HASHTAGGING AND INSTAGRAM

Hi guys!

So…have you noticed a trend with some of these alphabets? Yes? You have? Clever boys and girls!

Hashtagging!

People have conquered twitter continents with hashtags.

People have broken the internet.

Hashtags, my dear wannabe coolios. Hashtags.

Trending topics on IG and twitter now reign. Even in real life! You see hashtags on billboards. Hashtags in work emails. Hashtags for retreat ideas.

Hashtagging is now a part of life.

In order to be a cool kid in this field, please know that dry jokes won’t help you – except you’ve perfected Tony Starks or Hugh Grant’s deadpan delivery of witty droll humour.

*I’m 95% certain none of you can achieve this so please don’t try*

That being said, you can dominate someone else’s hashtag! Yes!

There’s a trending topic on twitter? Gird your funny bone with your best deliveries and hop on that TT. You just might get retweets in the tens of thousands and be on the twitter wall of fame. This is a coveted spot, beli’ dat!

That wedding you’re attending that has a hashtag #TeeJay2016? Hop on that with your bestest photos and get people following you for your sense of style. You just might be the next Daks!

You just thought of something really witty and sarky? Don’t waste it on your friends in your group chat! How on earth will the world know that you’re the next bloody Ricky Gervais!?

Get to hashtagging and tweeting.

Coolness awaits you.

Now…INSTAGRAM!

In fact, I need not write an epistle on this. You KNOW your Instagram has to be topnotch in order for you to be deemed cool. But…because I really want you guys to achieve my status, I’ll help you. I’ll impart wise words of wisdoms in your lives and hope you heed my advice.

Ladies.

Please please and pretty please, take at least 70 photos then c.a.r.e.f.u.l.l.y whittle them down to the best one before you put up on Instagram. This is very very imperative. I have a few friends that even send me photos to ask for my always blunt, yet honest opinion before posting on the wonderful IG app. I beg you in the mighty name of the Most High – do not just put up photos willy nilly. Not if you want to be cool anyway.

When filtering, please filter your photos with sense. I beg you, aunty. Some of you Valencia then screen munch. Then Rise then screenmunch. Then Sierra then screenmunch. By the time you’re done with your final edit, you’re looking like one anime character. This is not Manga cartoon please. You are not so smooth that you’re blending with the cream wall behind you. Guys have cottoned on to the fact that we are not what we seem in photos. Let the disparity be at its bare minimum, e jo.

Please photoshop with sense. If Beyonce can be caught out with a bendy tile floor untop thigh gap, how much more you? A mere mortal. Please scrutinize your photoshopped photos carefully before uploading. You might think that deleting that photo 5 minutes after will save you, but not in this wicked screenmunching and reposting world we live in. What goes on the interwebs is on there for good. Sod deleting!

If you want to be a cool kid with lots of followers then unlock that account now now! You’re not a celeb and you want 20,000 followers but you’re locking account. Ain’t nobody gat time to be sending follower request! When you have gained your 50,000 followers then you can lock your account and see people begging for the coveted spot of being a follower. But only after you’ve gained all those followers…

And that brings me to my next point. The only way to get followers is to get crazy likes. Please please and please put up beyoootiful photos for likes. Maybe you’re fat and pimply 5 days a week but your skin is glorious for 2 days. Take all the damn photos taken those 2 days and distribute them daily on your IG. And better wear a burka in public during those 5 days because bad beles are rife on these streets. Let them catch you looking off point…it’s not me you will cry to oh. I have warned you.

Look at your surroundings before taking photos please. Do not put up one ‘on fleek’ photo, forgetting that there’s a used tampon behind you. You will achieve popularity. Just not the kind you wanted.

DO NOT PUT UP ONLY SELFIES! Mix it up, pleaaaase. If it means roping in your nearest and dearest friend to bear with you and take 100 photos for you to choose from then do so. Selfie upon selfie upon selfie doesn’t work for the masses. Except you’re Kim K. And you aren’t.

Please, I beg you, do not quote fake deep trash when putting up photos of yourself. Why oh why do people put up photos with half their breasticles on show then write ‘the river does not flow from the mountain, it flows from the sea #God’schild #Christian #Pretty #Playersgonplay’ …

Hunh!?

Be very careful in all you do with IG, ladies. Know that we have dementors lurking to take you down. The instablog9ja and others that love to screenmunch so as to take the piss. They exist. Be systematic in your planning and posting. Act like this is a job interview because it is. It is an interview for cool status. And once you get there, you can never go back. You need not defend yourself once you have your army.

Sit back, relax and watch your ‘beehive’ Voltron for your arse.

Totally worth the hour long process it takes to put up a photo in 10 seconds JJ

G IS FOR GISTING

I can already hear you all snorting. Gist. Goshhhhhh. How does ‘gist’ make one cool? Isn’t it for tafofos and the like? Isn’t it for gossips? Isn’t it for *gasp* razz twitter people?

Oh dearie dearie me.

How wrong you are. Gist, my dear learners is the bedrock of coolness.

How do you think Linda Ikeji bought that mansion? Yes, blogging. But blogging about what?

Gist!

She doesn’t have to actively search; it comes to her. For example:

The Tbillz and Tiwa saga? – Breaking news on Linda.

Too soon? Eeeeeek. Okay, moving on swiftly.

Anyway, even if you don’t talk too much, you have to be in the know. As a cool kid, you Must make it your duty to know what’s going on…albeit stealthily. There’s a thing line between Knowing and Gossiping. Do some non-intrusive research.

Like me – how am I always in the know? I don’t ask. No no no. I simply listen. When you perfect the persona of not caring about anything, people flock to you with gist. I’m on my lonesome scrawling through my twitter and I see some gist floating but I don’t want to seem like I care about it.

What do I do? I simply RT a renowned tafofo’s take on the gist with ‘Sigh, here we go again. You guys and your drama.’

Next thing – people are chooking their mouth in my mentions, giving me different variations on what’s going on. Without me saying anything that seems like I want the gist. As more and more people flock to my mentions, as more and more people RT these tweets with my handle linked…before you know it, I have tons more followers and people gagging to drop sweet info in my mentions.

I kid you not. I have gained almost a hundred followers in a day as a result of this. And trust me guys, ‘twitter celeb status’ equals instant interweb coolness.

This is me talking from experience of course *wriggles eyebrows*

Oh, you want more tips on non-intrusive research? Fine, I’ll tell you. RME

Social media is KEY! Once you hear something about someone but you’re not sure if it’s true or false, make sure you do some research on allllll platforms. Check your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and even Linkedin. Oh, but make sure you log out of Linkedin before searching for that person’s name. You don’t want to be one of those ‘people who viewed your profile’ types.

Research, not stalking.

Then go on your group chat and oh so airily drop in a ‘these ones are at it again.’

You’re bound to be hit with a ‘who? Do you mean Bola/Tito/Jumoke?’

Then you reply, ‘oh you’ve heard of it too?’

Sit back, grab your popcorn and feast your eyes on the gist as it pours in.

The good thing about all of this is, people will always tell you stuff. Why? You never spread gist, but you always know. You always just smile coyly and wait like the goddess you are as people clamour to give you sweet sweet gossip gist.

Go forth and prosper, future Linda-lings J

F IS FOR #FITFAM

#FitFam

#WeMove

#FitIsTheNewBlack

# # #

Hi, cool kids.

Haha, not you. Not if you haven’t followed everything here, and considering we are still on ‘F’, my darling heart, you have a veeeery long way to go.

Sweetlings, do you work out? Do you eat healthy? Do you count calories?

You do? Good.

Do you do all this without taking photos at the gym or out in the open like the infamous Lekki-Ikoyi bridge or without following those popular IG accounts like ask damz?

You don’t!?????

Sigh, you really don’t want to be cool, do you?

Okay, let’s work through this together.

  1. Gym: You have to choose the right gym. Not any kwe kwe gym oh. You need to be strategic in your choice of gyming. Proflex? Bodyline? Gym in Lekki? Yup. These are the top-tier ones. Please pay the membership fee and go religiously. Yeah, yeah, you might actually lose weight, but that’s not what we are here for. That’s a lucky plus please *yawn*. We need you to be here so you can prove to the world that you are actually a part of the #fitfam family.

Now, let’s think of your pockets. If you’re lucky enough to be signed by your office to a gym then please choose the most expensive one as this aids your cool status. *faux-whispers Bodyline*.

Oh, did you choose Bodyline? You are not only psychic, but halfway to becoming a cool kid!!

Bodyline is for the cool, rich kids/adults. Not only will you get fit and trim, but you will be killing 3 cool birds with one stone – gym, beautiful photos, and potential spouse. Oh yes, spouse. This is where you will find the coolest and wealthiest men.

**disclaimer – don’t think because he is not wearing ring that he is single oh. I will just delete this post and you will be on your own!**

*clears throat*, right. As I was saying, if you cannot afford Bodyline but you have some money to burn, then there’s Proflex. This is in the commercial hub that is Victoria Island, so you’ll get to meet the rich-working class men, uhm…oh, I’m sorry, you’ll get to work out and get fit. Fit fam *side eye*

Then there’s Gym in Lekki. I call this Gym in Lekki because, obviously, I do not know the name. What I do know, is this is THE gym to be. Everyone but everyone goes to this gym. It’s somewhere behind the old Elevation Church in Lekki and it’s so popular that it’s always fully booked. This is the place to work out. This is the place to find your man. This is the place to take beautiful photos. This is the place to show off. This is the place to become cool. Luckily, it’s very affordable.

This is the place, guys. Gym in Lekki!

Oh, and if you’re a posh totty and are a member of Ikoyi Club then please, by all means, utilize this membership. Nuff Said.

  1. Classes: Now, it’s one thing to gym and pound away at the treadmill without a personal trainer. You might just look stupid there because you don’t quite know what you’re doing. No point wasting money without being cool; join one of the numerous classes out there!

So there are countless spinning and zumba classes littering the island. Join, hashtag and drop those pounds…while gaining those icicles *chortle chortle*.

Then there are pole-dancing classes. Or burlesque classes. Oh yazzzzzz, child! SLAY! Not only will you be fit, but you’ll be flexible and sexy for that lucky man. And your cool status will soar like an eagle.

Boxing classes. Oh boxing classes. Just one session and you will be hooked, guys. Hot totty abound. Oops. I mean, you will have fun and tone up those muscles.

Of course…Only reason….I promise…..*pssst, enough fit guys there. FIT. Droooooool*

  1. Charity: No, I don’t mean carrying bags and bags to an orphanage (although that’s a good thing to be a part of). What I mean is the walking. Or running. Anything with a #somethingortheotherCharity5KMsomething.

Yup.

There are the walks up and down the Lekki-Ikoyi toll bridge. Have you guys noticed that most of these charity walks/runs/cycles are always on this bridge? I guess…well, I need not say much. Become a part of the hashtag, guys. If the celebrities can do it, then why can’t you!?

  1. Food: Need. To. Eat. Healthy…

For the gram.

Okay, let’s be honest. This isn’t teeeechnically about you struggling through baby food and leaves. This is about you being cool. So honey boo chile’, you must spend money to look cool. Order from Simply Green. Get from The Daily Bread, order those greens! And hashtag #fitfam. I cannot overemphasize how important it is that you hashtag your healthy fitfam food. From a popular healthy blog.

For your own good, my dear.

  1. Outfit: This is crucial. You are not in some obscure shanty village fetching water. You are jogging in the gym/across the bridge/at that hotel boxing class *cough* Eko Hotel *cough*

You must be on fleek.

If you are already fit/toned, then by all means, wear that body-hugging shirt and leggings with pretty trainers. Sigh…reminiscing about the Sketcher days haha. If you are plus-size, don’t despair. You can still be on fleek. Just make sure your outfit isn’t so body-hugging.

Die-hards are free to wear waist-trainers too. Just…try not to faint. Or if you do, then delete this post from your bookmarks. Many thanks and God bless.

  1. Social Media: I need not remind you of the importance of social media. Please, everything must be on the gram. Every. Single. Thing. Instagram is your best friend. Snapchat is your lover. Twitter is your cousin, and Facebook, your great-grandmother.

Utilize your artillery.

Attain cool kid status.

  1. Make-up: Now, I have noticed a few unfortunate souls that think the gym is a wedding. Then they look so confused and hurt when sweat turns their faces into Jide Kosoko’s.

Errr, in the words of Rihanna, ‘nigga is you blind!?’

Please don’t disgrace yourself and sweat away your make-up oh. Don’t be deceived by Toke Makinwa who spritzes her face with water and the make-up is still rock-solid. She wasn’t running up that proverbial hill. She was standing somewhere looking pretty. Don’t be fooled, children!

HOWEVER, if you know that your face without make-up is like one of those poor, exploited souls on MUA IG accounts that are hideously hideous in the before photo, then please learn how to apply the ‘barely-there’ make-up….

…Then stick to jogging on the bridge at night.

Seriously. That’s the only way I can help you -__-

  1. At home: This is not advisable. You won’t be cool. You will get toned and fit and all of that. But you won’t be cool. Sorry, guys.Then again if social media is involved maybe you can make it otherwise nah!

And that’s it, folks. Go forth and achieve coolness!

See you on the bridge tomorrow 🙂

E IS FOR ENGAGEMENT

This is for the single girls. Why? Because if you’re already engaged then you’re cool and don’t need this sage bit of advice I’m about to magnanimously impart *duh*.

So…

You’ve been with your boyfriend for what…3 months?? And he’s not proposed.

Oh, did you think I meant single as in without a boyfriend? Dear girl, if you do not have a ring on your finger then you are very very single. Please run to the front of the line to catch that bouquet, my friend!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, you guys have been together for such a long time – 3 months is long in this Nigeria oh, and you’re without a ring. He has not dropped any hints of proposing. He is ignoring all your ooohs and aaaahs about Tiffany or Van Cleef or Cartier…

Please please please, your game needs to be upped!

Time to start googling rings on his phone. Time to start printing out fancy rings and dropping them accidentally on purpose on his desk. Time to tag him on @bellanaijaweddings and @aisleperfect and the like.

Time to bloody drag him to Tiffany & Co and point at the damn ring you want!

Don’t carry last, girls.

Okay, you are fairly certain he’s going to propose. My dear girl, it’s time to up the ante. Please make sure your nail game is on fleek! If it means spending a fortune investing in pretty manicures weekly, then by all means, ensure that you do so. Go to your favourite salon and jump the queue by whispering loudly that your boyfriend has spoken to your dad.

You just might get a discount.

No long horrible multi-coloured Shaniqua nails, please. The prettiest manicures will get the most likes…ooops, congratulation messages.

Now that your nails are fleeky, time to practice your surprised face. Stand in front of the mirror and gasp loudly. Then do the lower lip wobble. Great. Now time to force those tears out. Please my darling, about-to-become-a-fiancée, do not and I mean DO NOT cry horrible tears. I can assure you that someone is videoing your proposal and you do not want to look ugly.

Try to keep it to one tear sliding down your left cheek a la Marilyn Monroe. Practice makes perfect; you’ll get it with time and lots and lots of practice.

If you can’t get the tear, then learn how to swoon gracefully. Don’t drop like a bag of cement to the floor. You want to look graceful not get a concussion. Oh, and make sure you propel your slow, swan-like slump towards a sofa. Or chair. Or someone’s arms…maybe the waiter?

Don’t shriek stupidly. Make sure it’s a girly squeal. Not screech oh, you might sound like a mad fishwife on tape. Give a little ‘eeek’ or ‘eeep’.

Please please please do not run around the restaurant (or wherever) like a cornered rat. I saw a video on IG of a girl who scuttled under a table. It was not cute. It was not pretty. It detracted from an awwww video clip. I beg you. You won’t be cool. Please.

When he eventually slides that canary diamond on your finger, end it with a cute laugh and a kiss. Now remember, for some odd reason, maybe because of the Jim Iykes of our world, Nigerian kisses don’t look pretty in videos. So if you think your tongue might look like a giant pink caterpillar (or white if you’re a Miley wannabe) slithering around his gob, then please restrain yourself and keep it to a lingering peck on his lips. If possible, angle your face away from the camera so all they can see is your wavy JL wig as you plant an ecstatic one on his face. It has saved a lot of girls, trust me.

Right, that’s done then.

DO NOT BE THE ONE TO POST IT ON IG/BBM/WHATSAPP first! Act all coy and so into the moment that you forgot to put it up.

I’m sure you’re now wondering how you’ll get the gist out sharply.

Dear girl, are you not an aspiring cool kid? Okay, I guess that is why I’m here to help you.

Send it to your bff or sister/cousin/jealous-but-acting-like-she’s-happy-for-you friend.

You don’t need to tell them to put it up. Trust me, they’ll do so with alacrity. These people want to show their closeness to you by being the first to upload and tag. Maybe so they’ll be your bridesmaids, maybe to imply that they are your closest friends, maybe because they are genuinely happy for you *SNORT*, either way, it’ll definitely go up.

Do not comment immediately! Wait for a few hours. I assure you, a lot of comments will be waiting under your photo. By friends and by those that want to tap into your blessing. Of course, there might be some haters that want to open your nyash by gossiping about an affair you may/may not have had once upon a time. Be graceful in your appreciation. You do not want to come across as gloating.

Grand.

After a few days, (note that the cool kids wait for about a week), put up the photo of your ring. Get the best angle even if it means taking 100 photos then deleting till you get the best one. Change your manicure even to get the right nail colour that will show off your ring perfectly.

Unlock your account if private. You want the whole world to know that you have finally joined the engaged click. It is coveted.

Believe me.

And that, my dear girl, is how you attain cool fiancée status.

Once attained, go crazy with your pre-engagement shoots/videos/submarine photos.

The world is finally your oyster.

Bisous J

D IS FOR DEE-JAYING

I remember the days of merely having a live-band at weddings. Or putting your IPod on shuffle at parties – birthdays, engagements, dinners, house get-togethers, pool parties, you name it. Now, you can’t even try such. Don’t you dare! You must have a d-jay at your gathering, even if it’s just 10 of you there.

However, you must BE AWARE that you cannot just have any random d-jay. Don’t beg your brother or sister to d-jay or get one random d-jay from Agege. Please, don’t disgrace yourself and your lineage, biko nnu. There is a list of d-jays you can pick and choose from – the only list you should pick from if you want to be cool; luckily, I’m here to aid you on your quest to becoming a cool kid.

D-Jay Obi – in fact, I don’t even know where to start with this chap. He knows how to do all those funky mixes and he’s always ready to listen to your request and play it (even if it’s when everyone has left and the cleaners are dancing, he’ll still play it sha. You didn’t specifically state you wanted it played in your presence now, did you?). He’s almost always requested by the cool clubs like Sip and Vapors and by the cool Lagos circle crowd. Once you hear ‘DJ Obi on deck’, just know you’re at a party that will be cooler than icicles. ‘Oh, he’s expensive’…uhm, please why are you reading this manual? It’s not for paupers like you. Comot comot comot!!!!!

D-Jay Xclusive – ahhhhhhh, this one is a celebrity oh. He’s even got his own slot on one of those radio shows. I’m not exactly sure if he still d-jays at parties or weddings considering he has his own music video and the like (as exclusive as his name hehe). BUUUUUUUT, if you can get him, then you are just a baba nla and people need to dobale when they communicate with you, even if it’s over the phone. One thing though, because, I imagine, he has a whooooole lot of songs in his repertoire, per chance that’s why he wants to showcase all of them. I mean, no other possible reason why he will be playing one song for 5 seconds then switching to the next one then the next one then the…well, you get the picture. Maybe it’s because he does not want people requesting for songs because, I mean, he played it that time you coughed. It’s not his fault your cough was drawn out for several seconds. So…yeah, *shrug*

D-Jay Cuppy – There are several reasons why DJ Cuppy should be at your party. One, she (YES SHE!!!!! So cool, no?) d-jays like the Guettas and Bob Sinclairs of St.Tropez parties. This means, your cool stratosphere will be off the charts once she deigns to grace your party. Two, she’s elite – she’s a posh one and hangs out with posh people and djays for posh parties, ergo, your party will automatically be called posh. Exclusive (no, not you Rotimi).

D-Jay Lambo – as a chocolate city d-jay, she’s pretty popular. Another female! *excited feminist shriek* Anyway, she used to be an OAP or something but she’s now ‘sought-after.’ Yes, that’s the phrase for her. I implore you, plead with you, beg you, in fact, command you to join those seeking her. They are cool. Don’t you want to be cool too?

D-Jay Jimmy Jatts – Ahhhhhh, this one isn’t about being cool per se. It’s about flossing. So please, if you don’t have money, let me just stop here. I cannot be giving myself arthritis untop typing for the impoverished. If you want to actually use him then, gurrrrrl/boiiiii, you need contacts in heavenly places – well, until you are cool enough to get him at your event with the press of a button. (Once you get to that status, please don’t forget I helped you get there. Don’t forget your sister).

D-Jay Sose – well, to be perfectly honest, the only reason his name is on this list is because of his faux-facial tattoo. I say faux because we really don’t know if it’s real or not. If the latter then he’s a legend – the painstaking effort required to apply this paint, and the way it looks the same day in, day out…legend, I say. However, for his d-jaying skills…well, I can’t help you there. Have him at your party though; if only for your guests to name drop that he d-jayed – at the end of the day, he’s popular, innit!

D-Jay Poppaey – last but certainly not the least, there’s DJ Poppaey. The newest kid on the block. Well, new to me considering I’ve been in this cool game for a while and he wasn’t there then! Anyway, he’s known for his wedding entertainment skills so if you have a wedding coming up and DJ Obi is booked (*cough*, we all know that’s everyone’s first choice, don’t we?), then look no further because Mr Poppaey will fly to the rescue. No, literally. He will. He doesn’t mind hopping on that plane…as long as you’re paying of course!

With the above list, I hope I’ve been able to aid you in your quest to becoming cool and having the coolest party and the bestest D-Jay. Oh, and for those that want to become DJays, well, the market has become rather saturated, but if you have the necessary connects i.e. friends in high places, parents in high places, aristos in high places *cough cough*. Anyway, you understand what I’m trying to say sha – if you have the connects, then go for it! I might be writing a 2nd edition of this glorious self-help manual and you just might see your name on my D-Jay list J

C IS FOR COOKING

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I always hated cooking. I wondered why, just because I was a girl, I had to learn how to cook and slave away in the kitchen so that society will be pleased. Then I realized, how else will I attain cool kid status if I don’t bloody please society?

No, not the older generation. Our generation, my dear students.

You see, cooking has become cool again. Oh yes. Not just for girls but for guys too. Especially for guys. Cooking is the new six-pack.

I repeat, Cooking is the New Six Pack.

Oh, you can cook rice and stew? You can make jollof? You can make amala? Wow, brava to you and your cows. Clap your hands for yourself. You must think you have arrived.

You are a learner.

Can you fashion a rose out of dodo? Can you make agbalumo gelato? Can you make ice cream out of human breast milk? Can you make a Nigerian flag out of eba? Can you make asun sushi rolls?

You can’t, can you?

See why I called you a learner?

Learning at your mother’s lap won’t help you, dear child. Except if it is because you want to cook for your husband. If that’s the case, have at it. You’re alright. You’ve succeeded. You will be a great…

Spouse.

Not cool kid. Never that.

In order to attain this glorious status, you need to do a whole lot more. Firstly, it’s not just about learning how to cook at any culinary school. Please, please and please, even if it involves selling a kidney, try your hardest to go to Le Cordon Bleu. You don’t know what this? Google is your homie, boo. I promise you, it will give you that stepping stone you need. My sister still hates my dad for not doing this for her.

I hate him too. Now I’m a cool kid but she’s still languishing with the plebs.

Once you’ve gone there, come back to Nigeria pronto and jump into the cooking fray. Now, you have to hurry up because a lot of people are on this cooking p oh. With the event at Whitespace featuring cooks on chefs on cooks, you have to fight to get in there, mehn!

Secondly, you need a snazzy name. With the title, chef. Whether you learnt how to make a meringue from BBC Food channel, it’s not anyone’s business. You can fake it to make it. Call yourself Chef-Candy or something of the sort. It’ll open doors…or blogging fame.

Thirdly, you must transcend cooking and create. Yes, create. Let your creative juices flow. Don’t just make a muffin, make a croissant/muffin aka cruffin. Don’t just make amala, make fluffy cassava rolls. Don’t just fry plantain, make shaved dodo curls.

You get the picture? Make it an art.

And lastly, be pricey! Yes. You’re selling a box of your cinnamon dusted, gold-flaked cherry tarts for N5000.00 because you want to be affordable and feed the masses? Ha! I laugh in your unpopular face. You better tweak that price to N5000.00 per cinnamon dusted, gold-flaked cherry tart! Don’t be stupid, boy!

When you’ve achieved Chef-Froyo status, then you can make the mass products for the ones that aren’t worthy. That way, it’ll seem like you’re an altruistic chef. One that knows how to feed the public.

Until then, be an expensive muthaf****. A cool one, too.

B is for Blogging

Have you read the news about Linda Ikeji’s Birkin and wondering whether it’s truly real or fake?

Are you looking at the photos of her Banana Island house once more and thinking, what I would give to be that rich?

Well, keep on dreaming because you’re reading and not writing. Dreaming and not doing.

Basically, you’re being the uncool kid that you are.

Now, blogging has been made very very cool and achievable by so many Nigerian bloggers.

Linda Ikeji, Naijagistlive, Stella Dimikoko (or wotsit), Style vitae, 360 nobs, AislePerfect, Third World Profashional, and of course, our aunty Bella.

So what are you waiting for? Boi, get to writing!

Okay, in order to do this please here are the categories:

Being a gossip blogger. Notice I said blogger not writer. You don’t have to be a great writer. Heck, you don’t have to have finished secondary school even. The bare necessities will do. In order to be tres cool, you have to cover the basics here – you should have all the friends that can supply you with gossip on the ins and outs of the entertainment world, or just be very very catty tongue-in-cheek. Oh, and if you want to be taken seriously, always have photos to back up your accusations write-ups. Sometimes, just the photos will do. No need for any texts. Put up a photo of some juicy story and watch the comments build up like traffic on Ozumba.

Being a fashion blogger. Now, some people are naturally blessed with the fashion spirit. Some people throw on their grandmother’s clothes and look very chic. Some drape a pashmina round their bodies artfully and their style is copied by girls nationwide.

Some dress up like the cultists they’ve always aspired to be and get hailed as the new Vivienne Westwood. Some believe in colour blocking to the point that they look like a rainbow Popsicle and they are revered by Instagram sycophants. Some hide behind their laptops and fake handles and call themselves ‘fashion police’ and are actually taken seriously.

Oh dear…have I deviated from my message? I think I have. *SCREEEEECH*

Where was I? Yes, basically you can dress how you like, but just make sure that it’s loud enough or wonderful enough to get you on the news. To get your photos RT’d like a Kim Kardashian nude selfie.

Be you Victoria Beckham or Denrele, better work that blog and break the internet, gurl! Your blog will become sought after, and cool kid status will gallop your way. Belie’ dat!

Being a guest-blogger. Now, you may not have the time or energy or mental capacity to start your own blog but fear not. You can guest blog on others. Piggy back, it is called. Email them asking that you would like to guest blog. Beg that friend of a friend that runs the popular blogs. Trust me, it works. Make sure you use a catchy pseudonym if you don’t want people knowing who you are. That’s my trick anyway. Very soon, you’ll be sought after by major blogs and sites and your name will be on every one’s lips.

Well, your pseudonym.

Be A Bitch. Yaz. You must be a bitch if you want to succeed. Who the hell knew what a naijagistlive was until this man/woman swooped in and turned Linda Ikeji into a lullaby?

Don’t just leave it to the anonymous commenters. Be an anonymous commenter in your post. Don’t just leave it to the photos. Girl, make people ignore the photos because they want to gobble up the text instead. That friend who you grew up with that was stupid enough to misbehave in the public eye? Throw her to the darn wolves. Now! Maintenant! And make sure you put in the fact that you know that popular politician/IG vixen/baby mama/entertainer personally. I mean, how else will people believe that you’re being honest?

Oh, and better be anonymous. If not, your own don finish be dat.

PS – don’t get caught. You’re on your own oh.

Now, I hope I was able to convince and not confuse you on how to turn your banal blog into a cool kid’s blog. I’m sorry…you still want to focus on the news and your fictional stories and your writing which is articulate, well thought out and educative?

LOL. You aren’t ready, my dear.

NEXT!

RUBY’S A – Z OF BEING A COOL KID

Hi my name is Ruby, that’s not my real name but what does it matter to you

I am a lawyer by day and a writer by night, again that’s not the point of this post

Growing up was a struggle for me.

I wanted to be hip. Cool. Yuppy.

The ‘baddest beech’, only in those days, I think it was called ‘Chassis’

I forget now (old age sucks).

I grew older and being cool was still an elusive thing…

Until I finally figured it out in this new internet-crazy world we live in

I researched and I found and I learned and I practiced and I adapted and now…

I’m the shit!

I’m cool

No, seriously. I’m so cool people ask me how to be cool

And I act coy and tell them it came naturally

Purposefully forgetting how darn difficult it was for me to get here

Shit, that bit of my memory has been completely wiped out now

I’m the new Denrele. I’m the better Olamide

Sheeeiiiiiii, I’m your daddy!

And now I’ve decided to help the helpless – here’s my guide on

*Drumrolllllllll*

How To Be A Lagos Cool Kid!

Grab your smartphones, tablets or notepads (for those of you still old school like me…although old school is the new black. Vintage, daaaaahliiiink), get to jotting then get to practicing

Soon you’ll be as cool as me. Maybe even cooler

Okay, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, dear.

You’ll maybe be as cool as me.

Enjoy, mes amis.

(Yes, throw in a French word or 2. God, I’m already dropping gems like the icicle that I am *dusts shoulder*)


COOL KID

A is for Asoebi Bella

So, you’ve been invited to a wedding. Okay, some of us don’t get invited and we hear stories like ‘ah, you cannot come without IV oh. Romoke is not joking with her wedding. She wants it to strictly be by IV. The bouncers won’t be smiling oh, even if you shake bobbee’.

Psssshhhhhhh. Rookies.

IVs can be gotten anyhow. You don’t need to know the groom or bride. You can buy from his/her friend and get her to get another IV. You can get your friend to tell the groom/bride that she cannot come alone and that way, she gets 3 extra. Sheeeeiiit, you can accidentally-on-purpose hunt this couple down and remind them how you guys were best friends in nursery school.

Followed by an epistle on this friendship. Urgh, no shade throwing! Bad girl, Rubs!

Anyway, you secure that IV and that’s the first step. Next stop –

THE ASOEBI!

Oh my Gahd, I cannot overemphasize how important this material is: this French lace; this damask; this taffeta; this material from Switzerland/Dubai/artfully-sought-out-Balogun. This Must Be Bought.

Be it, N15,000 or N75,000. If you need to sell a phone to buy the asoebi, then please my sister, do so. You do not want to go for that wedding and be sticking out like a sore thumb. How else will the audience invitees recognize the family and/or friends of the couple? Don’t be silly!

Now the asoebi has been acquired. On to the next. Your sewing style.

This is almost as important as buying your asoebi, my dears. You must dress to impress. You must scour the interwebs for designs. Google should become your best friend…heck, your soulmate!

Bellanaija? Check!

Wedding Design? Check!

And my favourite, ASOS market place – for when you want to look different albeit elegant. Oh yes!

So you’ve decided on what you want to sew; time to hunt for the perfect tailor or designer. Now, I normally sew iro and bubas because I think…no, I know I’ve acquired enough cool status to do whatever the hell I want. You, my precious, are just about to ‘follow the laidah to ayvuuuun’. So don’t go to any tailor to sew iro and buba for 1k oh. Lie, lie, don’t try it. This is the time for you to oppress those people who got their IV the honest way. To oppress those friends that have been cool from birth. To oppress the damn bride. Shit, how dare she be getting married while you’re still hunting for that canary yellow diamond? Rubbish!

Time to check out our faithful bellanaija for the designers that are always tagged at the end of wedding posts and have your cheque book ready cuz, girllllll. They ain’t cheap! And if they sew for less than N10,000 – even for iro and blouse, then please, discard those hungry tailors. We are not here for them. We are here for Designer Tailors ala Toju Foyeh. *Sniff*

Okay, you have added a further N15,000 bill to the N55,000 you spent on purchasing that Swiss asoebi and Segoe gele. Time to get that MUA aka Make-Up Artist on lockdown, cuz trust me, everyone is hustling to book their own slot for this wedding of the week decade. Please, please and please, if you cannot get your face beat by Bmpro, Jide of St.Ola or Shomaya then…I dunno man. I just…*sob*, I just don’t know.

Anyhoo, you’ve gotten your dress down pat, your face beat, your hair did…. *brake*

Oh my!

Did I forget to tell you about your hurrrrr? Urgh, I’m terribly behaved. Sisteh, plix. It goes without saying that your hair must be On Fleek! Luckily, you don’t have to suffer like I did in the early days with £500 Brazilian and relaxed hair because we didn’t even have lace front in those days.

You lucky lucky beeches!

Now, you can buy hair for less than half the price and get an expensive wig made. And rock and rock and rock till the real owner of the hair in far-away Peru is smiling – getting her hair shorn was not done in vain. In fact, you don’t even need to get crazy-expensive hair. Natural hair is the new orange is the new black! Rock your natural locks, gurl. Get your twist-outs then hashtag away till your comment section looks crazy – all from your own hashtags. You may think I’m giving you sketchy advice on getting the best hairstyle, whatever it is seeing as you’ll be rocking your gele buuuuuut…remember, ladies. To be uber cool and not just cool, you must remove that gele once it’s about 9/10pm and wear your new bff’s fila. Yup. If you don’t have any guy friends then make one at the wedding by hook or crook cuz that fila must be rocked. I think I have about 11 or 12 in my wardrobe now hehehe. In order for you to rock his cap, you must have wonderful hair.

Can’t be placing a nice cap on your fowl nyash hair now, can you?

Okay, girls. We’re halfway there. Grab a well-deserved glass of some nice sweet Four Cousins and take a breather. You’re close to the finish line *sigh*

Ready for the final lap? Okay, let’s do this.

It’s the day of the wedding. You have your nice outfit and you’ve tried it on and you look absolutely smashing. Your hair is in perfect waves, undulating like a belly dancer down your back. Your face is glowing like you just had the best sex of your life. Your nose is perfectly contoured like you have more than a sprinkling of Caucasian in you. Your cheekbones can be used to grate cheese. Your eyes are more doe-like than Bambi. Your waist trainer has clinched in your waist like those black American video vixens’. In short, the way you look, there’s a possibility that the groom, his father and his father-in-law might dump their respective spouses for you. I repeat, SMASHING!

Time for you to enlist that not-as-fine friend to follow you to the wedding. She’s alright-looking. A bit meh. But you cannot rock to the wedding alone and you sure as hell cannot rock there with one mammy-water light-skinned beauty. Get you a Monique and coo over her voluptuous look. Make sure you slot in, ‘Omg, you look amazing. I’m even jealous now that all the guys will be scoping you oh. Hey God, do you think I look okay at least?’ Don’t come across as fawning because she has a mirror and is not stupid. The right amount of Daz should have been measured in advance for proper washing i.e. a week or 2 before, start dropping comments like ‘Ah ah. Babe, is work stressing you like this? You’re losing weight oh’, even if she just galloped from a size 14 to an 18. If she points this out, tell her that the weight is just in her boobs and arse.

Right, you’ve ticked off getting that friend. Time for the obligatory booze because you cannot turn up to the wedding sober. Remember you don’t know anyone so you might be plopped at a table with the maids and drivers and annoying village relatives the couple just had to invite. You really really REALLY don’t want to have to drink the cheap plonk they were served. So down a couple of shots – just enough to be merry because, at the same time, you don’t want to rock up drunk.

Are you merry? Swell. You’re perfectly coiffed and your friend is relatively alright-looking? Grand. Time to uber there. Oh, you’ve already spent a lot of money? My friend, please drop this book and go and read some Mills and Boons and dream of the man you will never have because, you my dear, are not ready! Comon, will you flex your Mastercard and order that uber!? Thankfully you don’t need uber black cuz the normal one sends good cars too. Now that you’ve plopped your bum in the cab like a good girl, time to POUT!

Yes, princess. Pout like Kim and take all those selfies cuz it’s time to hashtag your life out.

#facebeatbyBmpro

#weddingtime

#mygirlisgettingmarried

#TeeJay2016

#TopeTopstitch

Then tag all those people cuz you never know, you just might end up on their pages.

And the moment we’ve been waiting for…..

#bellanaija #bellanaijawedding #bella #asoebibella #asoebibella #asoebibella #asoebibella #asoebibella #asoebibella #asoebibella #asoebibella #asoebibella #asoebibella

Yes girl. Hashtag the shit out of Asoebi bella because baby gel, there is the off-chance you might be mentioned as ‘guest’ or have no caption when that wedding ends up on Bella Naija.

And it will -__-

This way, if you get a mention on asoebi bella, you can be tied to the wedding and you have literally hit the wedding stratosphere. Every time you go for an event or a wedding or whatever, bella naija will dig into their archives and pull your name out and lirrul by lirrul, you’ll become a star. A popular jingo. Someone other women aspire to look like or dress like or be like or be associated with.

You will become A Cool Kid!

 

Until we meet again

Ruby