WHY DO MARRIED MEN CHEAT BY EJAY

Don’t blame me for asking, it’s just a thought that keeps popping into my head every now and again that needs to be answered. Am I married? NO I’m not but don’t you think a single lady like me should do a little bit of research before settling down…eventually
 
First of all, why won’t some married men wear their wedding rings? The exchange of wedding rings signifies a vow to stay and love each other forever and ever. But these days most of these ‘men’ intentionally leave their matrimonial homes without their wedding rings in order to catch new fish i.e single ladies like me who may assume that these men are ready and ripe for plucking (yes men get plucked too…allow me here!). For example, I was on my way to work from Victoria Island and was waiting for the next available ‘keke napep’ to take me to the bus stop when a car pulled over to offer a ride; I know it’s not good to get into a stranger’s car especially in this Lagos and strange stories of ritual killings but I was running late to work and I needed to get to that bus stop quick, so I did a quick prayer and hopped in for a short trip.
 
He was a good looking young man (I mean why else would I hop into his car in the first place) and he had no ring on. After my quick discovery, I settled in with the possibility of making a new friend, ‘cause in Lagos you never know who knows who and can help you out in future even if he is not your future husband. Everything was going fine until he mentioned his wife and his son; and immediately I went from a happy flirty single lady to the irritated grumpy sad girl. Any single lady who has experienced this would totally understand what I the felt at my further discovery. And it brings up the question, why won’t they just wear their wedding rings for Pete’s sake?
 
Then there are these married men who enjoy having affairs with single women. I’m not talking old aristo men, I mean young, not more than 10 years in marriage. These men find it very easy to inform single ladies that they, the men, are married but still have no problem with having an extra woman in their lives (wedding ring or not). They could care less and they are quick to spend time, attention and gifts on these single women who may end up being caught up in this little thing.
 
It makes me wonder, what their wives are doing wrong and what should I be doing right for my future husband to stay faithful to me in marriage. I spoke to a few married friends and they gave me the numerous reasons why they would or have cheated on their wives.
 
1.  Adventure: Most men love adventure; they like to explore, see or try new things, adrenaline chasers and all in all they are just fun lovers. Which is why some spend years being players before finally succumbing to societal pressures to get married.
2.   Before/After Marriage Sense: A lot of married men complain that their wives become ‘unsexy’ and ‘unromantic’ after marriage, actually what they mean is that they miss the sex on call when they were dating because now they may be one or two kids involved and additional responsibilities that come with marriage.  Let’s not forget that some of these men end up adding a few kilos and lose all sense of romance after exchanging their vows; after all, they’ve caught the fish so there’s no point wooing the fish all over again.
 
3.      Nagging: Apparently there are a lot of women that nag, as a matter of fact the stereotype is that all married women nag which is why a lot of married men cheat. 
 
4.  Karma is a b****:  somehow these men believe that what they do is a payback for whatever their wives would have done in the past, they have now assumed the position of ‘karma’ ….absolutely stupid and ridiculous in my opinion.
 
5.     Long distance: some couples are in long distance marriages due to one reason or the other which gives the men the chance to roam the streets of Lagos without their wedding rings and claiming the bachelor title. ‘Body no bi firewood’ they say so they need to keep mind body and soul together.
 

Honestly I believe men are like little boys who had the freedom for as long as they wanted under the lines of ‘they are boys, leave them!’  while the little girls had to be ‘tamed’ to be responsible older women. I can’t figure it out any more, It’s just too complicated but for a start can all married men please wear their wedding rings!

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Ejay is  a lover of the arts, she loves a good laugh, a night out gisting with friends or dancing. She is also an avid romantic who is often in search of a good adventure and never afraid to meet new people. 

AND WE SHALL MANHUNT IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD

Nigeria is full of young women, out of school, successful, entrepreneurial and ready to take on the world except that according to society, there is one major thing missing, the ‘MRS’ title. So they turn to random dates, recommendations from family and friends, the occasional social media hook-ups but most of all they turn to God and the church, hoping to find a man in the church, actually what I mean is going to church to find a ‘man’.
While having a conversation with a group of single Christian women, one of the things that came up was the search for a spouse especially one that had the ‘fear of God’. It amazed me that about 90% of the ladies on that table believed that the best place to manhunt was in the house of the Lord. Each of them had picked ‘popular Lagos church brands’ to be active members so they could be noticed by the eligible bachelors in the church. Like most validation stories go, everyone had their testimonies to share on how this had worked for Sisters Titi, Uju and Amina. Some others shared their strategy of attending different churches so they could meet different types of bachelors, from the happening Pentecostal church on the mainland to the Catholic one on the island that supposedly has a lot of ‘oil money’, I mean what better man to find than one that’s rich and loves God.
This is where I insert my disclaimer; I am not saying a church is not a good place to find the man of your dreams, after all we meet people in different spaces and places but what I am saying is going to church with the main purpose of finding a man is absolutely ridiculous and in a way a mockery of the church. So what happens if you find God and not a man in that church, do you switch churches, do you have an agreement with God, what exactly do you do?
I tend to liken a church to a hospital obviously not in every aspect but you could argue that they have certain similarities. A hospital is where you find people with various ailments, some severe and some not, looking for treatment from the doctor; very much so a church, where you find people with spiritual ailments, some severe and some not, looking for treatment from the ‘man of God’. But I haven’t heard of women choosing hospitals to go to because of the type of eligible bachelors that use them …well not yet as we know in Nigeria nothing is impossible and I have heard of a lady who applied to companies for a marriage progression instead of a career one.
* A lot of young women who have these motive of searching for a ‘money making, church going man’ most times fall prey to men who are in search of redemption themselves and end up with stories that touch the heart. It’s pretty much like attending Lagos weddings these days, it’s no longer about the couple but about the small chops (which I love) and the friends of the groom (male friends of course). In churches, it is no longer about God for some people, it’s about what and who they can get; everyone hiding behind the makeup, good clothes, bible quoting sessions and people throwing all caution in the air (especially single sisters) because in their words ‘he attends my church’ then he must be good.
I honestly would like to know who started this trend, when finding men became the main purpose of going to church and not finding God, when women got dressed, joined the choir or ushering departments so they could be noticed, yelled the loudest hallelujahs and offered to be prayer partners when they themselves needed prayers. Ok I think I am ranting now but maybe some churches need to edit the grace and end it with ‘and we shall manhunt in the house of the Lord forever and ever’….then again who am I to judge.

LOVE ON WHEELS

Lagos is back in full swing and by full swing I mean, the Israelite journey from the mainland to the island has begun. As a true lagosian that was unable to travel anywhere during the holidays, you learn to appreciate the free roads and somewhat smooth drives you have when most of the easterners have returned to their villages for the break. But this is not about that, it’s about something else. 
 
If there’s ever a time I would meet ‘the one’, I doubt it would be in Lagos traffic especially on a Monday morning. Yup I said it! There’s no way I would find love in traffic. One of my favourite driving past time is watching the facial expressions of those driving especially when trying to maneuver their way out of a bottle neck. It is absolutely hilarious ! 
 
Both men and women, married or single put on the ‘warrior’ face, clenching their steering wheels, occasionally tightening their lips and are often prepared to throw out insults at any sight of reckless driving that could damage or dent their cars. There’s absolutely nothing about being a gentleman or lady when driving in these streets of Lagos I tell you. 
 
I mean if I were a young man, I wouldn’t think of ways to ‘toast’ a babe on third mainland bridge or imagine toasting the fine babe that just kissed her teeth and spread her palm very wide insulting the other driver’s father in one word… ‘Waka!’
 
In Lagos, you need a traffic alter ego. The person you become the moment you start your car and begin  your day’s journey. This alter ego is most times far from the cute, nice and semi-innocent girl you want to appear as when a potential suitor looks your way. I’m yet to give a name to my traffic alter ego, but I can tell you that she’s rough, fast, stubborn and fearless…guess I’ll call her Charlene. 
 
People are often themselves when they drive as well, from picking noses to slapping weaves, you find all sorts that could deter anyone from getting to know the other.  Maybe someday I would hear of a couple that met while driving on traffic. I would really want to know what happened and how … But for now I know I wouldn’t even try to talk to Charlene if I were a guy. 

THE HYPOCRISY OF BORN AGAIN BROTHERS

Or maybe the title should be the problems with some born again brothers. You decide while I write 
 
I sincerely believe that some born again brothers have listened to one too many sermons on marriages and strange spirits that they have developed a phobia to commit. Instead of taking out time to know a woman as friends with no strings attached, they go the whole nine yards for a few months/ years before  claiming not to have gotten a confirmation from God or found inner peace as they walk away, breaking hearts and putting all the blame on God. But this is not about those brothers, it’s about the one that use this excuse as a trick to be players because we all know every girl wants a good Christian boy. 
 
Don’t get me wrong o, I understand the importance of getting the go ahead from God as a Christian but what confuses me is that these men do not seem to ask God’s permission before toasting the chic , making out with her and possibly having sex before saying oh God hasn’t given me a go ahead to commit. They conveniently forget all about God when they give in to their fleshly desires and then blame the devil for bringing such temptation their way. 
 
Someone needs to tell them that enough is enough. Enough with the hypocrisy and lies when all you want to do is sleep with chic and appear like a Godly brother while you’re buried inside her as she calls the name of The Lord in a not so Godly manner. 
 
And even if that’s not your intention then stay true to your belief by keeping your hands to yourselves when you get close to her. Do not come with the good boy angle only to walk away like a chicken with words like ‘our spirits don’t connect’ … Really though?! 
 
Before you step up to the chic biko pray from afar, get your confirmation or remain the brother in Christ. And if your mission is to be a heart breaker, remember these words 
 
What you sow is what you reap
 
Ok I am done ranting … 

SAY NO TO RECKLESSNESS!

“You look bigger in person, you must have been eating all the Nigerian delicacies since you got back”…

This, my friends,  was the first thing a young man said when he saw me in person after days of ogling over my Facebook pictures and listening to me speak on the phone. It was supposed to be our first date and just as I was about to sit down, he uttered those words. My reaction? Well, I smiled and started counting down to the end of the date (in my head of course).
Every woman (and some men) knows that with the right angle, you could look smaller in pictures, maybe not significantly smaller but the right pout could make your face slimmer than a full smile…Anyway, before you think I am HUGE, let me put the disclaimer out there; I am a UK14/ US10 and I happen to be 5ft 9.5 inches tall so technically I am not round in shape, a few extra handles that Shaun T’s Hip-hop abs can handle if only I would be disciplined and stick to the schedule but my weight or appearance is not the topic here.
It amazes me how reckless a lot of Nigerian men can be when they speak to single women, they are sometimes very quick to say things that could be offensive and insensitive without thinking of the consequence. I understand that we have a very ‘frank’ culture in Nigeria but in the dating world, this so called frankness doesn’t work.
After one conversation, they are quick to call you dear, hun and love which usually comes before the sexually awkward jokes that makes you try to recall exactly when you met this person in question. I am not a snob and I do enjoy a good joke but I find it difficult to understand why anyone would try to guess my cup size in our second conversation based on my BBM display picture. I wish I was exaggerating that scenario but somehow dude found a way to randomly guess my cup size while we were talking about the economic situation of the country (ok maybe not exactly that topic but you get my point), I remember looking at my blackberry screen when I saw the words ‘So you must be like a 38F right?’. Like really? Who does that? How does that affect the price of garri in the market? Or the Nigerian inflation rate? And to think I was fully covered in the picture in question, and no I am not a 38F!
Someone needs to let our men know that it is not right to say things without thinking, that commenting on any woman’s physical features, who you are not related or close to, can be awkward, offensive, insensitive and/or insulting; that a personal space is ‘personal’ and you shouldn’t see a need to stroke her weave or hold her waist when you technically have to right to; that calling her boo, dear, hun after your first conversation is a breach of personal space. And finally, even if you are thinking it, do not say it because now she’ll think you are an ass and would never return your calls or reply your text messages.
Needless to say Mr Nigerian Delicacies would not be hearing from me again…

THE CONTRACEPTIVE EXPERIENCE

I am yet to figure out what’s worse as a single girl in Lagos, walking into a pharmacy to buy a pack of condoms or walking into a pharmacy to buy the morning- after- pill popularly known as Postinor 2. One says ‘Yup, I’m active and protective’ while the other says ‘oops, I did it but I’m not trying to get pregnant’. Whichever the case, the look you get from the attendant is something that no young woman would want to experience.
 
In a country that is sexually active and you can tell from the number of children being born daily, I find it amazing how we are still very shy when it comes to talking about sex or acknowledging the fact that people do have sex in Nigeria. Sex education is something that is frowned upon and even adults pretend to live in ignorance on the matter. Like most things in Nigeria though, there is a double standard when it comes to sex.
 
Single guys do not understand what I mean by the pharmacy experience, because they proudly walk into the store or pharmacy, ask for a pack of condoms, pay with a smile on their faces and walk away, like nothing happened. To them it’s a normal experience and the only form of judgement they could get is the size of condoms they choose to buy (which is why most opt for the large and extra-large). For the single ladies on the other hand, it’s a whole new ballgame, you have to walk in, hover around the pharmacy, make sure there aren’t a lot of people around and then you ask in a quiet voice close to a whisper for a pack of condoms or the morning-after-pill. While doing this, you do not keep eye contact with the attendant because most likely they would be staring at you to take note of your face and as soon as you are given ‘the substance’, you quickly pay and walk away as fast as you can away from the store. God forbid, there is one married or elderly woman who watched your purchase…chei, if looks could kill?!
 
While guys can walk into the same pharmacy every week to buy different types and flavours of condoms, single women have to change location for the fear of being tagged as the ‘promiscuous ‘ girl or ‘ashewo’ (whatever word you fancy).  In most cases, they never use the types of Health Plus or Med Plus; instead they would rather go to the local ‘chemist’ who needs the additional sale anyway. In Nigeria stores/pharmacies, you learn that you’re being judged by what’s in your shopping basket/cart.
 
This is quite different when you have a ring on your finger though (by ring I mean if you are married) because in this case, you are just seen as a woman is not ready to have children and you will get the respect you deserve. I know this because I have tried this experiment and both experiences are very different I tell you. While most pharmacy/store attendants give you the judgemental look without the ring, with the ring on the other hand, they are quick to say ‘Yes, Ma’, ‘OK, Ma’ and if you push your luck, you could get recommendations too. It proves one thing that in Nigeria, everything sexual is okay as long as you are a guy or a married woman.
 
So to all the fellow single women in Nigeria, if you have a problem with the ‘look’ when you want to get your contraceptives, simply invest in a ‘fake’ wedding band and everything would be alright.
 
As they say, fake it till you make it. 

YOU CAN CALL ME MISS AMAZING…

Rare, one of a kind, one in a million, outstanding, incredible, a true friend…because apparently that’s what I have become, not like I am complaining but they are only names given to me by guys who have decided I am only good enough as a friend…yes my people, I have been friend zoned more than once in my lifetime.
 
I find it funny when guys claim women can never be friend zoned when in reality they say they are searching for a good girl while they have a ton of ‘amazing’ women around them that they have put aside as ‘too good for them’. My question is what the hell are you looking for? And why do you walk pass a good thing that’s staring you right in your face?
 
In the last few months, I have gotten the ‘thank you for being a good friend’ speech, ‘I have strong feelings for you’, ‘you are an amazing woman’ but somehow I am still single and the one that all these single young men come running to when they need emotional support. There’s something I am obviously doing wrong here and I need to find it and stop. 
 
My friends claim I am too nice, too entertaining and too tolerant, that men have a problem with women that are perfect and need a bit of drama in their lives. I am in no way saying I am perfect but is a sister supposed to be mean for the hell of it, like get upset for no reason, curse and cause an uproar just so she’s seen as dramatic enough for a relationship.
 
Others claim I am too smart, opinionated, too intelligent, and men don’t want a woman that knows more than they do so they would rather such a woman as a friend for intelligent conversation but nothing more. So what’s a girl supposed to do? Act dumb? Pretend not to know how many countries there are in Africa or that she doesn’t know how to use Google to join a conversation when she is absolutely clueless.
 
Honestly it is a bit difficult to understand why all the amazing women are single and the not so amazing ones are snagging up the men. This dating world is confusing i tell you but while we’re at it, you might as well put your best flaw forward…

ARISTO NATION: WHY GOOD GIRLS WANT TO GO BAD

I was doing my rounds of gossip blogs (yes i read gossip blogs) and I came across this post on Lindaikeji on Caroline Danjuma and her new pictures. I must say Caroline is one beautiful woman but what really caught my eye was the comments especially this one 
 
There seems to be a notion that good girls are always carrying last and the so called bad ones are the ones who settle down quicker with the men of their dreams. It doesn’t matter if they are the second or third wives like in the cases of some of the women mentioned in the comment, what matters is that they were married and ‘settled’ in their husband’s houses who in most cases are wealthy men, I mean how else would they qualify as Aristos. 

If you like laugh but this babe like many other girls have vexed and is not willing to hide it anymore. Too many girls are dulling in the name of being good and somehow the other not so ‘good girls’ are cashing in on the cash cows and getting a better life, both young and old. It is absolutely unfair and unjust in this life of ours….but anyway back to the topic at hand. 

Aristos are also known as Sugar Daddies, men who typically support younger women financially in exchange for something usually sexual. My definition may not be correct but it’s the well known and well accepted one especially in Nigeria. Rarely do aristos marry the younger women that they have relationships with but in cases where they do, these girls become the envy of most of their friends regardless of the age difference between the men and the young girls in question. 

You could go on to say well these men are old enough to be the young ladies’ fathers or elderly uncles but somehow with the economic situation and dating wahala of younger men  in Nigeria you can’t blame supposed good girls who want to go bad in the name of settling down with a bright future. Some of the reasons include:

  1. You will always be the younger one. At least you’ll never have to worry about him leaving you for a younger woman… unless of course he’s interested in dating  the girls yet unborn. 
  2. What’s the point of a broke Aristo, actually they do not exist so as long as you have an Aristo, you’ll always be financially secure. I know it doesn’t sound very sexy and it makes you sound like a gold digger but let’s be real nobody wants to manage in this life. 
  3. You will always have a bank of wisdom to draw from, as an older man he would have a wealth of experience and as they say ‘What an old man sees sitting down, a young man cannot see standing up’
  4. If you hit the right jackpot, you may find yourself with an Aristo that knows how to pamper you as a princess and show you what chivalry really means. Some occasional trips to exotic places, expensive gifts, dinners and knowing when to tell you how beautiful you are and lucky he is to have a pretty young thing like you.
So if you ever wondered why anyone would want to date a man twice their age well now you do, as for me I am still willing to give the young men a chance, something about taking care of a man as old as my father just eerks me….or maybe I am not ready to hang my good girl boots.

FIRST OF ALL…

I suppose I should introduce myself, I am a twenty something year old lady living in Nigeria and as the blog name implies, I happen to be single. 

 
Being single in Nigeria especially in Lagos is indeed an experience that makes you wonder what planet you are on, hence the blog. As a single (as in no boyfriend sef) young lady in naija, this blog acts as a journal and collection of events which I experience in the name of dating, love and the ultimate goal of being married. 
 
Anyway, I’m a lover of the arts and jazz, a foodie at heart and I go to sleep listening to love songs. I wish I could say more but I think that’s enough for now. 
 

THIS IS MY YEAR!

Preparation for the annual crossover service is usually a day-long event in my house. This year it’s a bit different because my slave masters a.k.a employers have let me close earlier than usual, a luxury that I intend to maximize. Service is from 9pm till midnight and for some reason a good part of the day is centered on BBM shout-outs and dedications. Suddenly we all remember the friends that have been there for us but as a single Nigerian girl; it’s a time to reflect on relationships but good and bad but most of all, another year which has come to an end and you still remain single…very single.
On another note, I also try to figure out what I would be wearing into 2014, ’cause no one really wants to look bad when counting down into another year. It remains a mystery why we women put a lot of emphasis into our New Year’s Eve outfit though, does the way we dress have anything to do with what the new year would bring?, or is another commercial stunt that has brainwashed women across the globe? I know in Nigeria there’s always the hope of meeting the ‘one’ cause as they say, it can happen anytime especially since a few brothers stray into church right before midnight to countdown in a tipsy state before heading out to the nearest club/bar where they celebrate and forget every prayer and promise they made to God to be better people in the new year…Anyway I digress
Also in churches, everybody seems to be prophetic on New Year’s Eve so I have learnt to mentally prepare myself for all the prayers that would be coming my way and remember to say Amen when the blessings for marriage come for fear of being scolded. Four years ago, I chose not to say Amen to one of the women in church during her marriage rants and ended up with another thirty minutes sermon/lecture on why I should be prepared, ready and prayerful. I was going to tell her that I was only going to turn 24 and marriage was the last thing on my mind but the bible taught me to have wisdom, so I apologized, said her much requested Amen before running away.
At the stroke of midnight and with excitement in the air, I walk across the church wishing everyone a happy new year. This is a calculated move because most times you only get the unrequested prayers and sermons when they come to you. Married people and elderly women are usually the ones to avoid on nights like these because even the men who are known for being womanizers would be offering you prayers of marriage and finding the right man for you. I left church with quotes such as ‘this is your year’, ‘the man will find you this year’, ‘you will move into your husband’s house this year’ and my favourite ‘go and bring the man this year’….yea!
Phone calls and messages all have a common theme on New Year’s Day; even my first love chewing gum love, who is now married was quick to say 2014 would be the year of my marriage. I should have asked him what made him so sure, especially since he got married to someone else and now has a daughter but it’s a new year and in cliché fashion I do not want to carry over any drama so I simply say an Amen and ask him to introduce me to any respectable single male friend that he may have. It’s always good to show maximum interest in such matters.
After all the celebration, hours of cooking and hosting guests with remarks on me being ready for marriage, my mother then calls me over for the ‘talk’. I must let you know, this talk is a yearly tradition and usually starts with the importance of the New Year and putting everything in God’s hands because marriage may happen anytime especially in this new year, my pastor says this year is our year of Divine Harvest so I shall be harvesting my husband this year. You probably find this funny but my mother doesn’t which is why she has personally placed me on a 14 day fast to pray about settling down in this New Year.
I’m not sure if this is really a spiritual exercise or just another way for my mother to get me to lose weight whatever the case as far as my mother is concerned, this is definitely the year of my fairy tale happily ever after. Wish me luck!