LANDING THE RIGHT MAN

Guys I apologise for being consistently inconsistent these days, truth is, I am working on a lot of things even while on vacation, it almost feels like I am biting more than I can chew but when one is a budding policy-maker, one is everyone’s go-to house-girl for policy/research related issues, most of the time, for free, but in Nigeria, we call it “sowing seeds for your future”. Not even going to lie, Ima is really enjoying this her time away from a 9-5, vacation where she no run go ‘the abroad’ to spend money, I still wake up to my alarm clock, roll over and continue sleeping or go and exercise if I had enough sleep. I cook, a lot these days, until you have had my unripe plantain porridge, you haven’t had a good one, yes I am actually boasting!

It’s funny how my friends are more worried about my single status than I am, sometimes I actually forget that I am no longer a spring-chicken. You know they say ‘Gemini’ are externally kids and in my case, that won’t be a lie, I mean one is the big 3.0 next year, and still sulks when a date rain checks on one. I just learnt what rain check meant two days ago, lol! I am proud of myself.

Recently, our very own Miss Gidi, played a fast one on me with an arrangee that took me a while to figure out for what it was. It was very pleasant, sweet and pleasing to the eyes and I am still blushing from it, that’s all y’all need to know, lol!…in her defence, I harassed her into introducing me to someone since she is too busy with wedding planning.

On another note, I have this friend (we’ll call her Spice) that’s  been trying to hook me up with her boyfriend’s friend for a while now. I declined the offer, and months ago she said, she was too concerned for me and that her boyfriend who proposed without a ring, had said once they get married she would not hang around single ladies again. In my sarcastic manner, I told her my lawyers would contact be in touch soon to process our no-hard-feelings-unfriendship.

So in order to avoid this unfriendship, she decided it was time to urge me on to consider her bae’s friend. According to her, he was every inch a potential husband and he was actively looking for a wife not dating around. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and but she kept insisting, so I told her the light version of why not her bae’s friend which is ‘we just don’t click, maybe it’s me’, but here’s the raw version.

Usually, I am very weary of who wants to hook me up especially when your relationship is not working, no thanks! Any man who behaves like Spice’s boyfriend will not have the kind of man I like as friends, birds of a feather flock together, true story.

Spice’s boyfriend will be out with Spice and some random chick will walk up to him and say, you never called me back and he won’t remember how and where he met her, but he will tell Spice, she must be some chick he has had sex with, he managed to convince her that he loves her, but his nature is a more prevalent force he cannot control, to Spice, love doesn’t negate cheating. Spice is the kind of girl that goes to her boyfriend’s house with her own pillow, sheets, and duvet cover, because she doesn’t want to sleep on sex sweat from side-pieces. Spice said, a man sleeping with random chics is nothing to worry about, but when it is a particular girl, there is reason to pray and fast against strange women.  Don’t ask me mbok, I don’t understand it too, but how about respect? I wish a n*** would, rubbish!

Fast and pray ko, my mates are finding solutions to their immediate world’s problem, I should pray and fast for a man not to leave me for another? Abasi akan (God forbid). God doesn’t answer those kinds of prayers; God is too busy to focus on manipulation.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, I am talking to my oyinbo friend who called me for some girl talk on something she was going through in her marriage. As my therapy session, I mean, girl-chat ended, Spice broke down crying, saying, her bae, the same one who proposed without a ring, keeps breaking up with her, saying, he doesn’t think he is good enough for her, how she deserves better, and could do way better than him. Dude even said he fears, he might run away and leave her one day should they go ahead with the marriage that has no plan, details or anything fixed.

I wasn’t surprised, in my mind, I was like any man who proposes without a ring, is as unserious as unserious can be, maybe it was in the heat of some mind-blowing sex, because why else will a man propose without ring?

As I probed further to find out why she didn’t ask for a ring or want to know when this wedding shall be, Spice, wailed. And then said, he said he didn’t want to draw attention until he had saved up enough money to give her a befitting ring and grand dream wedding ceremony.

Worse load of ish I have heard in my entire life. What is a dream wedding, sef? My own dream wedding is 50 close friends and family at the court, dinner for 100 later followed by thanksgiving in church, and then we can honeymoon for 4 weeks and have amazing sex in some exotic locations around the world, what could be better than that?. Spending excessively on a lavished ceremony is waste of resources…Miss Gidi wait oh! we still plan to turn up for yours so don’t cut down, DJ Xclusive maybe?

So Spice ended the conversation with, ‘he benefits more from this relationship than I do from him’, when I pressed further, it turned out that she bought him a piece of land,  paid for the survey and planning, and apparently, this was the same time, the deadbeat pulled the ring-less spur of the moment engagement stunt…shebi I talk am…there had to be some motivation for that nonsense.

Now she’s back at square one, crying a river, if I talk now, they will say I don’t understand because I don’t have a man so this time I have absolutely nothing to say

But my fellow single ladies, if a man lives in Egbeda and you love him, live there with him until he is able to come up with an upgrade, only ever, contribute or plan with a man who is your husband, not a boyfriend, not even fiance mbok. Some men are wired to derive joy and ego from being heads and leaders, if you buy land for a man, he will take it as he should and build a life with a woman who accepts his present state in life and allows him to be a man.

If a man wants to be with you, no ex, side babes, friends with benefits, friends having hope, can keep him away, if he doesn’t, there is nothing you can do to keep him…not even 10 plots in Banana Island

I rest my case

Imarose

City of Boyfriends

Guest post by Briticoyemo

When I moved to Lagos I decided to put my romantic life on hold, after the last horror show of a situation I was in, I figured I needed a break and to put any signs of premature ageing that mess had caused me to bed. Moving to another country was upheaval enough and I had no interest in further complicating my life by trying to understand Lagos men and what made them tick.

When I told a friend about my decision, she laughed and told me not to worry about a boyfriend because soon I’d have boyfriends. Boyfriends?! As in plural? That was absolutely not part of the plan. Dating multiple men in Lagos, she elaborated, was standard procedure.

I laughed it off of course, until I got here and saw for myself how fluid the term relationship is and what it means to have multiple boyfriends. For every situation there is a boyfriend. The one who sends recharge cards, the one you call when you’re lonely, the one you actually like, the one who sorts out your car, the one you eat dinner with, the older one, the younger one, the rich one, the not-so-rich one, the cute one and so on and so forth.

It’s fascinating to see how these women handle and ‘compartmentalize’ all these guys without a second thought, it’s just part and parcel of being unmarried in Lagos.

I remain boyfriend-less, even though I’m not a romantic person there’s something about dating more than one guy I just can’t get into, perhaps it’s all the Disney I watched as a kid. Studies say women are good at multi-tasking but is it meant to extend to juggling people too?

I get the logic behind it; I mean there’s nothing worse than putting all your eggs in one basket then discovering the basket is a horrible, cowardly, City supporter that you want to set adrift far, far, down the Niger river.

Why not have backups? Backups make sense. Backups are smart. Except yuck, the term ‘backups’? Really? Like I said, I’m no romantic but ‘You’re one of many items on the menu this evening,’ is kind of a buzz kill. I mean really, how can you really get to know someone or invest in something if you’ve got other things on your agenda? Even if you’re multi-tasking, something will always take precedence.

And what happens when that happens? When you find the Thierry Henry among the Ashley Young’s, how do you extricate yourself? Maybe a polite ‘thanks for playing, better luck next time’ notice? How awkward. What’s the etiquette? Do you tell each guy he’s one of many from the beginning?  If you don’t, then isn’t there a lot of dl-ing/strategic avoidance going on?  What happens if there’s an identification mix-up? It all just seems rather tiring and Lagos is tiring enough as it is.

Perhaps it’s a cultural thing, in London, the ‘dating culture’ is really a big deal, people tend to fall into relationships courtesy of a Student Union night or a Christmas party and having one boyfriend at a time is pretty much the status quo. But the game is different here and not even necessarily in a bad way.  From what I’ve observed the girls dating more than one guy are almost always the ones comforting those hung up on just one. Maybe the key is not to invest until you find something worth investing in.

So maybe I’m doing it wrong, Disney got it twisted and Jasmine secretly had a bunch of dudes on the side incase Aladdin messed up.  Perhaps it’s a case of ‘when in Rome do what the Romans do’ and when in Lagos date a bunch of guys until you find the right basket.

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Miss Gidi here

Like Briticoyemo, I have often wondered how any lady could date more than one guy at a time and I would like to say a huge thank you to Yemo for sending this in. If you have any stories or experience of living single in Lagos that you would like to share then send an email to singleingidi@yahoo.com. But for the topic at hand, do you agree with the concept of multiple dating? what are the advantages of it and how different is it from cheating? share your thoughts below