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Hi, cool kids.
Haha, not you. Not if you haven’t followed everything here, and considering we are still on ‘F’, my darling heart, you have a veeeery long way to go.
Sweetlings, do you work out? Do you eat healthy? Do you count calories?
You do? Good.
Do you do all this without taking photos at the gym or out in the open like the infamous Lekki-Ikoyi bridge or without following those popular IG accounts like ask damz?
Sigh, you really don’t want to be cool, do you?
Okay, let’s work through this together.
- Gym: You have to choose the right gym. Not any kwe kwe gym oh. You need to be strategic in your choice of gyming. Proflex? Bodyline? Gym in Lekki? Yup. These are the top-tier ones. Please pay the membership fee and go religiously. Yeah, yeah, you might actually lose weight, but that’s not what we are here for. That’s a lucky plus please *yawn*. We need you to be here so you can prove to the world that you are actually a part of the #fitfam family.
Now, let’s think of your pockets. If you’re lucky enough to be signed by your office to a gym then please choose the most expensive one as this aids your cool status. *faux-whispers Bodyline*.
Oh, did you choose Bodyline? You are not only psychic, but halfway to becoming a cool kid!!
Bodyline is for the cool, rich kids/adults. Not only will you get fit and trim, but you will be killing 3 cool birds with one stone – gym, beautiful photos, and potential spouse. Oh yes, spouse. This is where you will find the coolest and wealthiest men.
**disclaimer – don’t think because he is not wearing ring that he is single oh. I will just delete this post and you will be on your own!**
*clears throat*, right. As I was saying, if you cannot afford Bodyline but you have some money to burn, then there’s Proflex. This is in the commercial hub that is Victoria Island, so you’ll get to meet the rich-working class men, uhm…oh, I’m sorry, you’ll get to work out and get fit. Fit fam *side eye*
Then there’s Gym in Lekki. I call this Gym in Lekki because, obviously, I do not know the name. What I do know, is this is THE gym to be. Everyone but everyone goes to this gym. It’s somewhere behind the old Elevation Church in Lekki and it’s so popular that it’s always fully booked. This is the place to work out. This is the place to find your man. This is the place to take beautiful photos. This is the place to show off. This is the place to become cool. Luckily, it’s very affordable.
This is the place, guys. Gym in Lekki!
Oh, and if you’re a posh totty and are a member of Ikoyi Club then please, by all means, utilize this membership. Nuff Said.
- Classes: Now, it’s one thing to gym and pound away at the treadmill without a personal trainer. You might just look stupid there because you don’t quite know what you’re doing. No point wasting money without being cool; join one of the numerous classes out there!
So there are countless spinning and zumba classes littering the island. Join, hashtag and drop those pounds…while gaining those icicles *chortle chortle*.
Then there are pole-dancing classes. Or burlesque classes. Oh yazzzzzz, child! SLAY! Not only will you be fit, but you’ll be flexible and sexy for that lucky man. And your cool status will soar like an eagle.
Boxing classes. Oh boxing classes. Just one session and you will be hooked, guys. Hot totty abound. Oops. I mean, you will have fun and tone up those muscles.
Of course…Only reason….I promise…..*pssst, enough fit guys there. FIT. Droooooool*
- Charity: No, I don’t mean carrying bags and bags to an orphanage (although that’s a good thing to be a part of). What I mean is the walking. Or running. Anything with a #somethingortheotherCharity5KMsomething.
There are the walks up and down the Lekki-Ikoyi toll bridge. Have you guys noticed that most of these charity walks/runs/cycles are always on this bridge? I guess…well, I need not say much. Become a part of the hashtag, guys. If the celebrities can do it, then why can’t you!?
- Food: Need. To. Eat. Healthy…
For the gram.
Okay, let’s be honest. This isn’t teeeechnically about you struggling through baby food and leaves. This is about you being cool. So honey boo chile’, you must spend money to look cool. Order from Simply Green. Get from The Daily Bread, order those greens! And hashtag #fitfam. I cannot overemphasize how important it is that you hashtag your healthy fitfam food. From a popular healthy blog.
For your own good, my dear.
- Outfit: This is crucial. You are not in some obscure shanty village fetching water. You are jogging in the gym/across the bridge/at that hotel boxing class *cough* Eko Hotel *cough*
You must be on fleek.
If you are already fit/toned, then by all means, wear that body-hugging shirt and leggings with pretty trainers. Sigh…reminiscing about the Sketcher days haha. If you are plus-size, don’t despair. You can still be on fleek. Just make sure your outfit isn’t so body-hugging.
Die-hards are free to wear waist-trainers too. Just…try not to faint. Or if you do, then delete this post from your bookmarks. Many thanks and God bless.
- Social Media: I need not remind you of the importance of social media. Please, everything must be on the gram. Every. Single. Thing. Instagram is your best friend. Snapchat is your lover. Twitter is your cousin, and Facebook, your great-grandmother.
Utilize your artillery.
Attain cool kid status.
- Make-up: Now, I have noticed a few unfortunate souls that think the gym is a wedding. Then they look so confused and hurt when sweat turns their faces into Jide Kosoko’s.
Errr, in the words of Rihanna, ‘nigga is you blind!?’
Please don’t disgrace yourself and sweat away your make-up oh. Don’t be deceived by Toke Makinwa who spritzes her face with water and the make-up is still rock-solid. She wasn’t running up that proverbial hill. She was standing somewhere looking pretty. Don’t be fooled, children!
HOWEVER, if you know that your face without make-up is like one of those poor, exploited souls on MUA IG accounts that are hideously hideous in the before photo, then please learn how to apply the ‘barely-there’ make-up….
…Then stick to jogging on the bridge at night.
Seriously. That’s the only way I can help you -__-
- At home: This is not advisable. You won’t be cool. You will get toned and fit and all of that. But you won’t be cool. Sorry, guys.Then again if social media is involved maybe you can make it otherwise nah!
And that’s it, folks. Go forth and achieve coolness!
See you on the bridge tomorrow 🙂