CLOSURE

Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time’s supposed to heal ya, but I ain’t done much healing

Am I the only who is obsessed with Adele’s new song, by the way, who else has seen Joe’s cover? Adele killed this song, but Joe straight-up murdered the cover. In case anyone of my billionaire friends wants to give me a wedding present, I can accept Joe serenading us.. *wink wink*
Amazing that five years later, Adele is back like she never left. I love how she is so relatable to anyone who has had their hearts broken, but this song took me back memory lane, and how sometimes we put our moving on from hurt and finding closure into the hands of the other person.

Recently, a friend and I were having a conversation on finding or getting your closure from relationships gone sour. I was of the opinion that after a breakup, the best thing to do would be to move on while she believes in order to move on you had to have an honest conversation with the other person so you could have peace.

But what happens if the other person does not want to have a conversation with you though?

Let’s be honest, breakups aren’t easy but what makes it worse is when there are questions unanswered leaving behind a void that needs to be filled with explanations or some form of validation (NO, this is not where you start quoting the bible)

Often times, we tend to believe our closure is found from just saying ‘this relationship is not working’ until something happens and a million and one emotions come flowing down all over again. I remember waking up one morning and seeing pictures of my ex on Facebook in a suit and a woman in a wedding dress, I refused to admit he got married, yes, he was a jerk to me and yes I knew we would never get married but if we only broke up in December, how was he married in July? I told myself I needed closure as a matter of fact, I deserved the closure so I sent one of those guilt trip emails hoping he would respond (why do women do this?)

Broda did not respond, as a matter of fact, he went as far as blocking me on Facebook and every social media platform he could find me so I would not be able to reach him to ask him questions because he knew I had them; questions like who was she? when? how? why did you treat me as bad as you did? do you know how many times you made me cry? how dare you deserve to be happy? what lies have you told her about me, because I know you lie? how come this girl is so blind to see what a jerk you are? e.t.c

When I look back now at those days, I laugh, because at that point in my life I believed my closure had to do with the other person more than it had to do with me like my friend does now.

One of the mistakes we often make is putting the course of our lives in the hands of someone else in search of some form of validation like our happiness depends on their existence  so when that source of happiness disappears, we become devastated and somewhat distraught and go about searching for that closure, wanting to hear the answers from someone else  even though we may already know them.

Why on earth we do this instead of  “closing the door” ourselves is something I can never really quite understand. When I told my friend that I learnt to walk away and never look back, she looked at me like I must have lost my mind because for her she would have gotten to the bottom of the gist whether the dude liked it or not….(babes sha)

Truth is, whether or not we were the ones to end the relationship, we have to admit that it ended for a reason and often times we do have a part to play in it. It is important to think through all the possible reasons. Finding closure doesn’t mean you need to become best friends with your ex;   it just means he or she is no longer your enemy and you are fine with whatever decision they made with their lives because your happiness does not depend on them.

No matter what situation you’ve gone through, realize that no one gives you the permission to “move on”. So learn to give yourself closure and move on with or without other people, or you could remain stuck in the past for the rest of your life while the other party enjoys their lives without you.

Love,

SIG

SIMPLER DAYS

I feel like I am getting more comfortable in this my dating career. Gone are the days when one would meet a man and start wondering or trying to get any explanation for when he starts misbehaving, hoping you get the memo or the classic disappearing and reappearing act after a week or so.

My dating career seems so much simpler now– maybe it’s because I am getting older and really coming into my own as a woman. I stand by what I want in a man and won’t accept counterfeits or discounted packages. I give the whole nines and I want the same right back.

What’s that saying again that says “when you know what you bring to the table, you are not afraid to eat alone” That’s me right now, I am an exclusive kinda-woman, selfless, sweet, kind-lover, not ashamed to please, honour and worship my man, but, I want the same thing and I don’t feel guilty for it (ImaRose just dey wash herself today abeg no vex, if it’s paining you go and write for SIG too and wash yaself, I will borrow you my shower-jel)

But yeah, are values and traditions not being passed down or are things just complicated these days? Being that it’s 2015 and all that, Lagos guys be like “why stress oneself, when a new toy to play with is just an Instagram like away”

God sha know who he created when he created me; as in, I’m not afraid to remain a single girl who will eventually be a single mother  because I can’t settle for anything less than real, I want a man to be crazy about me how Miss Gidi’s bae is crazy over her, as in eh if you see the two of them, you too go wan love. I mean like Miss Gidi, my own love is unconditional so make I dey wait for my ima..abi no bi so?

But bros before I or any woman can give you unconditional love,  these old-fashion dating tips need to be urgently resurrected:

  1. Approach

If you have a genuine interest in someone, approach them the right way – with respect.  First impressions are everything and set the tone of how things will go after  the initial communication; if someone is not making an effort at all in the beginning, best believe, it will never get any better because the beginning is when a man should try to impress a woman he really likes. Also, if you find that the man is involved with someone else or as is the case of Lagos men, numerous girls, who in their minds are dating them, don’t pray about it sister-girl, no darling don’t have hope, move on!

  1. Phone Calls

I get it: Texting is easier. I like to text sometimes. We all like to text or chat. But, gone are the days of being up until 3am chatting with someone you’re interested in (that was so much fun in the days of yahoo messenger).   Anyway, when getting to know someone, it is important to get in phone dialogue, to get a feel of if you even like this person, can stand them, much less want to go out on a date with them. You can extract a lot of information (i.e., history, intentions and tone) through either phone or face-to-face conversations. Bottom line: taking out time to call in the midst of your busy schedule shows me a man is really trying to get to know me in a real way.

  1. Effort

Effort seems to be lacking these days and in a major way. Why is this? Getting to know someone should be more than just chilling at mine or yours, Netflix and Chill (or maybe African Magic and chill) is so hook up like. Not that there is anything wrong with Netflix (or African Magic) …but go out on dates! To me, it always seems like a major red flag when a man only calls to come over or have me go over his and hardly wants to ever go out in a public setting with me. Dates do not have to be expensive; walking around bar-beach abi na Eko- Atlantic on a Saturday morning after a good workout can be a date, just good old-creative, fun and free ways to hang out and do stuff together. Besides there is this nice buka opposite Bar-beach, their peppersoup is on point. 

  1. Intentions

This one is scary for Lagos men, most of them have these ideas of keeping several women around without necessarily saying anything, yet, no man has ever picked any quality woman with this little boy’s gimmick. Be clear about your intentions. If you are just dating many of us at same time and playing the field or not really sure what you’re looking for, make sure you keep us in the loop, some of us really won’t mind, so as not to string anyone or disappear, Lagos is large but it’s also a small place, don’t making bumping into you awkward.  Make sure you are fully ready to date a woman or just stick to your shag-buddies or don’t even try at all.

A few weeks ago (maybe like 3 months ago) I thought I liked a guy, then he had better things to do and couldn’t be bothered to put in the effort even a one minute phone call, so I got the hint!  It’s funny how when you are not too emotionally attached to an outcome of getting to know a guy, it’s easier to tell yourself the truth.

Well now, Ima, has a new special friend (yup, very same 6-hour meeting man) and I am really enjoying getting to know this new special friend.  He has been consistent in the last four weeks, calls daily most of the times, and says he doesn’t like disconnected connectivity of messaging, so texting is not a means of keeping in touch for him; he calls 80% of the time while the other 20% is mostly a way of relaying quick information via text.

We’ve been to church together and we occasionally take long walks by the beach after working out…he does have a few things to bring to the table so maybe we’ll keep him around for a while. Miss Gidi always says one thing she learnt from dating is that a man who wants you wants you and every action will tell you so.

I think this new special friend wants me…now to do some more FBI work because abeg I no wan wahala for this Lagos

Imarose

Feature Photo

BAD MARKET WOMEN

To think I had no idea what to write about this week, but thanks to my friend, let’s call him Vodka, who called me crying last night. I don’t play with my sleep, sometimes by 8pm ImaRose don sleep. But a grown man crying on the phone had me awake giving free therapy for three hours on a Sunday night.

 E-go pass woman? Hmmmm, wait, continue! (I miss our former first-lady sha)

Okay so my friend ,Vodka, open-eye dated and wanted to marry this girl who was the direct opposite of what he always said he wanted, why? because I don’t know o…is it not how all these men are. Vodka’s story is too complicated so I no fit talk am, plus, he recently sent me one post I wrote here, say ‘im like the writer, that she make sense die. Anyway, I know it won’t be long before he figures it’s me: as an emotional writer, it doesn’t take long for people who know me to know I am ImaRose…unless Miss Gidi exposes me.

So the story is that Vodka babe don leave am…what else is new abi? but before I tell you why let me say a few things.

Men! why do you judge women solely by physical characteristics?. So, if a girl looks and dresses like she’s physically cute, most men will automatically assume she has to be a good person and, consequently, will put up with a lot of nonsense in the relationship. Especially in this Lagos, men are about the Brazilian weave, daily professional makeup wearing type of women. Some of these women are high maintenance and cause major damage to their pocket, but they don’t mind. But after dem marry am finish, they will expect Aunty to tone down…tone down wetin?

But besides these ones, let me tell you about these women who are spoiling market for those of us in this Lagos:

Constant Attention Seekers

Many of us love attention. And, yes, I include myself in that category. However, there are those who love attention and generally prefer getting it from one person and not choke the person. And, there are those who are obsessed with attention and need to get constant validation from multiple sources. These sort of women keep three to four boyfriends; waiting for who will propose first, they post thirst-trap pictures on IG and feed off of IG likes. Recently I met a babe that did that and deleted all her social media accounts after one of her bae’s proposed. Player-men, player-women are matching y’all in your own game now!

Judging by how she captions the photos and her comments, she enjoys the constant attention from the men in her news feed. These are the type that will put bikini picture and write ‘for God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son…’ she don become salvation to mankind be that.

God created us women with too much love to give, I admit our love can be a bit too much sometimes but, a good candidate knows how to manage, not to choke the guy, such balance means that when he is really busy and not all over her, she is not seeking it elsewhere thereby spoiling market for the rest of us good women.

Drama Queens

Recently, I was talking about what bothers me with someone, and got the vibe that maybe I wasn’t taken seriously or I didn’t mean what I said possibly because, I wasn’t dramatic, didn’t cry, curse, ignore or keep malice to drive a point home. I don’t know how to act like that, and if someone did to me, I’d just ignore them, I hate drama.

I feel like Nigerian men are LOVE drama, it’s like they only consider communication laced with drama, I don’t get it. If you want to send your point across, add a spice of drama, if you don’t know how to cause drama then you are not serious about what you want.

The problem with dramatic women is that it affects everyone else around them too. So, you might want to simply have a good day at work, but you find yourself on the phone half the day dealing with a meltdown because she is on her period and you didn’t call her 5 times before noon like you always do.

Keep in mind too that almost every dramatic person I know insists they “hate drama.”Don’t go by what she says. Instead, look at what they do. Sometimes, I said sometimes oh and not when she is on her period, disappoint her and see how she handles it…if you try it when she is close to her period, don’t mention my name mbok

Drama is a waste of time. It is emotionally draining to be dealing with a dramatic person all the time. While a dramatic guy might enjoy it, if you are emotionally stable, you definitely don’t want to date a girl who sucks you into her constant unstable emotions…the unfortunate thing is that for the rest of us drama-free women, most men take advantage of our calmness because these drama queens have spoilt market.

Jerks

Somehow, the concept of women as jerks is shocking to guys.

Here is a newsflash for naive men: women can be huge jerks too. Just like many guys, some women are narcissistic, manipulative, self-centered, self-serving, angry, and even violent jerks who will mistreat you and those around you, but if she wants the ring, you won’t see that side of her until she don enter house. Actually, she might manipulate you into giving the ring, you just won’t know it

To know if the babe is a jerk, pay close attention to how she treats those closest to her especially domestic workers and drivers. If she bullies others, behaves badly, acts entitled, etc. then don’t get sucked in just because she is physically attractive or can bring on her A-game in the bedroom. It’s character you live with for rest of your life and one day, na you she go slap.

Ehen so Vodka, correct bobo was dating one madam, even proposed with one five million naira rock, as in when I see the thing I melt. Sadly, Vodka lost his job shortly after and has been on a job hunt since. He’s from a wealthy home and could depend on his father but as a responsible young man, he refused. Not too long after they got engaged, aunty got pregnant so when he lost his job and with the increasing bills, Vodka told her that she should consider having the baby in Naija because he won’t be able to afford her giving birth in America.

Babe come vex that she cannot born pikin in naija and since he doesn’t have the money, she would have an abortion. Vodka was upset , he begged, his friends begged, plenty people tried to make this babe see that abortion was not the way forward, after all they were already engaged and he truly loved her….and so on and so forth.

Well, my people..true true, the babe abort the pregnancy and has now broken up with Vodka because dem no born am manage for this life.

Meanwhile people like ImaRose are still praying for correct man to come her way..this life sha

FLIP

So all you people abusing me in your comments, abeg put me for ground oh, blame Ms Gidi oh, she is busy planning wedding. I send her a post and she won’t remember to  post until two weeks later, then she will edit and re-edit and make sure my gist is straight to the point, what can I say? that’s why she is Madam Editor.

Okay, seriously, I need to start leaving my charm at home. Last week (this last week could be 2 weeks ago depending on when Ms Gidi posts this), I had a meeting that turned into a 6 hour date, it wasn’t until my phone rang that I realised I had been talking to this guy for over 6 hours. Prior to the meeting, he called me to say he couldn’t find my work number on whatsapp, and I was like no darling, I don’t do multi-whatsapp, barely have enough time to manage one.

Remember the guy who cooked me brunch in his new house after church one Sunday, yeah that guy. I really liked him at first until I noticed all his numbers were on whatsapp and he maintained all his whatsapps, that and not answering some calls in my presences that had all my warning alarms going off.

Living a double life is so off-putting for me, like it’s not that serious, you want to deceive as many babes as possible, that’s your business, but give those of us who will easily let you go when you are acting confused or suddenly disappear a chance to say “no thanks, I am not going on that emotional roller-coaster with you”.

So back to the longest meeting/date I have ever had. I eventually gave this guy my personal number and he started toasting subtly, but I didn’t know until the meeting/date. On day of meeting, he called and was like, from all our correspondence, I notice you hate driving (driving is a calling that it’s not mine, I HATE IT) can I send someone to pick you up as there is so much traffic. But what is with traffic these days, “nsi-do” “kilode” “ogini”? I was tempted to say yes, but I had beach yoga later, so I turned down such a thoughtful gesture.

First time I met this guy, we talked about something to do with marriage and I was like, “if” I get married and the guy was like “no when” you get, if sounds like you don’t believe in or want to get married.” This time, he was like you are too fancy a woman not to be wifed up, I am sure your husband is looking for you, maybe it’s me, maybe is someone new or someone you already know now.

Quickly, the conversation evolved to data collection; wanting to know what he might be dealing with should I give into his advances. We were sorting of throwing questions at each other and then I asked “why will a man go from constantly reaching out and seeming all interested to little or no contact or the excuse of being busiest person on earth”.

He took a deep breath and then he said, ImaRose, I am going to flip that question around instead “if you were a man, why would you do something like that”? Suddenly I got it; it’s like we ask others for validation to counter something we already know to be reality. I didn’t want to answer so he asked again; “if you were a guy getting to know a girl and you only called and texts like once a week. Why would you do that?”

I answered;

“I’d probably do that because I wasn’t that into her but wasn’t willing to let her be probably because of incentives like the opportunity to have sex once in a while, so I will create the distance, but reduce the frequency of contacts so she knows it’s not that kind of party”

Then he went, us guys are so simple but women refuse to believe us when our actions say what we are not bold enough to say……….there goes the light bulb moment and flash of clarity.

The problem is most times us women want to keep hope alive, even when the man has given us nothing to hold unto. Then before you know it you are the accidental booty-call, then one day he will wake up and tell you “we were not dating”. For me sex with men I’m getting to know can make me emotionally unavailable to other potentials and I don’t want that.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that flipping the situation can 
answer a lot of relationship questions. 

Let’s say I was a guy and I wasn’t making time for a woman I claim to like; I was sort of distant and will call her every once in a while and text her occasionally, why
would you do that?

It’s not rocket science. Let’s assume for a second he was away from his phone for whatever reason (very rare in this day and age), you got caught up and were busy doing something else; rotating your interest among several women or you weren’t that into her and didn’t feel any urgency to text back because you didn’t really care if she stuck around or not. Sometimes it could be a deliberate act for you to read the signs and not stick around.

Throughout my dating career, I have seen men act like this so often, me I just watch them and after a while rip the band-aid off and let it die a natural death.

Girls, next time you’re trying to understand why a guy is acting a certain way, flip things around and think of the reasons you might do said behaviour. I don’t even have the time to be wondering why a man is acting how he is, to me, his actions and inaction will tell me anything I need to know about his reality and I don’t argue with people’s reality, I take it for what it is. I will only feel bad if I broke my own rule of no sex until we know what we are doing. I have done it, and for a while it bothered me, but hey, we live and we learn daily. In case someone else “wants to screw up my perfect little life, I am not going there again, lol”.

I couldn’t believe I could do something like that sha, at least now I know that even I can break my own rule. Dating seems really confusing, but the answers are usually right in
front of us, we just choose to look the other way because sometimes the truth
hurts.

We ended the conversation with him saying “I am telling you this so that when we date, I was like no, “if” we date”, you can call me out on my bullshit, I will be willing to talk to you about how you feel, because sometimes, I am not deliberately trying to be an asshole, even when I am busy, and I am very busy I promise to talk about it”

And I was like on one condition, we are not hanging out in each other’s houses or enclosed places, I was celibate for over a year until, recently! I don’t want to have to count in both hands, it used to be one hand, and it’s now both hands, before I meet my “Ima”

Na wa o

ImaRose

FOR THE LOVE OF MONEY

Heyyyy guys, I know y’all did not miss me since ImaRose has been holding it down on the blog. My sincere apologies for not updating as much as I used to, NO, it has nothing to do with planning a wedding (like ImaRose likes to hint), however it is a case of me feeling like a fraud, writing as a single person in the dating world when I don’t exactly have the material to talk about, it won’t be original but then again maybe I am over thinking it.

Moving on…

Last weekend, I was with a group of brides-to-be at an event when one of the ladies asked a question regarding finances and marriage. According to her, it was a concern that she earned significantly more than her fiancé so she needed advice on how to handle the situation. Of course, the guests had one thing or the other to offer but one thing they failed to ask was ‘how has he been in the relationship?’

Questions like hers, is one of the reasons why a lot of young men would rather be single than marry someone they love just because she earns more than he does. One thing we need to do as women is learn not to over emphasize our financial independence…especially in a relationship, I mean how would you like it if your boyfriend was always reminding you how he earns more than you do or if some guy you’re talking to decides the reason he didn’t want to be with you is because you didn’t have a ‘lucrative job’, or every time you had a conversation, he would bring up your financial status as a major concern.

I mean if the bros in question is paying his own bills and isn’t asking you for money why should his financial status be a reason for alarm, it shows that he is responsible and even though he may not be where he is to pay for your ‘luxury life’, he will be able to pay for important things like house rent, e.t.c. Too many young women are looking for sugar daddies instead of husbands or partners to grow with. It just sounds strange when I hear things like this or maybe I am strange…

I remember when I heard some guy I liked at a point in my life said he had a problem with my profession because I didn’t have a ‘good paying’ job according to his standard so he didn’t think it would work and another guy blatantly said he was a doctor so he needed a wife in the medical field so their combined income could afford them a good life…therefore, Ms Gidi didn’t cut it.  Now that I think about it, they both had something in common, they wanted women from their states and were doctors, in summary, they were both short-sighted.

Regardless of their myopic view on life, I remember feeling a bit upset when i heard that which brings me to my question for the day, should the financial status of your partner (male or female matter especially when they take care of their bills without your help?. And for the men, if the woman of dreams, earned significantly more than you do, what would you do?

Love,

Chasing the 20

Every once in a while, I have very interesting conversations with strangers. Last week was one of those, when a younger guy whose crush for me could be perceived from across the Atlantic Ocean. I have been corresponding with someone who is moving to Nigeria to replace his predecessor for some diplomatic duties, clearly an older guy, but then he attached me to one of his 27-year-old assistants for efficient correspondence.

Eventually, he moved to Nigeria and I had to have a sit down with his assistant to go through certain documents. Little did I know that this boy was going to attempt to turn it into a date, while his ogas where they’re pretending to eat lunch and not notice. Thing is, I am not even going to lie; oyinbo man can make can make a woman feel all sorts of special, but he is too young jare.

In typical male style, he very quickly pushed the conversation into checking if I had a man by the cliché “I hope your boyfriend won’t be….” Statement. Well I let him know I didn’t have someone but between y’all and I, I am at that place in my life where I want happiness more than I want anything else. Like me he is sapiosexual so we delved deep into talking about the death of traditional courtship, the confusion of who should do what in a relationship, the forcefulness of women and how laid back and complacent men are becoming these days. Naturally, the conversation evolved to the 80/20 rule in choosing a partner.

The 80/20 rule basically says you will only get 80% of what you are looking for but like most men do after a while, they start thinking the grass could be greener on the other side instead of watering their own damn grass. Often times, they come across someone who is offering the 20%, but then that is all. The trick about that 20% is, it’s exciting at first but after a while it’s empty with no depth to it. The catch is, 20% looks good until you discover that’s all there is to it and then you find yourself missing that person who was your 80% percent. Hopefully, I made sense there sha.

By the way, did you know that Sweden has the highest rate of empowered women in the world, and it also ranks the highest in divorce rates in the world? The country is literally run by women, my young assistant oyibo toaster believes it’s because women are over empowered and act like men, thus confusing men who do not know how to act like men. At this point, I was like dear Jesus, why is he younger than me, and why isn’t he at least Naija, or half Naija? Fix it Jesus!

Back to the topic
Now unfortunately I think that some men believe that if they have the 80% as a main and subsidise the 20% as a side-piece they would be happy. Others on the other hand, like my ex, the unlucky guy will try to change women or impose things on the woman to make them 100%.

My ex, Mr Unlucky, used to tell me “don’t get upset if I cheat on you, all my friends go clubbing with their women and all you want to do is go home most of the time”. I don’t have an active party life, I used to try, but when he started fighting and threatening me about it, I just couldn’t be bothered. Then he said that his mum said I was not social, I go to their family house and not jump around talking to everyone, and in my mind I’m like here is a woman who said “oh but she is not light-skinned, I thought you preferred light-skinned girls” the first time she met me. Like didn’t he see my chocolate skin before coming to me? Yet, I never deceived this man into believing I was a party girl nor did I have an issue with him going as long as he is not creeping around on me we are cool. This was a man who didn’t exercise or bother about healthy eating like I am, but I was still ok with cooking him all his fatty food and stuff. We would even go on holiday and I would go hiking or to the museums alone because he didn’t want to go and I wouldn’t let him rain on my parade.

Gone are the days men used to complain about their women trying to change them, these days men are the ones doing all the changing, it’s like they want to get their women to fit into their idea of the perfect mould. That’s how last week, I was outside my house in a wrapper (as a nudist, I walk around in almost nothing, hence my collection of wrappers), was accosted by a grown man after saying goodbye to a special friend in a special way. This grown ass man who was watching, called me aside, I thought maybe he missed his way so I decided to walk over and help only for him to attempt some small talk and eventually ask for my number. I refused to give him my number and then he responded, “You are attractive but would have been better if you had breasts”.

 As in I stood there with my mouth open until he drove off, I was speechless, what won’t I see in this Lagos. First of all, I was obviously not heavily endowed or ‘packaged’ when he saw me initially so why would he make such a statement about having breasts, like he wanted me to be someone else. Abeg if you like big-breast, follow big-breast, if you like ass, hips follow it, if you love your women glamorous follow those ones, mbok, don’t expect your MaryAmaka to wake up and be Shakira because you said so. That’s how somebody will end up with a man like that, be all of his 80% and one day he will see a big breasted 20% and say that one is better than me.

We need to be honest with ourselves in this dating jungle, know what is our 80% and stick to it. Not all this what ifs or constant comparison to partners of the past or partners we wish we had. Chasing after the 20% is not going to do you any good, I mean look at Mr Unlucky, after we broke up, he tried to come back and his main reason was that he missed my homely nature, the same one he complained about o..hian!
At the end, Mr young assistant and I ended the night agreeing that the 80% was more important than the 20% but disagreeing on the fact that I am not attracted to oyinbo men. Now he is on a mission to make me his girlfriend…LOL…that won’t happen, at least not to a younger oyinbo boy.

Meanwhile have you noticed the increase in interracial relationships and marriages in Nigeria? Izz like, It’s the new trend….

Ah well

Imarose

 

LOGIC OVER FEELINGS

So recently a friend’s boyfriend was hosting some friends over and my friend invited me to crash the party, which I hijacked and turned into some late night into the AM tea party.

*side note* there should be a law against Nigerians who go to other people’s get-together or party, empty-handed. By the time I got there, all they had left was alcohol and I rescued them with cupcakes and of course my signature tea and lemon for the night-cap. There I happened to meet Mr G’s daughter, a girl who would have been my step-daughter but let me even gist you about her father, Mr G

Sometime last year, when I was transitioning from an abusive relationship to singleton, I met this hot stud in Ikoyi traffic, cutting eye for me and trying to make me stop, dude gave his complimentary card to a street seller to give me, but I returned his card with mine, there was no way I was going to spend my credit to call him because he had a nice car. Mr G eventually called me two days after that episode, I had totally forgot about giving him my card so our first conversation was quite short.

That conversation was the start of Mr G in my life. Initially, I was very dismissive, but dude had special anointing for patience. Obviously I was not looking for a relationship but hey as a woman of course I enjoyed the attention I got.

If I by accident said I liked something, he’d get it and send to my office as a surprise. Mr G would give me BNatural spa vouchers during that time of the month to go for body scrubs and massages. *another side note* Dear Nigerian men, find out what a woman likes instead of trying to get her fat with dinner and ice-cream. Some of us appreciate the little things more than a Prada bag, mbok. Wait ooo, Prada is nice, but little things are romantic and more thoughtful.   This man knew I was a sucker for the little things, and he went above and beyond with the flowers, teas and spa vouchers. What didn’t Mr G do?

The problem was, at the time Mr G was about 50 years old, divorced with three children …adult children with the oldest being four years younger than I am. At that age, this man knew how ‘woo’ a woman, from sending flowers at least once a week to my office, sending me surprise lunches, sending his driver with a note for lunch in some coded spot in this Lagos. Mr G did it all, remaining small he could have sent a chopper to air-lift me from Lagos traffic.

I had told him from day one, I wasn’t going to sleep with him, but he kept doing all the right things, just to see how far he could push it, but nothing; my state of mind was too upside-down to even think of having random sex with anyone, either young or old.

When he realised I was not bulging, he resorted to sending me pictures of rings because he had fallen in love with me and he wanted to marry me. He then became extra possessive and protective which made it funny because I was not his girlfriend. One time, he got really upset because I went on a date with a ‘potential’, look eh,  ImaRose is www.nothing2hide.com.ng, dating you does not mean I am in a relationship with you, same goes for talking or sending kissy emojis so what I do and how I choose to spend my time is really none of your business until you take the step as a man and ask me out the proper way and I agree to be your girlfriend.

Back to Mr G, after a while, I started thinking; maybe it won’t be such a bad idea, I mean regardless of the 20 plus age difference, he didn’t look it and he was caring. So we started having the full disclosure of expectation discussion, the whole-nines; intimacy, finance, future kids, current kids e.t.c. I am someone who wants to know what I am getting into especially in a case like this, I mean what was his relationship with the ex-wife, because if they are still battling it out, I don’t want any part of it, does he welcome the idea of more kids and if yes, how many? what exactly was he looking for or was I to be his trophy woman? It as important that I knew these things and I advise every woman to do the same.

A little history, my mother had me before she got married and to her displeasure, her family forced her to have me then took me away from her so she wouldn’t see me as a barrier to living her own life. Two years later she met and married her husband, but I was always treated as the additional extra. As a child it hurt my feelings, so I grew up not liking her because her husband made her feel like having an external child was shameful which affected her decisions once I was involved.

Luckily,  my grandparents loved me and shielded me from that environment until I was almost a teenager. So, I have lived that life and I know what it is, and I would not feel comfortable if I was with a man who had children but wasn’t involved their lives for any reason.

Who else saw that picture of Alicia Keys, her husband Swizz beats, their two kids together, Swizz Beats’ older kids from his previous marriage and the Swizz Beats’ ex wife and her boyfriend on holiday together? I could totally do something like that. Life is too short, mbok!

So, I asked Mr G if he saw himself having more kids and how many, Mr G was like “oh no, no more kids for me, I can’t be changing diapers or doing school runs at this age”. Hmmmm…let’s just say I had to end it right there because that life was not what I wanted for myself.

Funny thing is, he never understood why I would shut him down like that despite the gifts, trips, e.t.c. He was used to younger single women, offering themselves based on his wooing skills but not this single woman.

See eh, as Miss Gidi likes to hammer into my ears these days, it is important that you know the life you want as a woman, that way you will know who you can live that kind of life. This relationship thing is clearly a combination of attraction, feelings and logic.

Can my Ima find me already because babe is getting tired of all this

LANDING THE RIGHT MAN

Guys I apologise for being consistently inconsistent these days, truth is, I am working on a lot of things even while on vacation, it almost feels like I am biting more than I can chew but when one is a budding policy-maker, one is everyone’s go-to house-girl for policy/research related issues, most of the time, for free, but in Nigeria, we call it “sowing seeds for your future”. Not even going to lie, Ima is really enjoying this her time away from a 9-5, vacation where she no run go ‘the abroad’ to spend money, I still wake up to my alarm clock, roll over and continue sleeping or go and exercise if I had enough sleep. I cook, a lot these days, until you have had my unripe plantain porridge, you haven’t had a good one, yes I am actually boasting!

It’s funny how my friends are more worried about my single status than I am, sometimes I actually forget that I am no longer a spring-chicken. You know they say ‘Gemini’ are externally kids and in my case, that won’t be a lie, I mean one is the big 3.0 next year, and still sulks when a date rain checks on one. I just learnt what rain check meant two days ago, lol! I am proud of myself.

Recently, our very own Miss Gidi, played a fast one on me with an arrangee that took me a while to figure out for what it was. It was very pleasant, sweet and pleasing to the eyes and I am still blushing from it, that’s all y’all need to know, lol!…in her defence, I harassed her into introducing me to someone since she is too busy with wedding planning.

On another note, I have this friend (we’ll call her Spice) that’s  been trying to hook me up with her boyfriend’s friend for a while now. I declined the offer, and months ago she said, she was too concerned for me and that her boyfriend who proposed without a ring, had said once they get married she would not hang around single ladies again. In my sarcastic manner, I told her my lawyers would contact be in touch soon to process our no-hard-feelings-unfriendship.

So in order to avoid this unfriendship, she decided it was time to urge me on to consider her bae’s friend. According to her, he was every inch a potential husband and he was actively looking for a wife not dating around. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and but she kept insisting, so I told her the light version of why not her bae’s friend which is ‘we just don’t click, maybe it’s me’, but here’s the raw version.

Usually, I am very weary of who wants to hook me up especially when your relationship is not working, no thanks! Any man who behaves like Spice’s boyfriend will not have the kind of man I like as friends, birds of a feather flock together, true story.

Spice’s boyfriend will be out with Spice and some random chick will walk up to him and say, you never called me back and he won’t remember how and where he met her, but he will tell Spice, she must be some chick he has had sex with, he managed to convince her that he loves her, but his nature is a more prevalent force he cannot control, to Spice, love doesn’t negate cheating. Spice is the kind of girl that goes to her boyfriend’s house with her own pillow, sheets, and duvet cover, because she doesn’t want to sleep on sex sweat from side-pieces. Spice said, a man sleeping with random chics is nothing to worry about, but when it is a particular girl, there is reason to pray and fast against strange women.  Don’t ask me mbok, I don’t understand it too, but how about respect? I wish a n*** would, rubbish!

Fast and pray ko, my mates are finding solutions to their immediate world’s problem, I should pray and fast for a man not to leave me for another? Abasi akan (God forbid). God doesn’t answer those kinds of prayers; God is too busy to focus on manipulation.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, I am talking to my oyinbo friend who called me for some girl talk on something she was going through in her marriage. As my therapy session, I mean, girl-chat ended, Spice broke down crying, saying, her bae, the same one who proposed without a ring, keeps breaking up with her, saying, he doesn’t think he is good enough for her, how she deserves better, and could do way better than him. Dude even said he fears, he might run away and leave her one day should they go ahead with the marriage that has no plan, details or anything fixed.

I wasn’t surprised, in my mind, I was like any man who proposes without a ring, is as unserious as unserious can be, maybe it was in the heat of some mind-blowing sex, because why else will a man propose without ring?

As I probed further to find out why she didn’t ask for a ring or want to know when this wedding shall be, Spice, wailed. And then said, he said he didn’t want to draw attention until he had saved up enough money to give her a befitting ring and grand dream wedding ceremony.

Worse load of ish I have heard in my entire life. What is a dream wedding, sef? My own dream wedding is 50 close friends and family at the court, dinner for 100 later followed by thanksgiving in church, and then we can honeymoon for 4 weeks and have amazing sex in some exotic locations around the world, what could be better than that?. Spending excessively on a lavished ceremony is waste of resources…Miss Gidi wait oh! we still plan to turn up for yours so don’t cut down, DJ Xclusive maybe?

So Spice ended the conversation with, ‘he benefits more from this relationship than I do from him’, when I pressed further, it turned out that she bought him a piece of land,  paid for the survey and planning, and apparently, this was the same time, the deadbeat pulled the ring-less spur of the moment engagement stunt…shebi I talk am…there had to be some motivation for that nonsense.

Now she’s back at square one, crying a river, if I talk now, they will say I don’t understand because I don’t have a man so this time I have absolutely nothing to say

But my fellow single ladies, if a man lives in Egbeda and you love him, live there with him until he is able to come up with an upgrade, only ever, contribute or plan with a man who is your husband, not a boyfriend, not even fiance mbok. Some men are wired to derive joy and ego from being heads and leaders, if you buy land for a man, he will take it as he should and build a life with a woman who accepts his present state in life and allows him to be a man.

If a man wants to be with you, no ex, side babes, friends with benefits, friends having hope, can keep him away, if he doesn’t, there is nothing you can do to keep him…not even 10 plots in Banana Island

I rest my case

Imarose

Chilvary is Dead, but whose fault is it?

I know what you are thinking, sorry naaaa, ImaRose went from swamped with workload and barely having time for herself in the last two weeks, and now she is back to being centred.

Recently while playing the waiting game for some foolishness in the midst of five guys, my tired mind started listening to their conversation on how women these days are no longer women and now want to be men, and then I brought out my phone and made some pointer notes for my comeback post. As a woman, who always wants to learn and see things from a guy’s perspective so I can be a better woman to my future bae,

I love listening to a bunch of guys gist about us women and everything that makes us women; the goodness, sexiness and the occasional madness.

Sidenote: One of my male friends just told me about this unicorn he is dating, who’s just about perfect and hasn’t shown  any occasional madness so far, and I asked “not even pre, post or during PMS” and he said no, so I asked him to have her immortalized and sent to a lab at Stanford for research because clearly she has to be a UNICORN.

Dear men, if you’re dating a woman beyond four months and you haven’t seen her occasional madness, she is a pretender (the dangerous kind sef).

I am not referring to dramatic women who constantly want to argue, fight or start something, what I mean is after a while, a real woman is going to be herself around you; she’ll be moody, cranky, seek approval, crave unusual attention when she feels one-kind particularly during that time of the month. I cried last month in my car when one yeye bus driver won’t shift at an intersection so I can branch off where I was going. And single girls who find themselves crying in the shower for no reason say AMEN!

Okay, I am getting carried away…

These days the term “lady” gets thrown around a lot doesn’t it?  What does it mean to be a lady? Well, it certainly doesn’t mean the same thing it used to … or does it?  The whole feminist movement has changed the way women and men interact and how women want to be treated. Women like Beyonce and Chimamanda who are both married and have a kid or pregnant are telling women that they don’t need a man, how very silly.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not implying that a man completes or makes me a better person, but I believe that both men and women were created for intimacy, real intimacy, the kind that tinder, money, business or the prevalent hookup culture can NEVER replace. I don’t know about y’all but I want real intimacy, the exclusive kind in my life.

Mbok Feminists, before you throw your bras at me, wait a minute!

Your movement has paved the road for some great things for women as well as lifting the level of respect and equality to a new level especially in the workforce. However, such opportunity should not be an excuse for us to want to compete with men, struggle for power and control in a relationship unit or not want to submit to your own man. And for the record submission does not imply slavery instead it means showing respect…but moving on

In my opinion, only insecure women think of themselves as less than by honouring and respecting their own men.  There’s nothing wrong with a woman being able to take care of herself and do what she wants without a man but these days, women have allowed cliché feminist statements brainwash them into thinking that they don’t need companionship, intimacy, the fuzzy feeling of feeling protected and provided for by someone else other than themselves ..that they don’t need a man.

I am not saying be needy or clingy but when you put out the wrong energy what do you expect to get in return? Think about it, what do you expect to get in return when all you do is brag about not needing a man?  I always try to imagine, why in God’s name would I not want a man who just loves the hell of me, to call me, flirt with me when I am not annoying him, stay with me in the kitchen while I cook, pray with me on Skype when he is away e.t.c. But these days, because of how women are behaving men don’t do these things anymore, why should they? When we no longer have space in our lives for them…when we have made it an equal playing ground for us to be on the same level.

I have learnt that men need to be needed just as much as us women need to be! Last week, I went to this posh women’s  fellowship in Ikoyi, and I listened to this 34-year-old girl talk about her rules and regulations and how a man who kept secrets from her hasn’t matured in ‘love’ and I thought to myself, I hoped this madam would just realise that if a man hid or lied about how much he earned, then there was something he was insecure about or he maybe he didn’t trust her judgement.

Truth be told, Yes some men lie but as I watched her complain and start bragging about how well she was doing for herself, how independent she was, how she didn’t need a man per se but she saw a guy who needed some help climbing up the ladder, I was tempted to say “honey, maybe you are the problem”.  

Personally, I want to be treated like a real lady and I want a man to be a perfect gentleman with me, be or learn my kind of romantic; I want a man to open the door for me, I want a man to give me his seat on the bus, I want a man to pull out my chair, I want roses for no reason, I want us to cook together, watch anything together, hike, bae-cation, the whole nineyards.  I know what it means.  It means I have to also act like a real woman … to take care of my man how he feels loved and respected…okay enough with the hollywood imagination but you get what I mean.

I would like nothing more than to make my man feel like the king of his castle, keep him happy and satisfied.  Tell me … what is wrong with that? NOTHING!!  Yes, you heard right!! I’m not ashamed to say it and it doesn’t make me less of an independent woman.

It’s just my choice … everyone can choose their path, this is the one that I want.  I have a good job, my own house and a nice car and do I NEED a man to support me? No way!  But I do need a man to take care of me, physically and emotionally and love me unconditionally, while knowing his role as the man in my life and head of the home.

Ladies, let’s be very honest with ourselves, we need men in our lives, whether you can change the tyres or lightbulbs, you’d still want someone who can do it for you so you don’t have to bother (or pay)…so instead of making wrong choices and picking weak men, look at yourself, figure out who you are and then the ‘kind’ of man who can be your head, that you can ‘submit’ to….me for one I know that I am a strong woman so I cannot settle for an anyhow man who I cannot respect on a normal day.

So my Ima, are you out there?  My true gentleman? My knight in shining armor? If you’re out there … your woman is waiting for you! Find me soon, lets Bonnie and Clyde till eternity ends…..

Have a great week guys,

ImaRose

CAN YOU BE SINGLE AND HAPPY? – Discovery with Glory

I absolutely love Glory Edozien, she’s one of the realest and coolest people I know. The topic of being Single and Happy is one that is often discussed especially for single women in the Nigerian society. In describing her latest vlog, Glory said

Single and happy? Isn’t that an oxymoron? The rush to the altar is real, happiness is tied to saying I do and those who haven’t said the sacred vows are banished to the land of misery until the knight in shinning armour turns up and gives us the kiss of life that is marriage….

Marriage is a wonderful thing and is definitely on my prayer list, amongst other things, however there is much to be said for living in the now. As a woman who is currently single, I have learnt the importance of loving and enjoying every part of my life, even as I wait for the things I don’t have now. I have learnt to be secure in the knowledge of my future and to stop second guessing and plotting to arrive at a certain destination.

In this video, Glory shares her personal insights on being happy while single, something every single person either male or female, needs to know

Did she leave something out? or do you disagree with some of the points made? Don’t forget to subscribe to her YouTube Channel for more inspiring videos