It’s your favourite gist partner on all things single living in Lasgidi, today I’m going to talk about the biggest obstacle that stands in our way from having the relationship we want, and that … wanting the guys who has made it clear in words or actions that they don’t want us.
The single most important lesson I have learnt in the last 10 months about dating is that, until a man has come to that place in his life where the decision to commit is his choice, nothing a woman does will make him do it.
So did I tell you guys I met this guy who is like a lot older and knows what he wants? Well, let’s see how this goes, but I love what I am experiencing sha!
I am an expert in the subject because so far too many years the only guys who held any sort of intrigue for me were the ones I couldn’t quite have. The ones who gave all the excuses in the world; “it’s not you it’s me” “I am busy” “If I don’t call or text, you should call me” and “my ex won’t leave me alone”.
And the ones who were head over heels in love with me and willing to do anything for me? Bleh, I didn’t want them. I wanted to want them and everything they offered, but I just didn’t. And the heart wants what the heart wants, right? The moment, I realised for myself that all of these things are nothing but excuses and that my acceptance of them showed nothing but my own insecurities and childishness, I decided like Paul said in the bible to put away childish things and become a woman.
Girls, there is nothing attractive about wanting an unavailable man, you are hurting yourself, stop it.
Before I decided to give this guy a chance, I am not going to give him a name or write about him besides making occasional reference about him; ImaRose is protecting her happiness.
There was another guy, let’s call him January, January was yet another classic case of the type of guy I just couldn’t seem to resist. He was charming, charismatic, confident, fun, and always slightly beyond my grasp. He also had some deep-rooted emotional problems to deal with and some major commitment issues and the demons that follow successful young men in Lagos.
He is the type of guy I refer to as a “damage case,” a guy who has a lot of potential hidden under a pile of his demons. The “bad boy” who needs to be saved. And like many women, I wanted to be his healer, his saviour, to be the woman who inspired him to break through his walls and finally commit.
Damage cases are like a pair of Christian Louboutin super sexy shoes, but very hard to walk in and brutally uncomfortable. Meanwhile, Jimmy Choos are much more comfortable shoes but they tend to blend in by their less complicated looks, only more mature women will understand the comparison between Louboutin and Jimmy Choos.
Like a pair of Louboutin, Mr December was amazing to look at—both beautiful and sexy, and was too tempting not to have. But when I wore it, I was in agony ever so often, at least more often than not. Then I took off the shoes and experience euphoric relief, the most incredible feeling. But this feeling doesn’t come from gaining something positive, it comes from removing something negative—pain. This experience is the same as dating unavailable guys.
They seem to be everything you want, so enticing you can’t resist them. But when you have them, you just feel pain and discomfort. Your stomach is in knots as you wait for the next text, or for a sign that he truly cares. Then he gives you some sort of indication that he does, and you’re ecstatic; you feel a rush of euphoria. But, again, he pulls back away by not calling, making any plans or texting for five days and you’re back in those unbearable shoes. Then he comes back, and relief. And on and on it goes.
In my dumb days, I am talking up until very recently oh; I kept chasing stupid hope to get the high of removing those painful shoes. And I thought if only X would happen, then I would have that taking-shoes-off feeling forever. As I got older (fast forward to since March/April) I realized I didn’t want to be on this roller coaster ride anymore and I decided that a comfortable pair of shoes that gave me the support I needed and a steady feeling of ease was much better than a sporadic shocking jolt of relief.
October and December were simultaneously the catalyst for this realization. It had been a while since I had wanted after a damage case of a man, and I thought I had nipped that problem in the bud until he came along and got me all twisted like a pretzel. It was devastating on many levels, especially to my ego! I mean, I was supposed to know better at this point in my life.
After a series of letdowns, of high hopes and thinking things would be different followed by crushing disappointment and feeling like a fool for once again thinking the same story would have a different ending, I made a firm resolution to end this cycle for good, to make a lasting change that would lead me to the kind of love and relationship that I really wanted. I was going to finally figure out why I kept going after the guys who didn’t want me.
This post continues next week!
Categories: the urban dater