B is for Blogging

Have you read the news about Linda Ikeji’s Birkin and wondering whether it’s truly real or fake?

Are you looking at the photos of her Banana Island house once more and thinking, what I would give to be that rich?

Well, keep on dreaming because you’re reading and not writing. Dreaming and not doing.

Basically, you’re being the uncool kid that you are.

Now, blogging has been made very very cool and achievable by so many Nigerian bloggers.

Linda Ikeji, Naijagistlive, Stella Dimikoko (or wotsit), Style vitae, 360 nobs, AislePerfect, Third World Profashional, and of course, our aunty Bella.

So what are you waiting for? Boi, get to writing!

Okay, in order to do this please here are the categories:

Being a gossip blogger. Notice I said blogger not writer. You don’t have to be a great writer. Heck, you don’t have to have finished secondary school even. The bare necessities will do. In order to be tres cool, you have to cover the basics here – you should have all the friends that can supply you with gossip on the ins and outs of the entertainment world, or just be very very catty tongue-in-cheek. Oh, and if you want to be taken seriously, always have photos to back up your accusations write-ups. Sometimes, just the photos will do. No need for any texts. Put up a photo of some juicy story and watch the comments build up like traffic on Ozumba.

Being a fashion blogger. Now, some people are naturally blessed with the fashion spirit. Some people throw on their grandmother’s clothes and look very chic. Some drape a pashmina round their bodies artfully and their style is copied by girls nationwide.

Some dress up like the cultists they’ve always aspired to be and get hailed as the new Vivienne Westwood. Some believe in colour blocking to the point that they look like a rainbow Popsicle and they are revered by Instagram sycophants. Some hide behind their laptops and fake handles and call themselves ‘fashion police’ and are actually taken seriously.

Oh dear…have I deviated from my message? I think I have. *SCREEEEECH*

Where was I? Yes, basically you can dress how you like, but just make sure that it’s loud enough or wonderful enough to get you on the news. To get your photos RT’d like a Kim Kardashian nude selfie.

Be you Victoria Beckham or Denrele, better work that blog and break the internet, gurl! Your blog will become sought after, and cool kid status will gallop your way. Belie’ dat!

Being a guest-blogger. Now, you may not have the time or energy or mental capacity to start your own blog but fear not. You can guest blog on others. Piggy back, it is called. Email them asking that you would like to guest blog. Beg that friend of a friend that runs the popular blogs. Trust me, it works. Make sure you use a catchy pseudonym if you don’t want people knowing who you are. That’s my trick anyway. Very soon, you’ll be sought after by major blogs and sites and your name will be on every one’s lips.

Well, your pseudonym.

Be A Bitch. Yaz. You must be a bitch if you want to succeed. Who the hell knew what a naijagistlive was until this man/woman swooped in and turned Linda Ikeji into a lullaby?

Don’t just leave it to the anonymous commenters. Be an anonymous commenter in your post. Don’t just leave it to the photos. Girl, make people ignore the photos because they want to gobble up the text instead. That friend who you grew up with that was stupid enough to misbehave in the public eye? Throw her to the darn wolves. Now! Maintenant! And make sure you put in the fact that you know that popular politician/IG vixen/baby mama/entertainer personally. I mean, how else will people believe that you’re being honest?

Oh, and better be anonymous. If not, your own don finish be dat.

PS – don’t get caught. You’re on your own oh.

Now, I hope I was able to convince and not confuse you on how to turn your banal blog into a cool kid’s blog. I’m sorry…you still want to focus on the news and your fictional stories and your writing which is articulate, well thought out and educative?

LOL. You aren’t ready, my dear.

NEXT!

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