This is for the single girls. Why? Because if you’re already engaged then you’re cool and don’t need this sage bit of advice I’m about to magnanimously impart *duh*.
You’ve been with your boyfriend for what…3 months?? And he’s not proposed.
Oh, did you think I meant single as in without a boyfriend? Dear girl, if you do not have a ring on your finger then you are very very single. Please run to the front of the line to catch that bouquet, my friend!
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, you guys have been together for such a long time – 3 months is long in this Nigeria oh, and you’re without a ring. He has not dropped any hints of proposing. He is ignoring all your ooohs and aaaahs about Tiffany or Van Cleef or Cartier…
Please please please, your game needs to be upped!
Time to start googling rings on his phone. Time to start printing out fancy rings and dropping them accidentally on purpose on his desk. Time to tag him on @bellanaijaweddings and @aisleperfect and the like.
Time to bloody drag him to Tiffany & Co and point at the damn ring you want!
Don’t carry last, girls.
Okay, you are fairly certain he’s going to propose. My dear girl, it’s time to up the ante. Please make sure your nail game is on fleek! If it means spending a fortune investing in pretty manicures weekly, then by all means, ensure that you do so. Go to your favourite salon and jump the queue by whispering loudly that your boyfriend has spoken to your dad.
You just might get a discount.
No long horrible multi-coloured Shaniqua nails, please. The prettiest manicures will get the most likes…ooops, congratulation messages.
Now that your nails are fleeky, time to practice your surprised face. Stand in front of the mirror and gasp loudly. Then do the lower lip wobble. Great. Now time to force those tears out. Please my darling, about-to-become-a-fiancée, do not and I mean DO NOT cry horrible tears. I can assure you that someone is videoing your proposal and you do not want to look ugly.
Try to keep it to one tear sliding down your left cheek a la Marilyn Monroe. Practice makes perfect; you’ll get it with time and lots and lots of practice.
If you can’t get the tear, then learn how to swoon gracefully. Don’t drop like a bag of cement to the floor. You want to look graceful not get a concussion. Oh, and make sure you propel your slow, swan-like slump towards a sofa. Or chair. Or someone’s arms…maybe the waiter?
Don’t shriek stupidly. Make sure it’s a girly squeal. Not screech oh, you might sound like a mad fishwife on tape. Give a little ‘eeek’ or ‘eeep’.
Please please please do not run around the restaurant (or wherever) like a cornered rat. I saw a video on IG of a girl who scuttled under a table. It was not cute. It was not pretty. It detracted from an awwww video clip. I beg you. You won’t be cool. Please.
When he eventually slides that canary diamond on your finger, end it with a cute laugh and a kiss. Now remember, for some odd reason, maybe because of the Jim Iykes of our world, Nigerian kisses don’t look pretty in videos. So if you think your tongue might look like a giant pink caterpillar (or white if you’re a Miley wannabe) slithering around his gob, then please restrain yourself and keep it to a lingering peck on his lips. If possible, angle your face away from the camera so all they can see is your wavy JL wig as you plant an ecstatic one on his face. It has saved a lot of girls, trust me.
Right, that’s done then.
DO NOT BE THE ONE TO POST IT ON IG/BBM/WHATSAPP first! Act all coy and so into the moment that you forgot to put it up.
I’m sure you’re now wondering how you’ll get the gist out sharply.
Dear girl, are you not an aspiring cool kid? Okay, I guess that is why I’m here to help you.
Send it to your bff or sister/cousin/jealous-but-acting-like-she’s-happy-for-you friend.
You don’t need to tell them to put it up. Trust me, they’ll do so with alacrity. These people want to show their closeness to you by being the first to upload and tag. Maybe so they’ll be your bridesmaids, maybe to imply that they are your closest friends, maybe because they are genuinely happy for you *SNORT*, either way, it’ll definitely go up.
Do not comment immediately! Wait for a few hours. I assure you, a lot of comments will be waiting under your photo. By friends and by those that want to tap into your blessing. Of course, there might be some haters that want to open your nyash by gossiping about an affair you may/may not have had once upon a time. Be graceful in your appreciation. You do not want to come across as gloating.
After a few days, (note that the cool kids wait for about a week), put up the photo of your ring. Get the best angle even if it means taking 100 photos then deleting till you get the best one. Change your manicure even to get the right nail colour that will show off your ring perfectly.
Unlock your account if private. You want the whole world to know that you have finally joined the engaged click. It is coveted.
And that, my dear girl, is how you attain cool fiancée status.
Once attained, go crazy with your pre-engagement shoots/videos/submarine photos.
The world is finally your oyster.