MARRIAGE IS A CULT!

Marriage is a beautiful thing; imagine spending your lifetime with someone who gets you, someone you understand, becoming one and finishing each other’s sentences or whatever you married people do that’s unique to your relationship, no shade intended.

However, marriage is and should not be the one and only important goal of a female homosapien. Sadly our society(Nigerian) will not let someone be great and think a woman’s life mission statement should be ” I must marry by fire by thunder”.

Don’t get me wrong, I love this complex yet beautiful institution called marriage. Imagine having your own personal masseuse, someone to not talk to for half a day because you’re angry at the imaginary/trivial thing they did or someone to laugh with until tears roll down your cheeks, how about having your own personal “lab rat” to test your “mad” experiments on. Imagine having someone to make you a watermelon and avocado sandwich at 2am because you’re having the oddest of cravings as a result of carrying “the one who will continue your family lineage and perhaps unachieved parental goals and dreams”.

Oh this is not why people get married? Ehen angel of marital affairs, weidon sir/ma, this is my fantasy please, go and find your own.

See, I’ve lost the plot sef! Where was I? Ranting about marriage, ehen let us continue….

Marriage requires a constant understanding that you both come from different backgrounds, with different experiences and belief systems that have shaped you as individuals, it means understanding that you will have to work at it and not solely depend on love to hold you together. In the words of sister Rihanna, you have to work,work,work,work,work.

Now you get the picture I’m trying to paint, I’m sure you’ll agree when I say that this means it might take some time for you to find that special person and there’s actually nothing wrong with that. Imagine the effort you may need to actualise this great feat and then someone will now open their buccal cavity and spew things like “you’re not getting any younger, goan marry o”, “it’s better to do it early and be done with childbearing”, “My sister don’t be selective o! All men are the same” etc.

Eskiss ma/sir, it’s like your body temperature is fluctuating abi??

I believe marriage is a cult, now don’t run off yet, I promise I’m going somewhere with this statement. I believe it’s a cult because they say “join us, join us, join us”, okay probably not in that ominous tone but still in an almost frenzied tone drizzled with a little bit of sympathy.

However, they will not let you in on the dark and deepest secrets it holds. So when you enter and see that it’s a lot more than what your BellaNaija-esq rosy coloured glasses showed you and you start wondering what you actually got yourself into, they will be the first to jump up and say  “my sister! na so marriage be oh, make you just dey pray.” “I go borrow you my War Room DVD”, “My sister fight it on your knees” Tah! keep chut dia! I pray that the Lord will deliver us from all these “cult” members.

I believe married women should be truthful to their single friends, tell her about the days you sit on the couch and wonder what sin you committed in your former life to be stuck with a man who thinks it’s cute to leave the sink a mess after every meal, wears his socks more than once or some other gross tale. You should be real enough to admit that it takes a conscious effort from both parties to achieve the coveted goals hashtag, talk about the harrowing moments and how you had to set your prides aside and fight for each other, let them know that they need to be ready to stand their ground, be silly, forgive etc. It does no one any good when you reply “my dear don’t worry your own will come” when your single friend likes or comments on those loving photos of your spouse. In short, this should be banned, I actually think whenever anyone writes that, their phone should zap them a bit!

Before you ask someone why they are not married or comment on their lack of spouse, please be sure that they WANT to get married. I know a lot of people are in great marriages and want as many people to experience that but please apply wisdom to your enthusiasm.
Don’t be insensitive, most times people’s private lives are what they are ;PRIVATE and should remain that way, if you are THAT desperate, ask God and He’ll show you or your village juju but we all know where that rabbit hole leads to….

RUNAWAY BRIDE

I want to elope….

Everyone keeps saying my mother will be disappointed if I elope or go to the registry with the required witnesses and get married. They say it’s a day of joy and every parent looks forward to it, how it should be the best day of my life, how it has to be traditionally done; bride price and all the works.No one asks if I really want to have a wedding with the whole works.

I was never the little girl who dreamt about her wedding or fantasised about the husband and all those tiny and somewhat irrelevant details movies like to fill our heads with. I always had this odd outlook about weddings; it was one of the many things on my life’s checklist, tick and move on. I never had an opinion about it or what my “dream” wedding would look or feel like. Make we just marry, officially do the sontin and start our life abeg!

I planned a wedding 4 years ago and a lot of things felt like an unnecessary hassle to me, I didn’t want bridesmaids but had to because it would look “picture perfect”. My “200 people is a big wedding” outlook was laughed at and by the time my brother and I were done drawing up a list of “compulsory” guests, I was considering having an absentee wedding. On a serious note, we see some of those “woman/man holding photo and looking one kain” stories on blogs and wonder why, here’s what I think; they may have been drained by the planning stage and were like “abeg put photo there, snap, make una do party.”

I felt drained when the relationship didn’t work out and I was left with wedding paraphernalia; a self-made almost finished bouquet, jewellery made by my friend and lots of explanations to the “concerned parties”,not forgetting the “we are not doing again” calls to vendors.

I will not even talk about the Nigerian wedding industry and how some brides might feel pressured to go along with the “picture perfect” themes. See ehn, wedding is just a day o, one day and bam it’s all over, no need to drink garri in the first few months of your life together. Before you call me a hatur, if you have the money biko spend away, but I believe your wedding should be one that makes you feel loved by your intending partner, friends and family. You should look back and smile because it reflected your personalities and not be stressed at the memory of the caterer’s horrendous food, MC that shouted like a his balance depended on it or your photographer forgetting to take off the lens cap! This might seem like a sub or diss but this unfortunately happened to a few people I know!

I’ve been called jaded and influenced by western views( my all time favourite), how the wedding ceremony is not for me but for my family and friends, what will your fiancé think? I believe he will clue himself in, I’m saving him tons of money so what’s not to love?

The most important thing should be does he rock your world? Do you rock his? If yes, why can’t you rock your day without people who don’t like you but want to eat/drink you dry whilst complaining about any and everything.

Disclaimer: this is not a representation of all Nigerian wedding guests.

If I have a proper “naija” wedding ceremony, it might not be not of my own free will and I might have been brainwashed and will need rescuing! Actually, it could be that I was blessed with a man who had always had a plan for his “dream” wedding, yes that type of man exists! Anyways, my friend always says “elope or have a small wedding if you want to, it doesn’t really matter because if you get married and not tell anyone, people will get upset but they cannot be upset forever or else we’ll start suspecting them!”

I want to elope and I’m certain there are some JuliaRobert-esq people out there wondering how to implement their runaway bride goals! Come and play in the comment section, don’t worry this is a safe space *wink*

ONLINE DATING IN NIGERIA

I recently had a hilarious conversation with my older brother around online dating which made its way to my Instagram story. Trust my Oga to sniff out content, she swiftly informed me that a post could be made from said conversation. So here I am writing about my experience with online dating. I met Mr B on Facebook, Mr E and I on Twitter and a few other men via social media platforms so maybe I’m an online dating veteran. Disclaimer: I do not have a hoard of men sliding in my DMs and I’m perplexed that a few people think I do. Biko erase this thought and don’t be intimidated to slide in my DM. Okay now that’s out of the way, let’s get this started!

Online dating : The practice of searching for a romantic or sexual partner on the Internet, typically via a dedicated website.

As a hip and savvy person, I had to find some definitions from the “wonderful” Urban Dictionary. So let me amuse you with a few definitions.

“A place where only desperate and/or ugly people go to meet. You may find yourself thinking “I can’t believe i’m actually resorting to this”

OR

“Online Dating is where you call, text or email the person which is your online gf/bf and send pictures and talk on the phone and meet each-other in real life.”

Now that we have the definitions out of the way, let’s get back to my experience with this wonderful concept. My entry into this world was due to boredom, I must also confess that it was largely influenced by my “maybe I can date an oyibo” phase. I wasn’t looking for anything serious and I didn’t really think anyone would swipe or send me a message. So I signed up to match.com and Tinder, created my profiles, did a few thumb exercises and went to work!

One beautiful day, while I was superficially swiping right and left, bam! I found the teaching assistant that handled my social media marketing module. I was like Chineke me! Chai!! I promptly deactivated my account, deleted the app and tried to erase the image of my lecturer telling the internet that he was an easygoing and adventurous guy looking for a fun partner.

Please don’t judge me, I know Mr Lecturer too needs love and the PhD life can be a lonely one but seeing him on Tinder jerked me back to reality. Timiebi you are not cut out for online dating except you’re looking to knack.
I believe Imarose has talked about this online dating and knacking phenomenon

Then I tried match.com, it was alright and would’ve been a better experience if I wasn’t a tightfisted pseudo Ijebu woman, £30 per month to talk to person for internet, hian! I will use that money to buy confident boosting items and hit the streets. Back to the gist, I had some weird and awkward conversations and one lovely one that upgraded to the whatsapp stage before it all fizzled out. He was a nice British man who loved the simple life and was looking for a partner to share life’s journey or something along those sappy lines.

Fast forward to 2016, I was having a conversation with my friend about his Tinder struggles, so I downloaded the app again and got a match within 24hours, my peng-o-metre was off the chats! Of course I had to screenshot it and send to him! Dude hadn’t gotten any positive swipes and I was thrilled to add to his annoyance. Yes, I’m petty and I know it!.(please read this line in LMFAO’s voice)

The irony here is that about 90% of the people I call friends now, I met online. One would think I would embrace online dating abi? Maybe I will try again but for now, I am happy to make weird and awkward facial expressions at boys and see where that leads. #TeamAwkwardDatersUnite

Online dating in Nigeria is a scary concept for me, I have seen a few sponsored Instagram posts about a Nigerian online dating site, I clicked on the profile and all I saw were copied photos of couples and weak captions asking people to join their site.

I think about online dating in Nigeria and all I can imagine is the Yoruba demon association holding weekly meetings to strategise and implement their goals, visions and target. Father Lord be a defence around my heart! The average Nigerian is perfect at packaging and online dating is a place where falsehood sometimes reigns supreme, so I’m sure you understand why I’m skeptical about trying online dating.

If you don’t get anything from this post, please erase this fallacy that “a woman talking to man on the internet must be sizing him up for the kill” (kill here being dragging him to the altar) and dear brother of mine, musing about a man’s age aloud doesn’t mean I’m “looking” for men on the internet!

DATING IN LAGOS IS A HUSTLE

I’ve spent 3 months in Nigeria and I am scarred by the hustle that it is to “get a man”, I’m here like wawu, this is tad much, I’m not doing again o! Actually, my dating innocence was yanked out of my fragile heart the first day I moved back to Nigeria but I blamed jet-lag and trudged on. However, I have seen the light and I can confess that dating in Lagos is a real hustle. 

When people ask me why I came back to Nigeria (like England was my grandfather’s village *side eye*) I always respond with “I came to look for a husband” as it shocks them to silence for a bit before they proceed to give unsolicited advice (that’s our middle name in this Nigeria) “ah you are not going to the right places oh”, “maybe you should make up and wear less hobo-ey outfits”. Okay, they don’t really use the word “hobo” but I’ve termed my fashion style hobo-chic so any attempt at challenging it is a stab at the hobo life #teamHobosUnite

For someone who is still in a “maybe kinda sorta wanna” get married phase, writing about dating might seem pretentious but who will I disturb with my semi-dating life if not you, yes you reading this and wondering what you got yourself into! Hehehehe you’re stuck on me like Beyoncé to the fierce life! 

So what am I looking for and why am I considering dating when I’m not even sure I’m ready for this part of life? In all honesty, I don’t want to date, I just want someone who is MINE. That’s the only word that fully explains what I’m looking for, MINE; no games, no emotional filter, just simply MINE. 

I want a man I can be open with; not necessarily married to but just open. Someone I can tell how I feel without wondering if I’m giving too much away, no scheming, no holding back, no second guessing because y’all are not really there yet. 

My name is Timiebi aka Quirkytims and I’ve recently discovered that dating in Lagos is a hustle and I’m not sure I’m truly ready for it.