We all know our milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
The question is, will we give the milk for free or make them buy the cow?
It’s a difficult question, particularly for those of us on the journey to marriage. By the way, I was having a conversation with someone over the weekend that just made me realize that, this whole idea of “I am single and satisfied and don’t need a man is the reason why a lot of women in Lagos are secretly crying themselves to sleep”.
This person was of the opinion that, you should never act like you need a man and it left me wondering, how is a man going to be attracted to a woman he doesn’t feel likes him back?. I am not talking about being desperate and needy, or guys, if a woman gave you red lights will you proceed and continue chasing her so you can win her, regardless of the vibes she gave you?
See, there are no guarantees in life, but in the journey to finding or making your soul mate, this is even truer. If you are guarded you have no space in your life for any healthy person to come in. I know some people say if you love me, you will tear down my walls, but aint nobody got time for that, in my head, healthy relationships are made up of two healthy and vulnerable individuals and not people seeking a saviour to tear down their defence mechanisms.
Anyways, sorry for my scatter-brain, back to milkshakes.
To this person, a vibrator and friends with benefits were the cure to playing the mind-games dating. Yes, we all have needs but when do we cross the line? Vibrators cannot touch you, and that friend with benefit thing is not for everyone, someone like me will mess up and catch feelings, so I cannot even try to play myself like that. Feelings will certainly develop and complicate things, or worse still, the farmer (guy) gets so used to the idea of “this” exotic milkshake that he doesn’t bother buying the cow because the cow is giving away free milk, so why commit?
My last relationship taught me, not that I didn’t always know this, that men are logical not emotional, that’s why in an intense environment, a man will struggle to understand what a woman is saying even though it’s glaring and makes sense why the guy should stop talking to the ex.
“Guys have you ever been having a logical argument with a woman and she gets frustrated and starts crying and suddenly you are confused as to what all this was about in the first place and start to be beg her just because you cannot handle the intensity of her emotions”?
For a man, it has to make sense, for a woman it has to feel right.
These situations get so complicated. You start out having fun then you develop feelings or it lasts longer than it should and becomes an in between “not friends, not relationship” kind of thing.
Sometimes, it’s hard to resist a charming farmer and let him taste the milk for free. But really, it should be just a taste, a preview of what he will get when he buys the cow AND it shouldn’t be right away. If a man feels like he can get away with just anything, he will do just that. A while ago I was talking to a man about something that happened to my friend and he was like “I know you wouldn’t be dramatic you are kind and soft-spoken, and I was like try me and see, I certainly won’t become dramatic, but I will leave your ass, it will shock you”. Men understand strong languages, and that language is not drama but rather setting up boundaries and implementing the consequences when it gets abused.
Mr. October, tried me like that, he clearly didn’t tell his ex that he had a new life so she kept hope alive. And when I had enough, we had an adult conversation where I told him I was excusing myself for him to sort his life out without demanding that he cut his ex off. He actually didn’t think I was serious that he even asked if I was really leaving him; and I thought ‘see this one oh because clearly he had been dealing with women that would cry and beg but not ImaRose. Truth is, I do like Mr October and if I am still available and interested after he has cleaned up his mess then no problem but if not then it was never meant to be.
What I’m trying to say is if you keep giving men benefits of a committed relationship when all your requirements are not met, he will never meet them. I’m not talking marriage, just being in a public committed relationship not some secret affair.
And what if he doesn’t want to make the purchase? Well then you would have saved yourself the heartache because he wasn’t worth your time and someone else more deserving will come along who fully deserves your yummy milkshake!
I’ll finish by saying “For all those men who keep husband benefits of women they clearly know they will never marry and they say “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” here’s an update for you. Nowadays many women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!” ~attributed to Andy Rooney
Categories: the urban dater