THE MYTH OF WAITING ON GOD

There’s an ongoing trend in Lagos, fellowships and prayer events are mostly attended by women. Single women who are all praying for different things but specifically on getting married. I’m talking intelligent, beautiful, accomplished, well-grounded women who only talk about understanding men, how to get married, finding ‘the one’, praying for their future husbands and most of all ‘waiting on God’ for a husband.

What I’ve also realized is that ‘waiting on God’ is usually where their problem lies, they keep waiting, waiting and waiting….with no action. They never step out of their comfort zones to meet new people and sometimes they are not even approachable outside these ‘fellowships’

Before I continue, let me put out a quick disclaimer, I am a Christian and I am a person of faith.

Moving on…

In Nigeria, the term ‘waiting on God’ is usually used as a way to support laziness. It promotes a passive way of living under the guise of being a person of faith. It proves that most people do not want to take responsibility for their actions so when all hell breaks loose, they find someone to blame, usually God or the devil or witches and wizards in their villages.

We are constantly waiting on God to do something, to give us a sign, to close the doors if it’s not meant to be, to bring the one into our lives, to end an abusive relationship on our behalf, to stop him/her from cheating…to do this, to do that – it seems like we have outsourced our decision making and returned the gift of free will and choice back to God. Somehow God is supposed to work for us and not through us.

Waiting on God also causes these ladies to live in search of perfection, so they spend time waiting for the perfect guy to come around without actually doing anything to ‘match’ their ‘perfect’ man. Also, because God is perfect and only gives perfect gifts, they accept any guy that comes around with the appearance of godliness when in reality these are the only type of men, they have exposed themselves to.

How many times have you met ladies who do not go out, they do not mingle, they do not improve themselves in any way, their lives look like a complete bore, they do not interact with non-believers and they are all expecting that their future spouse would show up with little or no effort from them? I’m sure you can think of someone…maybe you are that someone 🙂

Dating is work…, hard work. Therefore in other to succeed at it, you must be ready to do something about it, about you. God requires us to trust Him with the things we cannot control…but He also asks us to take action in the things that we can.

Nobody is asking you to stand on Sanusi fafunwa or Allen avenue

Instead what I am saying is, in addition to praying, attending fellowships and joining all social media prayer challenges, do something about your dating life, step out of your comfort zone for a minute. Go for a mixer, go to a karaoke bar, hang out with people other than the ‘24 ways to detect your husband’ seminar, travel, go on dates, try out online dating, work on yourself, take your focus off this husband hunt, enjoy your life as a single woman and maybe just maybe your spouse will find you or you might find your spouse while living your best life.

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ARE YOU DRAMA-FREE?

Ever asked someone what they were looking for in a partner and get ‘drama-free’ as one of the traits? Even a lot of online profiles and dating apps (cue in tinder) tend to have things like “no hookup and no drama please” in their bios, which usually makes me wonder what exactly it means to be drama free and do people really go about with drama posted on their heads (of course not).

I know that some people live lives full of drama, it’s either they cause it or they attract it. It’s the kind that comes from crazy exes, demanding baby daddies/mummies, bad debt, crazy colleagues or dysfunctional families. It’s perfectly okay to not want to have any of that stress added to your life from someone you are dating. I mean I wouldn’t want it either, then again drama in itself is relative, what maybe drama for me, may mean absolutely nothing to you.

For example, I once heard a young man say he had lost interest in someone he was talking to because she always seemed to have drama. When pushed further, he explained that she came to him to talk about her issues at home, with friends, and at work and it seemed to him that she was always fighting but never having a lasting solution to anything. Because of that, he decided it was best to keep his distance and avoid being caught up in the mix.

We all have difficulties, however, it’s not the difficulties that cause the drama, but how we deal with them.  Some people have little or no control over their emotions and this unknowingly could be affecting your relationships.

Now, in the lady’s defense, it is perfectly normal to want to share your concerns with someone you are dating, it means you have gotten to that comfort level where you are free to lament about what goes on in your life and trust that the other person is listening. However, most men are wired to want to fix things, especially if it’s someone they care about. So your innocent rants may come across as drama signals that he must fix, even if you didn’t ask him to.

Be honest with yourself — would someone looking in think you had a lot of drama? do you give off the impression of having drama because of how often you talk about the difficulties in your life? If yes, how can you reduce the said drama or how can you reduce how often you talk about it? It’s important to be conscious of what you share as you don’t want to overwhelm people around you.

Personally, I don’t think I have that ‘much’ drama, however, I have learned to gradually ease whomever I am dating into the happenings of my life. It is important to know when to bring up certain topics in your new-found relationship least you come across as a drama queen/king.

So what’s your definition of drama? How much of it do you have in your life? What qualifies as too much drama? How do you communicate the drama that you may have in your life when dating?

DECODING THE DATE NIGHT SCHEDULE

Is there a difference if your date falls on a weekday or a weekend? Should you be worried? I don’t think so but from research, here’s what the night of the week says about your date.

Monday Night:
Monday night is the direct opposite of “date night”: people are usually back at work, and back to their weeknight routines, maybe going to the gym or dodging the dreadful third mainland bridge traffic. Really, there is nothing ghen ghen about a Monday night…and that may be good for you. If someone schedules a date with you on a Monday it means they are eager to see you and they don’t want to wait for a more socially acceptable night of the week. If the date turns out great, then you might have a repeat on another date of the week.

Tuesday Night:
A Tuesday Night date can mean uncertainty: sure, they’ll grab a drink or see a movie with you but most times, they’re using you to wait out traffic. If things go well, it may turn into a late night. But really, for Tuesdays, the expectations are not high.

Wednesday Night:
By Wednesday night, most people have recovered from the weekend and are looking for a nice break in the stressful week. The beauty of Wednesday is that there is not much pressure because there is still work on Thursday so you don’t really have to worry how late into the night the date would be.

Thursday Night:
Thursday nights are decent: it’s almost the weekend, and people usually feel freer to stay out late on a Thursday than they do earlier in the week. Most times, a date is scheduled on a Thursday because the weekend might be booked or you both are going for an event scheduled for that day.

Friday Night:
This is the second best date night of the week. Everyone wants to do something on a Friday night and if they like you, you’re probably part of their plans for the night. The lack of work the next day obviously means a greater chance of staying out really late and throwing all caution to the wind. Also, Friday nights dates more often than not start out really late because people might want to stop at home, but not for long, freshen up and get ready to hit the streets. For ladies, Fridays means the freakum dress is out to play

Saturday Night:
This is GOLD in the date night schedule: the one day a week where you don’t have to work all day. Because Saturdays are so important, people often loathe the idea of wasting the whole day on someone they are not sure of. If someone makes plans with you for a Saturday night, they’re pretty sure that they’ll have as good a time hanging out with you. Ladies especially will take advantage of the extra time on Saturday to really get ready for the date, and dress up/face beat far more than they would on a weeknight.

Sunday Night:
Never accept a Sunday Night date. It’s the worst night of the week to go on a date. It’s often an afterthought too because you’ve spent the weekend with other important people but either you or the other party is trying to fulfill all righteousness. Chances are you won’t stay out late,  because you’re thinking of the work week ahead, you won’t drink too much cause you’re recovering from the weekend or you’re not trying to start the new week hungover and won’t spend too much cause you’re probably thinking of how much you spent on Friday and Saturday nights. Keep your Sundays for resting….unless of course there is a public holiday the next day, then really it’s not a ‘Sunday’

Disclaimer: These things are not set in stone and I am not trying to start a dating-days-rule-book/debate here, but think about it though, do you agree? Have you ever put the day of the week into consideration when picking a date or maybe it doesn’t matter to you if you have a date on a Sunday?

WHY SINGLE MEN DO NOT DATE WOMEN IN THEIR CHURCH

Every once in a while I meet young ladies who are upset when eligible young men in their respective churches bring girls from ‘outside’ to marry. I mean it’s pretty obvious, this guy most times is the perfect catch, good-looking, has a good job and loves the Lord so obviously every young lady in church searching for a ‘man of God’ would put their best foot forward hoping that he would notice them and maybe marry them.

Considering the fact that most women in Lagos today, pick churches based on the availability of single men, I can see how this is frustrating. I mean you find that perfect church to get that perfect man, only for the perfect man to be presented to the church on a Sunday morning getting married to some other woman who has never been seen within 5 miles of the church premises before.

The betrayal, the heartache and the reality that most single men in church do not want to date women who attend the same church with them and here are some reasons why

THEIR REPUTATION. Going after women in the church is often a no-win situation. If it doesn’t work out, news would spread fast in church and if they happen to date more than one girl in the church, next thing everyone would tag them as the serial dater and unserious.

FEWER OPTIONS. Women have one unspoken rule between each other, and guys are well aware of it. If they date one girl in church, they are automatically eliminating 10 other girls because these girls are all friends with his church ‘ex’, so before they go after anyone in church they need to be absolutely sure that it is indeed their final bus stop.

THE PRESSURE. The moment, everyone knows that you both are dating, there becomes so much pressure for you to get married. It’s in the subliminal messages from elders of the church, department heads and maybe the pastor of the church, after all, we are all fighting the temptation of fornication and there’s only so long for you both to date before premarital sex creeps in.

THE AWKWARDNESS. It gets pretty awkward when you date someone in your church. Most church girls are known to be very territorial so you have to worry about if you are allowed to talk to other women in church. And some cases, you begin to wonder things like are you meant to sit next to each other? Must you come to church together, e.t.c.

IT JUST FEELS WRONG. How do you flirt with a young lady in church after you just spent hours worshiping God and listening to a powerful message? You’re not quite sure what is appropriate when it comes to asking her out either. Some ladies are so fixated on painting the good Christian girl picture that they ask you to go see the pastor before taking them out on a first date

There you have it, the top 5 reasons why the eligible young men in your church will probably not date you. Again it’s not you, it’s them and maybe this time you’ll pick a church based on your spiritual uplifting, not the type of ‘correct guys’ present.

Have you dated someone from your church before? How did it turn out? As a guy would you date someone who attends your church? Ladies can you relate to this post or do you only date guys outside your church?

Use the comment box below and let us know what you think

Love

Mz Gidi

IT GOES DOWN IN THE DM

Let’s be honest, we are all oohing and aahing at the story of Banky W and Adesua Etomi. You just can’t hate no matter how much you try. So many people are meeting their potential partners via social media these days, there’s been some good and some bad but we are here for the good only.

As a guy, you’re probably thinking, how exactly does this Direct Messaging (DM) thing work? What’s with all this DM talk anyway? Look we understand but with the number of hours spent on social media these days, you might as well master the art of tastefully sliding into your crushes’ DM

Here’s what you need to know about sliding into that DM

  1. Recognize the numbers
    Everyone has something to say about Banky sending Adesua a DM and that she responded but let’s be real here, IT IS BANKY W we are talking about, who born you well to not respond to such calibre of DM, heck if Don Jazzy sends me a DM today, I will respond before he clicks the send button (okay I will form small) but you get what I mean.
    If you are not a ‘Banky W’ and you are trying to get an ‘Adesua Etomi’, please eh save yourself the embarrassment and just let it be. She won’t be checking that DM because you probably aren’t the only one sending her one. There aren’t enough hours in the day to check every single unsolicited message. And there’s no real way for you to separate yourself unless you’re famous or have mutual friend(s), so just stick to admiring her pics from afar and move on, until maybe you get to meet her in person.
  2. Do your research
    Yes, it’s important to do a little ‘research’ on the person you’re about to message. No, I’m not telling you to go 52 weeks into her Instagram, liking every dang picture and commenting on at least 15 that’s stalking (there’s a difference). Read her bio and a few of her recent status updates so you can get a feel for what to say to her. Most women have the things they are proud of in their bio and on statuses, so start a conversation with a compliment, it always works. If it were me, congratulate me on my little girl or on producing the Still Single in Gidi play. (Don Jazzy are you seeing this?)
    I need to add that if you notice that she is in a relationship or she is engaged or married, stop right there and go back to admiring from afar.
  3. Reference a recent interest
    If you notice a theme running through your crush’s account, make note of it and add it to your initial message to her. Try not to fake it, pick something you might be genuinely interested in to avoid being embarrassed when you have no clue what she may be talking about.
  4. Go straight to the point
    This is the best approach. You’re interested and you’d like to meet up? No problem. No need writing a dissertation about it. Avoid saying ‘sup?’ too unless of course, she is a ‘sup’ kind of girl (then I am not judging you). A DM slide is kind of like a cover letter. After some small talk, if you want her number, ask or better still offer your number. If you want to casually hang out, ask. If you want to take her on a date, ask. The worst she can say is NO. And please proofread, autocorrect knows how to spoil show for somebody. 
  5. Write in clear and simple English
    She’s not one of your buddies who has over time accepted your “xup”, “wyd” “am kul” or whatever shorthand or “text-speak” as part of their cross to bear. Try to write in clear and precise English, don’t abbreviate. Try to impress her by showing that you truly know the difference between am and I’m as well as your and you’re. Like I mentioned earlier, it is not a white paper, nor is it time to show how vast your vocabulary is, trust me when I say less is more\
  6. Suggest a meetup
    Preferably public. Something you know that might interest her, in her comfort zone, if she’s into the arts, there’s the Heartbeat musical in a few days, here’s your chance to offer her a ticket and dinner at the Terra Kulture restaurant after. Do not invite her to your house or neighbourhood beer parlour. Just Don’t!
  7. Know when to retreat
    One of the most important things you need to know about sliding into a DM is realising when to retreat. If she hasn’t replied to your “hi” or well-constructed and tactical messages after a while, my brother please move on. Don’t succumb to those “perspire to aspire to respire” mantra and become a nuisance inside the DM, it’s not cute and doesn’t show that you’re determined, sometimes silence is the answer. Move on to the next one and prosper.

But if she does respond and she accepts your offer to a hangout (notice I did not call it a date), then my friend, you have understood and used the art of sliding into that DM, tastefully. Hopefully, you know what to do next, if not register here

If you’re a pro at DM sliding or you are a receiver of multiple unsolicited DMs, comment below on what you think has worked for you as a sender or sendee.

Love,

Miss Gidi 


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LOST RINGS

Hey Ms Gidi, Do you remember me? My name is Ada, we went to Secondary school together

A young lady said to me as I stared at her contemplating what next to say, it’s not that I did not remember her, I remembered her very well and I also remember that she got engaged. She had a public proposal that broke the internet because the guy she was engaged to was one of the rich kids of Africa. I couldn’t help but think ‘what happened?’, they looked so happy together, she even cried when he proposed so what could have gone wrong?

Recently I have noticed the high level of broken engagements and even marriages in our society. One minute you see pictures of a woman gushing over her ring and her bae while the next it’s all over, a silent transition and the obvious lost ring. Sometimes there are stories attached to it, ah she was a gold digger or he was abusive or someone cheated, there is always something that comes with the explanation as to why the ring is no more.

In the past, I would raise an eyebrow, I would want to ask questions but I have learned that there are no real answers, there is no proper explanation instead there are regrets, testimonies and the response ‘it didn’t work out’.

Our society puts so much pressure on us to get married that we subconsciously plan our lives hoping we would find the one that could save us from the disease of singlehood so we often miss the red flags that are right in front of us with flashing lights; or hope that the flashing lights would soon come off and the flags would turn white.

Then we get the ring, we feel like we won, we have won this battle in the jungle of dating only to realise that all that glitters is not gold and even the diamond as sparkling as it could be, is now a constant reminder that you have been tied down to a life you never signed for. The band becomes a key, unlocking doors that were once tightly shut behind bookshelves, revealing rooms with layers of surprises and maybe a rotten corpse.

Society teaches us to stay in such rooms, they say some of our mothers have stayed so even though they became walking corpses, it was a thing of pride that they endured the stench. Sometimes we play religion if you have married him then you must stay.Yes, a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage but a broken marriage is better than a broken spirit.  

These days I see more young women taking charge of their lives. Maybe the media is at fault for this boldness or maybe it’s just women saying enough is enough; no more will we stay locked up in this box of pleasing society for the ring. Maybe they are just tired and are demanding for change.

Whatever the case I pray every person out there male or female finds the happiness they deserve. And as for the ladies with the lost rings, remember you are not alone, someday you will find the ring that celebrates a love more beautiful and real.

Love,

Ms Gidi

5 TIPS ON HAVING A SINGLE LAGOS CHRISTMAS

Single Bells,
Single Bells
Single all the way

Yup! it is that time of the year again, the time of harmattan, deadly Lagos traffic, events on events and of course weddings…it’s December in Lagos my people!

This December feels a little bit different for those of us already living in Lagos, maybe it’s the lack of harmattan or the realisation that we can’t splurge as much as we used to in previous years. Everybody’s eye is just red because mehn money is scarce and we are all in search for greener days. The people who are winning this December though, are the IJGBs, in short they are the kings. Small £100 should be able to shut down a club in Lagos at this rate and us normal Lagosians (because some of you don’t know what scarce resources means) cannot be forming flex mode when our diasporan friends are in town. As a matter of fact, I am considering renting a room in my house this season, B&B style, so I could earn some foreign exchange

I know you are thinking it too… LOL

Anyway as every other December in Lagos, there is the time between The Experience and the migration of the Igbos to their various states. This time is usually packed with so much activity (and traffic) that we don’t know how we are going to survive or you are unsure what to do really. Well not to worry, SIG is here with tips on how to survive Lagos this season, especially if you are single and over 30

#1. Respect your age
Not every event is for you. With the number of teenagers roaming the streets this season, please respect your age and look for mature events to go for, queuing outside a club is an example of what NOT to do this season.

#2. Don’t wedding hop
Everyone is doing it….small small girls do it more, desperate girls do it even more…Don’t do it. No matter how tempting it is to go for a wedding where you don’t know the couple and you heard everyone at the wedding is a returnee from America or the UK…Don’t do it.

#3. Not every returnee is a potential
 With the way the exchange rate is acting, most returnees are on a spending spree so don’t be deceived…give yourself brain, that’s all I will say

#4. Speak Nigerian
What I mean is, be yourself biko, all that forming britico and american when you know you’ve never stepped out of Lagos before is not going to werk. It’s actually a breath of fresh air these days meeting people who aren’t trying to force a foreign accent.

#5. Stay Safe
On a serious note, please make sure your security is your utmost priority this season. We don’t pray for bad things to happen to us or anyone else but it’s important that you have people around you and as much as possible avoid solo trips.

So that’s it, our 5 tips on having a Single Christmas in Lagos.

Do have a Merry Christmas, have fun and stay safe.

DEALING WITH THE EX’S FAMILY

You’ve broken up with your ex for reasons best known to you, made the decision to cut him/her off and move on with life but you find it hard breaking up with his/her family because somehow you get along better with them than you do with your ex. Unfortunately, being friends with them constantly reminds you of the ex and how hurt you were in the relationship; the family did you no wrong personally, actually they’ve been the sweetest people to you, you just happened to date the ass in the family. Now the question is

What do you do with the family of your ex? 

when-your-ex-pop-up-at-dinner-because-your-family-still-like-them

This question I have asked and have been asked a couple of times, because sometimes you want to cut off from the ex but you can’t bring yourself to cut off from his/her family or maybe a particular person in the family. And each time I ask this question, I always get one of the following responses/questions:

  • How did you meet them? – Basically did you meet the family of the ex through your ex or did you meet your ex through a family member of the ex? So is his sister one of your best friends? Or is his brother your gym partner? The point is how you met them ‘supposedly’ affects your decision on if you should remain friends or not. Consensus says, if you met the family through your ex, then you should cool off from the friendship but if you met your ex through his/her family then maybe it would be slightly difficult to cool off.. (right?).. It is usually harder to make that decision if you date and break up with your close friend’s sibling….(which I personally do not agree to..but hey that’s just me)
  • Do they talk about the ex with you? – Granted maybe they do not talk about your ex but you know somehow that topic would come out one way or the other. And how do you handle the topic when faced by it? Are you quickly reminded about the relationship that was or do you brush it off? (so many questions to answer)
  • What do you stand to gain by being friends with them? – Now this is the ‘trick’ question and it is usually followed by ‘If it wasn’t for your ex, would you consider even being friends with them?’ …Let’s face it, if his/her family has good contacts that you would need now or in future, I don’t think cutting them off would be an option…maybe not immediately.

Notice I have not answered any of the questions because I don’t think there is an answer to any of them. It’s different for everyone and it really depends on how you ‘feel’. I liken being friends with the ex’s family to being friends with the ex, it’s something that can be done but only when you are ready for it.

There’s no point trying to stay friends with his/her siblings and/or parents when each time you speak to them, you find it hard not mentioning the relationship you had and possibly the pain you may have felt or may still be feeling. I mean what’s the point having unnecessary heartaches and pangs of jealousy or anger when you could be left alone to move on in peace.
My verdict is, there’s no need holding on to the friendship until you have moved on, like when you hear his/her name and your heart doesn’t skip a beat. It’s best to let your heart heal and not re-open the wounds.

DATING AN ABUSIVE WOMAN – TUNDE

Dear Mz Gidi,

The name is Tunde and no I am not a yoruba demon. I don’t usually comment on the blog but I wanted to share my experience with everyone of dating an abusive woman.

A lot of times when people talk about abuse in a relationship, it is always the man that is the abuser and the woman that is the victim. I am not denying that some men are abusers but we need to realise that some women are worse than the men that they portray abused them.

I have never hit a woman in my life but once I considered it because I was pushed to the limit by the woman I was with at the time. The truth is, she was abusive, she was an emotional bully and also verbally abusive. When I was with her, I lost all self-esteem and confidence in myself because with her nothing was ever good enough.

It wasn’t as bad when we first started out then again I think it is because I thought I loved her so I overlooked some of her behaviour and thought I could ‘tame’ her craziness…that was a great mistake.

She would criticise anything anybody does that is different than how she would have done it. She wanted to control me and often times resorted  to emotional intimidation to do it. She used verbal assaults and threats in order to get me to do what she wanted. It made her feel powerful and in the end I would feel bad.

No matter how hard I tried and how much I gave, it was never enough. She wanted more! One time I went out of my way to buy her a bag that cost me almost 100k and she didn’t accept it. She always expected me to drop whatever I was doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she must come first. She had an endless list of demands and there was no way I could fulfil all of them.

She was very good at name calling. One minute I was a pushover, the next minute I was spineless, sometimes I was not man enough. One incident I would never forget was when she told me ‘My friends from the past would be surprised that I am even dating a man like you’

We were always arguing, I used to celebrate 2 weeks of peace with her because every second was a potential havoc. These arguments were not small o, often heated and would end up with her throwing things. I am yet to replace my TV that she cracked from the argument that made us break up.

After a year of being with her, and making excuses I had to let her go. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was drained, I was messed up and I was scared of her.

Most men don’t want to admit that they’re in an abusive relationship. They describe the relationship and their girlfriend using other terms like crazy, emotional, controlling, bossy, domineering, constant conflict, or volatile. So my advice to any man out there, if you use words like this to describe your relationship, then most likely you are with an abusive woman and it is time for you to run.


Whoa! This is deep but I am glad someone opened up about this. If you are a guy and have been in an abusive relationship then please share your thoughts? 

Use the comment box below and let’s discuss.

If you want to reach out to me or share your own story on the blog, you can send an email to singleingidi@gmail.com or follow SingleinGidi on Facebook, twitter and instagram 

HOW DO I ASK FOR HIS GENOTYPE?

Dear Mz Gidi, 

I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for about three months. I swear it feels like this is it, we get along so well and I actually see a future with him. The only problem is that the topic of our genotype has never come up and I am sort of nervous about asking him for his.

See for a long time I always thought I was AA until my last relationship when my ex decided we do a test because he was AS and he needed to be sure I was AA. I ended up being AS much to my surprise and that’s how that relationship ended.

Now with this guy, I don’t know. I want to ask him so I don’t get hurt but I find it forward and uncomfortable when the asked such questions, I’m afraid I may scare him away. 

So please how do I ask him for his genotype without scaring him away? 

Regards

Steph


Since I am all up for speaking from experience, I’d like someone who has experience in this to help Steph out …what do you think Steph should do in this situation? Should she ask upfront? or is there a tactical way of asking ?

Use the comment box below and let’s discuss.

If you want to reach out to me or share your own story on the blog, you can send an email to singleingidi@gmail.com or follow SingleinGidi on Facebook, twitter and instagram