HASHTAGGING AND INSTAGRAM

Hi guys!

So…have you noticed a trend with some of these alphabets? Yes? You have? Clever boys and girls!

Hashtagging!

People have conquered twitter continents with hashtags.

People have broken the internet.

Hashtags, my dear wannabe coolios. Hashtags.

Trending topics on IG and twitter now reign. Even in real life! You see hashtags on billboards. Hashtags in work emails. Hashtags for retreat ideas.

Hashtagging is now a part of life.

In order to be a cool kid in this field, please know that dry jokes won’t help you – except you’ve perfected Tony Starks or Hugh Grant’s deadpan delivery of witty droll humour.

*I’m 95% certain none of you can achieve this so please don’t try*

That being said, you can dominate someone else’s hashtag! Yes!

There’s a trending topic on twitter? Gird your funny bone with your best deliveries and hop on that TT. You just might get retweets in the tens of thousands and be on the twitter wall of fame. This is a coveted spot, beli’ dat!

That wedding you’re attending that has a hashtag #TeeJay2016? Hop on that with your bestest photos and get people following you for your sense of style. You just might be the next Daks!

You just thought of something really witty and sarky? Don’t waste it on your friends in your group chat! How on earth will the world know that you’re the next bloody Ricky Gervais!?

Get to hashtagging and tweeting.

Coolness awaits you.

Now…INSTAGRAM!

In fact, I need not write an epistle on this. You KNOW your Instagram has to be topnotch in order for you to be deemed cool. But…because I really want you guys to achieve my status, I’ll help you. I’ll impart wise words of wisdoms in your lives and hope you heed my advice.

Ladies.

Please please and pretty please, take at least 70 photos then c.a.r.e.f.u.l.l.y whittle them down to the best one before you put up on Instagram. This is very very imperative. I have a few friends that even send me photos to ask for my always blunt, yet honest opinion before posting on the wonderful IG app. I beg you in the mighty name of the Most High – do not just put up photos willy nilly. Not if you want to be cool anyway.

When filtering, please filter your photos with sense. I beg you, aunty. Some of you Valencia then screen munch. Then Rise then screenmunch. Then Sierra then screenmunch. By the time you’re done with your final edit, you’re looking like one anime character. This is not Manga cartoon please. You are not so smooth that you’re blending with the cream wall behind you. Guys have cottoned on to the fact that we are not what we seem in photos. Let the disparity be at its bare minimum, e jo.

Please photoshop with sense. If Beyonce can be caught out with a bendy tile floor untop thigh gap, how much more you? A mere mortal. Please scrutinize your photoshopped photos carefully before uploading. You might think that deleting that photo 5 minutes after will save you, but not in this wicked screenmunching and reposting world we live in. What goes on the interwebs is on there for good. Sod deleting!

If you want to be a cool kid with lots of followers then unlock that account now now! You’re not a celeb and you want 20,000 followers but you’re locking account. Ain’t nobody gat time to be sending follower request! When you have gained your 50,000 followers then you can lock your account and see people begging for the coveted spot of being a follower. But only after you’ve gained all those followers…

And that brings me to my next point. The only way to get followers is to get crazy likes. Please please and please put up beyoootiful photos for likes. Maybe you’re fat and pimply 5 days a week but your skin is glorious for 2 days. Take all the damn photos taken those 2 days and distribute them daily on your IG. And better wear a burka in public during those 5 days because bad beles are rife on these streets. Let them catch you looking off point…it’s not me you will cry to oh. I have warned you.

Look at your surroundings before taking photos please. Do not put up one ‘on fleek’ photo, forgetting that there’s a used tampon behind you. You will achieve popularity. Just not the kind you wanted.

DO NOT PUT UP ONLY SELFIES! Mix it up, pleaaaase. If it means roping in your nearest and dearest friend to bear with you and take 100 photos for you to choose from then do so. Selfie upon selfie upon selfie doesn’t work for the masses. Except you’re Kim K. And you aren’t.

Please, I beg you, do not quote fake deep trash when putting up photos of yourself. Why oh why do people put up photos with half their breasticles on show then write ‘the river does not flow from the mountain, it flows from the sea #God’schild #Christian #Pretty #Playersgonplay’ …

Hunh!?

Be very careful in all you do with IG, ladies. Know that we have dementors lurking to take you down. The instablog9ja and others that love to screenmunch so as to take the piss. They exist. Be systematic in your planning and posting. Act like this is a job interview because it is. It is an interview for cool status. And once you get there, you can never go back. You need not defend yourself once you have your army.

Sit back, relax and watch your ‘beehive’ Voltron for your arse.

Totally worth the hour long process it takes to put up a photo in 10 seconds JJ

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