LOSS OF MY LIFE

You meet a girl, let’s call her LOML (Love of my life). You vibe with her on all levels; Sexual attraction ✔ Communication ✔ Friendship ✔ Banter ✔ Intellectual stimulation ✔etc. You guys are a phenomenal duo! RMD and Regina got nothing on you, Will and Jada pale in comparison, Sheldon and Amy? They need to bazinga away!

So you date/hang/chill/whatever until you’re entwined in each other’s lives. I mean, she gets you so it makes sense for her to fit into those hard to reach and mostly hidden areas of your life as you have also fit into hers. Life is good, love is better and LOML, the best.

You’re somewhat successful and the thought of having mini-yous, a home and a wife starts creeping in, you know, the whole “I’m a responsible and respectable man” package; the housewife and 2.5 kids.

You’re still with LOML, however, you realize that LOML doesn’t fit your(read patriarchy’s) idea of what a wife should be, you scored her against the sacred list, handed to you by years of perfectly crafted societal ideals of marriage. She didn’t do well. So you shenk her, give her the usual lines; “it’s not you, it’s me”, “any guy will be lucky to have you”, yenyenyen.

It’s ended, it hurts but “it was the right thing to do” you repeatedly tell yourself, you flash back to her ideologies about marriage and yes it was definitely the right thing to do! She wouldn’t have let you ascend unto your husbandly throne, so you quickly recoup and embark on a search, a search for your perfect idea of a wife or most likely what societal conditioning has told you is a perfect spouse, you don’t search too far because she is that girl who is always around but you never felt a thing for, the one who didn’t make your loins catch fire but defers to you at the slightest provocation, she doesn’t stimulate you but she will take care of the home.
So you make up your mind, he that finds a wife….. You’ve found her, you choose her, life is complete and happily ever after can begin.

The story should end here right? But that’s not where it stops because life can be a Shonda Rhimes script sometimes.

Few months, years down the line…… You now realize that your partner doesn’t get sarcasm, doesn’t get your jokes, doesn’t do it(you can’t explain) for you, no stimulation but still checks all the boxes a partner should have according to society’s manual of marriage, you’re stuck!

You remember LOML, the nights spent talking about the stars, dreams, the ludicrous ingenuity of the shakushaku dance, the ease with which they “got” you. You miss that….. You miss her…..

So, you get in touch, hurray, she’s still single!!! You try to reconnect, a little “hey” here, a little “sup” there before you know, it’s morphed into a “let’s hang”. You meet up, you talk, your heart lights up, you’ve not felt this alive in ages, she still ticks those boxes and you realize you shouldn’t have let her go….

You’re back home and it’s cold.. you perform your societal husbandly duties… Yes, you love your wife and “perfect” life but you need to feel alive….

Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do? Don’t worry you can talk to me about it in the comment section. Do you have an idea on what he should do? Let me know in the comment section.

And yes people, I am back!!! We’ll have a catch-up post soon, but until then let’s not pretend you (yes you) didn’t miss me, tell me how much in the comment section too❤

I WANT TO BE A SUGAR BABY

Timiebix: Yo, Mz Gidi!!

Mz Gidi: Sup?!

Timiebix: Have you ever tried googling sugar baby?

Mz Gidi: Why are you so random tho?

Timiebix: I’ve been thinking. I want to be a sugar baby, like a proper sugar baby in Lagos.

Mz Gidi: Why would you want to do that to your rep?

Timiebix: Who rep ‘epp? Think about it na, the average Nigerian does not earn enough to live a decent life. See, I’ve been struggling in this Lagos since I moved back so why would I reject someone who wants to shower me with attention, life of luxury and maybe smoh sugar??? I’ve even done my research and majority of Lagos agree with me.

Mz Gidi: Why did you lie it was for a new post when really you were just seeking validation from twitter?

Timiebix: That’s not the point, 67% agree with me. So it should be legal, a proper profession to be given credit for.

Mz Gidi: Out of only 21 votes…I’m not sure if that’s a proper sample size.

Timiebix: You have come again. I sha want to be a sugar baby.

Mz Gidi: Fine! So what will you be giving in return for all of this?

Timiebix: Companionship, someone to listen to them. You know these men are powerful men who tend to have busy lives and sometimes busy partners who cannot make time out for them. Moreover, they tend to marry women below their educational level, so trust me when I say my level of exposure is a plus to them.

Mz Gidi: Ummm I think you have it all mixed up o…you know companionship also comes with providing ‘smoh’ sugar on your part. That’s the whole point of being a Sugar baby… but who am I to judge? Me I can’t see myself being a sugar baby sha…

Timiebix: All the bags of sugar I’ve been dispensing without any dividends nko? A little sugar here and there makes the world remain on its axis, one has to practice the law of balance. There are a lot of girls that “give” sugar for little to nothing so why not go big and get maximum dividends for your sugar investments

Mz Gidi: It’s not only sugar investments. I just can’t see myself being with a man the age of my grandfather sha, whether single or married, there is something not just right with it. Is it that all the young men in Lagos have finished that you are now considering a Baba?

Timiebix: Most young boys that don’t know what they want. Today it’s a partner that will go Dutch on the rent and school fees, tomorrow it’s a stay at home wife, breeding children while barefoot and stirring a pot of egusi soup and don’t get me started on their wack sex game.

Mz Gidi: You didn’t just go there.

Timiebix: See, the thing people need to know is that sugar babying transcends age. The sugar daddy image has been revamped, they are not necessarily old, wrinkly and quarter to die. Yes, the older the better as your schedule as a sugar baby might not be as packed if he’s in his 70s or 80s but this doesn’t mean girls don’t go for the young guys in their early 40s as well. The most important criteria in choosing a sugar daddy is his net-worth and not necessarily age, as long as he has enough spare cash to sustain a sugar baby’s lifestyle, he’s good to go!

Mz Gidi: Soo in summary you just want to be a gold digger? Cause that’s what it sounds like to me.

Timiebix: Ah ah, who is talking about gold digging here? Gold digging is different, it involves the “gold-diggee” being oblivious to the gold digger’s plans or schemes. This is a mutual understanding between two adults. A symbiotic relationship if you want to go all biological, we both benefit something from each other. Some people might say the sugarbaby gets more in this relationship but I don’t think so.

Mz Gidi: Will the sugar baby be buying expensive gifts? Will they be buying autobiography range rovers abi range rover autobiography??

Timiebix: Er I thought I already explained what a sugar baby is now? Who will she be buying expensive gifts for? These men are used to the luxury life and mostly roll in a tight elite circle, it’s an insult to a sugar daddy’s status for his sugar baby to ride coach. That means you’re telling his clique that he’s not man enough biko his rep should not be dissed with poor people mentality. The car is just for convenience, the driver may not be always around to chauffeur her around so getting her a comfortable, safe and luxurious car is standard and not necessarily over the top.

Mz Gidi: Hmmm…you’ve really thought this through haven’t you. So what will you say is your profession now? I mean you can’t be living the luxurious life and not have a proper job.

Timiebix: Did Kim Kardashian have a proper job when she started? How about Paris Hilton? Yes, I know some people will come at me with the “but they had rich daddies” line. This sugar baby business has to be done with sense, yes the life is luxurious but one can’t stupidly think the sugar daddy will be there forever, he might die (most likely), want to move on to something/someone else because you are getting old or just decide he wants out of this life. So one has to be strategic and ensure that the time spent with them leaves one with tangible assets and maybe a few businesses.

I remember reading about a sugar baby that was gifted a whole pub in Italy  by her sugar daddy, now that’s a sugar baby with a solid business sense. Or the one in Naija here, that her sugar daddy revamped her life with cosmetic surgery and she even started a cosmetic line on top, please you need sense for this business.

Mz Gidi: Sounds like a lot of work to me.

Timiebix: It’s a full-time job! Moreover, we’re in Nigeria, one can get away with attributing God and hard work to one’s success without giving any tangible facts or replicable methods.

Mz Gidi: I just can’t with you right now. You obviously seem very convinced and your survey of 21 people doesn’t help matters, so what’s the next step to being a fully employed sugar baby?

Timiebix: Ehen, that’s what you should have said since. I think the government should legalise sugar babying, make it into a law as it’s already prevalent in our society. I also believe this will help existing sugar babies become bold enough to share their stories and even go as far as sharing tips to help the budding sugar baby. I generally think doing this will be freeing as some people can finally publicly thank their sugar daddies for the gifts of oil wells, islands, and board members positions.

Mz Gidi: And then you can tell your mother with boldness that you are a sugar baby.

Timiebix: Every parent’s dream is to have happy, successful and well-rounded children so why not! It might take her a few minutes (read days or years) to adjust to my career choice and if she doesn’t, well I guess that’s one of the prices to pay for this life… Now to submit the motion to someone in power…Governor Rochas Okorocha maybe??

Mz Gidi: Yeeaaaaa…..my hand is not there, I should get back to work

Timiebix: Okay bye, I’ll let you know how it goes

Mz Gidi: Please don’t

HOW TO BE AVAILABLE AND NOT DESPERATE

Hello Mz Gidi,

After reading your last post, I have to ask you how a sister can date and not look desperate because I won’t lie I am ready to settle down but I am afraid that I may be giving off the desperado vibes.

As someone who has left the dating world, what do you suggest is the best way to be available but not desperate?

Love, 

Miss Almost Desperate


Hey Miss Almost Desperate,

I don’t know why I find this message funny but I will try my best to give you an objective response.

1. Don’t Lie : Not necessarily the big lies like you father is the president (unless he really is) but the little lies we tell in order to make ourselves more attractive to the other person. For example saying you love football when you don’t, pretending to be the chef of the family when you don’t know what a pot looks like, the kind of music you listen to or even your spiritual beliefs and convictions.You want him/her to like you for who you are, not the made up you

2. Stop being a stalker: Maybe I should say, stop being an ‘obvious’ stalker because with social media these days, everybody has a little stalker tendency. It may be cute at the start but after a while you become creepy being all up in their grill, knowing everything they do without giving them a chance to tell you (even for conversation sake)

3. Create a boundary: By this I mean stop with the 20 calls in a day or the need to be clingy and be given attention. If they don’t respond to your messages, maybe they are busy and you should be too.

4. Don’t try too hard: If you look like you are doing a lot to get them to notice you, then I’m sorry you look desperate. It’s no fun when only one person is doing all the work.

5. It’s not the end of the world: If you meet every guy/girl with the thought of a future relationship in your head, none of these tips will work. Calm down; make friends, not boyfriends. If they don’t like you back, don’t take it personally. Everybody has different tastes and personalities, so maybe you are not what they are looking for, trying to force them to make them like you is an act of desperation

At the end of the day, I believe there is no right or wrong when it comes dating however there are a few basics that I believe everyone should know especially when you are ready to settle down .

Best of luck

LANDING THE RIGHT MAN

Guys I apologise for being consistently inconsistent these days, truth is, I am working on a lot of things even while on vacation, it almost feels like I am biting more than I can chew but when one is a budding policy-maker, one is everyone’s go-to house-girl for policy/research related issues, most of the time, for free, but in Nigeria, we call it “sowing seeds for your future”. Not even going to lie, Ima is really enjoying this her time away from a 9-5, vacation where she no run go ‘the abroad’ to spend money, I still wake up to my alarm clock, roll over and continue sleeping or go and exercise if I had enough sleep. I cook, a lot these days, until you have had my unripe plantain porridge, you haven’t had a good one, yes I am actually boasting!

It’s funny how my friends are more worried about my single status than I am, sometimes I actually forget that I am no longer a spring-chicken. You know they say ‘Gemini’ are externally kids and in my case, that won’t be a lie, I mean one is the big 3.0 next year, and still sulks when a date rain checks on one. I just learnt what rain check meant two days ago, lol! I am proud of myself.

Recently, our very own Miss Gidi, played a fast one on me with an arrangee that took me a while to figure out for what it was. It was very pleasant, sweet and pleasing to the eyes and I am still blushing from it, that’s all y’all need to know, lol!…in her defence, I harassed her into introducing me to someone since she is too busy with wedding planning.

On another note, I have this friend (we’ll call her Spice) that’s  been trying to hook me up with her boyfriend’s friend for a while now. I declined the offer, and months ago she said, she was too concerned for me and that her boyfriend who proposed without a ring, had said once they get married she would not hang around single ladies again. In my sarcastic manner, I told her my lawyers would contact be in touch soon to process our no-hard-feelings-unfriendship.

So in order to avoid this unfriendship, she decided it was time to urge me on to consider her bae’s friend. According to her, he was every inch a potential husband and he was actively looking for a wife not dating around. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and but she kept insisting, so I told her the light version of why not her bae’s friend which is ‘we just don’t click, maybe it’s me’, but here’s the raw version.

Usually, I am very weary of who wants to hook me up especially when your relationship is not working, no thanks! Any man who behaves like Spice’s boyfriend will not have the kind of man I like as friends, birds of a feather flock together, true story.

Spice’s boyfriend will be out with Spice and some random chick will walk up to him and say, you never called me back and he won’t remember how and where he met her, but he will tell Spice, she must be some chick he has had sex with, he managed to convince her that he loves her, but his nature is a more prevalent force he cannot control, to Spice, love doesn’t negate cheating. Spice is the kind of girl that goes to her boyfriend’s house with her own pillow, sheets, and duvet cover, because she doesn’t want to sleep on sex sweat from side-pieces. Spice said, a man sleeping with random chics is nothing to worry about, but when it is a particular girl, there is reason to pray and fast against strange women.  Don’t ask me mbok, I don’t understand it too, but how about respect? I wish a n*** would, rubbish!

Fast and pray ko, my mates are finding solutions to their immediate world’s problem, I should pray and fast for a man not to leave me for another? Abasi akan (God forbid). God doesn’t answer those kinds of prayers; God is too busy to focus on manipulation.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, I am talking to my oyinbo friend who called me for some girl talk on something she was going through in her marriage. As my therapy session, I mean, girl-chat ended, Spice broke down crying, saying, her bae, the same one who proposed without a ring, keeps breaking up with her, saying, he doesn’t think he is good enough for her, how she deserves better, and could do way better than him. Dude even said he fears, he might run away and leave her one day should they go ahead with the marriage that has no plan, details or anything fixed.

I wasn’t surprised, in my mind, I was like any man who proposes without a ring, is as unserious as unserious can be, maybe it was in the heat of some mind-blowing sex, because why else will a man propose without ring?

As I probed further to find out why she didn’t ask for a ring or want to know when this wedding shall be, Spice, wailed. And then said, he said he didn’t want to draw attention until he had saved up enough money to give her a befitting ring and grand dream wedding ceremony.

Worse load of ish I have heard in my entire life. What is a dream wedding, sef? My own dream wedding is 50 close friends and family at the court, dinner for 100 later followed by thanksgiving in church, and then we can honeymoon for 4 weeks and have amazing sex in some exotic locations around the world, what could be better than that?. Spending excessively on a lavished ceremony is waste of resources…Miss Gidi wait oh! we still plan to turn up for yours so don’t cut down, DJ Xclusive maybe?

So Spice ended the conversation with, ‘he benefits more from this relationship than I do from him’, when I pressed further, it turned out that she bought him a piece of land,  paid for the survey and planning, and apparently, this was the same time, the deadbeat pulled the ring-less spur of the moment engagement stunt…shebi I talk am…there had to be some motivation for that nonsense.

Now she’s back at square one, crying a river, if I talk now, they will say I don’t understand because I don’t have a man so this time I have absolutely nothing to say

But my fellow single ladies, if a man lives in Egbeda and you love him, live there with him until he is able to come up with an upgrade, only ever, contribute or plan with a man who is your husband, not a boyfriend, not even fiance mbok. Some men are wired to derive joy and ego from being heads and leaders, if you buy land for a man, he will take it as he should and build a life with a woman who accepts his present state in life and allows him to be a man.

If a man wants to be with you, no ex, side babes, friends with benefits, friends having hope, can keep him away, if he doesn’t, there is nothing you can do to keep him…not even 10 plots in Banana Island

I rest my case

Imarose

AVOIDING TIME WASTERS

Stringing along is such a common thing in the Lagos dating scene. How can we truly differentiate between someone who is trying to get to know us and a time waster so we don’t waste our time or close the doors to other potentials just because we are hung on this guy or girl who is string us along many others to see if we can fight hard enough to earn our place as their “main”?

Well, I am NOT a relationship expert ooooh abeg, I am just sharing things my crazy mind has overtime picked up and assume to be a working formula and so far, works for me.

Ok. so, How do you know a timed-waster?

First of all, to be fair, I speak only for myself, I have been guilty of wasting someone’s time when I was hurt, but they always knew from the beginning because I told them, I wasn’t in a good place emotionally to even consider a relationship. That didn’t mean I didn’t enjoy having someone call me to see how work was or waking up to a text in the morning….. it feels good to have someone. So, I have done it, but it wasn’t intentional and eventually I had to admit to myself it was unfair to take a great guy’s attention knowing fully well my thoughts were blurry and we had ZERO chemistry to begin with. I wasn’t proud of it, my conscience didn’t let me rest…I apologised and moved on.

It happens often, men string women along, women string men along too for convenience or maybe the fear of being alone. Often times stringing along feeds the ego and satisfies that longing in men to get high on the thrill of the chase. Stringing along, completely disregards the lack of intentions of pursuing a relationship with the “bait”.

Identifying time wasters is easier than you think if you are a realistic person.

Some people are master-gamers and have a doctorate at what they do. So how do you know someone is wasting your time? Well, do they ever mention you and them in the context of “we” sometimes? Do they ever plan for a “real date” with you or is it “hanging out” “when are we seeing?” “when are you coming over?” or just texting and phone conversation type-situation? Do they make an effort to REALLY get to know you by wanting to know your background, present and past because getting to know someone is about collecting data, if they are not, then maybe they are just using you to pass time.

Do they disappear for days and then pop back up after a while? Do they have history that they are unwilling to share about past relationships? Does it feel right? I think I can stop here because I think you get the picture.

Avoiding time-wasters starts really by first knowing who you are as a person, what your values are, what values you can add in the life of another and what you are looking for in a mate. Sometimes, people don’t even know why they want in a boyfriend or a girlfriend other than the fact that it’s almost time to get married and they need to find that man or woman.

I feel it’s important to know, that way, you go into it with the right mindset and expectation and with the grace for the faults of another human being as no one is perfect. If you are just looking to hangout, hookup or whatever else they call it these days then you shouldn’t bother when your game meets someone’s game.

If you are looking for nourishing relationships like I am, then, you need to invest your time wisely by only giving people what they give back to you. For men, only pursue a woman who knows who she is and what she wants and make sure she can stand on her own.

I say that because a woman who doesn’t know herself could adjust temporarily to suit whatever you require of her, usually because there is an incentive; you represent something she lacks and is in need of. It’s very easy for a woman to pretend to love a man for the incentive (my taxi driver recently told me a story I can’t wait to share). For a man, if he is not making an effort, he is either newly hurt or not that into you, in other words, time-waster.

It doesn’t mean everything should turn into something serious, some people in the journey to finding love will be used as an experiment to see how it is..just make sure the lab rat is not you.

For example, last year I met this dude who chased life outta me, I just always thought he was too vague, so I put him on “watch and see/too good to be real list” and went into a lot of exploring data collection convos, eventually, this guy, popped out unknowingly saying “gosh is it true what they say? I can’t wait to experience what a Calabar girl feels like” well I dismissed the calabar part with “I’m not Calabar,I’m Ibibio and I am not a car and I will not be test-driven, sorry”. He cut his looses eventually on notice that ImaRose was bad-market.

Girls, until you have had that conversation of understanding the kind of relationship you both want and are currently pursuing, keep your legs closed!, unless of course you too are using the guy for sex or whatever (I don’t support it but I guess it’s a free world). Now that tinder has made it to Nigeria, trust me, to a guy, sex doesn’t mean he is serious so be wise.

What else can you do to avoid time wasters when dating? Here are some more tips:

  • Be clear about your dating intentions and expectations
  • Be selective about who you talk to and date (just because they’re interested or they’re attractive doesn’t make them an ideal partner)
  • Give it time, true intentions are exposed with time
  • Some people are actually just busy, rather than assume, ask questions
  • Assess people on their actions and not their words (time wasters will promise the world and deliver nothing)
  • Pay attention to the frequency and quality of their contact with you (are they actually trying to get to know you in a real way?)
  • Are they more interested in getting in your panties?
  • Do they talk about other people they’re “talking to” in the same way as they’re talking to you?
  • Trust your instinct (it’s your spirit trying to WARN you of something)

Finally, LIVE! Don’t focus too much on the outcome, focus more on the experience in the dating process , every now and then, assess how you feel and only continue if you feel good, the rest will fall into place when it’s supposed to.

Right now, I don’t care if someone sends me a text and if I do get one I’d text back when I can and not wait five hours just for the heck of it.If I have a question, I will ask and I expect nothing in return.

Until then, I’m simply appreciating the experience of getting to know interesting people, whatever the outcome.

Love,

ImaRose

DEALING WITH WHAT NEVER WAS

I believe I met the love of my life about a year ago, he was everything I wanted in a man, he was smart, funny in a nerdy way, loved good music and had the fear of the Lord in his heart. We fell in love, got married and were going to live happily ever after for the rest of our lives.

That was all in my head

What really happened was that I met a guy via social media (we’re in 2014 so don’t judge), we connected in many ways that made me wonder where he had been all my life. He was a Lagos boy as well so we had a lot of Lagos childhood memories to share and laugh about. To be honest, no other man at the time was able to have my attention the way he did. Sadly, it was a long distance thing so we spent hours getting to know each other through phone calls and Skype dates. There was a connection, one I could not understand, like we were meant to be soul mates, you know the kind of stuff that you see in Hollywood movies.

Then I got to finally meet him in person, he was visiting for 10 days and I was determined to spend every day with him and that we did. Our connection was much stronger in person and we enjoyed every moment we had together until his last day. He possessed everything I could imagine in a man, I mean how else do you want a man to look at you? Talk to you? And treat you? With him I forgot all about my insecurities as he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

In reality we spent 9 days together because on his last day he became distant as he remembered he had to go back to his base, to the girl he left behind who loved him as much as I did. Oh yea he had a girlfriend and I had become the accidental side chic, like a cyber-mistress that was too good to be true. So slowly we drifted apart, the phone calls and Skype dates disappeared; we became strangers on the internet with the occasional hellos as our way to say ‘I still have you in my thoughts’

This is not my story but that of a friend, Hadiza’, who told me about a certain guy she thought would be ‘the one’. She, like many others had gotten too close to a guy and started something which she shouldn’t have in the first place. It wouldn’t be her first and I could totally relate with her because I have been there too. Often times in the course of life, we meet people that we believe are our possible soul mates and end up being hurt when it never works out quite as planned or dreamed.

After each breakup of a non-relationship, we find ourselves in a state of ‘what ifs?’ What if we were together? What if he/she is actually the other half of me that I have been searching for all my life? As Hadiza recounted her story I could sense the anger and hurt from the tone of her voice. Even though she was hurt, she often wondered what it would be like if they actually were together and a part of her hopes he will come back to her because what they felt/feel for each other was stronger than what anyone could understand (women and our wahala sha!)

What amazes me though is not the dynamics of a non-relationship but the ‘breakup’ and the impact it has on the person/people involved. In all fairness, do we really have control over the people that we get close to? How do you stop yourself from getting into such compromising situations or maybe dealing with a relationship that was never labelled as one in the first? Is the person involved now an ex or a former friend?

I could go on and on but at the end of the day, if it was never a relationship then what was it?