C IS FOR COOKING

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I always hated cooking. I wondered why, just because I was a girl, I had to learn how to cook and slave away in the kitchen so that society will be pleased. Then I realized, how else will I attain cool kid status if I don’t bloody please society?

No, not the older generation. Our generation, my dear students.

You see, cooking has become cool again. Oh yes. Not just for girls but for guys too. Especially for guys. Cooking is the new six-pack.

I repeat, Cooking is the New Six Pack.

Oh, you can cook rice and stew? You can make jollof? You can make amala? Wow, brava to you and your cows. Clap your hands for yourself. You must think you have arrived.

You are a learner.

Can you fashion a rose out of dodo? Can you make agbalumo gelato? Can you make ice cream out of human breast milk? Can you make a Nigerian flag out of eba? Can you make asun sushi rolls?

You can’t, can you?

See why I called you a learner?

Learning at your mother’s lap won’t help you, dear child. Except if it is because you want to cook for your husband. If that’s the case, have at it. You’re alright. You’ve succeeded. You will be a great…

Spouse.

Not cool kid. Never that.

In order to attain this glorious status, you need to do a whole lot more. Firstly, it’s not just about learning how to cook at any culinary school. Please, please and please, even if it involves selling a kidney, try your hardest to go to Le Cordon Bleu. You don’t know what this? Google is your homie, boo. I promise you, it will give you that stepping stone you need. My sister still hates my dad for not doing this for her.

I hate him too. Now I’m a cool kid but she’s still languishing with the plebs.

Once you’ve gone there, come back to Nigeria pronto and jump into the cooking fray. Now, you have to hurry up because a lot of people are on this cooking p oh. With the event at Whitespace featuring cooks on chefs on cooks, you have to fight to get in there, mehn!

Secondly, you need a snazzy name. With the title, chef. Whether you learnt how to make a meringue from BBC Food channel, it’s not anyone’s business. You can fake it to make it. Call yourself Chef-Candy or something of the sort. It’ll open doors…or blogging fame.

Thirdly, you must transcend cooking and create. Yes, create. Let your creative juices flow. Don’t just make a muffin, make a croissant/muffin aka cruffin. Don’t just make amala, make fluffy cassava rolls. Don’t just fry plantain, make shaved dodo curls.

You get the picture? Make it an art.

And lastly, be pricey! Yes. You’re selling a box of your cinnamon dusted, gold-flaked cherry tarts for N5000.00 because you want to be affordable and feed the masses? Ha! I laugh in your unpopular face. You better tweak that price to N5000.00 per cinnamon dusted, gold-flaked cherry tart! Don’t be stupid, boy!

When you’ve achieved Chef-Froyo status, then you can make the mass products for the ones that aren’t worthy. That way, it’ll seem like you’re an altruistic chef. One that knows how to feed the public.

Until then, be an expensive muthaf****. A cool one, too.

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