10 SIGNS THAT HE IS A LAGOS BOY

Even though Lagos is a melting point of cultures, there are particular traits that resonate among a set group of men who may have been born or lived in Lagos for a very long time.  From the occasional white kaftans to the Lagos ‘swagger’, a typical Lagos Boy is one that cannot be missed.

Here are 10 ways to know if the guy in question is a typical Lagos Boy:

He believes in ‘packaging’
In Lagos, packaging refers to the way you present yourself, in most cases in a way that should enhance your value to others. A typical Lagos boy understands this and therefore invests in the right outfits, the latest gadgets, luxurious cars and maybe a short course in one of the ivy leagues graduate schools.

He is a hustler
Ever heard them call Lagos the city of hustlers? Well true to the title, the typical Lagos boy is always chasing one contract or the other or knows someone who knows someone who can do something at a cheaper price regardless of size and industry.

He is a spender
A typical Lagos boy believes in enjoying the luxuries of life so he will spend his money on the little things from spa treatments to popping champagne in clubs; although he would tend to do more of the latter than the former.

He is an events animal
No matter his age, a typical Lagos boy will be at almost any party or major event there is in this city. His motive is to let everyone know that he was there and also to mingle with the crème de la crème.

He loves to network
The question ‘So what do you do?’ is not an opportunity for small talk but a chance for him to know how to place you as a person. A typical Lagos boy knows the importance of connections especially in future business deals so he’ll want to know what you do and how you could be of use to him in the nearest future. They usually know someone in any viable industry.

He is an Old boy
Although it may not apply in all cases but majority of the typical Lagos Boys either graduated from Kings College or at some point in their lives attended Kings College for a period of time

He does not want liabilities
Listen to me ladies, if you have liabilities like lots of younger ones that you are ‘training’ or parents that depend on you for a monthly income, then you are not the type of girl who a typical Lagos boy will go after. He wants a woman who comes with no stress and no bills but with tangible assets that could help his overall ‘package’. So the next time you meet a guy that asks ‘What does your father do?’  in your first conversation then know that he wants to figure out if you are an asset or liability.

He thinks the mainland is too far
Refer to my open letter to Mr Islander for more details

He loves to deliver goodies
Whether it is your birthday or just because it’s another day, a typical Lagos boy loves the efizzy of delivery and he will have cupcakes, flowers and other random things delivered to you much to the envy of your colleagues and friends.

He will show you off
It doesn’t matter if you are the main chic or the side chic, a typical Lagos boy will show you off to all his friends and some family. Problem is, only his friends know your position in his life while you continue to believe it’s all about you.

So there you have it, Miss Gidi’s guide to identifying a typical Lagos boy, I know there may be more but these are the ones I can remember for now.

Somewhere in Enugu

Cassandra isn’t alone after all, the marriage by faith fever continues.
Somewhere in Enugu, the pastor of a branch of Winners Chapel during a church service asked all the single women to wear wedding dresses to church if they want to get married this year. The next Sunday, single women stormed the church service in wedding dresses and were asked to sit in front to receive special prayers with some ‘seed sowing’ involved

And this weekend , the exploitation continues:

REPERCUSSIONS OF A PLANNED EVENT

My weekend was pretty decent (thanks for asking); everything went as planned till the Pastor announced that there would be a meeting after service of all church workers and singles. As I happen to be both (yes I work in church, don’t act surprised), I had mixed feelings about waiting for another meeting because my initial plan was to head to Yellow Chilli and devour the seafood okra that I had been dreaming about all week.

The Pastor spoke softly to the singles of the church about the importance of being upright in the Lord and most of all abstaining from sex before marriage; he went on to talk about the consequences of premarital sex such as unplanned pregnancies, STD’s including the spiritual implications as he put it. Each time he speaks on this topic, I feel bad for him because about half of the ‘singles’ population usually has a smile on their faces knowing that other than the spiritual implications, they can protect themselves from getting pregnant or STDs but that’s not what I really want to talk about.

Towards the end of his speech, he mentioned the absence of a certain sister as she walked to the front with a protruding belly that must have been about 6-7 months old. Sister Cynthia was one of the few people who helped me settle into church, she became a member in her teenage years and grew to be a devoted church worker including being the assistant head of the singles’ fellowship, so you could imagine the surprise on the faces of a lot of members as she stood in front.  As the pastor continued to speak, I watched a lot of the ‘elders’ have the look of disgust on their faces, like she had committed the greatest sin of being pregnant. Most of them engaged in side discussions saying things like ‘She doesn’t even look remorseful’ ‘Can you imagine?’ ‘Who is the father?’ ‘She has brought shame to her family’ and I just wanted to turn around to give them a good piece of my mind but hey it wasn’t about me so I shut up and continued to listen to the pastor. 

It was easy to feel pity for her as she shed tears in front of the people but I knew Sister Cynthia, I knew it was all a scam, I knew this was all part of her master plan. I remember calling her on her 28th birthday to offer prayers of love and being found by the man whom she would become the bone of his bones; when I was done she said ‘Thank you Sister Gidi, I appreciate your prayers but I am no longer waiting, if I am not married by 30, I am getting pregnant and living my life’. Well here she was, 32, pregnant and single seeking approval from the people of God.

As part of the usual tradition, the pastor asked what punishment should be given to her and of course the over-zealous members offered all sorts from washing toilets to arranging the seats in addition to sitting at the back of the church for one month. One woman stood up to express her disappointment at the shame brought to the house of the Lord even though everyone knew she was planning a rush wedding for her 22-year-old son who got his 18-year-old girlfriend pregnant; of course she thinks no one knows but everyone knows nothing is a secret in the house of the Lord.  

After the ‘ceremony’, members walked up to Cynthia like it were a funeral, consoling her for her unplanned situation and offering words of wisdom. As expected, she kept up the act, put her head down in planned remorse and said how much she missed church.

When it got to my turn to ‘sympathise’, Cynthia smiled and said ‘Now that I am having twins, Mr Right can take his time to show up’

The Ghosts of Lagos

One of the things you notice in Lagos these days is the emergence of the roving ghosts by this I mean young men who walk around in white kaftans and drive range rovers (range rover sport in most cases). For some reason, the acquisition and constant ‘wearing’ of white kaftans and driving range rovers (and/or g-wagons) has become a status symbol representing new money and ‘arrival’ in Lagos.  The only problem is that in most cases (if not all) these ghosts are far from what they represent but simply an illusion.

A while back, I met a guy called Goke; he was a good-looking young man in his kaftan, tall, spoke very well with proper diction and drove a black Range Rover (I think the 2012 or 2013 not sure sha). It was an instant connection; he was educated, exposed and looked comfortable so as a young Gidi woman I was interested (abeg who no like better thing?). Anyway, after a few weeks of my new catch, I decided to tell Ada, a good friend, about him. If only you could see the look on her face when I recounted the ‘how we met story’ and the way she burst out laughing when I showed her Goke’s picture, it was official I was the fool in all of this because according to her, ‘I was definitely not his type’.

Goke had history; history with Ada and a lot of other women in Lagos that the mumu like me did not know. Apparently he was one of the ghosts of Lagos, constantly wearing a white kaftan appearing to be a Lagos big boy and drove around town (town being the Island) looking for his next victim. His victims usually range from the comfortable to rich women either by hard-work or by heritage, the type that lived the good life and all he had to do was spend a bit of money in the wooing stage before getting the money back with interest after she must have been smitten by him. As I am an ‘aka-gum’ when it comes to men, this automatically made me bad market for him…unfortunately for him, he didn’t know that.

To be honest, the signs were all there but somehow I ignored most of it because I was focused on the possibility of correct ‘broda’ as a toaster. From the beginning I noticed a few things like the constant wearing of the white kaftan, I remember teasing him about wearing this to the All Black Everything Party at Spice Bar in December, I got a few free tickets so I offered him one and Oga showed up in white to an all-black party, I was so irritated  because I had to wait for an additional hour in heels before the guards allowed us to get in, now that I think about it, I should have left his behind at the gate.

He said he lived in Lekki but somehow  I never got to see it because he was always at a friend’s place or some bar to hang out. Turned out that he had no place but stayed with different friends till they got tired of having him around.

He said he had a business, one minute it was oil servicing and the next it was estate surveying but he had a steady entertainment business to the side, and somehow had a lot of time to always be around me and be my ‘errand boy’ in the name of being there for me. I know that entrepreneurs control their own timing but at some point even they have situations that are beyond their control that needs to be sorted out before pleasure.

Back at the ABE party, dude was table crashing. You see, as a woman I am free to table crash but even I do not do that, I get pride small so I always buy my first bottle before going about looking for a friend that has a bottle of champagne to share. Goke on the other hand had no problem with table crashing from the moment he walked into the location, I just watched him as he wandered from one table to another hailing all the ‘celebrities’ and strategically placing himself next to their tables for free drinks. na wa!

He promised the world without my asking. AH! If you hear the kind of things he promised within a week of meeting me; trips to Seychelles, shopping sprees in Dubai, dinner at the eko hotel sky lounge sef. This dude had a lot of pending deals that he was going to get paid for ‘soon’ but as they say ‘the money na audio’, ordinary 10k I no see use pose.

He drove a Range Rover sport, yes I know this reason makes no sense but it’s kind of a coincidence that to rove means ‘ to travel constantly without a fixed destination’  and a wanderer Goke definitely was. According to Ada, his vehicle was his only ‘asset’ which was all part of his packaging that most women fell for.

Na God save me sha, I would have seen pepper in this Lagos but Ada never gave me her gist with him.. hmm

OPEN LETTER TO THE ISLANDER

Dear Mr Islander,

Since this is the era of open letters, I have a few things to say; actually I have a lot to say but will keep this as brief as possible because I need to get back to work (as that’s what pays my bills at the moment).

Since when did Mainland to Island become long distance? Often times I hear words like ‘I can’t imagine dating someone who lives on the mainland’ like the mainland has now become some area left behind for those suffering from leprosy.  As a matter of fact, I would like to know the genius that came up with the notion that a mainland-island relationship is now classified ‘long distance’. Last time I checked, it only takes 30-45 minutes to drive across the bridge to see someone you care about/love that lives on the other side. I admit that with traffic it could take a lot longer but let’s be honest the traffic on Ozumba is equivalent to the traffic on Third Mainland Bridge on some days; so unless you are looking for a booty call at 2am in the morning there is absolutely nothing long distance about it.

You go about saying you would never date someone who doesn’t live in Lekki, VI, and/or Ikoyi, but you are willing to date someone who lives in the ghettos of any foreign city because she is ‘abroad’ and has a watered down accent.  Have you been to Ikeja lately? Oh I’m sure you haven’t because you can’t imagine dating someone on the mainland. Well in Ikeja, we have almost everything that you can find on the island except a karaoke bar that allows us sing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, that’s because we are practical, like who really needs to sing that much anyway?. I agree that the crowd at these spots may be different from those on the island like the woman I saw trying to ‘price’ chicken at KFC in Surulere but you must admit that some of these experiences add to the spice of a wonderful and memorable date.

I am tired of you always telling me to ‘stop by’ ,‘pop by’ or ‘come over’ like somehow it is a shorter distance for me to drive from the mainland to the island than it is for you. It’s a 50/50 thing here so let’s meet halfway like at Yaba or Surulere, or maybe Lagos Island (Freedom Park can be a nice romantic spot on some days). Actually, I change my mind, stop being lazy and drive to Iyana Ipaja if I ask you to, do you even know where that is?

So hence forth, I shall no longer drive to our dates or accept to see a movie at The Palms or Silverbird. I will sit at home, wait for you to pick me up and then have you drop me back home after our date (don’t even think about offering to pay for a cab). Truth is, if you cannot cross the ocean for me then you’re not man enough. Shikena!

Yours faithfully,

Miss Gidi

MARRIAGE BY FAITH

My friend Cassandra is planning a wedding, her wedding. She has a date, a hall and her two wedding dresses. As a matter of fact, she’s been in contact with the designer and has paid part of her dress bill. The only problem is, Cassandra is not engaged, she’s not in a relationship and she doesn’t even have a potential suitor.
 
It’s perfectly normal to have your big day planned in your head, I know I have ideas of what I want and ideal locations for my future wedding whether in Lagos or outside, I once had a wedding scrapbook where I wrote down ideas and pasted pictures of the wedding dresses I wanted. I said I was planning my wedding by ‘faith’ but eventually kept the planning in my head especially since every quarter I had to change my mind on the dress I wanted. Even with all of this, I never thought of actually contacting a designer and paying down on the dress I would wear for my wedding day because one thing was missing…a fiancé.

Cassandra may sound extreme to you but she represents a number of women in and outside Lagos who are planning their weddings ‘by faith’. The bible says, ‘Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen’, therefore, Cassandra hopes for her wedding and now has the evidence of what is yet to be seen.
 
I remember watching the movie titled ‘Mrs Somebody’ starring Uche Jombo-Rodriguez and thought to myself ‘surely this is an exaggeration’ of what girls do to get married but today I officially apologize to the script writer and everyone else for that assumption because as I watched Cassandra show me her dress designs, shoes and her recent call log showing that she has been in touch with the designer and I could only worry for her well being and sanity. What happens if she is still single by her set date or if things may have changed that could affect the possibility of her getting married. I don’t want to sound like the party popper here but does anyone know tomorrow?
 
As I continued to ponder on Cassandra’s drastic measures, I came across this skit on YouTube by Yomi Black featuring Dolapo Oni (who is not a bad actress by the way) which had me laughing and thinking of the whole marriage by faith idea. Why have we become so desperate? By all means imagine your dream day and maybe have tentative plans in your head but contacting the designer and paying for a wedding dress when you don’t even have a boyfriend is somewhat disturbing.
 
I know this is a new year and girls are not smiling but abeg una suppose chill small….

 

DATE GONE BAD BY ADUNNI ADE

I had to put this skit up to mark the end of the ‘homecoming’ or ‘I Just got back’ season we experience in Lagos at the end of every year. 
 

Single ladies who live in Lagos can relate to the Lagos boy packaging and hunting strategy that’s used from November -January to impress the visitors; some ‘local’ girlfriends get dumped and guys get a whole lot of re-branding going on during this season to impress the foreign girls, a quick 2 week relationship and back to their normal lives once it’s all over. but that’s gist for another day sha, for now here’s the clip.

WHY DO MARRIED MEN CHEAT BY EJAY

Don’t blame me for asking, it’s just a thought that keeps popping into my head every now and again that needs to be answered. Am I married? NO I’m not but don’t you think a single lady like me should do a little bit of research before settling down…eventually
 
First of all, why won’t some married men wear their wedding rings? The exchange of wedding rings signifies a vow to stay and love each other forever and ever. But these days most of these ‘men’ intentionally leave their matrimonial homes without their wedding rings in order to catch new fish i.e single ladies like me who may assume that these men are ready and ripe for plucking (yes men get plucked too…allow me here!). For example, I was on my way to work from Victoria Island and was waiting for the next available ‘keke napep’ to take me to the bus stop when a car pulled over to offer a ride; I know it’s not good to get into a stranger’s car especially in this Lagos and strange stories of ritual killings but I was running late to work and I needed to get to that bus stop quick, so I did a quick prayer and hopped in for a short trip.
 
He was a good looking young man (I mean why else would I hop into his car in the first place) and he had no ring on. After my quick discovery, I settled in with the possibility of making a new friend, ‘cause in Lagos you never know who knows who and can help you out in future even if he is not your future husband. Everything was going fine until he mentioned his wife and his son; and immediately I went from a happy flirty single lady to the irritated grumpy sad girl. Any single lady who has experienced this would totally understand what I the felt at my further discovery. And it brings up the question, why won’t they just wear their wedding rings for Pete’s sake?
 
Then there are these married men who enjoy having affairs with single women. I’m not talking old aristo men, I mean young, not more than 10 years in marriage. These men find it very easy to inform single ladies that they, the men, are married but still have no problem with having an extra woman in their lives (wedding ring or not). They could care less and they are quick to spend time, attention and gifts on these single women who may end up being caught up in this little thing.
 
It makes me wonder, what their wives are doing wrong and what should I be doing right for my future husband to stay faithful to me in marriage. I spoke to a few married friends and they gave me the numerous reasons why they would or have cheated on their wives.
 
1.  Adventure: Most men love adventure; they like to explore, see or try new things, adrenaline chasers and all in all they are just fun lovers. Which is why some spend years being players before finally succumbing to societal pressures to get married.
2.   Before/After Marriage Sense: A lot of married men complain that their wives become ‘unsexy’ and ‘unromantic’ after marriage, actually what they mean is that they miss the sex on call when they were dating because now they may be one or two kids involved and additional responsibilities that come with marriage.  Let’s not forget that some of these men end up adding a few kilos and lose all sense of romance after exchanging their vows; after all, they’ve caught the fish so there’s no point wooing the fish all over again.
 
3.      Nagging: Apparently there are a lot of women that nag, as a matter of fact the stereotype is that all married women nag which is why a lot of married men cheat. 
 
4.  Karma is a b****:  somehow these men believe that what they do is a payback for whatever their wives would have done in the past, they have now assumed the position of ‘karma’ ….absolutely stupid and ridiculous in my opinion.
 
5.     Long distance: some couples are in long distance marriages due to one reason or the other which gives the men the chance to roam the streets of Lagos without their wedding rings and claiming the bachelor title. ‘Body no bi firewood’ they say so they need to keep mind body and soul together.
 

Honestly I believe men are like little boys who had the freedom for as long as they wanted under the lines of ‘they are boys, leave them!’  while the little girls had to be ‘tamed’ to be responsible older women. I can’t figure it out any more, It’s just too complicated but for a start can all married men please wear their wedding rings!

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Ejay is  a lover of the arts, she loves a good laugh, a night out gisting with friends or dancing. She is also an avid romantic who is often in search of a good adventure and never afraid to meet new people. 

AND WE SHALL MANHUNT IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD

Nigeria is full of young women, out of school, successful, entrepreneurial and ready to take on the world except that according to society, there is one major thing missing, the ‘MRS’ title. So they turn to random dates, recommendations from family and friends, the occasional social media hook-ups but most of all they turn to God and the church, hoping to find a man in the church, actually what I mean is going to church to find a ‘man’.
While having a conversation with a group of single Christian women, one of the things that came up was the search for a spouse especially one that had the ‘fear of God’. It amazed me that about 90% of the ladies on that table believed that the best place to manhunt was in the house of the Lord. Each of them had picked ‘popular Lagos church brands’ to be active members so they could be noticed by the eligible bachelors in the church. Like most validation stories go, everyone had their testimonies to share on how this had worked for Sisters Titi, Uju and Amina. Some others shared their strategy of attending different churches so they could meet different types of bachelors, from the happening Pentecostal church on the mainland to the Catholic one on the island that supposedly has a lot of ‘oil money’, I mean what better man to find than one that’s rich and loves God.
This is where I insert my disclaimer; I am not saying a church is not a good place to find the man of your dreams, after all we meet people in different spaces and places but what I am saying is going to church with the main purpose of finding a man is absolutely ridiculous and in a way a mockery of the church. So what happens if you find God and not a man in that church, do you switch churches, do you have an agreement with God, what exactly do you do?
I tend to liken a church to a hospital obviously not in every aspect but you could argue that they have certain similarities. A hospital is where you find people with various ailments, some severe and some not, looking for treatment from the doctor; very much so a church, where you find people with spiritual ailments, some severe and some not, looking for treatment from the ‘man of God’. But I haven’t heard of women choosing hospitals to go to because of the type of eligible bachelors that use them …well not yet as we know in Nigeria nothing is impossible and I have heard of a lady who applied to companies for a marriage progression instead of a career one.
* A lot of young women who have these motive of searching for a ‘money making, church going man’ most times fall prey to men who are in search of redemption themselves and end up with stories that touch the heart. It’s pretty much like attending Lagos weddings these days, it’s no longer about the couple but about the small chops (which I love) and the friends of the groom (male friends of course). In churches, it is no longer about God for some people, it’s about what and who they can get; everyone hiding behind the makeup, good clothes, bible quoting sessions and people throwing all caution in the air (especially single sisters) because in their words ‘he attends my church’ then he must be good.
I honestly would like to know who started this trend, when finding men became the main purpose of going to church and not finding God, when women got dressed, joined the choir or ushering departments so they could be noticed, yelled the loudest hallelujahs and offered to be prayer partners when they themselves needed prayers. Ok I think I am ranting now but maybe some churches need to edit the grace and end it with ‘and we shall manhunt in the house of the Lord forever and ever’….then again who am I to judge.

LOVE ON WHEELS

Lagos is back in full swing and by full swing I mean, the Israelite journey from the mainland to the island has begun. As a true lagosian that was unable to travel anywhere during the holidays, you learn to appreciate the free roads and somewhat smooth drives you have when most of the easterners have returned to their villages for the break. But this is not about that, it’s about something else. 
 
If there’s ever a time I would meet ‘the one’, I doubt it would be in Lagos traffic especially on a Monday morning. Yup I said it! There’s no way I would find love in traffic. One of my favourite driving past time is watching the facial expressions of those driving especially when trying to maneuver their way out of a bottle neck. It is absolutely hilarious ! 
 
Both men and women, married or single put on the ‘warrior’ face, clenching their steering wheels, occasionally tightening their lips and are often prepared to throw out insults at any sight of reckless driving that could damage or dent their cars. There’s absolutely nothing about being a gentleman or lady when driving in these streets of Lagos I tell you. 
 
I mean if I were a young man, I wouldn’t think of ways to ‘toast’ a babe on third mainland bridge or imagine toasting the fine babe that just kissed her teeth and spread her palm very wide insulting the other driver’s father in one word… ‘Waka!’
 
In Lagos, you need a traffic alter ego. The person you become the moment you start your car and begin  your day’s journey. This alter ego is most times far from the cute, nice and semi-innocent girl you want to appear as when a potential suitor looks your way. I’m yet to give a name to my traffic alter ego, but I can tell you that she’s rough, fast, stubborn and fearless…guess I’ll call her Charlene. 
 
People are often themselves when they drive as well, from picking noses to slapping weaves, you find all sorts that could deter anyone from getting to know the other.  Maybe someday I would hear of a couple that met while driving on traffic. I would really want to know what happened and how … But for now I know I wouldn’t even try to talk to Charlene if I were a guy.