MINGLE ALL THE WAY

oh mingle bells, mingle bells, mingle all the waayyyy

Okay let me stop

On Thursday, Zoe Chinaka of Nigeria Info invited me to join a panel of ladies as we discussed how to mingle this holiday. The other ladies on the panel were, TG of Protouch Consulting and Mrs Tolu Akintoye, a relationship counselor. I must say it was fun having to share notes and thoughts with the ladies on air.

As we are in December, we all know that LasGidi is going to be busy with a lot of events and of course our family and friends will be coming in from far and wide to celebrate the holidays.

December is also known as the time that a lot of singles get to mingle, and maybe meet potential ‘partners’ or just make new friends. Whatever the case, there will be a lot of activity and the ladies and I were able to come up with a few good tips on how to mingle as a single lady this holiday.

  1. Be you: this is not the time to acquire a foreign accent that you do not have. However, being you does not mean to be rowdy.
  2. Observance is key: Pay attention to the environment you find yourself. Don’t go and start shouting or yelling at a cocktail event. #justsaying
  3. Smile and be nice: I don’t know why Naija women like to frown and be rude. Try to be nice, be attentive and have a conversation; you don’t have to be rude to someone you are not interested in. Simple courtesy goes a long way because you never know who knows who
  4. Drop you phone: this is a personal pet peeve of mine, I cannot understand why any young lady would get dressed, put on makeup and wear heels, only to go use her phone through out the event chatting with friends and posting things on social media. How do you expect to be approachable when you’re focused on your phone the whole time
  5. Be open-minded: Be open to making new friends, be open to going to a variety of events. I mean, there are so many events happening in Lagos this season so don’t be afraid to try new things.

And that’s it, 5 mingle tips for the singles in Gidi this holiday. Do you think we missed something? Leave a comment below and tell us how you mingle?

On that note, don’t forget another chance to mingle this holiday, #SINGLEINGIDI will still be on stage for today only at TerraKulture, Victoria Island for 3pm (N3,000) and the command performance at 6pm (N5,000). Yesterday was fun, you don’t want to miss it today

#singleingidi -instagram_revised

 

Love,

SIG

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COERCE

‘Nigerians laugh when they are uncomfortable’ – Najite Dede

I remember hearing those words after watching the play ‘Colour Me Man’ by The Naked Convos.

There was a scene where Red (played by Timi Charles-Fadipe) explained how he raped Rhoda, a girl he loved but she was with Blue (played by Seun Kentebe) because of Blue’s money and the fact that Red never stepped up to ask her out. What surprised me wasn’t Timi’s acting because he is a fantastic actor and he’s in the Single in Gidi play as well but the fact that the audience laughed all through that scene

…Especially the women

The women laughed and I cringed at the imagination of a fellow woman being taken without her consent while others like her laughed. You could say it was only a stage play , that was until I read Sugabelly’s story, and I saw people and characters call her all sorts, claiming she was a slut, a gold digger. Everyone had something negative to say to her, people of all shapes and backgrounds

…Especially the women

Her fellow women laughed at her, said the 17-year-old had it coming and it made no sense why she kept going back. The women laughed, called her names for attempting to destroy the homes of ‘happily married men’ after eight years of living in fear, pain and depression. Not bothering to wonder if the women in these happily married homes are probably victims themselves.

Nigerians they say laugh through their pain but maybe we have become so desensitized that we laugh at others who suffer from trauma like we would laugh at one of Bovi’s jokes.

It surprises me that women like Sugabelly have the audacity to say her story was too good to be true, too much like a Nollywood story, too graphic to be real so they decide it must be all a lie and go ahead to call her names in the hopes that what is true will become a script and we can all laugh at it because deep inside we are uncomfortable to accept the fact that a human could treat another the way she and every other victim of rape have been treated.

I went back to 2014, found an old post where an anonymous lady left a comment on how she was raped while on her period, a friend’s sister that was raped for hours un-end because she refused to accept the advances of a horny cult member, another who was constantly raped by her own boyfriend and there was Sugabelly recounting locations, events, times and plate numbers.

These are some of the women who have found the voice and strength to speak, to tell the world of their pain at the expense of being laughed at, being called names and their stories being tossed around like the latest gist in town while these men roam the streets, exchanging stories of conquered little girls, teenagers and women, in search of their next victim while everyone laughs, pointing fingers, calling names

…Especially the women

The women with daughters and sisters and friends who may be going through the same pain but have no one to turn to for help and support, no shoulder to lean on…nobody to hold their hands and say it won’t be easy but it will be alright, not the authorities, not the churches, not their families

…Not even their fellow women

 

5 SIGNS HE WANTS TO MARRY UP

Marrying up seems to be the trend in Lagos

No not women marrying up because that’s probably what you are thinking but gone are the days when your beauty and charm as a woman would land you a good husband (even though that can be relative). It seems more men are looking for girls with ‘assets’ and a good network base to take to the altar.

The other day, I was having a conversation with a few guys and one of them emphasized his wish to marry a wealthier woman because it meant less work for him and a chance to be upgraded in life. Babes can no longer have normal jobs anymore o, because in order for these guys to pay attention to you, you must know how to package yourself, you are either a foreign graduate or a high flyer in a telecoms company before they can pay attention to you. You can no longer live on the mainland because they don’t want to cross the ocean for your love and don’t forget you must have a slight foreign accent. Being a customer service agent must now become a Relationship manager with a focus on high net worth individuals in the oil and gas industry, and in a twinkle of an eye, what was just a regular girl has now become a potential for networking and business contracts.

I know they say Lagos is the city of hustlers but have we now carried this hustling spirit into the dating game too? So back to the guy in question, according to him, since he spends a lot of time looking good and achieving a lot for himself then he should be able to get himself a girl who can be of benefit to him and his future generation.

So ladies, before you are deceived by that SUV driving young man squatting with 5 other guys in a 2 bedroom in Agungi, here are ways to know if the man you’re talking to simply wants to marry up

1. He wants a potential sugar-mama – whether you have a good job, you are a successful entrepreneur or an heiress to daddy’s wealth, any signs of financial stability makes you a possible target for a man who just wants to marry up.

2. He is full of potential on paper- he studied English business admin or mass com in Unilag, experimented with modeling in those days but didn’t quite blow up, in other words; he is living on past glory of MTN billboard that was on 3rd mainland bridge and never even made it to the Ikoyi billboards

3. He is in a huge hurry to find out who you know and how they can be of benefits to him. (refer #1)

4. He is quick to fall in love but not quick to commit – He has to be sure that there are no other options out there for him before he finally decides to have a serious relationship with you but he will tell you sweet nothings so you think there is a commitment to look forward to

5. He invests in his look – whether it be hours in the gym or being cladded in expensive outfits, Mr Man will take his time to look good maybe a little more than you do. The only things he brings to the table are his looks and his baby-boy nature of not having a real job.

I must confess sha, I do find it amusing and somewhat refreshing because the tables are being turned and now we can boldly call men gold-diggers, only investing in their physical appearance and packaging in order to get women who will ‘upgrade’ them in life.

Which makes me wonder, who will marry Linda Ikeji?

CLOSURE

Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time’s supposed to heal ya, but I ain’t done much healing

Am I the only who is obsessed with Adele’s new song, by the way, who else has seen Joe’s cover? Adele killed this song, but Joe straight-up murdered the cover. In case anyone of my billionaire friends wants to give me a wedding present, I can accept Joe serenading us.. *wink wink*
Amazing that five years later, Adele is back like she never left. I love how she is so relatable to anyone who has had their hearts broken, but this song took me back memory lane, and how sometimes we put our moving on from hurt and finding closure into the hands of the other person.

Recently, a friend and I were having a conversation on finding or getting your closure from relationships gone sour. I was of the opinion that after a breakup, the best thing to do would be to move on while she believes in order to move on you had to have an honest conversation with the other person so you could have peace.

But what happens if the other person does not want to have a conversation with you though?

Let’s be honest, breakups aren’t easy but what makes it worse is when there are questions unanswered leaving behind a void that needs to be filled with explanations or some form of validation (NO, this is not where you start quoting the bible)

Often times, we tend to believe our closure is found from just saying ‘this relationship is not working’ until something happens and a million and one emotions come flowing down all over again. I remember waking up one morning and seeing pictures of my ex on Facebook in a suit and a woman in a wedding dress, I refused to admit he got married, yes, he was a jerk to me and yes I knew we would never get married but if we only broke up in December, how was he married in July? I told myself I needed closure as a matter of fact, I deserved the closure so I sent one of those guilt trip emails hoping he would respond (why do women do this?)

Broda did not respond, as a matter of fact, he went as far as blocking me on Facebook and every social media platform he could find me so I would not be able to reach him to ask him questions because he knew I had them; questions like who was she? when? how? why did you treat me as bad as you did? do you know how many times you made me cry? how dare you deserve to be happy? what lies have you told her about me, because I know you lie? how come this girl is so blind to see what a jerk you are? e.t.c

When I look back now at those days, I laugh, because at that point in my life I believed my closure had to do with the other person more than it had to do with me like my friend does now.

One of the mistakes we often make is putting the course of our lives in the hands of someone else in search of some form of validation like our happiness depends on their existence  so when that source of happiness disappears, we become devastated and somewhat distraught and go about searching for that closure, wanting to hear the answers from someone else  even though we may already know them.

Why on earth we do this instead of  “closing the door” ourselves is something I can never really quite understand. When I told my friend that I learnt to walk away and never look back, she looked at me like I must have lost my mind because for her she would have gotten to the bottom of the gist whether the dude liked it or not….(babes sha)

Truth is, whether or not we were the ones to end the relationship, we have to admit that it ended for a reason and often times we do have a part to play in it. It is important to think through all the possible reasons. Finding closure doesn’t mean you need to become best friends with your ex;   it just means he or she is no longer your enemy and you are fine with whatever decision they made with their lives because your happiness does not depend on them.

No matter what situation you’ve gone through, realize that no one gives you the permission to “move on”. So learn to give yourself closure and move on with or without other people, or you could remain stuck in the past for the rest of your life while the other party enjoys their lives without you.

Love,

SIG

FOR THE LOVE OF MONEY

Heyyyy guys, I know y’all did not miss me since ImaRose has been holding it down on the blog. My sincere apologies for not updating as much as I used to, NO, it has nothing to do with planning a wedding (like ImaRose likes to hint), however it is a case of me feeling like a fraud, writing as a single person in the dating world when I don’t exactly have the material to talk about, it won’t be original but then again maybe I am over thinking it.

Moving on…

Last weekend, I was with a group of brides-to-be at an event when one of the ladies asked a question regarding finances and marriage. According to her, it was a concern that she earned significantly more than her fiancé so she needed advice on how to handle the situation. Of course, the guests had one thing or the other to offer but one thing they failed to ask was ‘how has he been in the relationship?’

Questions like hers, is one of the reasons why a lot of young men would rather be single than marry someone they love just because she earns more than he does. One thing we need to do as women is learn not to over emphasize our financial independence…especially in a relationship, I mean how would you like it if your boyfriend was always reminding you how he earns more than you do or if some guy you’re talking to decides the reason he didn’t want to be with you is because you didn’t have a ‘lucrative job’, or every time you had a conversation, he would bring up your financial status as a major concern.

I mean if the bros in question is paying his own bills and isn’t asking you for money why should his financial status be a reason for alarm, it shows that he is responsible and even though he may not be where he is to pay for your ‘luxury life’, he will be able to pay for important things like house rent, e.t.c. Too many young women are looking for sugar daddies instead of husbands or partners to grow with. It just sounds strange when I hear things like this or maybe I am strange…

I remember when I heard some guy I liked at a point in my life said he had a problem with my profession because I didn’t have a ‘good paying’ job according to his standard so he didn’t think it would work and another guy blatantly said he was a doctor so he needed a wife in the medical field so their combined income could afford them a good life…therefore, Ms Gidi didn’t cut it.  Now that I think about it, they both had something in common, they wanted women from their states and were doctors, in summary, they were both short-sighted.

Regardless of their myopic view on life, I remember feeling a bit upset when i heard that which brings me to my question for the day, should the financial status of your partner (male or female matter especially when they take care of their bills without your help?. And for the men, if the woman of dreams, earned significantly more than you do, what would you do?

Love,

HELP! I WANT TO BE WITH HER BUT I AM SCARED

It’s almost the weekend yayyyyy!!!

Here is a comment/request from the last post on Sex as bad as Junk food that I feel needs to be addressed in detail. 


 

 

dear miss gidi

I have met great girls, there is this particular one I really like, to be honest, she is the wife I imagined in my dreams, the problem is I am scared she will get tired and walk away because, I am really struggling to be a good man and pursue her.

As you ladies have identified, junk sex makes us guys forget what pursuing a woman is about and almost see it as stress. Since the day I met her, I knew she was different, but she seems kind of withdrawn and has mentioned to me that I am not ready for a relationship and she won’t wait, truth is I am a casual sex regular, but I am getting too old for it and to be honest, it’s very draining. I want out, what would you ladies suggest?

– Anonymous


 

Hi Mr Anonymous, 

It’s good to know that one junk sex addict out there is willing to hang his boots and settle down with someone who he believes is the woman of his dreams. It’s a win for every single woman out there, however we know it won’t be easy for you because …well any good woman knowing the ‘history’ of a man would be very cautious to avoid being a victim. 

I do not claim to be an expert in such matters, but here are a few things I suggest:

 – Don’t be in a hurry – The problem with most men who are addicted to junk sex is that they are very impatient even when the real deal comes around. They usually think that the ‘ease’ of getting women is universal when in reality it’s not. If you really want this woman, you have to take your time, get to know her, get to understand, be her friend (avoid the friend zone though) and earn her trust. Her withdrawal is simply an indication of her lack of trust for you . 

Stay away from the sexual zone – This may be easier said than done but if you really want to earn her trust your actions have to prove to her that you are not in it for the panties but for the long run. 

– Find out if YOU are the husband of her dreams – Yes she may be the wife of your dreams but if you do not fit into what she wants in the man she would spend the rest of her life with, well let’s just say you are wasting your time (and bugging her). Again get to know her, ask her questions about her life and the future she wants for herself; get to know the kind of man she sees herself with; finally and objectively ask yourself if you are that man or if you could be that man for her. 

Be a better man You have said that you are struggling to be a good man so make that choice and put in the effort. I believe this is a growth process for you so work on yourself while you get to know her. She may or may not be the one you end up with but you would come out a better man from this process and a good example for your children yet unborn. 

On that note, I wish you the best of luck and lots of happiness 

Regards, 

Nothing good comes easy

SINGLE BUT UNAVAILABLE

Miss Gidi here *phew* it has been a while and June has been one heck of a busy month. 

First of all, I would like to thank everyone that came out to support the play even on the rainy days when I thought no one would show up. The stage adaptation of the blog was indeed a success and an emotional experience for me, watching the words from this blog come to life. I should have official pictures from the last day of the play available soon for your viewing pleasure 🙂 …

Now on to today’s topic

UNAVAILABLE

A lot of times, I have come across people who are single, who say they want to settle down but yet happen to be unavailable…emotionally. Most times this emotional unavailability is either caused by a bad breakup, lingering feelings for the ex, fear of rejection or maybe because they have a higher priority at the time. In Nigeria, you tend to find this more with men than women, most emotionally unavailable Nigerian men claim they are looking to make money before thinking of committing but if you push harder, you’ll see that some are suffering from rejection while some have a girlfriend/wife somewhere in the world.

Recently I was having a conversation with a friend about some guy she has been talking to, they’ve been on a few dates and he has been a perfect gentleman. Her problem is, each time she feels they are moving ahead and getting closer, he disappears and by that I mean he stops communicating abruptly, gives her the cold treatment and then gives excuses for being busy. After a few weeks though, he comes back to his chummy ways, a few dates, lots of phone conversations and poof! he goes cold again.  This has been an interesting cycle in their friendship for the last six months and of course I could tell my friend was tired of it especially since she kinda likes him.

 

Like my friend, I have been a victim of this cycle in the past,  where you are confused as to what exactly could be going on and how to get out of it. The problem is, instead of walking away when we notice this abnormality, most of us (men and women alike) make that mistake of trying to ‘fix things’ and in the process end up hurting themselves, crying a river and saying things like ‘he hurt me and took advantage of  my emotions for him’. Since  ladies tend to be the victims of this more than the men, I’m going to focus on the women today.

Ladies, let’s be real with ourselves, when he is into you, it doesn’t take much for you to see it. He will show efforts, take you out, make you feel special, call more than ‘chat’, compliment you and so on and so forth.  If you are unsure or have to ask then it’s either he’s giving you conflicting messages or he’s not into you…you choose. Usually at this point, the question becomes ‘Why would he even be giving mixed messages? If he likes me then why won’t he just act right?’.

From asking a few guys (cause you know I always ask around) here are a few reasons why he’s giving mixed messages:

  1. He likes you but he’s not looking for relationship (for whatever reason) and doesn’t want to lead you on so he has to blow hot and cold  (this is a very common reason for a lot of guys)
  2. He likes you enough to want to explore things with you, but you seem to be a bit more eager than he is so he needs to back off every now and then to slow you down. You are a good girl, he knows that, he also knows you want to settle down but can you not put it in his face every time you speak to him. It kinda looks desperate sorry.
  3. He’s probably has some kind of relationship with another woman already #nuffsaid
  4. If you have given up the ‘cookie’, thennnn maybe just maybe he really doesn’t want anything more than a casual relationship in which sex is the center…in other words you are a just a booty call… ma binu
  5. He just wants to be friends because he’s just not up for the obligations, expectations and responsibility of a relationship at this very moment….again referring to #4, you may just be a good friend ‘with benefits’

So! not like my opinion may matter much to you, but instead of trying to fix things, ladies please walk away; stay friends if you can but walk away (emotionally).

Although, I have heard that some ladies like to hang around so whenever he becomes available, they would be on top of the list…*sigh* I won’t comment further on that today.

Whatever the case, do what’s good for you…preferably what keeps your sanity intact

 

Till next time,

10 SIGNS SHE’S NOT INTO YOU

Men have their games and most of them have been decoded by lots of authors and speakers *cough* Steve Harvey… but who is helping out the innocent men that are actually being played by women out there, causing them to become damaged and leaving us the ‘good girls’ to suffer.

So ladies, today, forgive me for I am about to call you out on your game!

Now gentlemen, you walked up to this hawt chic, had an okay conversation, she gives you her blackberry pin and telephone number (we are imagining this). At this point you are thinking ‘gosh this babe must like me’ and you go ahead to act all macho, pretend not to be interested or you stalk her unintentionally (whatever works for you). She replies your messages, answers your calls maybe once or twice and then she stops, tells you she has a boyfriend, is very busy or unavailable at the moment… I hate to break the news to you but – she’s not into you.

Every single woman in her subconscious considers different options when it comes to guy. If she finds you attractive enough you automatically register as backup plan number 54 (hypothetically).  She could find you attractive at first or maybe she was being polite but along the way you start seeing certain signs. For some reason, some men think it’s all part of the chase when really they are being shut down. So to make this a lot easier for you guys and also on us women who are tired of men who do not get the message, I have complied the top 10 ‘Not into you’ List

Message on the wall – if you call her, text, email, Facebook, mention or DM on Twitter repeatedly and she doesn’t reply any of them. Then she’s either dead or not into you and you need to stop stalking her. If she deletes you off her blackberry messenger or cuts you off and gives you a ‘stupid reason’ then my brother you irritate her and she wants nothing to do with you. It is as simple as that!

Walking the bird – everyone is busy, and everyone has their day planned out so we all have excuses. What matters is the quality of excuse she gives you and what happens after. If she has to walk the bird, or cook for the neighbour’s rat then you know she just wants to get rid of you…. if she gives you a good reason but never tries to reach you after she’s done…she just successfully shut you down.

No is no – if she turns down all you dinner/movie/drink invites then STOP asking. She’s not trying to front, she’s just not interested.

Mr. Maga – If she only calls you when she needs help with something or someone or cash, then she is only using you. She’ll disappear as fast as she appeared after getting what she wants. So stop thinking your money will make her love you… you’ll only be ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ forever.

Can’t touch this – She has never let you hold her hand, or even talk to her about holding her hand, point is she has never imagined being intimate with you then she is not into you. Stop trying to force it by patting her hair, putting your arms around her, a bad attempt at ‘kissing’ her or the famous licking the ear… you’re only going to make her hate you…so stop for your own good, respect your manly ego.

Just a Friend (aka Friend zoning) – she introduces you to friends as “a friend” and you still think the light is blazing green? No brother, she’s making it clear to you in front of those that matter… You are “just a friend.”

Not so funny Your friends think you are the funniest thing since Chris Rock or Basketmouth, but she keeps a straight face at your jokes. Darling, she does not want to encourage you in any way because she does not find you funny, she maintains a straight face or just cracks a teeny-weeny smile.

No details, please – she is not interested in an in-depth analysis of your day, or your life. She is just passing through, bruv!! That “how have you been, Andy?” is her being polite. Her eyes glaze over when you start to talk about “you”.

Back off– you are constantly surprised at how abruptly she ends conversations with you. Or cuts into yours and starts a totally different subject? Red alert! You are getting on her last nerve.

Three′s company– you ask her out on a date and you end up with her and 2 of her friends. She is simply avoiding any talk with “us” included. Need I say more?

Now that you have been informed, I hope you will find it easy to notice that although you may think she’s the best thing since sliced bread, truth is my brother….She’s only going to shut you down. 

Love,

SURVIVING LAGOS AS AN INTROVERT

Being an introvert in a place like Lagos has got to be challenging. Lagos is this chaotic city where everyday driving requires that you yell or honk like it’s going out of style and to be in constant contact with people. I always considered myself to be an introvert until I realised that Nigeria required that I constantly had to get out of my comfort zone, so now I am an Extroverted Introvert (if that even makes sense)

In Nigeria, you are often told that in order to meet the ‘right’ people, you have to ‘go out’ often, go for parties or maybe crash weddings; which is okay if you are about that life but if you are not, you want to make sure that stepping out of your home is worth your time and can guarantee you meeting the ‘right people’.

Pretending to be extrovert never helps because people will be able to see through the facade and in a place like Lagos, you’d definitely end up with some drama while at it.

So how exactly do you survive as an introvert in Lagos?

  1. Be ready to step out ‘wisely’ – I know it’s not something you would like to do but the key to going out in Lagos is by being specific as to where you would like to be found. Luckily, you can find anything so instead of going for the noisy events or carnival weddings, look out for intimate events like open mics, art expos (if you are into that kind of stuff) or networking events.
  2. Ask questions – One of the ways I’ve been able to survive Lagos is by being the one to ask questions and not the one answering them. This way you don’t have to do most of the talking. Avoid being an interrogator though because no one really wants to feel like they are being questioned.
  3. Go out with a friend – Unlike popular Lagos belief that you need to be on your own to be noticed, going out with a friend helps. So if all else fails, there is someone to talk to and keep you company. At the same time, avoid being too clingy and be open to having a conversation with others, your friend is simply a fall back option.
  4. Use your circle – Just because you are an introvert does not mean you don’t have friends; you just tend to prefer to interact with them one-on-one or in small groups. Your friends can be one of your most valuable connection when it comes to meeting new people in a comfortable environment without the pressure of having to go out and approach strangers. Rather than asking to be hooked up or trying to force yourself to be more outgoing at a party,  try letting your friends know you’re interested in meeting some new people… so maybe they could bring another person or two they think you might get along with.
  5. Feel free to recharge – Regardless of whether you consider yourself an introvert or not, everyone has at least some part of them that cherishes their alone time especially after a crazy day in Lagos (which is almost everyday). If you find yourself craving some down time away from all the madness, then by all means do that, this way you won’t be cranky when you have to step out with a few friends.

On that note, I think I’m done for the night, time to go read a book or catch up on my nollywood flicks.

Love,

TYPES OF MEN IN THE LAGOS DATING SCENE

We all know Toke Makinwa, well if you don’t, Toke is an On air personality (OAP) with Rhythm 93.7fm, a television host and also a vlogger.

I watch her vlogs every once in a while, some I agree with and some I don’t, I think it’s her cheeky yet sarcastic humour (and the people who take her seriously) that makes me go back to watch her vlogs. Anyway, her recent vlog has to do with the types of men available in the lagos dating scene, on this one though, she expatiates on the 419ers and the daddy’s boys.

So what do you think? Do you agree with the two she listed and are there other ‘types’ that you may have come across?

I feel like there should be one on the types of women available in the lagos dating scene.

Have a great weekend

Love,