Incase you didn’t know, Linda Ikeji is looking to buy her Nigerian husband (buy naija to grow the naira I guess) and Beyonce released #Lemonade filled with speculations of her husband’s side-chick Becky with the good hair, but if a man will cheat on Beyonce though, we women have to know that it is not by fine or trying too hard, na God go help us!

Also, over the weekend, this tweet by Funmi Iyanda

As an anti-feminist woman, I mostly disagree with Funmi Iyanda’s ideologies on these issues, but this one got me thinking. It doesn’t matter how many degrees you have or what you are doing as a woman for the benefit of humanity, if you don’t have a man, you are useless, according to our society. So we spend our lives looking for ways to find and keep a man, that’ll make us useful to society. 

Men on the other hand get a free pass to jump from woman to woman, in the name of sowing their wild oats but women have to hide for the fear of shaming or being labelled a “hoe”.

So over the weekend, while my friend cooked a bad ass meal in her kitchen, the whole topic of ‘getting it outta your system’ before commitment and marriage came up and it was sure an interesting conversation. 

I was telling my friends that this good girl life seems to be working against me, because let’s be honest, other than the bible saying to refrain from sex until marriage to protect the heart, are there any other benefits for low body count and virginity?

As for men, marriage automatically  wipes away their body count but why not for women? My friends were of the opinion that sometimes, it is necessary for women to get it out of their systems too, so that curiosity doesn’t drive them to “what ifs or sex with the ex or temptation with the wrong man”.

In their opinion, every woman needs to have dated at most one bad guy that was not good enough to be married to but was perfect for the sack so that why you can do all your adventure and acrobatic and know there’s more to commitment than good sex. In summary, every good girl has to go bad at least once in her lifetime.

While we laughed and they shared their stories, I took down some key points which I am kind enough to share with you today. But I should say this in advance, if you are one of those type of women that fall in love easily especially after you get good ‘D’ maybe this post is not for you…my hand no dey there. 

Back to the notes:

  1. He should not tick all the right boxes
    One of the major things that makes FWB difficult for women is when people start getting caught in their feelings, and women, we are guilty of this bad behaviour.  The best way to avoid falling in love is to avoid doing any bonding activities or planning for the future e.t.c and don’t try to delude yourself into thinking that this could blossom into a meaningful relationship like it did for Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher in “No Strings Attached”. Because nine times out of ten, it won’t. The best way to starve off potential commitment cravings is to make sure this “friend” is someone you’d never consider dating on a very good day, but he at least has good teeth if that is important to you. The key to this is physical attraction dazz all…
  2. He should not be #TeamHusbandMaterial:
    In other words, avoid your ideal man or the kind of man who will flaunt the idea of looking for a serious relationship or marriage in your face, that kind is dangerous and has the ability knowingly or unknowingly making you mess up and leave your heart on his bed. What you need is someone who is not your ideal husband so you both know the reason you are’hanging out’. You probably think this point is like #1 above but it isn’t, you can find a guy will all the right features but you know you cannot be with him forever so he is definitely not on your list of #TeamHusbandMaterial
  3. He should be respectful: The unspoken rule of FWB situation is that he is not supposed to perform boyfriend duties like texting daily, remembering birthdays or being a plus one to your cousin’s birthday but feel free to take him to that wedding that your haters will be there as a bae sef and show him off to the office crowd you care to impress. However, he still has to respect you and your space, he can’t be acting like an idiot, cancelling booty call plans last-minute or sending you romantic text messages.
  4. He must be good:
    I mean why else is he in consideration, he should be able to make you scream, turn your upside down, make your toes curl and whatever it is you want. If you are going to sin  and live in active fornication then let the sin be worth it.
  5. You must have a time frame:
    Shebi you still want to get married eventually and you know this one is not the one for you? Ehen, so you put a time frame on it and end it before he starts thinking of a future; change your numbers if you have to. You have to be logical in this sexationship.
  6. He should not be your ex:
    I can already hear the “buts”. Girls there are no buts, your FWB should never be an ex and that’s all that there is to it. I don’t care how he is the only person in all the planets God created that can take you to special places in your mind. You have too much history to reintroduce sex without it creeping back all those feelings that will awaken old emotions. Exes are not an option. Period.
  7. Remember you are still SINGLE
    Like Mary Jane in Being Mary Jane, don’t go and exclude yourself from the dating scene. You are not in a relationship, he is not your potential husband, you cannot change him, all you care about is the fact that he is sexually clean. Shikena

And that’s it, maybe it’s the idea of turning 30 that is worrying me, but I won’t lie and say I am not considering it. I am scare sha, my mind is conflicted and I am the sort of person that will stop going to church if I end up in this kind of thing and will probably dash the guy my heart sef before the 2nd week *sigh* 

So what do you guys think though? Are you a sexationship supporter or are you like me on the #teamwaitformarriage? What are your thoughts and what other pointers do you have to give?



Categories: the urban dater

13 replies

  1. The calabar girl in you is desperate to come out, Ima can I apply?
    Serious though I enjoyed reading this and I agree that women don’t have it easy in trying explore their sexuality.


  2. He must not be in your circle.

    Don’t go and do friend with benefits with someone that may know your future husband o, oyo for you be that


  3. Hehehheee, Imarose, joor, document your X-rated experience, I am eager to read your honest experience of “when good girls go bad”. ImaRose

    Delusional. A FWB is so common before I married for women too, it just that most women will swear by heaven and earth to being a good girl.

    I concede it is easier for us guys to do it and get a free pass, but make no mistake. It has always been the girl that gets feelings and spoils the sextashionshp.

    However, I would never consider a relationship with or marry a fuck-buddie. Honestly, if I found out a girl had more than say 7 sexual partners before me, I would have written her off as marriage material in my single days.

    I can already hear the “That’s a sexist/unfair/misogynistic double standard” accusations forming as I write this. However, it’s also not fair that men buy the drinks, the house, $10k engagement ring, the blah, bliggity blah, name of some unnecessary and expensive items we guys buy for demanding baby-girl women in Nigeria.

    While it is expensive for a man, women control the sexual market place! End of discussion.

    If you don’t want bad boys contaminating your womb, then don’t date bad boys. If you stop dating bad boys, and giving them kids, well then you won’t have to wait until your thirties to settle for some chump with the money he saved over the decade you denied him to join you on your mad dash to baby making pre-fertility-wall. Women want to eat their cake and have it just as much as men want to.

    At age 39, married with two kids, I have fucked almost 300 women that I can remember oh. But my wife has not been with anyone but me. smile emoticon

    Even if she had, it would be nothing in comparison to me. Plus she’s hot!

    You see, and I tell her all the time, you women made me. I merely recognized the sexual marketplace for what it is. Women’s self-induced-delusions. Rather than be hurt by it, I rode it’s waves, and cashed in, broke a few hearts and abandoned ship when the time is right. But I haven’t really abandoned ship sha, but I should shey?

    Good luck to you on doing the same, but just make sure you give us details, for writing this post at all you owe us that much.


  4. Dear Yoruba-Demon,

    I dey greet oh. I enjoyed reading your epistle, make I start first na, I promise to document the experience LOL!


  5. Girl I support you, get it outta your system. Seriously, though, there is something about exploring your sexuality that eventually makes you satisfied and able to see road; that way nobody can use good sex to trap you. I have been in horrible relationship with a good for nothing man, just because of sex, after I got myself, I went on a sex discovery journey and learnt a lot about myself sexually what I like and how to satisfy a man.

    Today I am happily married and not wondering about what else is out there because I have tried possibly everything and I know how it feels like to feel trapped because of sex


  6. I say do it if it will make you happy, but also remember to be in control of the situation meaning – do it far from home and make eveidence hard to find. Older women offered advice in that order. Thing is this – na who them catch be thief for this life…how many men can deal with the truth? Not many so why bother telling it? Live your life for yourself and no other mortal. If you chose to live it for God, thats also not bad!


  7. 1. Be true to yourself. If you’re not cut out for that life, just stay enjoying your friends’ gist. You may get burnt and/or bitter. On the other hand … A good wave might rock your boat 😶

    2. “He must be good:
    I mean why else is he in consideration, he should be able to make you scream, turn your upside down, make your toes curl and whatever it is you want. If you are going to sin and live in active fornication then let the sin be worth it.” I choked on my water reading this. Apt!


  8. OMG. A friend sent this to me. This long comment guy is the typical Lagos man married to a good girl but spreading his seed around town. Such a terrible sense of entitlement; a serial cheat wants a woman with low body count, how very stupid, Its sad world we live in sha


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