CATCH KOREDE BELLO AND LIL KESH GO HEAD TO HEAD ON A STYLING BATTLE, AKAH AKA DR. LOVE SHARES LOVE TIPS AND LOADS OF GIVEAWAYS – THE SAUCE (VALENTINES EDITION)

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If you’re just discovering the sauce, then you’ve under a rock. Imagine if everything you missed on social media could be delivered to you in one place plus extra….The sauce is an online show that talks pop culture and current affairs, It’s not just hot it’s mad fun. Catch Seyitan and Switch every Fortnight as the Sauce Crew brings you a summary of all the notable News from politics, finance, and world news to entertainment as well as exciting packages.

The highs, the lows, the OMG Moments entangled with hilarious dialogue and skits that to satisfy your need for a totally exciting information package and maybe comedy cravings. Showing Fridays on Red TV.

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This valentine’s special features our usual key highlights and styling tips from our celebrity guests Lil Kesh and Korede Bello. In collaboration with Lost in Lagos we showcase some of our favorite chill spots with amazing food. And our in house love doctor, Dr. Akah Love (Akah Bants) who shares much need tips for the valentine season.

Win Big with the Sauce:

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Oh! Yes in the spirit of the season, we are giving out two tickets for a Venetian dinner at Insignia, and a 20k voucher for HardRock Café..

Watch the Sauce on Red TV today:

 

Produced by Suss Productions for Red TV.

DAKS ON HER TINDER EXPERIENCE IN LAGOS

So the first time I paid any attention to Tinder was as a result of ‘amebo’. A friend had met a guy there, who she later found out was engaged (and is now married). Prior to that, I equated Tinder on the same level as personal ads on Craigslist, like a creepy hook-up tool.
Even more surprising to me was the fact that there were active Tinder users in Nigeria, I was honestly shocked at that. Call it naïveté , but I never in a million years thought Nigerians would go for online dating…in any form.

While listening to my friend curse the engaged guy she had met on Tinder, I formed one opinion about it, definitely not for me.

Fast forward a few months later, was having lunch with another friend of mine, and as is wont to happen (wherever two or more girls are gathered, the topic is more often than not, the opposite sex) the conversation turned to relationships or lack thereof. She regaled me with gist abut a guy she’d been dating for about four months and to my surprise said she’d met him on Tinder.

I was agog.

“So you mean there are actually normal people on Tinder, like not mentally disturbed men who work at Zenith Bank during the day and dismember bodies at night.”

“Yes”

“No, seriously”

“Yes!“

Obviously I had to see for myself and we decided to set up a profile for me. So how Tinder works is that its basically a smartphone app that works by finding your location using GPS, then it uses your Facebook information to create a profile with your first name, age and photos of choice, before matching you with other users in the vicinity. You swipe through their pictures, and swipe right if you find their photo and profile attractive and left if you don’t. You can also restrict your pool of contenders based on age, sex and location. Pretty simple.

First off I was titillated by the number of people I knew personally that I could see, I kept going “Oh my God thats so and so”. Then I actually realized that I wasn’t just seeing a bunch of pervy degenerates which I’d imagined Tinder must be chock-a-block with. The people (well some of them) seemed…normal. A few were downright cool even, and came off as witty and intelligent and all that good stuff.

My friend actually said she’d been using Tinder for a year and had kissed quite a few frogs till she found her current prince. She made it seem so normal, they’d match, exchange info if they wanted to take it further, meet up for dates and take it from there. I was just like “in this Lagos!”.

In a busy city like Lagos, it’s a truth universally acknowledged that meeting people can be hellish and I definitely understand how a tool like Tinder can make that much easier, but I was also worried that Nigeria being the kind of society that evaluates female character based on sexual virtue, it could very well be abused by the people it seeks to help. I was worried that girls on it might be thought of as desperate, or up for anything (which some might be, nothing wrong with that), but I felt like girls who were genuinely on it because they hoped they’d meet the love of their life might get lumped in with the rest of them. Then again, I had a live success story in front of me so it might not be all that bad.
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THE ADVANTAGES 
It gives you a chance to put yourself out there: For members of both sexes, physically approaching another person is never easy, most especially for women…almost never done. What Tinder does is it allows you to indicate interest if you see someone interesting by ‘liking’ their profile or swiping right, then the person takes it from there. It also allows you declare your availability.

It gives quite a bit of background info: Tinder is linked to your Facebook profile and Instagram, so the information you’re shown is the persons interests, if you have friends in common, School or work, personal photos etc. So you can actually gauge the level of the people on it and can suss out who has piss poor spelling. You’re basically less likely to get catfished or murdered.

A lot of people on it are honestly looking for love: Prior to joining I thought once you matched with anybody on it you’d have a flurry of nudes flung at you accompanied by pervy one-liners. But a lot of people I met on there seemed surprisingly sincere and sensible and very open about the difficulty of finding The One. Maybe it was a scam, didn’t stick around to find out, but I think its well worth a try.

It’s not solely restricted to the twenty-somethings: The age criteria on Tinder goes from 18 to 55+, so it shows love to older people too.

It’s  an opportunity to date outside your race. One of the major things I noticed about Tinder in Nigeria is the plethora of expats on it. Nigeria, with all its multinational companies and opportunities is an expat hotbed and tons of them are on Tinder. I’m guessing its because they’re more accustomed to using it in their home countries and when they come to Nigeria its simply an extension of that, but they are some of the more aggressive and forward groups on Tinder. Again, one has to be careful as some of them might be (and have proven to be) in relationships or married back home and just looking for a bit of fun in Nigeria, so do your homework well. Then again if that’s what you’re interested in…win-win.

THE DISADVANTAGES

I think its a bit superficial: Life is superficial I know, but Tinder sort of has you making snap judgements about people and 9 times out of 10 its based on how attractive or not the person is.

Too much choice: There are literally thousands of choices open to you and as someone who has brain freeze when confronted with American cable television and its 9,000,000 channels, I can’t deal with a smorgasbord of availability like that. Its almost like this one didn’t work, well there are thousands out there for me to hit on, so no effort is made to actually see if you have a connection with someone. Its a very love at first sight community, and if there’s no love…its on to the next.
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Now in my own personal experience, I decided to use Tinder for a week to understand it properly and for a minute the overwhelming attention was quite flattering, then it got tedious really quickly. A day after setting up my profile I’d got about 32 Super Likes (a Super Like is a more intense way of saying “I really really like you!”) and 40 something matches…I honestly couldn’t deal. I went along with a few conversations then gave them up as a bad job after a while. I just couldn’t get into the groove of it, it stuck with me as just a slightly off-kilter way of forming an attachment. Plus I couldn’t shake the niggling feeling that whenever I was ‘liked’, I was part of a group herd with the ‘liker’ just waiting to see who’d bite the bait first. Yes I know that also happens in real life with people putting their eggs in numerous baskets, its just a bit more glaring on Tinder.

Verdict on my Tinder social experiment is that I honestly don’t think its a terrible way to meet people, I’ve now read about several who met their Significant Others on it and there have been quite a few marriages as well.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it is not for me but different strokes and all that.

Even if we think it might not translate in our immediate Nigerian environment, it actually does and very well for that matter. So if you’ve given up on traditional ways of meeting people, give Tinder a try, you never know.

Adaku Abimbola Ufere is an Oil & Gas Lawyer and CEO of DAX Consult; a legal advisory and consulting firm. She is also a fashion journalist and one of the top lifestyle bloggers in Nigeria. She blogs over at http://www.thirdworldprofashional.com. 

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BAD MARKET WOMEN

To think I had no idea what to write about this week, but thanks to my friend, let’s call him Vodka, who called me crying last night. I don’t play with my sleep, sometimes by 8pm ImaRose don sleep. But a grown man crying on the phone had me awake giving free therapy for three hours on a Sunday night.

 E-go pass woman? Hmmmm, wait, continue! (I miss our former first-lady sha)

Okay so my friend ,Vodka, open-eye dated and wanted to marry this girl who was the direct opposite of what he always said he wanted, why? because I don’t know o…is it not how all these men are. Vodka’s story is too complicated so I no fit talk am, plus, he recently sent me one post I wrote here, say ‘im like the writer, that she make sense die. Anyway, I know it won’t be long before he figures it’s me: as an emotional writer, it doesn’t take long for people who know me to know I am ImaRose…unless Miss Gidi exposes me.

So the story is that Vodka babe don leave am…what else is new abi? but before I tell you why let me say a few things.

Men! why do you judge women solely by physical characteristics?. So, if a girl looks and dresses like she’s physically cute, most men will automatically assume she has to be a good person and, consequently, will put up with a lot of nonsense in the relationship. Especially in this Lagos, men are about the Brazilian weave, daily professional makeup wearing type of women. Some of these women are high maintenance and cause major damage to their pocket, but they don’t mind. But after dem marry am finish, they will expect Aunty to tone down…tone down wetin?

But besides these ones, let me tell you about these women who are spoiling market for those of us in this Lagos:

Constant Attention Seekers

Many of us love attention. And, yes, I include myself in that category. However, there are those who love attention and generally prefer getting it from one person and not choke the person. And, there are those who are obsessed with attention and need to get constant validation from multiple sources. These sort of women keep three to four boyfriends; waiting for who will propose first, they post thirst-trap pictures on IG and feed off of IG likes. Recently I met a babe that did that and deleted all her social media accounts after one of her bae’s proposed. Player-men, player-women are matching y’all in your own game now!

Judging by how she captions the photos and her comments, she enjoys the constant attention from the men in her news feed. These are the type that will put bikini picture and write ‘for God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son…’ she don become salvation to mankind be that.

God created us women with too much love to give, I admit our love can be a bit too much sometimes but, a good candidate knows how to manage, not to choke the guy, such balance means that when he is really busy and not all over her, she is not seeking it elsewhere thereby spoiling market for the rest of us good women.

Drama Queens

Recently, I was talking about what bothers me with someone, and got the vibe that maybe I wasn’t taken seriously or I didn’t mean what I said possibly because, I wasn’t dramatic, didn’t cry, curse, ignore or keep malice to drive a point home. I don’t know how to act like that, and if someone did to me, I’d just ignore them, I hate drama.

I feel like Nigerian men are LOVE drama, it’s like they only consider communication laced with drama, I don’t get it. If you want to send your point across, add a spice of drama, if you don’t know how to cause drama then you are not serious about what you want.

The problem with dramatic women is that it affects everyone else around them too. So, you might want to simply have a good day at work, but you find yourself on the phone half the day dealing with a meltdown because she is on her period and you didn’t call her 5 times before noon like you always do.

Keep in mind too that almost every dramatic person I know insists they “hate drama.”Don’t go by what she says. Instead, look at what they do. Sometimes, I said sometimes oh and not when she is on her period, disappoint her and see how she handles it…if you try it when she is close to her period, don’t mention my name mbok

Drama is a waste of time. It is emotionally draining to be dealing with a dramatic person all the time. While a dramatic guy might enjoy it, if you are emotionally stable, you definitely don’t want to date a girl who sucks you into her constant unstable emotions…the unfortunate thing is that for the rest of us drama-free women, most men take advantage of our calmness because these drama queens have spoilt market.

Jerks

Somehow, the concept of women as jerks is shocking to guys.

Here is a newsflash for naive men: women can be huge jerks too. Just like many guys, some women are narcissistic, manipulative, self-centered, self-serving, angry, and even violent jerks who will mistreat you and those around you, but if she wants the ring, you won’t see that side of her until she don enter house. Actually, she might manipulate you into giving the ring, you just won’t know it

To know if the babe is a jerk, pay close attention to how she treats those closest to her especially domestic workers and drivers. If she bullies others, behaves badly, acts entitled, etc. then don’t get sucked in just because she is physically attractive or can bring on her A-game in the bedroom. It’s character you live with for rest of your life and one day, na you she go slap.

Ehen so Vodka, correct bobo was dating one madam, even proposed with one five million naira rock, as in when I see the thing I melt. Sadly, Vodka lost his job shortly after and has been on a job hunt since. He’s from a wealthy home and could depend on his father but as a responsible young man, he refused. Not too long after they got engaged, aunty got pregnant so when he lost his job and with the increasing bills, Vodka told her that she should consider having the baby in Naija because he won’t be able to afford her giving birth in America.

Babe come vex that she cannot born pikin in naija and since he doesn’t have the money, she would have an abortion. Vodka was upset , he begged, his friends begged, plenty people tried to make this babe see that abortion was not the way forward, after all they were already engaged and he truly loved her….and so on and so forth.

Well, my people..true true, the babe abort the pregnancy and has now broken up with Vodka because dem no born am manage for this life.

Meanwhile people like ImaRose are still praying for correct man to come her way..this life sha

FOR THE LOVE OF MONEY

Heyyyy guys, I know y’all did not miss me since ImaRose has been holding it down on the blog. My sincere apologies for not updating as much as I used to, NO, it has nothing to do with planning a wedding (like ImaRose likes to hint), however it is a case of me feeling like a fraud, writing as a single person in the dating world when I don’t exactly have the material to talk about, it won’t be original but then again maybe I am over thinking it.

Moving on…

Last weekend, I was with a group of brides-to-be at an event when one of the ladies asked a question regarding finances and marriage. According to her, it was a concern that she earned significantly more than her fiancé so she needed advice on how to handle the situation. Of course, the guests had one thing or the other to offer but one thing they failed to ask was ‘how has he been in the relationship?’

Questions like hers, is one of the reasons why a lot of young men would rather be single than marry someone they love just because she earns more than he does. One thing we need to do as women is learn not to over emphasize our financial independence…especially in a relationship, I mean how would you like it if your boyfriend was always reminding you how he earns more than you do or if some guy you’re talking to decides the reason he didn’t want to be with you is because you didn’t have a ‘lucrative job’, or every time you had a conversation, he would bring up your financial status as a major concern.

I mean if the bros in question is paying his own bills and isn’t asking you for money why should his financial status be a reason for alarm, it shows that he is responsible and even though he may not be where he is to pay for your ‘luxury life’, he will be able to pay for important things like house rent, e.t.c. Too many young women are looking for sugar daddies instead of husbands or partners to grow with. It just sounds strange when I hear things like this or maybe I am strange…

I remember when I heard some guy I liked at a point in my life said he had a problem with my profession because I didn’t have a ‘good paying’ job according to his standard so he didn’t think it would work and another guy blatantly said he was a doctor so he needed a wife in the medical field so their combined income could afford them a good life…therefore, Ms Gidi didn’t cut it.  Now that I think about it, they both had something in common, they wanted women from their states and were doctors, in summary, they were both short-sighted.

Regardless of their myopic view on life, I remember feeling a bit upset when i heard that which brings me to my question for the day, should the financial status of your partner (male or female matter especially when they take care of their bills without your help?. And for the men, if the woman of dreams, earned significantly more than you do, what would you do?

Love,

CAN YOU BE SINGLE AND HAPPY? – Discovery with Glory

I absolutely love Glory Edozien, she’s one of the realest and coolest people I know. The topic of being Single and Happy is one that is often discussed especially for single women in the Nigerian society. In describing her latest vlog, Glory said

Single and happy? Isn’t that an oxymoron? The rush to the altar is real, happiness is tied to saying I do and those who haven’t said the sacred vows are banished to the land of misery until the knight in shinning armour turns up and gives us the kiss of life that is marriage….

Marriage is a wonderful thing and is definitely on my prayer list, amongst other things, however there is much to be said for living in the now. As a woman who is currently single, I have learnt the importance of loving and enjoying every part of my life, even as I wait for the things I don’t have now. I have learnt to be secure in the knowledge of my future and to stop second guessing and plotting to arrive at a certain destination.

In this video, Glory shares her personal insights on being happy while single, something every single person either male or female, needs to know

Did she leave something out? or do you disagree with some of the points made? Don’t forget to subscribe to her YouTube Channel for more inspiring videos

SOME DATING TIPS FOR THE NIGERIAN MAN BY MR. SIMS

There are few things in this world more enlightening than being in the midst of a group of women as they chat; even more so a group of Nigerian women when they gist. Often times as a man, you need to be of serious constitution to sit there and “chop yabs” on behalf of Nigerian men. On one particular occasion I was in such a situation and I was listening to ‘war stories’ from the battlefield of dating which made me laugh, but also prompted me to come up with a list of “dating don’t’s” for guys.Before I continue, let me just quickly caveat that in reading these, assume that my target audience is at least a middle class Nigerian who presumably has a job and can afford or has access to a car. We cool? Cheers, now I shall proceed.

There are very, very few acceptable excuses for not having credit (airtime)

I’m not talking of a one-off situation where you unexpectedly run out of credit or you forget to top up, those happen to everyone. Sometimes you’re having such a good conversation that you don’t know it’s been almost an hour. Or perhaps you made an international call but you didn’t realise how expensive it would be. But if there is a habitual pattern of never having credit or you keep asking the girl you’re toasting to call you or you’re not resourceful enough to find another phone, then there’s a problem. It can’t be a case of “I really want to chat tonight, but you have to call me”. If you want something then you go and get it done! There’s also an element of responsibility in this sort of situation if you think about it. If there’s ever an emergency, for you or someone else, you never want to be hamstrung because you didn’t have credit. It’s just not acceptable these days. Even if you’re a man of moderate means, there isn’t any good reason to habitually be out of credit.

Having Credit (airtime)

As a man of moderate means myself, I know just as well as the next guy how difficult it is to get any car, not to even talk of your ideal car or a car you wouldn’t feel ashamed driving. We all want to drive that nice SUV or saloon car that makes the ladies swoon and the other guys nod with respect, but sometimes it just doesn’t happen that way! Having said that, if you’re a man who considers himself resourceful there are ways to sort yourself out, i.e. get a second-hand car. If at some particular point you don’t have the funds to get a second-hand car and at that point you come across a lovely lady that you want to toast, then do the honourable thing and borrow your friend’s car! Lot’s of guys do it and there really is no shame in it because life is tough like that sometimes. Better to have to explain why you had to borrow a car rather than have her pick you up; she’ll understand eventually. From what I understand about women, she will care more that you at least tried to make a good impression that say “yeah I’d love to really take you out but you have to come get me”. It completely defeats the whole purpose of a date. If you can’t organise your friend’s car, then organise car hire. This might all seem like a lot, but again, if you like a girl enough you will do the needful! Not sure how many people I speak for when I say this, but if I didn’t have a car or access to one, then I would simply not ask the girl out until I could sort that out.

Confucius say “A beat up car is better than none”

Being able to drive?!Then again, having a car or not might not even matter if you don’t know how to drive. Well, there could be some good excuses for this, to me anyway, but certainly not to that girl who you’ve been scoping for the past few weeks! You might even have a car and a driver who can take you everywhere, but what happens on the day when the driver is off? Or perhaps when you guys go out for a late night drink and then you have to release the driver? Who is going to drive her home? It’s possible that you didn’t ever have to learn or you don’t trust yourself driving in Nigeria, but then all these things are linked to women feeling safe and secure. I watched a video online about mistakes nice guys make and in the video the lady that was being interviewed mentioned the need for women to feel protected. Similar to a man who doesn’t know how to put together shelves or can’t change a light bulb if needed, she will write you off as not being ‘man enough’. Then again we men probably do the same thing to women who can’t cook and so I suppose it sort of evens out in that respect.

There are a lot of other do’s and don’ts but these were some that came to mind that I felt would be important to highlight, especially for the beginning stages of dating.


Mr Sims is bacckkk!!! well if you’ve followed SIG for a while you’d know that Mr Sims is a good friend of the family. Be sure to visit his blog for more fantastic posts. 

And if you would like your experience/story featured on SIG or if you have some fantastic dating tips, simply send an email to singleingidi@yahoo.com 
Till next time 

SINGLE AND STRONG

“Are you not a single mother? Should you not be even flattered that I’m asking you to marry me even despite this your burden?”

Had I known being a single mother would require me to deal with so many idiots I may have made different choices.

A little introduction to me, I’m Imoteda, 29 years old and as I’m hoping you’ve realized, a single mother. To be honest being a single mother isn’t as bad as television makes it seem. I lucked out. I have an incredibly supportive family who have been there since Day 1; my mother was beside me while I was in labour and having the baby (she even filmed the whole thing). My brother was there for three years helping me babysit when I needed it. My dad supported us financially when I needed it and still gives us little ‘gifts’ that seem to show up conveniently when I’m struggling.

So yea, all in all, being a single parent isn’t all struggle and food stamps and baby daddy drama. My story isn’t every single mother’s story obviously but for me generally after doing this for 8 years; I can confidently say I have a handle on it.

My daughter and I know each other, some days are more difficult than others and sometimes I wonder what life would be if I had done things differently. But all in all life is good, my daughter is amazing, my family is dope and I am happy. So what’s the hardest part of being a single parent??

Men… and their random asinine assumptions.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know it’s not ALL MEN and some men are perfectly sensible and I’ve been lucky enough to date one or two normal men but the number of ridiculous statements I have heard from men just makes me want to move to Mars.

Statements like,  “Are you not a single mother? Should you not be even flattered that I’m asking you to marry me even despite this your burden?”

This statement came from a man I JUST MET. Bro, I met you two weeks ago, we’ve spoken twice because you got my phone number by accident (I was giving his friend for business o). You called me then showed up and said “You would make a very good wife. I think we should get married.” Now you’re upset because I said “No thanks I’m working.”

Pele o! Uncle ‘Save-A-Single-Mother’. I didn’t mean to offend your sensibilities. Yes, I understand the huge favour you’re doing me. As a (semi) successful business woman and chef who has managed for over 8 years to raise a beautiful well-mannered, intelligent child I am extremely flattered that you (excuse me what do you do for a living again?) a man clearly in his late 30s or early 40s, never married, barely holding on to the English language, no clear lines of incomes or family ties, are proposing to me. No really I am so very very very very VERY flattered.

ARGH! I can’t deal.

So for the rest of you normal people who may or may not have stereotypes on single mothers, I’m gonna give you three things you should know about us:

  1. We are not all desperate – Forget all the stories you’ve heard about mothers abandoning their kids to be with mediocre men. That is not the norm. Most of us have been through the wringer and if we’re still standing it’s because we are strong. It takes a lot to walk with your head up as a single mum and I haven’t been through all that to fall at the feet of some weak man. You need to be exceptional to walk beside me on my journey.
  2. We actually love our kids – And that love means we are extremely selective about the people we allow around our kids. The screening process is serious. You will never be anything more than a random uncle to my kid. Just ask my daughter. As far as she knows mummy hasn’t had a boyfriend in 5 years and that’s okay by me.
  3. We DON’T OWE YOU! – You want to know what happened between me and my baby daddy; you want to know if I get child support; you want to know if I was loose as a young’un; you want to know if I have regrets; you want to know how much my child costs; you want to know if I date.
    Listen I understand your curiosity, single parent homes are at an all time high but somehow it’s like I’m the only single mom you’ve met and that’s cool. But understand that I don’t owe you an explanation for my life or my past decisions mm’kay? If I decide to share that’s cool but if I choose not to ,you do not have the right to get offended.

Now that you know these three points, I command you to go out into the world with them in your head, doing good with less ignorant statements and gentlemen, the next time you have a conversation with a single mother, remember you have to work twice as hard to get her attention!

On that note, I’m off to have a dance party with my offspring.

Au revoir!


We LOVE to hear your stories so if you would like to share your experience of being single like Imoteda or Ginika, simply send an email to singleingidi@yahoo.com.

THE QUEST by Ginika

Miss Gidi here!

We at SIG are open to people sharing their stories and experiences on all things dating, relationships, heart ache and much more.

Today we have a post by Ginika titled The Quest and I hope you enjoy it like I do


 

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I had danced in front of audiences a few times before, but this time was different: I couldn’t hide behind anyone; it was just myself and two friends on stage. I was terrified.

We walked out of the small changing room in a Hall at school. All three of us were just about to go on stage to perform a dance routine that we put together ourselves for an annual event. The entire time, before we went on stage, I was thinking of our performance and hoping that we would do well. The time finally came… and then it passed. It ended with the audience cheering and applauding. That was a really nice boost of confidence. I was so relieved, more because I didn’t have to worry about it anymore, than because they loved it.

As we walked off stage towards the changing room, two young men pulled us aside. They introduced themselves as Olu and Ugo. We chatted with them for a bit and then we parted ways. After the conversation, all I could think about was how Olu sounded so arrogant. I was very irked by this man and the words that came out of his mouth. He made a really bad first impression.

We got to the changing room, changed into our regular clothes and went back out to the hall to enjoy the rest of the event. The night turned out pretty nice – good food, great people, nice atmosphere.

A not-so-long while later, one of my friends that I danced with sent me a message, saying Olu asked her if I hated him. I just laughed and told her to tell Olu to reach out to me directly if he had something to say to me. He came to my church quite often, so I knew I’d see him soon.

A few days later, he followed me on Instagram, but didn’t say a word. Weeks after that, he stopped by at my church, he approached me, we exchanged pleasantries, then he asked to confirm my number. I told him what it was. He had already gotten this from a mutual friend, who visited from another city, a few weeks back.

Did I explain how he got my number? I guess not. A friend of mine who went to the same University as myself came to town to visit. He used my phone to make a call to avoid long distance charges. He happened to make this call to Olu. Olu saw my number (caller ID) and saved it. My friend went back home a few days later… then out of the blue, I get a “Hey” text message at about 10pm. I was already asleep at the time. So I woke up to the text from a number that wasn’t on my contact list. I dialled the number on my way to work. I hate not knowing things, so I had to figure out who this was. The phone rang, Olu picked up, and then I said “hey, who’s this?, I got a text message from you last night”. Olu responded with “Oh sorry, I sent the message to the wrong number”. We ended the call.

That explains how he got my number. Thus, when he approached me a few weeks later, he asked to confirm my number because he already had it.

As you probably guessed already, another few weeks passed by before Olu decided to reach out again. This time he asked to have lunch. I didn’t cook that week and I figured that a casual lunch wouldn’t hurt; so i obliged. We got to the restaurant, placed our orders and sat down to have lunch. The food wasn’t bad at all and Olu seemed pretty nice. We chatted about a few things, but he kept going on and on about marriage. He talked about how most of his friends are either married or about to get married and he felt so much pressure being around them. I couldn’t really relate. I do have a few friends that are married, but most of my mates aren’t.

As it turned out, the lunch date wasn’t too bad. So after that I thought to myself “He is not as bad as I perceived him to be initially, I guess we can be friends”.

He reached out again…and again… and again… and we started dating. He’d cook for me, we’d go places together. He did a good job catering to me so it was easy to see that he really cared about me. I definitely loved knowing that.

One day he said to me that he thought I hated him. I told him I never did and do not. That I didn’t know him enough to hate him. I just didn’t like his attitude and that he always came off as an arrogant person to me and I am not a fan of such people. Then I mentioned that I have seen another side to him that I never saw before and that my perception had changed.

As the days passed, we’d talk, but it seemed like we talked less and less each time. I mean we could have an hour-long conversation and not learn anything new about each other or learn to understand each other better. The more we spoke, the more we talked about the things in our lives that had to do with our careers. Actually, the more we talked, the more I got lectures about how I was doing in my career. The whole time I thought to myself “I can’t believe I have someone like this who cares so much about me that he would put in so much effort and try so hard to help me move forward and up”. But, these conversations were always about what I needed to change, what I could work on, what I was doing wrong, never what I was doing right. I overlooked this.

When we did not have conversations about my career, it was usually quite formal and short compared to how it was initially. Less outings, fewer conversations, more ignored phone calls and messages. We discussed our frustrations and how things had gone downhill so quickly, but nothing changed. It only seemed to get worse. I overlooked this.

One day, we set off to have lunch with a friend of his. We went over to a Vietnamese restaurant, I believe. We sat down, chatted for a bit and decided to place our orders. Before we did that, he told me what I should order. He didn’t even bother to ask what I wanted. Did he care? I guess not. Sometime after, I mentioned that I felt he was controlling; He disagreed with me. I overlooked this as well.

Eventually, things ended. Before this happened, I actually dreamt that it would. This was God giving me a sign and telling me to let go ASAP. But guess what? I disregarded His sign.

Bottom line is I overlooked a lot of things that I was not ok with, because of the things I held unto. Did I hold unto love? Did I love this man? Did I see this as my happily ever after? Maybe.. Maybe not.. The truth is I didn’t love him. There was never a connection at such a level. There was mutual likeness. He was very much into me and he showed it… at the start… and I fell for what I got from him… at the start. I remember praying every night for peace and harmony and for things to get better and to get to a point where I didn’t have to keep praying the same prayer over and over and over again. I prayed to God to end it if it wasn’t right, regardless of how it ended and for him to enable me to accept it.

But I still held on tight to what I knew wasn’t love. Even after God had revealed to me that he wasn’t right and that it will end. I still held on.

What exactly did I hold on to?

Almost 10 years ago, I remember having a conversation with my friends back in secondary school. We talked about our futures: our preferred careers, how we’d like to live, and getting married. I remember saying I’d love to get married young. I even remember the age I mentioned; I said I’d love to get married at 23. So I held unto my word.

I held unto my word from years back when I knew nothing about relationships, nothing about what the right foundation for a great marriage is, nothing about life after the ceremony called a wedding.

I held unto my word and assessed everyone that approached me; age was always a factor. He had to be a certain number of years older in order for me to take him seriously. I convinced myself that the older the man, the more prepared he would be for marriage; the more willing he would be to get married in 3 years or even less; the more stable he would be, financially and career wise.

So, I held unto my word despite the fact that things were not right, despite the fact that I was unhappy, despite the fact that I wanted true love and I didn’t have it with him, despite the fact that I wanted a friend and a lover, despite the fact that I wanted peace, despite the fact that my goofiness was unacceptable to him, despite the fact that I had to kill a part of me to please him, despite the fact that I was talked down to, despite the fact that my opinion was usually dismissed and disregarded, despite the fact that I was in pain, despite the fact that I was belittled, despite the fact that…

One thing I have learnt from this experience is to always trust your first instinct. I had a negative perception about him initially. I thought he was arrogant. I may have been wrong about that, but I wasn’t wrong about knowing that he wasn’t right for me.

A man will do anything to get a woman he really desires. He doesn’t even mind leaving himself behind, taking on a whole new persona just to get you into his back pocket.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment. Would you rather get married young and be unhappy or get married later than you expected and live happily?

Before getting into any relationship, put God first. Pray to him, and if you don’t get an answer immediately, pray harder, seek him harder. If it’s meant to be, it will be, so why rush it? It is a lifetime commitment, so you will be together for life, happily. So, please wait. Do not rush into anything because of the unrealistic goals you may have implicitly set for yourself or because everyone else around you is married or getting married.

Love is much more important than an early marriage.

As for me, I still hold unto my word of getting married early. I’ll still like to of course. But, the difference is that now, this doesn’t control me. I know what matters now. I know what I need to focus on now. And this is my happiness.