Remember the friendship that being with a Yoruba demon brought my way? the girl who reached out to me about dating a man who had been dating her and we became really good friends? Well, the friendship is still going and somehow even though she is like 5 years older than I am, she comes to me for man advice.
So she has been dating this man in his late 40s who lives abroad for like 8 months. In December, he bought her ticket to come and see him, then breaks up with her because he is not sure he is ready to commit and their life styles don’t mess.
She calls me while she is there, tells me, and I told her change your ticket and go back to Kenya jare. Of course she didn’t. She stays, they had a rough couple of days and afterwards continue like nothing happened, only the man is eating his cake and having it; without commitment.
He keeps bailing out on her, like commitment chocks him yet he won’t let the poor girl be. He keeps running in and out of her life, he runs out when it’s time to do the work of keeping a long distance relationship going, and runs back in the minute he sees that she could be moving on. I mean, are men like this devils?
This man became more loving and caring towards her after she returned from the trip and every time she would ask if he was changing his mind about the breakup, he would say no, that he preferred things as they were.
So I made her send him a text asking for no contact and space to recover so she can move with her life.
This is such a common story with indecisive men.
The cycle goes something like this; He wants you. You give in. Then he doesn’t want you. It hurts. You find the strength to walk away. He wants you again. You give in again
Then he doesn’t want you. Rinse and repeat.
A toxic and indecisive man doesn’t want you until you’re finally over him, and then he finds you irresistible. Leaving an emotionally draining situation-ship for good means you need to know how to protect yourself.
Girls ,“let wait and see how it goes” men and hot and cold men who run in and out of your lives are all but the same.
In Julia Sokol’s book, Men Who Can’t Love, she broke it down in a way that really resonated with me. “Often, all the commitment-phobic needs to alleviate his anxiety is distance. The relationship is over, so he is no longer frightened. Thus, the feelings he has for you are free to surface in this non-threatening environment. No longer panicked by the trap, he misses you. So he calls.”
I have had my fair share of this stupidity and after I finally decides to stop wasting my own time, I finally understood, what was going on with these men.
My ex Mr B still cannot find the courage to leave me alone. Every now and then he resurfaces with bullshit talks of “Imarose, I have so much to say. I’m thankful for knowing such a dynamically talented, spiritual, intelligent and beautiful woman like you and don’t think I am going to sit back and allow some dude steal you away.” — My ego ate that up like a delicious Afang soup, but I don’t care.
So what can you do to protect yourself from falling prey to this push/pull — “Pursue/Panic” pattern?
If you’ve found yourself wondering, “Why won’t he let me go if he doesn’t want me?”, here are 6 things you need to know about removing yourself from this type of situation.
1. Know that the two of you run on different wave-lengths.
You desire monogamous love, intimacy and commitment. He desires those things when you’re trying to move on. But when you come close and offer them, he feels suffocated, panics, and either bolts or sabotages the relationship. What works for you does not work for him.
2. Don’t Believe his actions; believe his words.
That sounds weird but, no matter how many times he calls, or checks in on you, if a man has voiced that he can’t give you want you want, is not ready for a commitment, or not sure what he wants, or let’s see how it goes. His actions after he says these things are never for your own good, there are always a selfish gimmick to make the situation easier for him and to prevent you from moving on, just in case he can’t find someone else. The truth is men need emotional support too. So he tells you he doesn’t want a relationship but still does what a man interested in a woman will do to confuse you. RUN!
3. Don’t make excuses for him and don’t blame yourself.
In general, all women at one point or another in life have been attracted to commitment-phobic and chronic time-wasters. This situation has the tendency to make women become over-empathetic and misplaced responsibility — think it’s your responsibility to make him see that you are the one. Never make excuses for the reason why a man doesn’t want to commit to you or give you want you want in a relationship — its never about you and there is usually nothing you can do to change the situation. Don’t fight or love them into a commitment; walk away and maintain your peace and dignity.
I am not saying it is easy to remove yourself from this situation, but if someone breaks up with you — starve them of your friendship at least for a while, until you recover and can be friends without expecting anything from him. Preferably after you have moved on!