MONYHONY & IMAROSE: THE OIL AND WATER OF ATTRACTION

Most dating advice promises to lead us to lasting love, but erodes our chance of ever finding it; I find that many of these dos and don’ts do more harm than good. It relentlessly focuses on one thing — your attractiveness, your ability to tease a man’s ego and your ability to control a man’s emotions by playing mind games. In reality, the secret to success is less about your attractiveness and the rules but more about you.

The list is endless:

  • Learn to be irresistible.
  • Play hard to get.
  • Be a damsel in distress.
  • Act confident.
  • Become an alpha female who doesn’t need a man.
  • Attract an alpha man.
  • Try to control him.
  • Become a feminine goddess.
  • Become a bitch.

These tips shine with the promise of self-transformation, but embedded within is an ugly Trojan Horse — the belief that, when it really comes down to it, you’re simply not attractive enough. One guy said to my flat mate, if more women would take off their weaves and go without makeup, at least let a man see a real person, maybe men would marry them.

Seductive and compelling as it may be, these facade paths are a decoy and a detour from intimacy. It subtly teaches us to be ashamed of our humanity (the real person that exists underneath that seven layers of foundation and thick concealer and 30 inches weaves), which is why it’s bound to fail. We can’t hold our stomachs in forever. Expecting to wake up before your man and put on makeup before he is up is utterly unrealistic. We’re not seamlessly confident. We are sometimes — maybe more than sometimes — needy. Becoming “irresistible” is not a sane goal. Nor does it work, because when our humanity feels like a shameful secret, we have no choice but to push love away.

That’s not to say that becoming more attractive isn’t a great thing; it is. It’s a gift to ourselves and to our future partner. Yet when it becomes our primary path to finding love, it’s like being slowly poisoned, without ever knowing the source.

I know, because I’ve been seen many women who are completely different beings around a man than they naturally are.

There is a much more fruitful path, which also happens to lead to a happier life. I was counseling with SIG’s Monica once and she said to me “you need to find out for yourself why you attract men who treat you this way, afterward figure out why you stay with them”.

I didn’t get it then, I was almost upset that she even said that to me because it felt like she was blaming me for how these men chose to act. It took me a while to figure my life out and what I really wanted; one day while I was doing something entirely non-engaging, a light bulb went off in my head and I got it.

What Monica was saying to me is that this “path” involves a focus not just on our attractiveness, but on our attractions in other words; self-awareness; things about you that often calls forth a certain kind of man to you. No it is not a spiritual problem, it is not the witches and wizards it is you, it is me.

Some psychologists call it “self-fulfilling prophesy” others call it “self-sabotage partners”. It is the same thing that Mary Jane Paul in Being Mary-Jane does. Always choosing men that are not good for her or chasing away the good ones so that she can fulfill the belief that she is too successful to find love and all men are trash.

There’s a deeper physics to the subject of attraction (what we attract and what is attracted to us) and most of us have never been given the tools to understand it. Talk to Monica people, she will sort you out.

Here are some concepts I’ve learned and found immensely helpful for anyone who desires both romantic love and a richer understanding of his/her own life:

1. While we can’t force our attractions, we can educate them.

We truly can change the nature and shape of our romantic and sexual attractions. It’s not a quick process; like turning a ship at sea, it takes time for our attractions to change, but I’ve seen it in my own life and in the lives of many of my friends. In the book Deeper Dating, Ken Page describes two categories of attractions which most of us experience: attractions of deprivation and attractions of inspiration.

In attractions of deprivation, our desire is fueled by the longing to get someone to finally, finally love or treat us in the way that is loving towards us, essentially stable, committed, and kind way. These attractions can be incredibly seductive. They can feel like real love, but in the end, they leave us depleted because we have wasted so much energy in making a grown up change their ways. Steve Harvey said something that resonated with me a long time ago about trying to make a man change he said “yes people change but it is not up to you to enforce that change, but a man will change not because a woman loves him but because he the man loves the woman and wants her in his life”

Happily, almost all of us can also experience attractions of inspiration, which are far more likely to lead to happiness. These relationships have a warmth and an ease to them. In these relationships, our challenge is to accept and return our partner’s caring, not to continuously try to win that caring. Attractions of inspiration are fueled by the sense of well-being these relationships create in us, not by the unrelenting itch for something that’s denied us. Longing for something a man cannot, will not or does not have the capacity to give is usually the first sign that we are with the wrong one for us.

When we learn to recognize the types of attractions of deprivation we repeatedly get drawn into, we can make the choice to avoid them. It’s not easy work, but it’s the key to a happier romantic future.

2. Our attractions can educate us.

After a while, as I thought about all the things Monica had to say, this is what I understand it to be as described perfectly in the words of the Spanish philosopher Jose Ortega Y Gasset: “The type of human being we prefer reveals the contours of our heart.” Our attractions of deprivation reveal to us the parts of ourselves we haven’t yet learned to love, which is why we allow them to be trampled upon”.

And our attractions of inspiration teach us the path to life’s happiness. I’ve come to strongly believe that the parts of ourselves we think we need to hide, suppress, and tone down are often the most beautiful and important parts — the very parts that will draw people who will love us for who we are. I call these our “Core Gifts.”

3. Here is what I know to be true, the more we learn to cherish our own humanity and stop trying to force ourselves into more attractive packaging, we begin to find ourselves meeting (and being attracted to) people who are kinder, more generous, and more available.

This never ceases to amaze me and we find ourselves less likely to want to run for the hills when, amazingly, they like us back. Far better than attempting to become irresistible is the heroic act of becoming ourselves — and gaining the dignity to only choose people who value us for who we really are. That’s when our search for love stops being a painful game of chance and becomes a journey that’s truly worth our time. Ask anyone who has ever found love, it happened when they least expected it and were busy living their best lives!

Selah = pause and think about it ☺

LOVE, ABUSE AND REVENGE PORN?

Last week I was cracking my head thinking of what to write for this week when Rob Kardashian blessed the world with good material. This story could offhandedly generate more stories for bloggers than the “twitter President” Donald Trump does on a daily basis.

And so it began

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Where do I even start from? So Rob like play like play started dating Blac Chyna, to be honest, I’m not sure what else she does except being an Instagram model and Tyga’s baby mama, I think she has a hustle somewhere but please correct me if I’m wrong (don’t count being a vixen). They got engaged after three months of dating and of course, she was pregnant.

The whole relationship seemed like a joke to many except Rob. I am not saying three months is too short but the history of Chyna VS the Kardashians was not one to be overlooked. In case you didn’t know the story, let me put on my aproko hat for you, so in summary Chyna, Kim and Khloe used to be really good friends, she introduced her then fiance and baby-daddy, Tyga to the family and somehow the Kardashian baby sister, Kylie, who was 16 at the time started dating Tyga.  Because blood is thicker than water, the Kardashians stuck together and Chyna was on her own…until two years later.

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Two years after, Chyna starts dating Rob Kardashian and before you know it they are engaged and showing their one-sided love on their own reality show. This girl tried every trick in the book to milk this family, from engagement to trying to trademark the name, Angela Kardashian but we all thought maybe there was love somewhere in there and were even buying the idea of their union more when their daughter, Dream was born.  

Then last week happened, Rob posted nude pictures of Chyna, cheating-receipts (pictures and a video) of Chyna on Instagram tagging her and she even liked one of her naked pictures, the babe no send at all. The internet was buzzing, Twitter, Instagram and Rob versus Chyna debates, it was a bit overwhelming but at the same time I was slightly irritated

 

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Relationship hell is the worst, right? For anyone who’s been there — and I know I’m not alone — there’s nothing more heartbreaking than the sickening feeling of something warm growing cold, something sweet going sour, something compassionate turning contemptuous, something supportive becoming destructive, and your source of love and healing becoming the cause of toxic damage. Suddenly, what seemed to be working so well is not, like the shiny car you drive off the dealer’s lot that collapses down the road in a heap of broken parts. I am sure Rob Kardashian was struggling with how everyone kept saying Chyna was up to no good with “but I was just in heaven, how did I get to this infernal place?”

Some relationships are troubled from the start — and we know it. But the deeply dysfunctional ones, the ones we get subtly and unwittingly enmeshed in that have the potential to shatter our lives, tend to start off smoothly and are often dreamy at the beginning. That is exactly how Rob and Chyna started out; all like a “Dream”.

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I have tried to have a good opinion or even empathy for this woman, but I haven’t found it in myself to do so. Was Rob wrong for posting her nude pictures? Absolutely, but Chyna is no victim deserving of any empathy.

Why you say?

Well, I could never understand how love can go from loving to attempting to destroy a person. I know not all relationships are built to last but if you ever had any respect or love for the person, no matter how mad they make you, you will leave them alone.

Blac Chyna is a gold digger who planned her whole existence from Rob’s life but she wasn’t going to leave without a huge payout on top her 18 years life insurance, sorry, I mean child support for the beautiful baby she has with Rob. So she decides to get various men into a bed she shared with Rob and had the audacity to allow those men wear his house coat, document it and send him her cheating receipts. Blac Chyna provoked Rob and yes his attentions were wrong but I bet most of us humans would have done the exact same irrational act, if not worse when pushed to the wall like so. 

The issue is not whether or not revenge porn is wrong (we all know it is), my perspective is purely based on the fact that a mean gold-digging woman took advantage of a man and some people are defending and praising her, but if the tables were turned, we would call it abuse. 

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Blac Chyna is NOT a women’s rights advocate and if you are one of those saying that then I am sorry for you. It is actually repulsive and upsetting how quick ‘cliché’ feminists seek to use every and any opportunity to talk about women’s right and turn a blind eye to how her actions led an emotionally hurt man to break the law.

Rob already has a history of depression, not that it is an excuse but he was emotionally abused further by Blac Chyna. We need to call a spade a spade and not be so biased about it as women.

Emotional abuse is the worst kind of abuse in my books and no one deserves it, either male or female. 

It is obvious that Robert Kardashian is an emotionally abused man who didn’t know how to handle his anger. In this case, the abused also became the abuser. 

Let’s discuss: –

Do you agree with me or do you think otherwise? What are your thoughts on revenge porn and abuse? Use the comment box below

Imarose

HOW DO YOU FIGHT?

The older I get, the more I understand  what it means to say  “love is not enough”. Recently Mr. C has been having stupidity remorse and trying to talk about why we didn’t work out and if there was a possibility of reconciliation. I keep telling him I am in love and happy and the man won’t leave me alone.

Apparently, Hausa men have egos bigger than the whole of Africa and feel too entitled. Anyways, I have gone past that and these days, I really just want the best for him, I want him to be happy and I want him to be OK with the fact that we will never be together!

One day, I had this crazy period pain and was on bed rest the whole weekend and was bored enough to have accepted Mr. C ‘s offer to talk about a relationship that ended since 2015.  He wanted to know why I couldn’t work it out if I really loved him. It was so interesting to revisit certain things and talk about it from a very detached perspective. I swear I believe everyone should sometimes reach out to their exes and talk about why they didn’t work out, however, only do this when you are healed and have no vested interest.

Let’s face it, with the way our generation is, statistically speaking, relationships are more likely to break up than to stay together. All you need to do is scan your relationship history to find evidence of this.

The reasons relationships fail are as varied as because of the fact that we humans very different and complex. The truth is, while every ending has its own unique story, relationship breakups fall into anyone and sometimes more of these documented categories:

  • Trust issues
  • Dishonesty/Deception/Cheating
  • Communication issues
  • Differences in relationship expectations
  • Differences in life priorities
  • Inability of one or both partners to manage their emotions
  • Differences in values.

That said, there is no one indicator that can predict, with amazing accuracy why relationships end, there is no one size fits all and sometimes typical pontifications do not apply. However, here is why I think most relationships end, it has to do with how you fight.

Fight in this post has to do with arguments not throwing punches. That one you do not need to learn, if anyone punches you, pack your bags and be going…mbok.

As I was saying, this assumption is based on the fact that all relationships have conflicts. I’m usually surprised that people are not prepared for fights and conflicts in their relationships and are even more surprised when they are uncomfortable with the fight cool-off stage.  Personally, I always take out time to cool down before going back to ‘normal’. Which brings me to this note

PSA – it is not okay to fight and act like nothing happened afterward. It is vicious and it is a form of emotional abuse. As a normal person, you must take the time to cool off, talk about it before moving on.

Every relationship has conflict. Which makes knowing how to have a fight the most important relationship skill you’ll ever acquire—Or…the most expensive skill you’ll choose not to learn. Relationship expert John Gottman, says he can predict whether a marriage will end in divorce with 94 percent accuracy based on how the couple fight. And engaging in this one behavior turns out to be the strongest indicator of divorce—which is a lot more expensive than learning relationship skills.  So, without further delay here you go:

The number one predictor of whether your relationship is headed for a cliff boils down to whether or not either you or your partner treats the other with contempt when they drive you crazy and they deserve to be treated like that.

You know the disdain you feel when someone who should know better lets you down. It’s when you feel as though you’re better than your partner (presuming it’s you who engages in it, and for the simplicity of writing this). It’s an energy of repulsion that arises from within you during fights. Maybe that disgust causes you to scream so loudly that the neighbors can hear – or maybe it seeps from your pores as you glare silently at your partner during a conflict. It can also look more benign like eye-rolling or an unwillingness to validate your partner’s feelings or choosing to punish them just because they have hurt you.

I know, I know. We’ve all felt and done it. The difference is some of us, even though we know love shouldn’t be anything but kind, choose to express our anger in a manner that will pierce our partner’s soul and hurt them. These days we are so selfish that relationships have become a competition of who can hurt the other person the most.  I know that contempt isn’t a functional emotion for relationships but it is a real emotion that we all feel when the person we love drives us crazy. It presupposes that the person experiencing it is better than the other, but how we handle this contempt in times of high intensity determines whether or not our relationships will go the distance.

It is important that we all learn to handle fights in any form of relationship especially an intimate one. What are you saying? What is your partner saying? but most of all what have you learned from the supposed fight about yourself, your partner or the situation. There is nothing more frustrating than to fight over and over about the same thing before you know it, it becomes a vicious and abusive relationship.

Speaking of which, have you noticed the increasing trend of people walking out of bad, unhealthy and abusive relationships? Well, only Jesus Christ died to redeem human beings.  If you have a bad attitude fix it, if you are in “meanest son or daughter of a bit$h competition” with the devil, take your wickedness to the cross and crucify it there. Stop expecting people to put up with you in the name of love.

That’s it from me, what do you think? how have you been able to resolve conflict in your relationship? has your way of fighting cost you a good friendship/relationship in the past? Let’s talk about it 

Love,

Imarose

THE LOGIC OF WANTING WHO DOESN’T WANT YOU

Dear Single women in Lagos, what is with the scarcity mentality?

What is it with women these days acting like men are running out of fashion, so they fight each other and do desperate things just to get and keep a man. I find this interesting because, men don’t do this and from experience, I know that a man cannot be gotten or kept unless he truly wants to be with you.

Remember my friend? Well, I have come to the conclusion that, she is officially addicted to being taken for granted by a man. She told me in March, that they were “somehow” back together, but she asked him, to be honest with her and describe his ideal woman. She said what he described was a complete opposite of who she is.  So I asked, why are you with him? What is so attractive about being with someone who doesn’t see you as his type?

You can be spiritual about it and say looks don’t matter or you can be realistic enough to know that men are physical beings!

I eventually had to tell her that I was no longer interested in listening to her talk about her relationship with this man because I could not understand why my friend would believe she has a special power to change a man and make him want her when he has made it clear countless times.

I am slowly coming to the conclusion that wanting what doesn’t want you is really born out of entitlement and a control mentality.

Yes I know moments of unrequited love, crush or lust can be tough. Scratch that — they may feel sad, confusing, lonely, and vulnerable. And yet they are a tough reality of togetherness and separateness. Sometimes the person you most want just wants to have sex and doesn’t necessarily want to do the love/relationship thing with you. Sometimes it’s even harder: they may choose to not be clear about what they want, they will lead you on because they enjoy your company and intelligence but do not necessarily want a relationship with you. But I believe we owe it to ourselves to get clarity and move on if they are not on the same page.

See, we can’t control what other people decide to do with their lives. Not only can we not control it but sometimes the kindest, most compassionate response is to acknowledge that whatever the other person chose is perhaps best for them at the moment. Trying to rationalize their behavior or guilt trip them is actually selfish. Maybe they are not trying to be cruel or wicked to you. Perhaps they know themselves quite well and they’ve decided that they can’t look into your eyes, take your phone calls, or come home to you anymore. Sometimes people won’t want us and we should be adult enough to be okay with it, especially if it’s what helps the other person to move on with their life.

I know you may have read all of this and still think maybe I should try harder to win them over. And I agree with you, I mean we can all try for a second or tenth chance but at what point do you decide to let go and move on? Now that’s the mystery of love, lust, and obsession.

KEEPING A ‘HIGH-QUALITY’ MAN

As women, no matter how enlightened we’ve become in our approach to dating, an outdated set of rules that took root in earlier generations which still exists in our heads today. The saddest and most ironic part about these rules is that they were created by women on how to date men.

A while ago, a friend of mine was having an emotional meltdown because she believes  a man who wants you should shower you with attention 24 hours a day. I disagreed as a matter of fact, I would feel freaked out if a man I was getting to know was that way. Why? Because I think men deal on the law of equity- because he is more invested as times goes on and is liking what he is experiencing with a woman, thus, opening up to her more and showing her with attention, gift bla bla.

So my friend calls me from ‘the abroad’ for support on a day that I wasn’t feeling particularly upbeat, I put her on hold and called my male bestie in London because he gives me very sound advice, and is responsible for a lot of what has come to be my perspective on how men see things. If you are reading this, thanks B.Umaru.

Her situation was, she was dating this “high quality” man, a high quality is a man who is seemingly serious with his life, has it all together career wise bla-bla. The problem is, he didn’t give her the attention she felt she deserves so she was always doing things that would drive the dude insane. Even I would lose it if I experienced some of the things she told me she had done to the guy.

So my frantic friend would give people the guy’s number to call just to see if he picks since he wasn’t picking her calls and responding to her WhatsApp messages on time; stalk him, show up at his office whenever he said he was working late just to confirm if it was the truth; she went plain kuku. After a while, dude decides to use Truecaller to find the strange numbers calling me and he realised they were all her friends. That pretty much was the end of their relationship because he could no longer take it anymore.

As women we get this idea that a man should think of us 24 hours a day and constantly talk to us. Personally, I don’t like that sort of attention, I prefer space to breathe and evaluate what I’m feeling with a man. The more I grow older and dating high quality man, the more I understand that a man’s needs in a relationship shouldn’t be the same as ours. Men and women receive and give love differently.

Both parties need to learn to adapt to each other’s ways of doing so. But it will be a lifetime process. My friend B was like the only man who can stay in constant communication with a woman all day every day is a manipulator who desperately wants something or a lazy and jobless man.

Not only are the dating rules of dating as we used to know not valid, they were not from a male perspective. But a lot of us women are automatically unknowingly turning good men off with counterproductive expectations and set of rules that were designed by women.

Because I am nice 😉 , I will share with you what B said about how to date and keep a real high-quality man. I’ve expanded on five of B’s points here;

1. Express your feelings in a measured manner season with respect
There’s a difference between open communication and desperation or just plain spitting anger. It’s common at the beginning of any promising new relationship to want to spend virtually all your time together and openly express the intense feelings that begin percolating, but doing so without moderation can make you appear clingy, desperate or overly dependent. A man who has a busy career might like a woman a lot but struggle with fitting out into his life, hence, leaving eventually. B said the sad part of it is, men don’t know how to verbalize their frustrations, so they will internalize it and keep watching until they can’t take it anymore.

2. Don’t pretend, embrace your personality
For decades women were advised to maintain a demure disposition, as opinions and intelligence were considered unfeminine characteristics that would drive away potential suitors. Though women’s rights have evolved tremendously since then, present-day daters continue to mute their personalities in order to appear cute or even submissive. Sample survey of all the married men currently chasing me are men who claim to be bored with their wives. Don’t be afraid to let your real personality shine through, but don’t be over the top and too much in handle in the process”

3. Making him jealous
Inciting jealousy by openly flirting with other guys or talking about an ex is usually intended to make you more desirable to the object of your affection, even though doing so actually has the exact opposite effect. Remember, quality men don’t really want to play games. When you find yourself tempted to bring up an ex needlessly or dart to another man with the sole intention of making your current one jealous, redirect that energy toward figuring out what caused that instinct to kick in the first place.

4. Babying him
Remember my friend who got pregnant to show her man she shares with other woman who doesn’t want to marry her that he is not impotent? I still see that dude, waking up one day and marrying some random babe, he just met who isn’t taking his bullshit. Babying a man never allows him to grow. Besides, it doesn’t allow a man to rise to the occasion of straightening his bullshit and get his life together when you see him as a project that needs to be fixed.  Sure, everyone wants a partner who takes care of them, but you’re not trying to replace his mother here. While many single women of generations past may have viewed their roles as girlfriends and wives in a more functional light, men today find this dynamic oppressive, controlling and overbearing. Give him space to make his own decisions, fail and learn from his own mistakes like a man. And when those maternal instincts kick in, find ways to express them in a loving manner but don’t try to control the outcome or worry about whether or not he takes your advice, address him as an equal, say it and leave it

5. Playing hard to get
Game-playing and mixed signals are things of the past and I believe only immature and insecure men find women who do this appealing. I am not saying be a lay about or a passive woman, but don’t keep trying to push to see how far you can push the limit. There are plenty of fishes in the sea; if I were a man, I will just say next. While a slight challenge can be exhilarating for men, giving them too much guesswork will appear juvenile and silly rather than alluring and possibly have him throwing in the towel. Keep him on his toes by being unavailable sometimes, allow him the space to initiate contact sometimes, let him make plans ; maintain a busy but flexible schedule, and remember to always align your words and actions with your feelings.

6. Allow him some space when he withdraws
No matter how much a man loves a woman sometimes he is going to need space from her for a couple of days. More often than not he will not tell her that he needs space, he will just not initiate contact. When you notice this is happening, leave him alone, don’t call don’t text, don’t probe him about why he hasn’t called, just leave him alone. As long as you didn’t have a fight about anything it is normal for a man, a healthy and  psychologically balanced man will retreat into his “man cave” every now and then. B said, men do this more at the beginning of a relationship or at various stages of progression. All he is doing is analyzing his feelings and establishing his  sense of independence in the relationship.

So guys do you agree or disagree with my friend B. Umaru, please contribute and share your opinions in the comment box below

FLUIDITY & ENTITLEMENT OF LAGOS DATING

Bae hunting in Lagos has become very fluid these days oh. So a day into the new year, that’s the 2nd January, I was running on Osborne as usual and this beautiful lady in say mid-40’s gives me a friendly smile, I smile back and said good morning.

On the second lapse of my run, I noticed she switched lanes and somehow waited until I caught up to her. Then she sort of started running at my pace — it was quite a good one hour run. Whenever we slowed down we gisted here and there.

My people, that is how on my final leg, my new friend said she lived in Osborne Foresure and wanted my number, in my mind, I thought nothing of it, maybe she is just a friendly woman. I gave her my number and she then she goes “oh by the way I have enough friends, I am not looking for more, I want more than friendship with you, I like you a lot”
I froze for a bit and started running very fast away from her. I have heard these stories I just never thought it would happen to me.

Anyways, that was a by-the way gist.

What is with married men and entitlement to single girls in this Lagos? Is anyone else experiencing it?

Today, I met this Lagos “baby boy” just as I was about to begin my morning run he joined me as most people often pair with others even if they don’t know the person. In case you are wondering; a baby boy is a posh looking hot man over 40th who is likely married but lives like a single man and feel entitled to single girls.

As it was with my lesbian suitor, we chatted every so often whenever we slowed down our pace. “Baby-boy” told me about what he does for a living, where he lives, how old his kids are and how beautiful his wife is but she doesn’t stimulate him intellectually — like that is any of my business.

A part of me was comfortable with him. For one I knew he wasn’t boasting, I saw the calibre of folks that were greeting the guy, even the chairman of Etisalat dey hail the guy. So me I was like, I am kuku job-hunting this will be a great older friend to have.

I told him about my job- hunting, baby-boy was like, I have an offer for you, if you agree, you wont have to work.
Three lapses and 90 minutes later, I told the dude, who is very fit and had no issues continuing that I was done. As I mentioned I was done, he saw me off before heading back to Osborne — were apparently all the baby boys and girls live.

He was like look “look, I won’t beat around the busy, I like you, I think you are easy to talk to and very smart, I want you to be mine, I will change your life and give you whatever you want, as long as you abide by my rule”.

For which I responded, I actually have a boyfriend and looking to get married in the nearest fu — ture. Baby boy didn’t even let me finish talking, he said “you are not married, so it doesn’t matter, but if you agree to my proposition you must get rid of him, I don’t share”.

I swear it felt like I was in the middle of striking a deal — baby boy said it like it meant nothing and I was just supposed to agree, why because, he will give me the finer things in life.

Married men don’t even bother hiding that they are married anymore, they just want us single women who are desperate enough for any attention and the “finer things” in life to cage as their mistress. Guess what, you there is a contract to be signed in the deal sef.

I told him no of course and ask for friendship instead, then he goes “I will give you time to think about it”

So girls, if you are looking for a hot-stud who is a married baby-boy as a potential boyfriend and you are willing to abide by his rules and regulations — head to Osborne for a run every Saturday or public holiday for a new.

I don give you expose oh. Thank me with your commission of just 10%.

LOL. Lagos sha!

THE NO CONTACT RULE

Ladies, when a man breaks up with you, most of the time, he expects you to cry and beg with constant calls and texts, but doesn’t enjoy it.

Have you ever considered what would happen if you only composed yourself better and tell him off? Completely starving him of any attention for at least three weeks while showcasing a happier exterior?

I am slowly turning into the dating coach who is not married. So, my friend who is abroad texted her issues with a man who loves her dearly but because they have been going through a rough patch, he decided to break up with her.

She was obviously devastated, crying for hours on the phone and for a moment there, I was so certain that the guy was probably struggling to cope with her frequent meltdowns.

The thing is, my friend has some personal issues and sort of poured all of it on her man. He had to punk out like most guys in an emotionally stressed position would.

Her case made me realise that a man can love a woman dearly and still walk away from her because, he doesn’t feel he can comfort her in pain or give her what she wants.

So I asked her, “do you want him back?” She replied without hesitation “I’d give anything to get my man back”.  Not that I was sure that my plan was going to work, but it did anyway.

In all honesty, I am usually very hesitant with these kinds of matters.

This is because people who tend to get back together, do so for the wrong reasons without addressing the real underlying issues.

I’ve seen ex-back scenarios unfold in a many different ways—some that went on to end an even more massive heartbreak and others that ended with a trip down the aisle.

It is definitely possible to get your ex back and make the relationship last, but it doesn’t just happen because you want it to. There are important things to consider and a bit of work to be done. Missing each other isn’t enough. Loving each other isn’t enough. Relationships take more than that to survive.

I mean look at Tiwa Savage and her husband. Although I didn’t like the fact that Tiwa went on that whole rampage and washed her dirty laundry in public, I believe sometimes, things need to fall apart completely to fall back together.

So here is what I told my friend, with all sense of seriousness, “if you are serious about wanting your man back, you are going to have to do every single thing I tell you to without skipping any”. She agreed.

I actually had only one thing to ask of her, which was;  do not contact him at all. This also meant even if he contacted her, she wasn’t permitted to respond. If he asked to be friends, she was to tell him to give her more time to recover.

Most times guys want to break up with women and still leave the door open for friends-with-benefit situations. Say no!

I’m not such a fan of giving “rules” but this is one you must abide by after a breakup. Especially if he broke the relationship.

Look, I know it’s tempting to reach out. Maybe you need more closure or maybe you saw something funny that reminded you of him, still don’t. Let it go. Let him go through his process and you go through yours.

If there is a chance for it to work and there is unfinished business, he’ll realize this and here is what the post-breakup process will probably be like for him if there are still chances:

He’ll feel lonely…

He’ll start to miss you …

He’ll get nostalgic and reflect on all the good times and all the things he liked about you …

He’ll start to have regrets …

He’ll start to doubt his decision …

He’ll start to wonder if he made a huge mistake by letting you go …

He’ll no longer be able to fight the overwhelming urge to reach out and see how you’re doing …

And finally, he’ll initiate contact.

I told her, the guy isn’t heartless as we women like to believe after a breakup. But rather, he may not be able to handle what is happening and because men don’t process issues like women by talking and trying to solve the problem, pushing him may frustrate him into wanting out.

The no contact rule is a chance for him to process the whole situation by himself and decide for himself what he really wants.

Men are inherently repelled by women who infringe upon their personal space, and if you keep reaching out after the break up, that’s exactly what you’d be doing.

He needs to feel your absence. The only way he will is if you are indeed absent.

If you are afraid that he may forget about you then he probably didn’t love you like you believed. Making the breakup even more necessary at this point.

The no contact rule should typically last for at least three weeks. After which when he reaches out, respond to him on the most friendliest term you can and do not act bitter at all.

My friend played this game with her man and after 3 weeks he was losing his damn mind, begging her to at least respond to his text and say anything.

After a week of just texting they finally agreed to meet up for dinner, where he thanked her for giving him the space to think things through and then; he pulled out a ring!

Ladies, if are you still talking to your ex with the hope that one day he will realise how nice you are and get back into the relationship. My darling you have been friend-zoned or he is simply getting emotional support for free and probably free sex too.

The best way to get back your ex is to cut all communication with him but leave him on your social media to stalk you while you live your best life.

Love,

ImaRose

MR OCTOBER GOT MARRIED

A friend and I were having this heated debate in the salon about Toke Makinwa’s “On Becoming” only God knows what she became sha. But the one thing Toke wasn’t is deceived.  At first women there wanted to call me a hater for saying Toke deserves no sympathy as empathy I give to her is mostly because her heart has suffered even though its completely her fault.

I watched a man’s sex tape, he gave me STDs, I am well aware of the other woman, abi it is obvious sef that Toke was the side-chick but kept putting herself through hell, prayed and fasted for 90 days for God to tell her what to do when what to do was obvious.

To add insult to injury, Toke planned her own wedding three times, the guy didn’t show up and she still went ahead and married him the forth time, please before you call me a hater, what the hell did she expect from a man she dragged down the altar?

Let’s not even talk about her bleaching, as she didn’t bleach for Maje, she bleached for herself.

Anyways, today, gist is not “on becoming” a foolish Lagos girl who won’t leave a fuck-nigga alone but will want to paint him the devil.

Today is about a real life devil-Mr October.

According to Miss Gidi, “there is a special place in hell for men who deceive women”.  I SAY AMEN IN CAPITAL!

So as the title already says, Mr October a.k.a. the only man that ever got me to use fowl language like its nothing; the “fuckboy” got married last weekend.

Sometime in November my friend whom I didn’t know was still following Mr October on IG sends me a screenshot of Mr October and this fine looking girl in an engagement shoot.

For a good five minutes, I thought Mr October was in a music video or modelling something, anything.

I just didn’t want to believe the man whom I allowed to waste 8 months of my life had finally made up his mind to settle down. It just didn’t make sense. So I went on the photographer’s page and saw a couple more pictures and read all the comments then it actually sunk in, the “fuckboy” was engaged to be married.

Trust me when I say I wasn’t hurt or felt anyhow, I have a mature man somewhere, so I didn’t care. But, I am a woman so trust me, I zoomed in and out of the picture, trying to figure out if I knew the girl. But the girl fine sha.

My yeye friend kept going back and forth the comments on his engagement shoots and boy was October a fuck-ass-nigga.

Looking back I never would have ended up with October; he is short and somewhat deluded. Let me explain.

If you are a man and you use other people’s things to pose as your own in my opinion you are deluded.

October lived in a false reality. He posts pictures of his mother’s Porsche, her designed bags and slippers on IG tagging the designer. The first time I saw it I was like “Imarose see your life” you are dating a boy, whose reference always falls back on the use of other people’s things.

I never saw October as an opportunist, but towards the end of knowing him I started to feel that maybe he was because, once we were having a conversation about this girl his mother was trying to make his younger brother marry because of who her family is, and his brother refused then he says to me “my brother is just foolish, “if it was me I’d marry the girl and live the good life mehn, thank God I am not tall”

Anyways, I digress.

So my friend was keeping up with the comments on his engagement shoots and sent  one day she sends me a couple that had the photographer begging the commenter to pls stay away from his page.

The comment read “oh wow, this is after fucking the whole of Lekki you have decided to marry just like that, thank God you no tag the girl we will let her know who you are-a dog”

Another read “nigga swore he was single and struggling to meet serious girls to me. girl are you sure you want to marry this dude, he sent me lots of DM asking to meet up, but I kept ignoring him then outta the blue he is marrying”

“Girl run for your life, his business has been struggling and since he wasn’t allowed to stay in US he wants to use you to get greencard, run”

“wow nigga, get that greencard”

“this girl is even smiling she is obviously not Nigerian, she would have spotted a dog from a distance”

So it turns out this babe isn’t Nigerian and is an ex that he had a back and forth relationship with before returning to Nigeria.  How I knew all this comments were legit was a friend of mine was stalking his wedding from snaps and it looked like a short-gun wedding, it was done at his bar and for someone who is very materialistic and brags a lot, very few people attended.

Mr October, I wish you nothing but everything as you deserve !

THINGS SINGLE WOMEN ARE TIRED OF HEARING

I am tired of apologizing for my writing inconsistency, but my people, pardon, mbok! You won’t understand if I tried to explain why in the most logical way, but hey, I’m back again!

It’s that time of the year again when everyone is getting married and boo-ed up and single women are getting paranoid about another valentine approaching without a bae, Jehovah God do it for all the single ladies, ni oru-ko jesu-ami!

For some weird reason, boo-ed folks seem to be more interested in their single friends’ dating lives than concentrating on their relationships and marriages. With their “interest” in your love life also comes the most annoying and predictable comments, such as “Any man will be lucky to have you; I don’t understand why you’re still single.”

And that, of course, leaves you thinking, “Well, THANKS. If I understood why I was still single, we wouldn’t be having this talk.”

First things first: There is NOTHING wrong with being single, so don’t let your agony-aunty friend make you feel like you have spiritual problems.

Secondly, when someone asks you a dumb or rhetorical question about your love life, it’s absolutely okay to make them regret (a little) even asking. Let’s go through a few scenarios when being using “lovingly sarcastic” could put a stop to the endless pestering.

  1. “It’ll happen when you least expect it.”
    Well… not really. Let’s put it this way: You’re just as likely to meet your perfect man during a super-market run on as you are in “the gym these days” Joining the posh gym on the Island is not when you least expect it, it’s called packing and strategy-bae-watch/catch positioning. Kindly let them know that you’re going to continue living your life as you were and look forward tomeetingthe right person in being the right person.
  2. “Don’t you ever get lonely?”(The answer is yes.)
    We all get lonely, but I’d take lonely over miserable in a relationship any day. And you can reply with, “Of course! Why do you think I’m hanging out with you?” And take it from us: being alone is WAY better than being miserable lying next to a man each night who you lied his way to your bed but you can’t leave him now because “hey you are married to him and God hates divorce” even though you are dying inside and or he doesn’t love you or no longer meets your needs.
  1. “Aren’t you worried you won’t be able to have kids?”
    If celebrities well into their 40s are still having babies, then there’s a pretty good chance you can as well. So I heard this unintelligent woman on radio who was saying women should be done having kids by 35 otherwise they chances dropped and I was like what nonsense. The eggs start reducing at 38/39 and some women are still producing lots of eggs well into their 45s. Tell your overbearing friend that they’re your lady parts, and you get to pick the place and time to bear a child. I want to have kids, two actually but I also know I am better off waiting till the time is right.
  1. “You should try Tinder dating.”
    When your friend perks up and excitedly reminds you that there’s this new app called Tinder you can kindly tell her to buzz off. Tell her ImaRose said Tinder is a hookup site that benefits prostitute and Yahoo-boys who are looking for women to scam. But then again my friend told me about this oyinbo who works as a consultant in their company that met this girl on Tinder five months ago he is totally in love with and wants to marry next year. You never know sha,  must its 99% meat-market.

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  1. “There are plenty of fish in the sea.”
    Sure there are! However, it’ll take about 10 bad dates to have one that you would consider for date number two. More fish doesn’t always equal a better chance especially in this Lagos; the sea is filled with dead-rotten fishes. I actually told someone this and she got very upset.
  2. “You’re just too picky.”
    There’s a difference between knowing what you want in a person and being nit-picky because you’re trying to find something wrong with someone. (On the other hand, if the potential your friend is saying you are too picky about doesn’t have a job, still lives with his parent and can’t even take care of himself and your friends say you should manage him because he has potentials, ask your friends if they can marry potential and if their answer is yes, tell them, “MY CASE IS DIFFERENT”
  1. “You should let me set you up… ”
    Some friends are just wicked, they know a guy is bad and they wont even consider them but want to hook you up so that they can still look like their own better pass your own, and then you can swap sad-cheating/useless man stories together. Listen: Unless you’re hand-delivering me a dark-chocolate man who has a real job and can afford to take me to Monaco next year, let’s save that set up for your niece. That’s how this girl whose husband is a serial cheat, dare to tell me long-distance relationship doesn’t work, that she should introduce me to her husband’s friend so that I am not putting my eggs in one basket. My people dude, was into “oil and gas” and freelancing. And me I was like “is it Mobil, Chevron, Shell, what do you do for them”, dude was like “no I work for myself supplying diesel to all this big companies and “stuff”, in my mind I was like dollar has fallen oil and I have no time for all this bogus talks”.

And that’s it folks, what we single women do not want to hear this 2017…let’s leave it in 2016.

Later

ImaRose

IDENTIFYING A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Imarose here and I want to give you some valuable information, information that can save you a ton of pain and heartache if you can really internalize it. I think one of the hardest relationship skills to master is recognizing when a relationship isn’t right and walking away.

Today, I am going to share an insight on sure fire signs that your relationship is toxic.  A toxic substance is something that causes damage to you, drains you, and depletes you. A toxic relationship can irrevocably damage your sense of self, and ultimately destroy your destiny, if you don’t get out.

There are toxic relationships and then there are toxic relationships, and I found myself in the latter between 2012 when my engagement ended and 2013. The funny thing about toxic relationships is that, it usually comes in the times when we are the most vulnerable. I have come to the conclusion that toxic people  are emotional predators.

Like most relationships, this one got off to a relatively problem-free start. The chemistry was electric, the attraction was strong, conversation flowed effortlessly, and we couldn’t get enough of each other. We talked morning till night; I dozed off with him watching me and woke up to him on Skype.  No quality and emotionally healthy man is going to keep you on the phone morning till night (it’s not normal).

I felt a pull toward him unlike anything I had ever felt before. This more than anything was mainly because, I was vulnerable and he was highly insecure so he gave me what I thought I needed (attention) too much attention than I was comfortable with, but I  convinced myself that it would all work out because it simply had to, he was a nice guy.

Maybe you think you’re experiencing the typical ups and downs that relationships bring, or maybe you blame some external source and think that as soon as it gets resolved, everything will be fine.

Being able to see a situation for what it is and accept that it isn’t going to change can be empowering. It gives you the ability to look at things through an objective lens and make a decision that is in your best interest. To help you avoid some of the hard roads I had to travel on my way to this super confident woman, who isn’t afraid to step aside and kiss toxicity goodbye, I have identified the biggest signs that you’re with an emotionally toxic men.

Please note that, women can be toxic and same signs apply, but because I am a woman who has experienced toxic men, I am writing about my experience and that doesn’t imply all men are toxic or that only men can be toxic.

Anyways, here are the signs to look out for:

The relationship starts out intense: The problem with most of us today is that we mistake intensity for intimacy or a sign that he/she is your ‘soulmate’. The easiest definition of intimacy is knowing another and being known.  Intensity in relationship terms is getting a surge of whatever makes a person feel good.  Intimacy is developed over time, with patience, with love, with understanding, with compassion, with sacrifice.  Intensity happens quickly and fades quickly. If you start out the relationship and you are ALWAYS together, or he/she calls you their happy place, or you cannot find a moment to think, then know you are headed for a disaster.

This is important in understanding Addiction, Bipolar, Personality Disorders, and just plain ol’ dysfunctional relationship patterns.  For example, with addiction, a person adapts to the world and copes using a substance or person or thing as if it were a relationship- gaining comfort, support, investing time and energy, and to soothe pain. The only difference is that people are not substances so after a while, the receiving partner will begin to feel burdened and will eventually shut down especially at times when they need to be the ones comforted not the comforter.

Healthy relationships take time so don’t fall victim for the intensity, slow it down before you crash and burn.

You never feel good enough: When they were trying to woo you, you made them the happiest, but suddenly, you don’t quite measure up. You become addicted to his validation, his ways of doing things. You want to make sure that his feelings are put first, sometimes before yours and whenever you decide it should be about you for once, all hell breaks loose because you are no longer what he wants you to be. That my dear is emotional blackmail and you better run.

You can’t be yourself: One sign that you’re in a healthy; loving relationship is the feeling that you can just be. A big sign that you are in an unhealthy, toxic relationship is the opposite, the feeling that you can’t be yourself, that your identity is being stifled either directly or indirectly. If you like your hair a certain way he tries to make you do what he likes, or if you MUST listen to his kind of music and forget your own preference because he doesn’t like it. The problem with this is that again, you’ll do everything for  the relationship to work, so you suffer in silence and hope that somehow things will change, that somehow this relationship will magically transform into a healthy, happy one if you pretend to like only what he likes and slowly forget everything that makes you you.

You fight dirty: Couples fight, even the happiest ones, it just comes with the relationship territory. Fights can occur over all sorts of things, both big and small. Happy couples aren’t ones who never fight, they are ones who use fights and disagreements as a means to resolve the issue. If something can’t be resolved, they learn how to communicate better and reach a place of deeper understanding.

Toxic couples usually fight to win. They use fights as an opportunity to tear the other person down, to hit below the belt, to get out all the anger and resentment they feel. Dirty fights are a sign that the resentment level in the relationship has hit its limit. These fights are full of hostility and contempt, and each person is overcome by the desire to “win” and prove their case rather than work together to lovingly resolve the issue.

My grandpa used to say a man who is never wrong is the most dangerous man on earth, don’t marry him. How do you know a man who is never wrong? Check how he apologises and or if he apologises at all. If he throws you an apology (you know that kind to shut you up or to get you to talk to them again) he is not sorry! … the same goes for the woman

She/He won’t work on it. The abuser in a toxic relationship doesn’t take responsibility for anything, instead blames the world and makes it all your fault. If you ever meet someone who is always throwing blames even for the littlest of things like weight gain, then steer clear, you may just be the next person he/she blames for their mishaps. Also watch out for how well your partner handles criticism, if they genuinely work on it so the relationship would be better or if they brush it off.

I have a friend who complained how she got tired of telling her man to sort out his personal hygiene because it bothered her but instead of working on it to make her happy at least, he would say things like ‘well you kind of got the raw deal’.

They don’t know you: If your partner doesn’t know your favourite colour, what makes you happy, what kind of music you listen to or what turns you on; then I am sorry to say this but you may have found yourself in a toxic relationship. People in healthy relationships don’t make it only about them, as a matter of fact, they take out time to learn their partner either by asking questions or by observation. This is very key because it shows that they care and your happiness is their happiness as well.

And there you have it, if you have any other points on identifying a toxic relationship or if you’d like to share your experience of being in one then leave a comment below.

Love,

Imarose