As women, no matter how enlightened we’ve become in our approach to dating, an outdated set of rules that took root in earlier generations which still exists in our heads today. The saddest and most ironic part about these rules is that they were created by women on how to date men.
A while ago, a friend of mine was having an emotional meltdown because she believes a man who wants you should shower you with attention 24 hours a day. I disagreed as a matter of fact, I would feel freaked out if a man I was getting to know was that way. Why? Because I think men deal on the law of equity- because he is more invested as times goes on and is liking what he is experiencing with a woman, thus, opening up to her more and showing her with attention, gift bla bla.
So my friend calls me from ‘the abroad’ for support on a day that I wasn’t feeling particularly upbeat, I put her on hold and called my male bestie in London because he gives me very sound advice, and is responsible for a lot of what has come to be my perspective on how men see things. If you are reading this, thanks B.Umaru.
Her situation was, she was dating this “high quality” man, a high quality is a man who is seemingly serious with his life, has it all together career wise bla-bla. The problem is, he didn’t give her the attention she felt she deserves so she was always doing things that would drive the dude insane. Even I would lose it if I experienced some of the things she told me she had done to the guy.
So my frantic friend would give people the guy’s number to call just to see if he picks since he wasn’t picking her calls and responding to her WhatsApp messages on time; stalk him, show up at his office whenever he said he was working late just to confirm if it was the truth; she went plain kuku. After a while, dude decides to use Truecaller to find the strange numbers calling me and he realised they were all her friends. That pretty much was the end of their relationship because he could no longer take it anymore.
As women we get this idea that a man should think of us 24 hours a day and constantly talk to us. Personally, I don’t like that sort of attention, I prefer space to breathe and evaluate what I’m feeling with a man. The more I grow older and dating high quality man, the more I understand that a man’s needs in a relationship shouldn’t be the same as ours. Men and women receive and give love differently.
Both parties need to learn to adapt to each other’s ways of doing so. But it will be a lifetime process. My friend B was like the only man who can stay in constant communication with a woman all day every day is a manipulator who desperately wants something or a lazy and jobless man.
Not only are the dating rules of dating as we used to know not valid, they were not from a male perspective. But a lot of us women are automatically unknowingly turning good men off with counterproductive expectations and set of rules that were designed by women.
Because I am nice 😉 , I will share with you what B said about how to date and keep a real high-quality man. I’ve expanded on five of B’s points here;
1. Express your feelings in a measured manner season with respect
There’s a difference between open communication and desperation or just plain spitting anger. It’s common at the beginning of any promising new relationship to want to spend virtually all your time together and openly express the intense feelings that begin percolating, but doing so without moderation can make you appear clingy, desperate or overly dependent. A man who has a busy career might like a woman a lot but struggle with fitting out into his life, hence, leaving eventually. B said the sad part of it is, men don’t know how to verbalize their frustrations, so they will internalize it and keep watching until they can’t take it anymore.
2. Don’t pretend, embrace your personality
For decades women were advised to maintain a demure disposition, as opinions and intelligence were considered unfeminine characteristics that would drive away potential suitors. Though women’s rights have evolved tremendously since then, present-day daters continue to mute their personalities in order to appear cute or even submissive. Sample survey of all the married men currently chasing me are men who claim to be bored with their wives. Don’t be afraid to let your real personality shine through, but don’t be over the top and too much in handle in the process”
3. Making him jealous
Inciting jealousy by openly flirting with other guys or talking about an ex is usually intended to make you more desirable to the object of your affection, even though doing so actually has the exact opposite effect. Remember, quality men don’t really want to play games. When you find yourself tempted to bring up an ex needlessly or dart to another man with the sole intention of making your current one jealous, redirect that energy toward figuring out what caused that instinct to kick in the first place.
4. Babying him
Remember my friend who got pregnant to show her man she shares with other woman who doesn’t want to marry her that he is not impotent? I still see that dude, waking up one day and marrying some random babe, he just met who isn’t taking his bullshit. Babying a man never allows him to grow. Besides, it doesn’t allow a man to rise to the occasion of straightening his bullshit and get his life together when you see him as a project that needs to be fixed. Sure, everyone wants a partner who takes care of them, but you’re not trying to replace his mother here. While many single women of generations past may have viewed their roles as girlfriends and wives in a more functional light, men today find this dynamic oppressive, controlling and overbearing. Give him space to make his own decisions, fail and learn from his own mistakes like a man. And when those maternal instincts kick in, find ways to express them in a loving manner but don’t try to control the outcome or worry about whether or not he takes your advice, address him as an equal, say it and leave it
5. Playing hard to get
Game-playing and mixed signals are things of the past and I believe only immature and insecure men find women who do this appealing. I am not saying be a lay about or a passive woman, but don’t keep trying to push to see how far you can push the limit. There are plenty of fishes in the sea; if I were a man, I will just say next. While a slight challenge can be exhilarating for men, giving them too much guesswork will appear juvenile and silly rather than alluring and possibly have him throwing in the towel. Keep him on his toes by being unavailable sometimes, allow him the space to initiate contact sometimes, let him make plans ; maintain a busy but flexible schedule, and remember to always align your words and actions with your feelings.
6. Allow him some space when he withdraws
No matter how much a man loves a woman sometimes he is going to need space from her for a couple of days. More often than not he will not tell her that he needs space, he will just not initiate contact. When you notice this is happening, leave him alone, don’t call don’t text, don’t probe him about why he hasn’t called, just leave him alone. As long as you didn’t have a fight about anything it is normal for a man, a healthy and psychologically balanced man will retreat into his “man cave” every now and then. B said, men do this more at the beginning of a relationship or at various stages of progression. All he is doing is analyzing his feelings and establishing his sense of independence in the relationship.
So guys do you agree or disagree with my friend B. Umaru, please contribute and share your opinions in the comment box below
Categories: the urban dater