve decided on what you want to sew; time to hunt for the perfect tailor or designer. Now, I normally sew iro and bubas because I think…no, I know I’ve acquired enough cool status to do whatever the hell I want. You, my precious, are just about to ‘follow the laidah to ayvuuuun’. So don’t go to any tailor to sew iro and buba for 1k oh. Lie, lie, don’t try it. This is the time for you to oppress those people who got their IV the honest way. To oppress those friends that have been cool from birth. To oppress the damn bride. Shit, how dare she be getting married while you’re still hunting for that canary yellow diamond? Rubbish!
Time to check out our faithful bellanaija for the designers that are always tagged at the end of wedding posts and have your cheque book ready cuz, girllllll. They ain’t cheap! And if they sew for less than N10,000 – even for iro and blouse, then please, discard those hungry tailors. We are not here for them. We are here for Designer Tailors ala Toju Foyeh. *Sniff*
Okay, you have added a further N15,000 bill to the N55,000 you spent on purchasing that Swiss asoebi and Segoe gele. Time to get that MUA aka Make-Up Artist on lockdown, cuz trust me, everyone is hustling to book their own slot for this wedding of the week decade. Please, please and please, if you cannot get your face beat by Bmpro, Jide of St.Ola or Shomaya then…I dunno man. I just…*sob*, I just don’t know.
Anyhoo, you’ve gotten your dress down pat, your face beat, your hair did…. *brake*
Did I forget to tell you about your hurrrrr? Urgh, I’m terribly behaved. Sisteh, plix. It goes without saying that your hair must be On Fleek! Luckily, you don’t have to suffer like I did in the early days with £500 Brazilian and relaxed hair because we didn’t even have lace front in those days.
You lucky lucky beeches!
Now, you can buy hair for less than half the price and get an expensive wig made. And rock and rock and rock till the real owner of the hair in far-away Peru is smiling – getting her hair shorn was not done in vain. In fact, you don’t even need to get crazy-expensive hair. Natural hair is the new orange is the new black! Rock your natural locks, gurl. Get your twist-outs then hashtag away till your comment section looks crazy – all from your own hashtags. You may think I’m giving you sketchy advice on getting the best hairstyle, whatever it is seeing as you’ll be rocking your gele buuuuuut…remember, ladies. To be uber cool and not just cool, you must remove that gele once it’s about 9/10pm and wear your new bff’s fila. Yup. If you don’t have any guy friends then make one at the wedding by hook or crook cuz that fila must be rocked. I think I have about 11 or 12 in my wardrobe now hehehe. In order for you to rock his cap, you must have wonderful hair.
Can’t be placing a nice cap on your fowl nyash hair now, can you?
Okay, girls. We’re halfway there. Grab a well-deserved glass of some nice sweet Four Cousins and take a breather. You’re close to the finish line *sigh*
Ready for the final lap? Okay, let’s do this.
It’s the day of the wedding. You have your nice outfit and you’ve tried it on and you look absolutely smashing. Your hair is in perfect waves, undulating like a belly dancer down your back. Your face is glowing like you just had the best sex of your life. Your nose is perfectly contoured like you have more than a sprinkling of Caucasian in you. Your cheekbones can be used to grate cheese. Your eyes are more doe-like than Bambi. Your waist trainer has clinched in your waist like those black American video vixens’. In short, the way you look, there’s a possibility that the groom, his father and his father-in-law might dump their respective spouses for you. I repeat, SMASHING!
Time for you to enlist that not-as-fine friend to follow you to the wedding. She’s alright-looking. A bit meh. But you cannot rock to the wedding alone and you sure as hell cannot rock there with one mammy-water light-skinned beauty. Get you a Monique and coo over her voluptuous look. Make sure you slot in, ‘Omg, you look amazing. I’m even jealous now that all the guys will be scoping you oh. Hey God, do you think I look okay at least?’ Don’t come across as fawning because she has a mirror and is not stupid. The right amount of Daz should have been measured in advance for proper washing i.e. a week or 2 before, start dropping comments like ‘Ah ah. Babe, is work stressing you like this? You’re losing weight oh’, even if she just galloped from a size 14 to an 18. If she points this out, tell her that the weight is just in her boobs and arse.
Right, you’ve ticked off getting that friend. Time for the obligatory booze because you cannot turn up to the wedding sober. Remember you don’t know anyone so you might be plopped at a table with the maids and drivers and annoying village relatives the couple just had to invite. You really really REALLY don’t want to have to drink the cheap plonk they were served. So down a couple of shots – just enough to be merry because, at the same time, you don’t want to rock up drunk.
Are you merry? Swell. You’re perfectly coiffed and your friend is relatively alright-looking? Grand. Time to uber there. Oh, you’ve already spent a lot of money? My friend, please drop this book and go and read some Mills and Boons and dream of the man you will never have because, you my dear, are not ready! Comon, will you flex your Mastercard and order that uber!? Thankfully you don’t need uber black cuz the normal one sends good cars too. Now that you’ve plopped your bum in the cab like a good girl, time to POUT!
Yes, princess. Pout like Kim and take all those selfies cuz it’s time to hashtag your life out.
Then tag all those people cuz you never know, you just might end up on their pages.
And the moment we’ve been waiting for…..
#bellanaija #bellanaijawedding #bella #asoebibella #asoebibella #asoebibella #asoebibella #asoebibella #asoebibella #asoebibella #asoebibella #asoebibella #asoebibella
Yes girl. Hashtag the shit out of Asoebi bella because baby gel, there is the off-chance you might be mentioned as ‘guest’ or have no caption when that wedding ends up on Bella Naija.
And it will -__-
This way, if you get a mention on asoebi bella, you can be tied to the wedding and you have literally hit the wedding stratosphere. Every time you go for an event or a wedding or whatever, bella naija will dig into their archives and pull your name out and lirrul by lirrul, you’ll become a star. A popular jingo. Someone other women aspire to look like or dress like or be like or be associated with.
You will become A Cool Kid!
Until we meet again