I THINK I HATE MY EX

What do you do when you feel resentment and/or bitterness towards your former significant other aka “The Ex”?

Wow, you’ve never felt that way? Oh Great One, please teach us thy ways!! Okay, I’m sorry for faffing about but I am actually serious and also certain I’m not the only one who has had these feelings creep up on them and you’re just there like “wait oh, but I dealt with you now”. The ironic part of this is that it mostly happens with people you know you will never date even if they come crawling back.

Please don’t leave me alone on this sharing mountain, come join me and say “aye” in the comment section if you’ve been there, done that and got a dashiki for your troubles.

So, I went on a 30 day social media break on the 1st of November and one of the things I try to do when I go on this is to be open to myself as much as possible, you can call it a self-awareness thingamajig. In the few days I’ve been on this “cleanse” I have had to dredge through my feelings and sort them out; you know, file in appropriate folders, colour-code, backdate and update the feelings database if you will. One of this mentally tasking process was sorting through my feelings as regards to my exes.

Please note, this is not a diss-an-ex post but just to talk about certain aspects of breakups/relationships/situationships we are often silent about; resentment, bitterness and teeny weeny anger.

I am someone who constantly blames herself for the end of most of my relationships, even situationships are not spared. Yes, I am that girl that mourns the loss of her relationships cum situationships maybe a teensy-weensy harder than most people, I am talking random bouts of tears, writing long epistles, sometimes sending said epistle to the person, oh and name calling, oh the many name-calling I subject myself to, my go-to one is stupid because most times sometimes I am stupid.

Situationship: That sontin you know is heading nowhere but you get carried away with the good part of it and somehow convince yourself that this good part outweighs the bad and mostly unhealthy parts.

Now, one of the downsides of blaming myself is that I never focus on the other person and the role they played in the relationship, their faults, and mistakes get all swallowed up in my “Put the blame on me” phase and trust me, Akon has nothing on me in this category.

So, I have had to go back to these relationships et situationships and critically examine each person’s role in its demise and also had to address these random resentment/anger I would get sometimes. I noticed it got worse with two of my former baby boys getting married and another one falling in love. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wish them the best in their married/ falling in love lives and would not want them back by the special grace of God but a little part of me felt betrayed. This betrayal was not because they were with someone else, it was because of those dreams and goals we both shared and how us breaking up literally meant a life changing phase for me (at least with one of them).

So like me you’re just chilling and for some odd reason, you think about them and you can feel the anger/ resentment building. You think about them, replaying certain events in your head, you remember their stance on a particular issue; you know, the one who didn’t believe in marriage, the one who didn’t care for SDA (Social Display of Affection), the one who promised to love you forever, the one you had to change your life for (maybe move to a different state, country etc.) or the one whose friends called you our wife while they had gone to “dobale” (prostrate) two weekends ago…

The resentment/anger keeps rising up like the stench that welcomes you as approach Ojota (seriously Ambode needs to do something about that smell). I’m sorry, I’m trying to use humour to deflect the anxiety I feel as I write this, I’m afraid this might trigger someone but fervently hoping it lets you know that you are not alone.

Why are you looking at me like I’m writing in Gaelic, of course you’ve been there before or at least you know someone who has, as sometimes, it is at this point that we make life changing decisions like; “I will never love another person again” or “I will use and dump people”, “never will I be this fragile”, “Please indoctrinate me into the association of Yoruba demons (AYD)” etc.

How do you deal with the bitterness or resentment that comes from seeing your former significant other “moving on” and finding “happiness” in their life relationship wise?

Well, you’ll have to subscribe and join the notification gang as I will be concluding this next week (abeg no vex now). I promise to share my own tips as well as some useful and practical tips from conversations I have had with people.

That’s it, beautiful people, you know the drill, leave your thoughts in the comment section and let’s discuss what type of “not so good” feelings we have felt towards our former significant other…

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2 thoughts on “I THINK I HATE MY EX

  1. Hmmn. I don’t know.

    One thing I can’t stand though is knowing that the person ( or persons) who is/are renting space in my head for free has probably not given me a second’s thought. Or maybe they have, but not in the same self deprecating way that I am. When I look at it that way, I’m usually motivated to stop because..no one is that special.

    And if you are being honest with yourself, if the person/people you felt betrayed by dropped everything right now and offered you a relationship..would you even want it? Answer is usually no, at least for me.

    I think it’s ok to feel your feelings for a moment but not sit in it too long. Equally important is the understanding that you only feel betrayed because they appear to have found something perfect that you havent. Of course, that’s nonsense because we only see other people’s relationships from the outside and nothing is rarely as it seems. So, acknowledge the passing feelings but don’t let it fester because that’s when the resentment really starts to grow roots & one should not be the author of one’s unhappiness.

    When the thoughts come, I ask my brain why it’s bothering me again and ask said brain to go and warn itself very well. Then I watch some Kevin Hart or Dave Chappelle or Lasisi Elenu. Works for me.

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