DATING AN ABUSIVE WOMAN – TUNDE

Dear Mz Gidi,

The name is Tunde and no I am not a yoruba demon. I don’t usually comment on the blog but I wanted to share my experience with everyone of dating an abusive woman.

A lot of times when people talk about abuse in a relationship, it is always the man that is the abuser and the woman that is the victim. I am not denying that some men are abusers but we need to realise that some women are worse than the men that they portray abused them.

I have never hit a woman in my life but once I considered it because I was pushed to the limit by the woman I was with at the time. The truth is, she was abusive, she was an emotional bully and also verbally abusive. When I was with her, I lost all self-esteem and confidence in myself because with her nothing was ever good enough.

It wasn’t as bad when we first started out then again I think it is because I thought I loved her so I overlooked some of her behaviour and thought I could ‘tame’ her craziness…that was a great mistake.

She would criticise anything anybody does that is different than how she would have done it. She wanted to control me and often times resorted  to emotional intimidation to do it. She used verbal assaults and threats in order to get me to do what she wanted. It made her feel powerful and in the end I would feel bad.

No matter how hard I tried and how much I gave, it was never enough. She wanted more! One time I went out of my way to buy her a bag that cost me almost 100k and she didn’t accept it. She always expected me to drop whatever I was doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she must come first. She had an endless list of demands and there was no way I could fulfil all of them.

She was very good at name calling. One minute I was a pushover, the next minute I was spineless, sometimes I was not man enough. One incident I would never forget was when she told me ‘My friends from the past would be surprised that I am even dating a man like you’

We were always arguing, I used to celebrate 2 weeks of peace with her because every second was a potential havoc. These arguments were not small o, often heated and would end up with her throwing things. I am yet to replace my TV that she cracked from the argument that made us break up.

After a year of being with her, and making excuses I had to let her go. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was drained, I was messed up and I was scared of her.

Most men don’t want to admit that they’re in an abusive relationship. They describe the relationship and their girlfriend using other terms like crazy, emotional, controlling, bossy, domineering, constant conflict, or volatile. So my advice to any man out there, if you use words like this to describe your relationship, then most likely you are with an abusive woman and it is time for you to run.


Whoa! This is deep but I am glad someone opened up about this. If you are a guy and have been in an abusive relationship then please share your thoughts? 

Use the comment box below and let’s discuss.

If you want to reach out to me or share your own story on the blog, you can send an email to singleingidi@gmail.com or follow SingleinGidi on Facebook, twitter and instagram 

HOW DO I ASK FOR HIS GENOTYPE?

Dear Mz Gidi, 

I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for about three months. I swear it feels like this is it, we get along so well and I actually see a future with him. The only problem is that the topic of our genotype has never come up and I am sort of nervous about asking him for his.

See for a long time I always thought I was AA until my last relationship when my ex decided we do a test because he was AS and he needed to be sure I was AA. I ended up being AS much to my surprise and that’s how that relationship ended.

Now with this guy, I don’t know. I want to ask him so I don’t get hurt but I find it forward and uncomfortable when the asked such questions, I’m afraid I may scare him away. 

So please how do I ask him for his genotype without scaring him away? 

Regards

Steph


Since I am all up for speaking from experience, I’d like someone who has experience in this to help Steph out …what do you think Steph should do in this situation? Should she ask upfront? or is there a tactical way of asking ?

Use the comment box below and let’s discuss.

If you want to reach out to me or share your own story on the blog, you can send an email to singleingidi@gmail.com or follow SingleinGidi on Facebook, twitter and instagram 

HIS MARRIED EX WON’T LET HIM GO

Dear Mz Gidi, 

My boyfriend of 6 months keeps talking to his ex and I am uncomfortable with it.

At first he told me they were just good friends and I tried to understand after all I still have a few exes that I occasionally say hello to. When she got married three months ago, we both wished her well and even attended the reception of her wedding, I found it odd attending her wedding but I chose to because he wanted to go and he said he wanted to introduce me to her. 

Now six months into our relationship and three months into her marriage she keeps sending my boyfriend messages on how much she misses him and wishes she waited for him instead of rushing into marriage; just last week, she sent him pictures of her breasts asking if he missed them.

I’ve confronted my boyfriend about this recent development and he keeps saying it is nothing but he isn’t telling her off or anything. What do you advice I do because I swear I am losing my mind. 

Liz


 

Hmm tough one here, I have my opinion but I’ll leave this open to everyone…what do you think Liz should do in this situation?

Use the comment box below and let’s discuss.

If you want to reach out to me or share your own story on the blog, you can send an email to singleingidi@gmail.com or follow SingleinGidi on Facebook, twitter and instagram 

HOW TO BE AVAILABLE AND NOT DESPERATE

Hello Mz Gidi,

After reading your last post, I have to ask you how a sister can date and not look desperate because I won’t lie I am ready to settle down but I am afraid that I may be giving off the desperado vibes.

As someone who has left the dating world, what do you suggest is the best way to be available but not desperate?

Love, 

Miss Almost Desperate


Hey Miss Almost Desperate,

I don’t know why I find this message funny but I will try my best to give you an objective response.

1. Don’t Lie : Not necessarily the big lies like you father is the president (unless he really is) but the little lies we tell in order to make ourselves more attractive to the other person. For example saying you love football when you don’t, pretending to be the chef of the family when you don’t know what a pot looks like, the kind of music you listen to or even your spiritual beliefs and convictions.You want him/her to like you for who you are, not the made up you

2. Stop being a stalker: Maybe I should say, stop being an ‘obvious’ stalker because with social media these days, everybody has a little stalker tendency. It may be cute at the start but after a while you become creepy being all up in their grill, knowing everything they do without giving them a chance to tell you (even for conversation sake)

3. Create a boundary: By this I mean stop with the 20 calls in a day or the need to be clingy and be given attention. If they don’t respond to your messages, maybe they are busy and you should be too.

4. Don’t try too hard: If you look like you are doing a lot to get them to notice you, then I’m sorry you look desperate. It’s no fun when only one person is doing all the work.

5. It’s not the end of the world: If you meet every guy/girl with the thought of a future relationship in your head, none of these tips will work. Calm down; make friends, not boyfriends. If they don’t like you back, don’t take it personally. Everybody has different tastes and personalities, so maybe you are not what they are looking for, trying to force them to make them like you is an act of desperation

At the end of the day, I believe there is no right or wrong when it comes dating however there are a few basics that I believe everyone should know especially when you are ready to settle down .

Best of luck

CAN I DATE HIM?

Dear Miss Gidi,

Complements, hope you’re doing ok?

Please I need your advice on an issue that’s been on my mind. Few years back ( about 5-6 years ago) my elder sister worked at a particular place with a co-worker ( a guy, Tony) they were pretty young then. Tony used to ask my sister to be his girlfriend but she refused, fast forward to this day they’ve been casual friends since then, he comes to the house to visit her sometimes.

Now Tony is asking me to be his girlfriend, he’s really been persistent, I refused based on the ground that he asked my sister out few years back, I told him my reasons but he said it doesn’t matter and that they were both really young then besides nothing happened between them. It’s been close to two years now and he still comes around and still asks for a positive reply from me.

He just passed out from his NYSC recently and he’s home now looking for a job. He said he’s serious about me and wants us to work.

Please what do you think? It’s been two years now, besides I broke up with my ex 4 months back. So I’m single. I really need your advice. I’m 23,my sister is 25 and Tony is 27.

Thanks, 

Sandra


 

 

I have my opinions, but this section is not just about me…so to everyone that’s reading, what do you think? should Sandra date Tony or should she walk away?

Use the comment box below and let’s discuss.

If you want to reach out to me or share your own story on the blog, you can send an email to singleingidi@yahoo.com or follow SingleinGidi on Facebook, twitter and instagram 

Love,

SIG

HELP! I WANT TO BE WITH HER BUT I AM SCARED

It’s almost the weekend yayyyyy!!!

Here is a comment/request from the last post on Sex as bad as Junk food that I feel needs to be addressed in detail. 


 

 

dear miss gidi

I have met great girls, there is this particular one I really like, to be honest, she is the wife I imagined in my dreams, the problem is I am scared she will get tired and walk away because, I am really struggling to be a good man and pursue her.

As you ladies have identified, junk sex makes us guys forget what pursuing a woman is about and almost see it as stress. Since the day I met her, I knew she was different, but she seems kind of withdrawn and has mentioned to me that I am not ready for a relationship and she won’t wait, truth is I am a casual sex regular, but I am getting too old for it and to be honest, it’s very draining. I want out, what would you ladies suggest?

– Anonymous


 

Hi Mr Anonymous, 

It’s good to know that one junk sex addict out there is willing to hang his boots and settle down with someone who he believes is the woman of his dreams. It’s a win for every single woman out there, however we know it won’t be easy for you because …well any good woman knowing the ‘history’ of a man would be very cautious to avoid being a victim. 

I do not claim to be an expert in such matters, but here are a few things I suggest:

 – Don’t be in a hurry – The problem with most men who are addicted to junk sex is that they are very impatient even when the real deal comes around. They usually think that the ‘ease’ of getting women is universal when in reality it’s not. If you really want this woman, you have to take your time, get to know her, get to understand, be her friend (avoid the friend zone though) and earn her trust. Her withdrawal is simply an indication of her lack of trust for you . 

Stay away from the sexual zone – This may be easier said than done but if you really want to earn her trust your actions have to prove to her that you are not in it for the panties but for the long run. 

– Find out if YOU are the husband of her dreams – Yes she may be the wife of your dreams but if you do not fit into what she wants in the man she would spend the rest of her life with, well let’s just say you are wasting your time (and bugging her). Again get to know her, ask her questions about her life and the future she wants for herself; get to know the kind of man she sees herself with; finally and objectively ask yourself if you are that man or if you could be that man for her. 

Be a better man You have said that you are struggling to be a good man so make that choice and put in the effort. I believe this is a growth process for you so work on yourself while you get to know her. She may or may not be the one you end up with but you would come out a better man from this process and a good example for your children yet unborn. 

On that note, I wish you the best of luck and lots of happiness 

Regards, 

Nothing good comes easy

HELP! MY RELATIONSHIP IS BORING!

It’s been a while since we did a Dear Miss Gidi post but this just came as a comment in ImaRose’s last post, so I thought hey why not?

dear miss gidi

Hi Miss Gidi,

Pls I need ur advice. I started dating my boyfriend few months back and my dear it’s been boring. He calls everyday but that’s it. No going out, no visiting at his place or mine. We’ve never been on a date together, nothing nothing. It’s been like 2 months and I have only visited him 3 times first was the very first time I went to know his place, second was a regular visit and third was when he was sick and I went to visit him.

My dear it’s been boring. So I decided to make an effort. I called him and asked if I could come visit the next day, he said ok that when he comes back from church he would call me to start coming over. Miss Gidi I waited and waited and waited but I didn’t see any call. I was MAD, I was FURIOUS. He called the next day but I didn’t answer. He then sent me a whatsapp message saying: “I’m sorry for not calling you on sunday if that’s what is making you angry, something came up”

Can you imagine the rage I felt? Is that how to apologise for standing me up? For making the relationship boring? I’ve been in previous relationships and I know for sure that the first few months are the “honeymoon” phase but this is just freaking boring. He sent another message saying “incase you don’t hear from me again, I’m sorry”.

Pls dear, am I overreacting? He hasn’t called since then, and I’m just so angry and sad. Please what should I do?

Valentina


 

Hi Valentina, 

Thank you for stopping by the blog and I totally feel your pain. It can be annoying when you are the one putting in the effort and the person in question is playing obvious games with you.

I mean someone who really wants to be with you would do more but I am sure you already know that because as you say, you have been in relationships in the past.

So my dear, in conclusion, lose his number. 

The end

Love, 

WE’VE GOT MAIL: SHE DOESN’T WANT ME

Dear Miss Gidi,

I’ve been in love with a friend of mine for over a year now. We met in NYSC camp in 2010 and have been very close ever since. Sometime in 2013, I told her that I wanted to have a relationship with her, to be honest, I want to marry her and nothing less but she has been putting me on a long thing ever since.

We get along very well and even our families know that we are close but somehow I just can’t get her to agree to date me especially since we are both single and have been since early 2013.

I have tried everything, I have gotten gifts, I have even driven her to the hospital at 2am in the morning when she wasn’t feeling well, my point is, I am always there for her but she won’t date me or be with me.

My friends joke around that she has me in her ‘brother zone’ but I refuse to believe so because we have gotten intimate once so it definitely won’t be that.

Honestly Miss Gidi (and all the other readers) what strategy works best in letting her know that I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her without using only words.

Thanks

Frustrated Young Man


 

PHEW

Ok so please use the comment box below to let Mr Frustrated Young Man know what you think.Do you think he should keep pursuing this ‘friend’? If yes, then what’s the strategy?

If you want to reach out to me or share your own story on the blog, you can send an email to singleingidi@yahoo.com or follow SingleinGidi on Facebook, twitter and instagram 

Love,

We’ve got mail: I don’t think his parents like me

Hello my people! How are you surviving this harmattan season? I don’t think I have ever seen Lagos this cold or dusty in all my years of living here. Anyway, we have our first email for 2015…yayyyy!! this time it is from Simi, a first time commenter via email..

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Dear Miss Gidi

Am I allowed to still say happy New Year? Happy New Year and Happy anniversary to the blog!

My name is Simi and I am an avid fan of the blog however I have never commented on any of the posts so consider this my first comment via email…hahaha.

I’m having a bit of a challenge and was wondering if you and the readers could help me out with an objective ‘view’ on this matter. I have been dating my current boyfriend for about 6 months now and over the holidays he took me to see his parents for the first time. At first I was a bit nervous about it because I had heard so much about how strict his parents were (they are also Deeper Life members) and I happen to be a free-spirited person which my boyfriend says is what attracts him to me despite our differences.  

My meeting with them was okay, it was the usual really, his father was very friendly while his mother was a bit reserved. I assumed this is usual for mothers when meeting their son’s girlfriends because this is not the first time I have met the parents of the guys I have dated. 

After meeting his parents, things began to change. My boyfriend is no longer as caring as he used to be and he is always looking for a fault; recently we had an argument because I said I did not want to go to his church with him, which has never been an issue between us.  I’ve tried asking him what was wrong but he avoided that conversation. When I asked him what his parents thought about me, he said his father liked me but his mother needed a bit more time, I’m not sure what that means but I am guessing she didn’t like me as much.

I’ve considered calling her to at least build a friendship with her, maybe that would help make things better in my relationship because even though my boyfriend says there is nothing wrong, I believe there is something he is hiding from me that is the outcome of our trip to his parents.

What do you suggest I do?

Regards,

Simi

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You know the routine right? Okay you don’t? Well use the comment box below to let Simi know what you think. Do you think the current situation in her relationship has been influenced by her meeting the parents? If yes, then what should she do?

If you want to reach out to me or share your own story on the blog, you can send an email to singleingidi@yahoo.com or follow SingleinGidi on Facebook, twitter and instagram 

Love,

We’ve got mail: I don’t trust her – Chi

TGIM!!!!! , yes I am one of the few people who thank God it’s Monday (don’t hate!) or maybe it’s because I’m just naturally hyper. Anyway today we’ve got mail from Chi and after the last Dear Miss Gidi post, I’ve decided I shall leave the floor open for my lovelies (you guys) to respond 🙂 

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Source: GalleryHip

Hey Miss Gidi,

This is a bit weird for me because I’ve never sent an email to any of these kinda agony aunt things but I can relate with most of your posts and I think the comments are usually practical so here goes

I started dating my current boyfriend about 3 months ago and we’ve been good except for one thing that seems to bother me, he has a female friend that I am not comfortable with.

He spends a lot of time talking to her (like almost every day) and she always seems to know what’s going on with us. The thing is I have never met her in person but I know of her and she knows of me as well and according to my boyfriend she is not harmful because he has known her longer and if he wanted to date her he would have but he didn’t.

She always comes up in our discussions, and when we have arguments it’s usually gets worse when he says what she thinks which of course makes me even more upset. One time we argued about something and he didn’t apologise to me until she told him to because she made him realise he was wrong.

I just fell like she has a lot of control over my boyfriend and I do not want that happening because I don’t trust her, I just don’t.

So what do you think? Am I being paranoid? Or is there something I should do?

Regards,

Chi

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Chi is a very straight forward kinda chic sha, she didn’t even try to toast me before letting me know  her wahala LOL …(I still love ya for emailing Chi!).  As usual I have my thoughts on dealing with the female friend BUT do you think this female friend is a problem or should Chi just relax? 

Use the comment box below and let’s discuss 🙂 

If you want to reach out to me or share your own story on the blog, you can send an email to singleingidi@yahoo.com or follow SingleinGidi on Facebook, twitter and instagram 

Love,