WHAT IS GOING ON WITH SINGLE IN GIDI?

I remember when I started this blog, I had so much drive in me to talk about the things that concern single people in Nigeria and how to face society and its pressure of marriage. This was in 2014 and I was 28. People caught the bug fast, and soon enough we were all talking about it and making fun of the experiences we all faced.

By 2015, there were 2 stage plays which were hits, I got married and by 2016, I was a solo mother and separated. My whole world changed and even though I still believed in the Single in Gidi brand I struggled to keep up with it.

From the blog, we grew a community, a Facebook group, a few events and then in 2017 and 2018, two more stage productions, again stage hits because the experiences are always something to laugh about, but by 2017, I knew Single in Gidi had to change somehow because the Visioneer (being me) had changed.

I became more focused on impact, letting people know that being single was not the end of the world, especially for those over the age of 30, because our society had set toxic standards of viewing age 30 as the end of life. I cared more about the choices we made as single people and finding happiness for ourselves before finding someone to share it with.

So by Nov 2017, The Inner Nexus Community was born. TIN (as the members like to call it) is a member- only social club strictly for single professionals and entrepreneurs, over the age of 30, in Nigeria. In a little over a year, it has grown with members in Lagos, Port-Harcourt, Abuja, and Accra. Using exclusive events organized in-house and open to only members and recommended guests accompanied by a member, we strive to enhance the lives of our members through high-profile networking and experiences. We have fun !!! but most of all, TIN is changing the narrative and now we have a waiting list of people about to turn 30 looking forward to being a part of this community instead of dreading the fact that they were single. We have members who have seen their lives impacted positively because they are being encouraged to live their best lives. We have built a family.

As for me, I have started sharing my experience again, this time as a podcast and with a totally different vision from what I had with Single in Gidi. The podcast channel is called Single and a Baby, and it can be found on all major podcast apps.

To be honest, I don’t know what next for Single in Gidi, maybe a few events this year, maybe a few posts. Just know that when SIG returns, it won’t be business as usual.

For now, you can follow Single And a Baby on Instagram and subscribe to the podcast.

Oh and Happy New Year,

Mz Gidi.

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HAVE THE YORUBA DEMONS REBRANDED?

Last week, Falz introduced us to the Sweet Boy Association, a group of young men who are successful in whatever industry, look good always and are ‘sweet boys’. So many questions have been asked as to if these sweet boys are just demons who are trying too hard to change the Yoruba demon narrative. So let’s take a look at who these sweet boys are and compare them to the Yoruba demons.

  1. Sweet boys are successful – You cannot call yourself a sweet boy if you are not successful in what you do. Whether it be music, like the president Falz or fashion, or corporate law or petroleum engineering, whatever your hand finds to do, you must do it well. Yoruba Demons, on the other hand, is all-inclusive, whether successful or not, a Yoruba demon is a Yoruba demon.
  2. Sweet boys dress well ALWAYS– Mostly because they can afford to, whether it be agbada, kaftan, sweatpants or a three-piece suit, you can never catch a sweet boy looking anyhow. On the other hand, Yoruba demons are known for their uniform, the white or black agbada.
  3. Sweet boys are good looking – This is not in all cases, but most sweet boys are well groomed and in most cases are also members of the #beardgang.
  4. Sweet boys are influential – In addition to being successful, sweet boys are a voice to reckon with in whatever industry which means not all men who are rich or successful can be sweet boys.

So have Yoruba demons rebranded to be called Sweet boys? No, they haven’t.

Sweet boys are the grandfathers of Yoruba demons. Yoruba Demons are learners where you have sweet boys so ladies don’t be fooled.

They are the ones you will go to church to give testimony for, the ones your friends would be slightly jealous of, the ones you’ll be quick to introduce to your family, the ones you’ll lose your senses for and definitely the ones to break your heart in the worst way possible.

Anybody can be a Yoruba demon but not all can be a member of the Sweet Boy Association, when you meet one, you’re going to need extra prayers.

 

THE PROBLEM WITH SEEKING PERFECTION

We all know that it is impossible to find something or someone perfect but somehow we all end up with these lists of what we may or may not want, without leaving room for mistakes. You can blame Hollywood or maybe Nollywood, but we cannot deny the fact that a lot of us have this warped idea of what our perfect spouse should be like and end up living in this bubble because we believe we can find the ‘one’… the perfect one.

For women, it is the man who is the ultimate provider, protector, and one who professes undying love from the top of the highest mountains. He has to be rolling in millions or maybe on his way there (fast), he must be a spiritual, financial and not to be left out, physical leader. He must love family (no mummy’s boys), treat everyone with respect, be romantic (Hollywood style), have no anger issues, must have attractive emotions (not too much) , must be great to look at, a GQ dresser, possibly be a member of the beard gang and must be ‘packing’ down below.

For men, it is the woman that has the brains of Michelle Obama, one who can be the first lady- the powerhouse but must come in the body of Kim Kardashian or maybe Beyonce. She must be a second mother but not treat him like a child, be opinionated yet subservient, she must be a great cook, prayer warrior, love kids, have controlled emotions, not dependent but not too independent and let’s not forget, she must know all the positions in the kama sutra.

They just have to be ‘perfect’

It is this quest for perfection that defines our dating society today. This contemporary dating game of jumping in and out of relationships so quickly without getting to know the person before we swipe left. One minute he’s everything you think you wanted until you realise he doesn’t send good morning texts and flowers “just because it’s Tuesday”, so you swipe left… or she’s your dream girl and more but doesn’t like to cook so, Next!

What we call dates are really interrogation sessions, searching for flaws, calling them ‘red flags’ without getting to know the person right in front of you. We ignore their history, we look at the now, walking around with mental checklists,  ticking the boxes we believe should be filled.

I am not saying you should settle, or take whatever is available, all I am saying is that the quest for the perfect one is a mission that will never be completed because there is no perfect person.

The problem with seeking perfection is that you remain single, waiting for an illusion to manifest and denying yourself the opportunity to really get to know people and possibly fall in love with who they truly are.

Love, relationships, and marriages are real, not perfect, that is, the ups, downs and everything in between. It is a never-ending process of uniting with someone who connects with you in every way including flaws.

Let’s step back from this fast-paced Hollywood idea of falling in love. No more Tinder-style relationships where you swipe left without deep thought, no more red flag hunting, no more jumping into beds only to jump out 2 days later, just good old conversation and understanding the people right in front of us.

If we all sought perfection, then no one would deserve to be given a chance, not even you.

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WHAT ARE MARRIED MEN LOOKING FOR ON TINDER? – JYTE

I have been on tinder for about seven months. Scratch that. I was on tinder for about seven months. I had to give myself brain and leave before somebody’s wife will come and pour me acid ‘by mistake’.

We lived in Warri and it was almost the norm to hear stories of wives and girlfriends who would visit their men’s side chicks and pour acid on them.  So, I grew up with a healthy fear of having anything to do with any man who is in a committed relationship. That aside, my moral compass points solidly in the direction of faithfulness.

I joined Tinder
1. Because I was bored.
2. Because a close friend had been on my case to put myself out there more and
3. I wanted to write about it and had to do the research.

I had been on OkCupid for about two months, about three years ago, so I had no illusions whatsoever about how online dating worked in Nigeria. Plus, I knew Tinder had somehow become the ‘hook-up’ place. I thought I was ready.

When I first got on Tinder, my profile was something like this:

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By the time I left, it was this:

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If I had stayed longer, I’d have added: MARRIED MEN PLEASE STAY THE FUCK AWAY, YOUR WIFE AND CHILDREN’S HEAD WILL CURSE YOU IF YOU AS MUCH AS SAY HI TO ME. YOUR FADA!

When I first joined, I quickly developed a system. I swiped left if you

  1. Looked like Shanowole.
  2. Were showing off money, a car, or the fact that you visited the abroad i.e positioned the photo such that white people showed in the background.
  3. Didn’t have a profile photo of yourself.
  4. Didn’t have a bio. Had a bio but spelt like a kindergartener. Had a bio but put some inspirational/Bible quote. Had a bio and referred to yourself as nice. Had the word “sapiosexual” in your bio. Had a bio but included the words ‘no hook-ups’. As if somebody offers you a hook-up you won’t accept. You just didn’t want to pay for it.
  5. Showed a dick print in any of your photos or had a nude photo. I don’t have ‘pay for sex’ money.
  6. Were white or light-skinned. (I broke this once and swiped right on a white guy. We matched and three lines into the chat he was basically saying “do something to entertain me”. Because I look like a circus monkey, abi?
  7. Had photos of your wife and children. Had photos of your goods and services, and I mean legit stuff like shoes, bags, Brazilian hair, etc.
  8. Looked like stress.

Towards the end, I decided to throw my list away and swipe right for everyone –except white men. I wanted to have an idea of the people who were swiping right for me and why. I did this for two weeks and I got some pretty good intel. Apparently, l look homely, like a good girl, which was funny because 85% of the guys just wanted to hook-up.  The other 15% were good for the conversation and got my Telegram handle. I was wary of giving out my number because I had a stalkerish experience in my first month on the app.

Then there were the married men. It’s one thing to have had Tinder when you were single and then you forgot to delete your account after you got married and it’s just lying fallow, and another to be actively using the app. Married people cheat. It is a fact of life I was introduced to as a 14-year-old and Papa Bayo asked me to be his girlfriend because “a man cannot be eating only egusi soup every day.”

What never ceases to surprise me is the level of impunity. You’re doing something disgraceful and utterly scummy and you don’t care who knows. Tinder is used by people all over the world. Do the visuals not bother you? The blatant disrespect to your spouse. To someone you very likely made a vow of fidelity to, does it not bother you? Open marriages – a concept I do not buy into at all – exist. I’m not talking about those. I’m talking about guys who will obviously try to make sure their wives don’t find out they’re talking to another woman.  And the funniest thing is they will still add “not here for hook-ups” in their bio. Is this not stupidity of the highest order?

I know the answer to my question. I am not that naïve, but it makes me sad that this is the marriage that society keeps pressuring single people to jump into. Thank God there are couples who are doing the right thing and showing that it is not all bad. Chukwu gozie unu.

Within two days of chatting with a guy, I asked if he was married or in a relationship. Most of them admitted up front. And I unmatched immediately. In one case I was less vigilant and didn’t get a clear response because said person was a Catholic like me, easy to talk to and good looking in a Brother Chinonso way. Funny enough, and I told him, he had a married air about him. We had lunch and I remembered that due diligence hadn’t been done. So, I asked if he was married and he said he was. Hay God! I mentally clutched my breast. This is how bad thing used to happen to somebody. What if he had been gaslighting his wife and she decided to follow him that day? Is that how I would have been caught in the crossfire? Innocent me.

I closed that road. Fast. I am not interested in being friends. Na from clap dance dey start. It’s so easy to say, “We’re just talking and hanging out,” and next thing you’re doing emotional and physical kerewa with somebody’s spouse.

If you’re thinking of joining Tinder, I have one advice. Keep an open mind. There are a lot of idiots out there, people that don’t have sense at all. But amid all that are people like you who are looking for a little bit of human connection away from their everyday lives. If you’re lucky, you’ll find them.

Watch out for my upcoming single: Can’t we just be friends? Coming soon.

HOW NOT TO BE TREATED AS ONE OF THE GUYS (as advised by men)

Men and women can be friends, as a matter of fact, I like that I have the ability to be friends with guys and girls at the same time. I guess growing up as a tomboy and having mostly male cousins around me taught me how to get along with guys, understand guy jokes, being free with them e.t.c.

Thing is, being so ‘cool’ with male gender brings the problem of being treated as one of the ‘guys’. Just imagine, you meet someone, you like him, you’re getting to know him, before long you’re either talking about cars and video games and next thing you might be the one he’ll be asking for a hook up with some chic or asking you for advice on another chic he likes.
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Let’s face it, no one wants to be friend zoned or worse still, sister-zoned and this is an unfortunate occurrence that happens a lot to women. I, personally know how many good guys I have met that have either friend zoned, sister zoned or mother zoned me in the last how many years of my life (worse now that I am a single mother).

So I decided to ask the guys of the #SIGNATION, what a sister had to do to NOT be treated as one of the guys, and here is what they had to say.

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  • Be yourself – Truth is guys will see you whichever way their brain interprets it and to try to change who you are in any way would mean being untrue to yourself.  Guys see through that in a heartbeat and are turned off by it so don’t change who you are for anything.
  • Say what you want – Be clear about what you’re about and what you want with the guy in question. I know in our society, it could be mistaken as being forward or desperate but that’s the risk you must be willing to take or you will be zoned out.
  • If you end up in an FWB situation, refer to #2 – Being stuck in an FWB (friends with benefit) situation is worse than being friend zoned. Having sex with your crush complicates things further because you most likely start acting like the girlfriend without the ‘commitment’ until they find someone else and then tell you they’d have to let you go. If you ever end up here (because sometimes our bodies can do anyhow) make sure to refer to #2 above and if the person is not on the same page with you, then please walk away.
  • Have Solo hangouts – If you notice that he only hangs out with you in groups, especially with his other guy friends, then you need to come out of that by cutting off group hangouts. Invite him for a dinner or a play or stuff that couples would do and if he’s smart enough, he’ll get the hint before long, if not, then my sister I don’t know again.
  • Avoid taking charge ALL the time – If you have an independent mind like me, you’ll occasionally want to take charge of a situation. The guys advice against as it makes guys either awkward or they will see you as ‘one of the guys’. Their advice is to allow them to do things and if you want to take charge, do it subtly through suggestions. A man wants to still feel like a man around any woman.
  • Don’t be the mother – You might have to turn down your nurturing personality around the guys. He is an adult, so resist the urge to fuss over the guy. Even guys with mom fetishes don’t want the fussy mothers, they want the hot MILF. It’s okay to take care of people and actually be in charge but with a potential “him” you need to be his baby.

And that’s it from the men in the group!. Now you tell me, do you agree or disagree? Have you been treated as one of the guys by your crush and somehow got to date/marry him? Use the comment box below and let’s hear your thoughts.

THE BREAKUP CHECKLIST

A few weeks ago, I was invited to the EbonyLife TV Moments’ roundtable, Girls Talk, to share my thoughts on having a checklist after a breakup.

Watch and let me know what you think

So what do you think?

What are the right steps to take after a breakup?

Should every woman have a checklist to consider before moving onto the next relationship after a breakup?

Use the comment box below, let’s discuss