The older I get, the more I understand what it means to say “love is not enough”. Recently Mr. C has been having stupidity remorse and trying to talk about why we didn’t work out and if there was a possibility of reconciliation. I keep telling him I am in love and happy and the man won’t leave me alone.
Apparently, Hausa men have egos bigger than the whole of Africa and feel too entitled. Anyways, I have gone past that and these days, I really just want the best for him, I want him to be happy and I want him to be OK with the fact that we will never be together!
One day, I had this crazy period pain and was on bed rest the whole weekend and was bored enough to have accepted Mr. C ‘s offer to talk about a relationship that ended since 2015. He wanted to know why I couldn’t work it out if I really loved him. It was so interesting to revisit certain things and talk about it from a very detached perspective. I swear I believe everyone should sometimes reach out to their exes and talk about why they didn’t work out, however, only do this when you are healed and have no vested interest.
Let’s face it, with the way our generation is, statistically speaking, relationships are more likely to break up than to stay together. All you need to do is scan your relationship history to find evidence of this.
The reasons relationships fail are as varied as because of the fact that we humans very different and complex. The truth is, while every ending has its own unique story, relationship breakups fall into anyone and sometimes more of these documented categories:
- Trust issues
- Communication issues
- Differences in relationship expectations
- Differences in life priorities
- Inability of one or both partners to manage their emotions
- Differences in values.
That said, there is no one indicator that can predict, with amazing accuracy why relationships end, there is no one size fits all and sometimes typical pontifications do not apply. However, here is why I think most relationships end, it has to do with how you fight.
Fight in this post has to do with arguments not throwing punches. That one you do not need to learn, if anyone punches you, pack your bags and be going…mbok.
As I was saying, this assumption is based on the fact that all relationships have conflicts. I’m usually surprised that people are not prepared for fights and conflicts in their relationships and are even more surprised when they are uncomfortable with the fight cool-off stage. Personally, I always take out time to cool down before going back to ‘normal’. Which brings me to this note
PSA – it is not okay to fight and act like nothing happened afterward. It is vicious and it is a form of emotional abuse. As a normal person, you must take the time to cool off, talk about it before moving on.
Every relationship has conflict. Which makes knowing how to have a fight the most important relationship skill you’ll ever acquire—Or…the most expensive skill you’ll choose not to learn. Relationship expert John Gottman, says he can predict whether a marriage will end in divorce with 94 percent accuracy based on how the couple fight. And engaging in this one behavior turns out to be the strongest indicator of divorce—which is a lot more expensive than learning relationship skills. So, without further delay here you go:
The number one predictor of whether your relationship is headed for a cliff boils down to whether or not either you or your partner treats the other with contempt when they drive you crazy and they deserve to be treated like that.
You know the disdain you feel when someone who should know better lets you down. It’s when you feel as though you’re better than your partner (presuming it’s you who engages in it, and for the simplicity of writing this). It’s an energy of repulsion that arises from within you during fights. Maybe that disgust causes you to scream so loudly that the neighbors can hear – or maybe it seeps from your pores as you glare silently at your partner during a conflict. It can also look more benign like eye-rolling or an unwillingness to validate your partner’s feelings or choosing to punish them just because they have hurt you.
I know, I know. We’ve all felt and done it. The difference is some of us, even though we know love shouldn’t be anything but kind, choose to express our anger in a manner that will pierce our partner’s soul and hurt them. These days we are so selfish that relationships have become a competition of who can hurt the other person the most. I know that contempt isn’t a functional emotion for relationships but it is a real emotion that we all feel when the person we love drives us crazy. It presupposes that the person experiencing it is better than the other, but how we handle this contempt in times of high intensity determines whether or not our relationships will go the distance.
It is important that we all learn to handle fights in any form of relationship especially an intimate one. What are you saying? What is your partner saying? but most of all what have you learned from the supposed fight about yourself, your partner or the situation. There is nothing more frustrating than to fight over and over about the same thing before you know it, it becomes a vicious and abusive relationship.
Speaking of which, have you noticed the increasing trend of people walking out of bad, unhealthy and abusive relationships? Well, only Jesus Christ died to redeem human beings. If you have a bad attitude fix it, if you are in “meanest son or daughter of a bit$h competition” with the devil, take your wickedness to the cross and crucify it there. Stop expecting people to put up with you in the name of love.
That’s it from me, what do you think? how have you been able to resolve conflict in your relationship? has your way of fighting cost you a good friendship/relationship in the past? Let’s talk about it
Categories: the urban dater