Lessons from Mr October (Part 2)

Continued from last week

After being crushed by December yet again, I decided to sit down and ask myself some really tough questions. By the way, this is how I learnt what ghosting was; when a man acts like you don’t exist for five days then shows up with “hey beautiful” after courting his other options and giving himself a break to serve you your turn!

So I asked myself what I was getting out of this relationship. Why was I so drawn to him even though I objectively knew he wouldn’t be a good long-term partner? What had he even given to me? I did invest a lot of time and effort into December as I did October, but what had they ever actually done to show me they cared?

And the answer was nothing, besides occasional text, calls, and same old boring dates of sampling Lagos restaurant, absolutely, nothing.

I was getting nothing out of these relationships except for quick shots of temporary validation whenever they seemed to reciprocate my interest, and that is just very sad. And then I realized that I am not the kind of woman who needs that sort of thing anymore.

Maybe I did when I was younger, but I’m not that girl anymore, and I don’t need to repeat history in order to subconsciously mend some old wounds that stems from my lack of a biological father and somehow a dysfunctional family!

Next I looked at why I kept tolerating October and December even though it was clear that the relationship were on life support. I thought long and hard about what I was getting from them that kept drawing me back in, and the answers I got NEVER went beyond validation.

I realized that with October and December I felt less alone and maybe a little understood. Like me, they were both a little lost and hurt from dysfunctional families, and that made me feel a little more OK in my own; it must be a match, our pains are relatable.

October used to tell me bullshit like, God sent you to me so we could heal each other. I don’t know my biological dad nor do I want to, he knew his but his dad never wanted him.

I also considered what I was giving to the relationship (if you could even call it that) and why. Why was I so invested in solving his issues? Why was I so wrapped up in getting inside his head?

The reason, I believe, is that getting lost in his drama was an escape from dealing with my own life and my own issues (one of which was why I was so drawn to damage cases like October and December!). I felt like I had a mission and a purpose and for whatever reason, that felt kind of nice … at least for a little while.

Once I saw the situation for what it was, it lost all appeal to me. It was especially easier, because there was a man waiting for the perfect opportunity to court me, and I didn’t have to always guess his next move or what he was thinking, his clarity of intent was known from the beginning. When I got rid of October and December, rather than feeling sorry for myself because I couldn’t get them to commit in the way I wanted, I felt sorry for them for having so many issues, issues that prevented them from committing to a great woman like myself.

I thought why should I even cry or be sad when someone is right here doing all the things I wished for nearly ten months two fuck boys could have done.

There was no hunt, there was no chase, and there were no guessing games. I knew how he felt; I didn’t even have to ask, it was just so obvious. But I had in Oprah’s favourite phase an “Aha” moment and I knew for a fact I was cured from my damage case addiction because the fact that he wanted me didn’t turn me off or make me question his intentions like I always did, instead it made him even more appealing.

The reason I share this story is because I hope a woman who is on a similar path right now will get it and know that when a man isn’t giving you what you want in a relationship, it is never about you, but rather about where he is in his life that you more often can’t do shit about.

Girls, always remember this, damage cases are a waste of your precious time. Wanting a guy who doesn’t want you is a tragedy. Time is a precious thing to waste, so get to work and undo the faulty wiring that leads you to the guys who can’t appreciate you.

More than anything else, the path that leads to lasting love involves making yourself a vessel to receive love. If you only want guys who can’t want you back then you are blocked, so make the decision, right here and now, to push yourself to break free and clear away all the obstacles preventing you from getting what you truly want.





Categories: the urban dater

7 replies

  1. “..rather than feeling sorry for myself because I couldn’t get them to commit in the way I wanted, I felt sorry for them for having so many issues, issues that prevented them from committing to a great woman like myself”
    “..it is never about you, but rather about where he is in his life that you more often can’t do shit about.”

    These resonated with me! Thank you for sharing with us ImaRose, I’m happy for you and I hope everything works out well for you and Mr Obvious feelings 🙂


  2. Imarose first I am giving you a standing ovation right now. There are a lot of girls in this kind of situation….wanting/chasing a guy that doesn’t seem to give them the care they truly deserve. I am an example….the 2 “relationships” I have ever had were with guys that didn’t quite give me the love and attention I needed. They were guys I had to always seek for validation from, guys that made me wonder if they really liked me or not and whenever I got any little attention from them it would make me feel happy. Meanwhile I had other reasonable guys asking me out but I was never interested in them….these ones were caring and I didn’t have a doubt about their feelings for me, I didn’t have to wait or look forward to the time I get attention from them.
    All that has stopped now though. I know I rambled for a while in this comment but I just wanted to get that out.
    Thanks Imarose (my friend in my head).


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