I MADE A MISTAKE

The internet has been buzzing with the news of Tiwa Savage and her husband, Teebillz. When I first read his story, I thought to myself ‘oh gosh not another celebrity marriage falling apart’, because not long ago we were all talking about Toke and Maje; everyone had their opinion on what happened and what should have been done.

Then Tiwa said her side and even though I am one of the people who feels she shouldn’t have spoken so soon because Teebillz could drag her further in public and damage her reputation some more, I couldn’t help but feel for her and her emotional struggle, especially when she said

I made a mistake

Often times we make mistakes in the people we choose to be with but are too ashamed to say so or take the blame for making that decision. Women have the final say as to who they decide to spend the rest of their lives with but the pressure of biological clock and ‘getting married’ forces us to believe that we should settle for the next best thing and hope for the best.

While having a conversation with a friend, the topic of walking away from a dead/bad relationship came up. My friend believes that the moment you see a sign that you don’t like, you have to bail while I was of the opinion that you watch out for the signs in the relationship, talk about it, observe the other party’s response before deciding to walk away.

The problem is most times when we see the warning signs, we choose to stay in the name of making things work out because nobody is perfect and when it blows up in our faces we are too ashamed to say the words ‘I made a mistake’; so we throw faults and blames; that everyone else is wrong and we were only the victims of our own decisions.

I once met a lady, we’ll call her Zainab, who walked out of her marriage because she knew even though she had known her ex-husband for over five years, she had no business getting married to him. She said she knew six months beforehand that she would leave her husband, but kept praying for a lightning bolt of recognition that it would work out in the end. Not because she truly loved him, but because she couldn’t stomach the shame. She wanted it to work, she was hoping things would change even after two kids but she had to let it go.

Despite everything that was said and whatever the media has to say about Tiwa, one thing I can respect her for is simply admitting  that she made a mistake in marrying the man she chose to marry 3 years ago because it shows that she is woman who is ready to take on the world, count her losses and move on with her life.

If there’s one thing everybody (either male or female) can learn from the Tiwa and TeeBillz drama, it’s knowing when to say ‘I made a mistake and I am done’.

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TEAM FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Incase you didn’t know, Linda Ikeji is looking to buy her Nigerian husband (buy naija to grow the naira I guess) and Beyonce released #Lemonade filled with speculations of her husband’s side-chick Becky with the good hair, but if a man will cheat on Beyonce though, we women have to know that it is not by fine or trying too hard, na God go help us!

Also, over the weekend, this tweet by Funmi Iyanda

As an anti-feminist woman, I mostly disagree with Funmi Iyanda’s ideologies on these issues, but this one got me thinking. It doesn’t matter how many degrees you have or what you are doing as a woman for the benefit of humanity, if you don’t have a man, you are useless, according to our society. So we spend our lives looking for ways to find and keep a man, that’ll make us useful to society. 

Men on the other hand get a free pass to jump from woman to woman, in the name of sowing their wild oats but women have to hide for the fear of shaming or being labelled a “hoe”.

So over the weekend, while my friend cooked a bad ass meal in her kitchen, the whole topic of ‘getting it outta your system’ before commitment and marriage came up and it was sure an interesting conversation. 

I was telling my friends that this good girl life seems to be working against me, because let’s be honest, other than the bible saying to refrain from sex until marriage to protect the heart, are there any other benefits for low body count and virginity?

As for men, marriage automatically  wipes away their body count but why not for women? My friends were of the opinion that sometimes, it is necessary for women to get it out of their systems too, so that curiosity doesn’t drive them to “what ifs or sex with the ex or temptation with the wrong man”.

In their opinion, every woman needs to have dated at most one bad guy that was not good enough to be married to but was perfect for the sack so that why you can do all your adventure and acrobatic and know there’s more to commitment than good sex. In summary, every good girl has to go bad at least once in her lifetime.

While we laughed and they shared their stories, I took down some key points which I am kind enough to share with you today. But I should say this in advance, if you are one of those type of women that fall in love easily especially after you get good ‘D’ maybe this post is not for you…my hand no dey there. 

Back to the notes:

  1. He should not tick all the right boxes
    One of the major things that makes FWB difficult for women is when people start getting caught in their feelings, and women, we are guilty of this bad behaviour.  The best way to avoid falling in love is to avoid doing any bonding activities or planning for the future e.t.c and don’t try to delude yourself into thinking that this could blossom into a meaningful relationship like it did for Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher in “No Strings Attached”. Because nine times out of ten, it won’t. The best way to starve off potential commitment cravings is to make sure this “friend” is someone you’d never consider dating on a very good day, but he at least has good teeth if that is important to you. The key to this is physical attraction dazz all…
  2. He should not be #TeamHusbandMaterial:
    In other words, avoid your ideal man or the kind of man who will flaunt the idea of looking for a serious relationship or marriage in your face, that kind is dangerous and has the ability knowingly or unknowingly making you mess up and leave your heart on his bed. What you need is someone who is not your ideal husband so you both know the reason you are’hanging out’. You probably think this point is like #1 above but it isn’t, you can find a guy will all the right features but you know you cannot be with him forever so he is definitely not on your list of #TeamHusbandMaterial
  3. He should be respectful: The unspoken rule of FWB situation is that he is not supposed to perform boyfriend duties like texting daily, remembering birthdays or being a plus one to your cousin’s birthday but feel free to take him to that wedding that your haters will be there as a bae sef and show him off to the office crowd you care to impress. However, he still has to respect you and your space, he can’t be acting like an idiot, cancelling booty call plans last-minute or sending you romantic text messages.
  4. He must be good:
    I mean why else is he in consideration, he should be able to make you scream, turn your upside down, make your toes curl and whatever it is you want. If you are going to sin  and live in active fornication then let the sin be worth it.
  5. You must have a time frame:
    Shebi you still want to get married eventually and you know this one is not the one for you? Ehen, so you put a time frame on it and end it before he starts thinking of a future; change your numbers if you have to. You have to be logical in this sexationship.
  6. He should not be your ex:
    I can already hear the “buts”. Girls there are no buts, your FWB should never be an ex and that’s all that there is to it. I don’t care how he is the only person in all the planets God created that can take you to special places in your mind. You have too much history to reintroduce sex without it creeping back all those feelings that will awaken old emotions. Exes are not an option. Period.
  7. Remember you are still SINGLE
    Like Mary Jane in Being Mary Jane, don’t go and exclude yourself from the dating scene. You are not in a relationship, he is not your potential husband, you cannot change him, all you care about is the fact that he is sexually clean. Shikena

And that’s it, maybe it’s the idea of turning 30 that is worrying me, but I won’t lie and say I am not considering it. I am scare sha, my mind is conflicted and I am the sort of person that will stop going to church if I end up in this kind of thing and will probably dash the guy my heart sef before the 2nd week *sigh* 

So what do you guys think though? Are you a sexationship supporter or are you like me on the #teamwaitformarriage? What are your thoughts and what other pointers do you have to give?

ImaRose

HIS MARRIED EX WON’T LET HIM GO

Dear Mz Gidi, 

My boyfriend of 6 months keeps talking to his ex and I am uncomfortable with it.

At first he told me they were just good friends and I tried to understand after all I still have a few exes that I occasionally say hello to. When she got married three months ago, we both wished her well and even attended the reception of her wedding, I found it odd attending her wedding but I chose to because he wanted to go and he said he wanted to introduce me to her. 

Now six months into our relationship and three months into her marriage she keeps sending my boyfriend messages on how much she misses him and wishes she waited for him instead of rushing into marriage; just last week, she sent him pictures of her breasts asking if he missed them.

I’ve confronted my boyfriend about this recent development and he keeps saying it is nothing but he isn’t telling her off or anything. What do you advice I do because I swear I am losing my mind. 

Liz


 

Hmm tough one here, I have my opinion but I’ll leave this open to everyone…what do you think Liz should do in this situation?

Use the comment box below and let’s discuss.

If you want to reach out to me or share your own story on the blog, you can send an email to singleingidi@gmail.com or follow SingleinGidi on Facebook, twitter and instagram 

10 YEARS AND OVER PLEASE

Most ladies who choose to date older men are usually tagged gold diggers. Once I met a lady who clarified that she was not dating older men because she was a  “gold digger”, it was more important to her to pull her own weight and be financially stable but most guys her age were just not her thing and she preferred older men.

Of course there are the occasional gold diggers and most older men come with a bit or a lot of financial comfort but you have to be honest sha, what’s the point dating an older man if he is broke, I mean what else did he do with his younger years?

For the purpose of this post, older men do not include married men o (that’s a whole new kettle of fish)

Anyway out of my curiosity, I decided to ask a few women who only date men that are 10 years and over why they preferred the age gap and here are some of the reasons given:

MATURE
Well that’s stating the obvious but older men are generally more mature. I won’t say this is the fact for all cases because I have seen some 40 year olds in Lagos still trying to live the bom-boy life. Truth is, most older men are looking to have a quiet time over an intelligent conversation.

EXPERIENCED
Whether it’s in their career, knowledge acquired overtime or relationships, most older men know what they’re doing and know what they want. An older man is confident and can teach you a thing or two with his advice.

FINANCIALLY SECURE
They may be older, but they’ve learned a lesson or two about making money, saving money and balancing accounts. They would have taken out time to build their future and would be able to guide you on how to ensure a better financial future.

DONE PAYING GAMES
Older men are usually ready to commit and settle down. I mean after you have made all that money, you need a woman to help you spend them and give you heirs and heiresses to the dynasty.

BETTER COMMUNICATORS
They know that communication and compromise are important if you’re going to succeed as a couple, so they won’t do stupid things or prove to be stubborn like most younger men do. 

ROMANTIC
Believe it or not, most older men are romantic and are always trying to keep you happy. Then again, can you blame them? After a few years of failed relationships, they’re trying to make sure that this one works out.

ADVENTUROUS
He is ‘older’ which means a lot of the things you do or slang you use are new to him. He’s willing to try new things just to make you happy and to make him feel younger again.

WON’T HAVE TO PAY
When a younger woman dates an older man, most people assume she’s only interested in his money and maybe they are right for some but if you want to receive fancy jewellery and never pay for a date, then an older man with a good job is exactly what you need.

CHALLENGE
If you’re pretty and adventurous, it’s not hard to date a man your own age, however if you want to date an older man, you have to prove that you are mature and good enough to be by his side.

ATTRACTIVE
Everyone’s taste is different so some women are just attracted to the older look, like have you seen RMD lately?

There you have it, 10 reasons why some younger ladies prefer dating older men.

So ladies do you agree or disagree? What do you think are the benefits of dating older men?

LOST IDENTITY

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As a single person either male or female in Nigeria, it’s easy to get sucked into the pressure of marriage or just being with someone (anyone) that you do not focus on yourself and building your experiences as ‘one person’ before you become one with another. The only amount of time we use on ourselves before marriage is doing things that ‘prepare’ us for marriage and not exactly living and maximizing our single years. Our expectations to find love early and settle down has stopped us from seeing the possibilities of enjoying life and being the best version of ourselves.

Recently, I had the opportunity of hanging out with an interesting group of women. Interesting because the group varied from the absolutely single, the single but actively dating, the ‘in a serious relationship’ single, the engaged and the married; as most female gatherings, there was the session on talking about men and relationship dynamics that seem to affect the everyday woman more than the man. One of the topics that came up was the topic of knowing who you are as a person and having the best single years you could ever live before you get married.

Nigeria has a way of teaching our women that we must succumb to what society or the relationship tells us to be in order to keep a man or get a man. Even churches teach that you are a nobody until you are with someone, but that’s by the way, no need glorifying the ignorance of our society.

What bothers me though, is the fact that a lot of our women have lost their identity either in a relationship or marriage that they become shadows of who they were before they met the man. Some of our mothers were victims of this, which is why we grow up feeling guilty of leaving them behind and they feel empty when all the kids grow up and no longer have their time.

Nowadays though, the desperation to be hitched has led many women (and maybe some men) to believe that they have to become someone else to please their partner and when the relationship doesn’t work out, they go about searching for validation, struggling with their true identity until they meet someone new and then go into the cycle of losing themselves all over again.

I once knew a lady called Kevwe who exemplified a woman with a lost identity. When I first met Kevwe, one of the things I noticed was her love for weaves, makeup and for men. Not saying she was a girl around town, but she had way too many stories to tell of different guys, most in church and her contention with other women over these men. One time, she reported to the Pastor of the church that some guy was being too cozy with another young lady, only because she was jealous that the attention was not too her. But that’s not the main gist

When Kevwe moved back to Nigeria, she soon adjusted into the Lagos crowd. The British accents, the 30 inch weaves and everything else that meant she would be one of the ‘it’ girls around town. Then she met Emeka, a church going boy who preferred makeup free faces, natural hair and gospel music; so Kevwe became exactly what he wanted and even went the extra mile to be more active in the church.

Sadly, none of that was able to keep Emeka because he felt something was missing and that he didn’t truly know who Kevwe was and can you really blame him? Kevwe had become someone else, she liked only what he liked, she listened to only what he listened to, she basically became a shadow of Emeka. When they broke up, Kevwe went back to her weaves and makeup because deep down she knew she only did that to keep a man.

Shortly after their breakup, Emeka met Onome and in 4 months they were engaged. According to Emeka, he saw everything he wanted in Onome and more, a woman with her own vision and identity, she introduced him to a different world, he knew what she liked and disliked and to make matters worse, Onome was a weave rocking makeup lover which meant everything Kevwe changed for was in vain.

What I am trying to say is that Kevwe didn’t have to change for Emeka and no woman has to change for any man in order to keep him. Don’t be in a hurry to change because marriage will change you and the last thing you need is to feel lost after you’ve finally gained the Mrs title. He is meant to love you just the way you are, with all your assets and liabilities. You are meant to bring fun and variety into his life, not become a clone of who he is. You are meant to be whole and standout with or without him and there is no way you will be that ‘power couple’ if you do not have an identity of your own.

So Ladies, despite what our society or the movies tells us, before you find romance take a moment to love yourself and find yourself.

Love,

Mz Gidi

HOW TO BE AVAILABLE AND NOT DESPERATE

Hello Mz Gidi,

After reading your last post, I have to ask you how a sister can date and not look desperate because I won’t lie I am ready to settle down but I am afraid that I may be giving off the desperado vibes.

As someone who has left the dating world, what do you suggest is the best way to be available but not desperate?

Love, 

Miss Almost Desperate


Hey Miss Almost Desperate,

I don’t know why I find this message funny but I will try my best to give you an objective response.

1. Don’t Lie : Not necessarily the big lies like you father is the president (unless he really is) but the little lies we tell in order to make ourselves more attractive to the other person. For example saying you love football when you don’t, pretending to be the chef of the family when you don’t know what a pot looks like, the kind of music you listen to or even your spiritual beliefs and convictions.You want him/her to like you for who you are, not the made up you

2. Stop being a stalker: Maybe I should say, stop being an ‘obvious’ stalker because with social media these days, everybody has a little stalker tendency. It may be cute at the start but after a while you become creepy being all up in their grill, knowing everything they do without giving them a chance to tell you (even for conversation sake)

3. Create a boundary: By this I mean stop with the 20 calls in a day or the need to be clingy and be given attention. If they don’t respond to your messages, maybe they are busy and you should be too.

4. Don’t try too hard: If you look like you are doing a lot to get them to notice you, then I’m sorry you look desperate. It’s no fun when only one person is doing all the work.

5. It’s not the end of the world: If you meet every guy/girl with the thought of a future relationship in your head, none of these tips will work. Calm down; make friends, not boyfriends. If they don’t like you back, don’t take it personally. Everybody has different tastes and personalities, so maybe you are not what they are looking for, trying to force them to make them like you is an act of desperation

At the end of the day, I believe there is no right or wrong when it comes dating however there are a few basics that I believe everyone should know especially when you are ready to settle down .

Best of luck

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE DESPERATE

There comes a time in life when you want to ‘settle down’. I mean in a society like ours, that’s your singular purpose in life from the moment you could introduce yourself without the help of an older person *insert sarcasm*.

This ‘want’ and ‘need’ to be married soon becomes an ailment, a disease that follows you, a condition that makes your friends avoid you, a sickness that makes every relationship short-lived and potential friends become strangers.  The problem is that in all of this, the only person who is not aware of the severe Desperado Syndrome is you and when you are told that you’ve become that desperate single person, you often go into defense mode and then have this long speech to back up your points.

Here are a few ways to know if you have become that desperate single person:

  1. You talk about marriage a lot – you would not be a desperado if you didn’t do this. You eat, drink, sleep and breathe marriage; from the first conversation with complete strangers you are already dropping hints as to why you want to get married and the kind of man/woman you are searching for.
  2. You want a title too soon – It’s been barely 2 weeks that you’ve been talking to someone and you are already asking the question ‘so what are we?’ ‘am I your girlfriend?’ ‘where are we headed?’
  3. You make a lot excuses – You are constantly making excuses for yourself or the person you are trying to be with. For example, you make statements like – ‘he’s not that fine but he pays attention’, ‘he’s not that paid but he’s a nice guy’, ‘I’m not sure how I feel about him but I mean I am no longer 21’.….at the end of the day, we have one question for you… ‘Who ask you?’
  4. You try to make him become ‘the one’ – Even though you know the person you are with does not have the qualities you are searching for, you still go ahead with the relationship and then get frustrated with they do not become the person you want them to be.
  5. You are time conscious – and by this I do not mean hours and minutes, I am talking keeping tabs on how long you plan to talk to this person before he asks you out or he proposes. After all you don’t have the patience for anyone to waste your time
  6. You sabotage a lot of friendships – every single person is a potential boyfriend or husband. For clear reasons, you cannot define exactly what you are looking for in your partner and in most cases, you end up destroying possible life long relationships.
  7. You throw the cookie – there’s nothing like waiting to get to know the them better before you get to ‘know’ them intimately with you. I mean how else would they know you have marriage qualities on lock down.
  8. You live in an illusion-induced cinematic world – let’s be honest you don’t know if you will end up being together with this person or not, so try to not envision long-term. Think next date not when you will be walking down the aisle and changing your last name. This is not a Hollywood romcom so snap out of it and take it one day at a time.

I know sometimes, it seems like trying hard will give you a more likely chance of find love but everyone needs to know where to draw the line and not be desperate. You can probably think of a time when you met someone who reeked of desperation, at first it was cute but then you freaked out and ran as fast as you could.

I can hear you saying, “I don’t act desperate, okay.  I just want to settle down” and that is probably true.  I’m sure you are not the female version of who I just described but it doesn’t mean that you aren’t putting off that same kind of vibe.

BUDGET FRIENDLY LAGOS VALENTINE

We all know what February 14 is, there are so many offers available online; trips abroad, expensive dinners, hampers of various sizes and so one. However with the current economic situation of the country, there is something that is not as available as the options for an extravagant valentine which happens to be, the funds for it all.

If you’re worried that your bank account can’t stretch far enough to give your bae (we need to retire this word) a Valentine’s Day to remember, realize that the best experience on Valentine’s Day is having him/her know that they’re loved, cared about, and wanted.

Here are some of our SIG’s budget friendly valentine’s day ideas

Dinner at Freedom Park 

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If you really want to have dinner but on a budget then you should go to a few of the parks or beaches in Lagos. Personally, I recommend Freedom Park, which is in the heart of Lagos Island. Freedom park gives you great ambiance and good food, you should definitely try the grilled fish by Jagzee Chow.

And here’s a trick, if you want to make it even more romantic, grab your table and chairs to a secluded spot in the park, spread out your table-cloth and light up some candles. You may want to stay away from the fountain though, you know what they say about stagnant water

Brunch at Lekki Conservation Centre

lekki-1Lekki Conservation Centre has to be one of the most photographed places in Lagos, after the lekki-ikoyi bridge of course, which makes it a good location for a valentine’s brunch if you are on a budget. Simply pack up your picnic basket, grab a meal and then take a walk around the centre. If you have a board game then take it with you and make that moment your own.

Day Trip to Badagry Coconut Beach

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About 20 miles towards the border of Nigeria and the Republic of Benin, Coconut Beach is accessible through the ever busy Lagos-Badagry expressway. This beach is known for its beauty and breathtaking scenery views which makes it an ideal place to spend valentine’s day in Lagos to relax and unwind.

Dinner and Movie (Your way)

SIG MENU

Dinner and movie at home is always a win but instead of doing the traditional Nigerian meals e.g pepper-soup for starter, jollof rice and vanilla ice-cream, take it a step further and go for the unconventional because it shows that you put in the effort and didn’t just order from your local buka.

With DSTV Rental, Netflix and IrokoTV, you are spoilt for choice when it comes to deciding what movie. For the full cinema experience, get your microwavable popcorn, sprinkle some granulated sugar over it and you are good to go.

As our valentine’s gift to you, Chef Imoteda was nice enough to give us a 3 course valentine meal suggestion (menu pictured above) so if you have no clue on how to be unconventional then simply click here or the thumbnails below.

 

We hope this helps and remember you don’t have to break the bank to show you care, it’s the little things that count for those that truly love you.

5 RESOLUTIONS TO TURN UP YOUR DATING LIFE 

I know the new year hype is over but as we officially kickstart the week in Lagos here is some #SIGWISDOM to try out this 2016 and turn up your dating life.

5. Find your dating purpose. This is very important. What is your purpose for dating this 2016? Figure out what you want and stick to it. If you don’t want a long-term relationship, be clear about that from day one. If you want a long-term relationship, be clear about that, too. No need forming or pretending and acting surprised when the person in question does not match up. Also make sure you figure out the qualities you think are most important to you in a partner. If sense of humor is vital to you don’t ask for a second date with someone who doesn’t make you laugh, if it is financial stability then focus on that.

4. Don’t forget your single friends. Believe it or not, your single friends are NOT your enemy. Be open and honest about your dating experience and resolve to listen to others be open and honest about theirs. You’d be surprised the things you learn just from speaking up. Become a better listener, a better friend and a better person all at the same time. Learning how to talk about emotions with others will, in fact, eventually make you a better person to be with.

3. Let go of the past. If you have any issues from your past, like an ex you never got over or someone you are still upset with, now is the time to let it go. That means letting go of the things in your life that remind you of a retired relationship. It means hiding them from your Facebook feed and taking a vow to stop stalking them online. I’m not saying you need to throw people out of your life, but you do need to give yourself the time to grow without them for a while. Only then will you be in a position to let someone else in.

2. Set realistic dates and keep them. The kind of dates you go for define the potential partners you meet. We all love to turnup but sometimes turning up means going low key. Lagos has a variety of things to do on a weekly basis so feel free to try new things. Don’t change your mind last minute on a potential date because you’re tired or you are all of a sudden not feeling them. If you want to meet someone thoughtful and considerate, you have to be thoughtful and considerate, too…always remember there’s this thing called karma

1. Be present at events. And by that I Mean drop your phone. As much as I love social media, I hate that these days people aren’t giving themselves to be approachable because they spend too much time instagraming or snapchating, I feel like you get to know more about people from their social media feeds than in person. No one wants to feel like they are competing for your attention with your cell phone and 500 followers. Take your life offline for a minute and experience life around you.

CAN I DATE HIM?

Dear Miss Gidi,

Complements, hope you’re doing ok?

Please I need your advice on an issue that’s been on my mind. Few years back ( about 5-6 years ago) my elder sister worked at a particular place with a co-worker ( a guy, Tony) they were pretty young then. Tony used to ask my sister to be his girlfriend but she refused, fast forward to this day they’ve been casual friends since then, he comes to the house to visit her sometimes.

Now Tony is asking me to be his girlfriend, he’s really been persistent, I refused based on the ground that he asked my sister out few years back, I told him my reasons but he said it doesn’t matter and that they were both really young then besides nothing happened between them. It’s been close to two years now and he still comes around and still asks for a positive reply from me.

He just passed out from his NYSC recently and he’s home now looking for a job. He said he’s serious about me and wants us to work.

Please what do you think? It’s been two years now, besides I broke up with my ex 4 months back. So I’m single. I really need your advice. I’m 23,my sister is 25 and Tony is 27.

Thanks, 

Sandra


 

 

I have my opinions, but this section is not just about me…so to everyone that’s reading, what do you think? should Sandra date Tony or should she walk away?

Use the comment box below and let’s discuss.

If you want to reach out to me or share your own story on the blog, you can send an email to singleingidi@yahoo.com or follow SingleinGidi on Facebook, twitter and instagram 

Love,

SIG