LOSS OF MY LIFE

You meet a girl, let’s call her LOML (Love of my life). You vibe with her on all levels; Sexual attraction ✔ Communication ✔ Friendship ✔ Banter ✔ Intellectual stimulation ✔etc. You guys are a phenomenal duo! RMD and Regina got nothing on you, Will and Jada pale in comparison, Sheldon and Amy? They need to bazinga away!

So you date/hang/chill/whatever until you’re entwined in each other’s lives. I mean, she gets you so it makes sense for her to fit into those hard to reach and mostly hidden areas of your life as you have also fit into hers. Life is good, love is better and LOML, the best.

You’re somewhat successful and the thought of having mini-yous, a home and a wife starts creeping in, you know, the whole “I’m a responsible and respectable man” package; the housewife and 2.5 kids.

You’re still with LOML, however, you realize that LOML doesn’t fit your(read patriarchy’s) idea of what a wife should be, you scored her against the sacred list, handed to you by years of perfectly crafted societal ideals of marriage. She didn’t do well. So you shenk her, give her the usual lines; “it’s not you, it’s me”, “any guy will be lucky to have you”, yenyenyen.

It’s ended, it hurts but “it was the right thing to do” you repeatedly tell yourself, you flash back to her ideologies about marriage and yes it was definitely the right thing to do! She wouldn’t have let you ascend unto your husbandly throne, so you quickly recoup and embark on a search, a search for your perfect idea of a wife or most likely what societal conditioning has told you is a perfect spouse, you don’t search too far because she is that girl who is always around but you never felt a thing for, the one who didn’t make your loins catch fire but defers to you at the slightest provocation, she doesn’t stimulate you but she will take care of the home.
So you make up your mind, he that finds a wife….. You’ve found her, you choose her, life is complete and happily ever after can begin.

The story should end here right? But that’s not where it stops because life can be a Shonda Rhimes script sometimes.

Few months, years down the line…… You now realize that your partner doesn’t get sarcasm, doesn’t get your jokes, doesn’t do it(you can’t explain) for you, no stimulation but still checks all the boxes a partner should have according to society’s manual of marriage, you’re stuck!

You remember LOML, the nights spent talking about the stars, dreams, the ludicrous ingenuity of the shakushaku dance, the ease with which they “got” you. You miss that….. You miss her…..

So, you get in touch, hurray, she’s still single!!! You try to reconnect, a little “hey” here, a little “sup” there before you know, it’s morphed into a “let’s hang”. You meet up, you talk, your heart lights up, you’ve not felt this alive in ages, she still ticks those boxes and you realize you shouldn’t have let her go….

You’re back home and it’s cold.. you perform your societal husbandly duties… Yes, you love your wife and “perfect” life but you need to feel alive….

Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do? Don’t worry you can talk to me about it in the comment section. Do you have an idea on what he should do? Let me know in the comment section.

And yes people, I am back!!! We’ll have a catch-up post soon, but until then let’s not pretend you (yes you) didn’t miss me, tell me how much in the comment section too❤

HAVE THE YORUBA DEMONS REBRANDED?

Last week, Falz introduced us to the Sweet Boy Association, a group of young men who are successful in whatever industry, look good always and are ‘sweet boys’. So many questions have been asked as to if these sweet boys are just demons who are trying too hard to change the Yoruba demon narrative. So let’s take a look at who these sweet boys are and compare them to the Yoruba demons.

  1. Sweet boys are successful – You cannot call yourself a sweet boy if you are not successful in what you do. Whether it be music, like the president Falz or fashion, or corporate law or petroleum engineering, whatever your hand finds to do, you must do it well. Yoruba Demons, on the other hand, is all-inclusive, whether successful or not, a Yoruba demon is a Yoruba demon.
  2. Sweet boys dress well ALWAYS– Mostly because they can afford to, whether it be agbada, kaftan, sweatpants or a three-piece suit, you can never catch a sweet boy looking anyhow. On the other hand, Yoruba demons are known for their uniform, the white or black agbada.
  3. Sweet boys are good looking – This is not in all cases, but most sweet boys are well groomed and in most cases are also members of the #beardgang.
  4. Sweet boys are influential – In addition to being successful, sweet boys are a voice to reckon with in whatever industry which means not all men who are rich or successful can be sweet boys.

So have Yoruba demons rebranded to be called Sweet boys? No, they haven’t.

Sweet boys are the grandfathers of Yoruba demons. Yoruba Demons are learners where you have sweet boys so ladies don’t be fooled.

They are the ones you will go to church to give testimony for, the ones your friends would be slightly jealous of, the ones you’ll be quick to introduce to your family, the ones you’ll lose your senses for and definitely the ones to break your heart in the worst way possible.

Anybody can be a Yoruba demon but not all can be a member of the Sweet Boy Association, when you meet one, you’re going to need extra prayers.

 

A SHADE OF LEKKI

Gbadero couldn’t wait to get out of the office as the weekend rush was about to hit. After many wasted hours in traffic along the Lekki perimeter, he knew the difference ten minutes later than sooner will make could cost him missing out in his Salsa class tonight.

This was his Friday evening fix given that his busy weeks didn’t give him time for his favorite pastime: dancing.

He had been attending this salsa class for about 4 months now and he loved every moment of it, especially the group dances. He wasn’t a bad dancer himself but so far, he hadn’t gelled with any partners. Every Friday was a dash of hope in the direction of positivity and although most of his pairings didn’t click, he had enjoyed the classes so far.

Dashing through the smooth sailing traffic, he could only hope that tonight would be great. He had missed last Fridays, thanks to a work training that went beyond forever. Time flew by briskly and he was already sitting in the dance studios lobby waiting to start.

The atmosphere tonight was bubbly with some new faces and some regulars. Being the introvertish type, he had his Instagram feed to keep him company till 7pm when things kicked off.

He overheard some girls, in a group behind him, teasing their friend about being an ‘SU’ and how she should try to loosen up. She was worrying about dancing so close to a stranger and her friends made good meat of her.

He smiled at their conversation as he could relate it with how his own shyness got in the way when he first got into these classes.

Before long, warmups had begun and he was having fun until the instructor, Chimaka, started pairing up people. Apparently, Chimaka knew a lot of people had settled into pairing up with the same partners week in week out and wanted to shake things up.

Gbadero was hoping it will be Janet from two weeks earlier as she was more experienced and a good teacher. He was already moving, stealthy, closer and closer her way hoping that Chimaka would pair them again.

Alas, Chimaka shouts out ‘Gbadero, please come this way’ as she walks towards this girl he had never seen before. ‘What’s your name again?’ She asked the new girl. ‘Shade’, she replied excitedly as Chimaka brought her closer to Gbadero.

‘Right, Shade this is Gbadero. He will be your partner today. He’s fairly new here too but good enough to help you’ Chimaka continued and joined their hands together.

Gbadero said a shy ‘hi’ and it wasn’t until after she replied that he remembers her to be the new girl being teased earlier.

“She isn’t that bad looking’ Gbadero thought to himself ‘but she’s an SU…. hmmmmm… wo make I just dance jare and catch my own trips’.

Shade was about 5’8 or so, with short braids, full-bodied, no make-up and smelled nice. She had a spark in her eyes and even though she wasn’t saying much, there was a playfulness to her that was infectious.

Gbadero braved up and after the next 5,6,7,8 asks ‘so what do you do?’. ‘I am a lawyer… actually, technically corporate law but more of oil and gas with a splash of international law… you?’. Gbadero replied ‘Not as ghen ghen as you o. I am just an IT guy…. technically, a Windows systems administrator and sometimes the guy everyone’s mum calls when they break their computer’. They both giggled.

‘So why Salsa?’ Shade asked ‘for a guy as big and cuddly as you are, why Salsa?.

‘So you don’t like big guys?’ Gbadero replied.

‘No, I don’t mean it like that. I was saying you don’t find a 6ft plus guy on the chubby side dancing salsa much these days…’ she continued.

‘Ol’ it!’ Gbadero responded as he spun her round ‘it’s all muscle o! You should see me when my clothes go off’.

‘How many girls have you told that lie to, Mr. Gbadero’ Shade asked ‘i bet they all fall for that line?’

‘Ermm, actually, I have other sweet lines but not this one. First time I am trying out this one and I think I’ve failed already’ Gbadero replied.

‘Well, not so quick. I would take you up on that and let me be the judge if it’s all muscle or otherwise’ she replied as they both giggled.

This was going better than Gbadero expected and the more they spoke as they danced, the more he saw the beauty in her. Well, there was obviously a problem. She was an SU and he wasn’t sure if she would be done for a good time. There’s another Friday and another after all, so why rush things he thought.

The classes came to an end. They hugged before they went both back to the changing rooms. Gbadero could still smell her fragrance as he changed his clothes. He could feel himself getting hard and he had to shake himself out of such dead-end thoughts.

Getting into his car, he picked up his phone to check messages and a thud on his window startled him. It was Shade.

‘Hey, Mr. Muscle! I know this may sound awkward but if you’re up for a drink, I don’t live too far away from here and you’re more than welcome to try my special cocktail. You could even show me that muscle if my cocktail passes’, Shade said.

Gbadero was confused. Yes he was single, yes he liked this girl, Yes it was better for him to hang out somewhere still around Lekki till about 10pm as it was just 830pm and traffic will still be tricky going to Mile 2 and Yes, he wanted to taste her cocktail but was she not supposed to be SU?

‘You live not far from here’ he replied incoherently. ‘Yes, about 5 minutes drive. You can follow my car – the blue Honda by the gate over there. Is that okay?’ Shade replied.

‘Sure! Let’s do this totally, Madame Barista!’ Gbadero continued. ‘I’ll be right after you’.

‘Oshey! Don’t get lost. By the way, I like the sound of Madame Barista’

Gbadero saluted as he rolled his windows back up. Wow, this night just gets better. Here’s a pretty girl asking him over. His mind race through all the permutations but then he didn’t have a condom on him and following after her car, he couldn’t buy one. Besides, she might not be down for sex so maybe he shouldn’t think that far.

Driving into her driveway, he was impressed with her condo. It wasn’t ostentatious but you could tell that whoever owns it had taste.

She hurried out of her call to his and helped Gbadero in.

‘Nice house’ Gbadero said ‘It must have cost you a fortune to put this together. I’m working towards moving to Lekki sometime soon too and this has spurred me on’.

‘Actually, it’s not that expensive but I was lucky as someone sold this to me out of desperation. They were relocating under short notice and needed a quick sale. So, there you go…. please have a seat and make yourself comfortable. I’ll be back in a jiffy’ Shade said as she disappeared upstairs.

Gbadero sat on one of the couches in the room. Many racy thoughts ran through his mind as he imagined what sex would be like with Shade. If she smelled as good as she’d been all evening, would she taste equally as good?.

His thoughts were interrupted with Shades footsteps down the stairs. She only had been gone for about 10mins but her return was unexpected. She was in a sheer red silk housecoat with her nipples pointing out.

She bypassed her bar and walked straight in Gbaderos direction with a strut that was super sexy.

‘Hey, Mr. Muscle. I figured I made life easier for you with showing off those muscles’, Shade said as she started untying the black rope around her red robe.

‘Wait! Aren’t we moving too quickly here? What happened to that drink you…’ Gbadero replied nervously. Shade had opened her robe and this made him lose his train of thoughts.

He saw her in her nude form and his lust heightened to the utmost level. He tried to get up but she pushed him right back.

‘Easy, Tiger, Easy. I promised you a drink, didn’t I? That first ‘ Shade continued, walking away to the bar and flicking her little red robe to reveal more of a rotund ass.

‘Fuck!’ Gbadero thought. This must be his lucky night in a few months of inactivity. The imagery of her full frontal – huge brown areolas and full breasts; her well-groomed bush; tiger marks around her firm athletic thighs and the birthmark around her curvy waist.

He could imagine her legs wrapped around him already. He wanted to taste her already and feel her pussy juices on his tongue. He had stiffened up now and didn’t know if it was appropriate to bring out his dick. He didn’t want to appear desperate or jump to conclusions. What if that was just an accident or a test? He adjusted himself back and reached for a small backrest nearby to conceal his excitement.

Shade was returning now with two drinks in hand. There was a mischievous smirk on her face as she handed the drink to Gbadero and sat beside him Budda style. She waited for him to sip on her cocktail with rapt attention.

‘What do you think?’ she asked ‘Expectation met’?

Gbadero looked at her dismissively and downed everything in one full sweep. ‘The proof is in the pudding… they say… I say the pudding went down smooth and well’ Gbadero replied to a smiling Shade who quickly copied Gbadero and downed hers too.

‘Now that that’s out of the way, it’s time to show me that muscle, Mr. Muscle’ Shade replied as she put her glass away.

‘No, no, no need to get up’, she continued as Gbadero was about to stand up. ‘You’ve been up all evening. Just take that shirt off and let me do the judging’ she continued as she stood and knelt in between his open legs.

Gbadero flung his shirt and singlet open faster than he normally would, excited about where all this could lead.

‘So what do you think Madame Barista’? he asked feeling all content with himself. ‘I gave myself away a bit after my last breakup two months ago but…’

Shade put her finger on his lips to hush him. ‘I’ve seen better muscles but I don’t mind tonight. I like you – that’s all that counts’ she replied ‘Has anyone told you before that you talk too much sometimes? Just relax and let me show you something that can inspire you to work on those muscles even better’.

She kissed his bare chest and sucked on his left nipple. She looked up to his face, as if to seek his approval, and started kissing him again. He tried to touch her face but she smacked his hand away and continued kissing his chest, rubbing her hands on his thighs. His phallus was bursting to be released from his jeans now.

She stopped again to make eye contact. ‘Do you want me to be a bad girl for you tonight Papi?’ she asked. Gbadero moaned out as he said the faintest yes. ‘Louder Papi’ she replied back to him and as he shouted more words and moaned sounds of affirmative surrender, she brought out his dick.

It was slightly curved with girth and veiny ridges. He was normally groomed with stubble around his pubic area and she started working her lips on his shaft, sucking his balls and performing magical fellatio.

Gbaderos entire body was electrified. Could this be real? This is one of the most beautiful and intelligent girls he had ever met in less than 3 hours of meeting her, she is already turning his world upside down without his trying too hard.

She had a special way of sucking on his dick that made it hard for him to focus on his thoughts and alas, just about three minutes into her intense blowjob, Gbadero cums with a fury all over her face and housecoat.

Apologetically, he tried to get up.

‘I’m so sorry. It’s about three months now’ he tried to explain. ‘I didn’t know where that came from and I am so embarrassed….’

She interrupted him again by placing her wet and messy finger on his lips.

‘it’s okay. I understand’ She replied and licked off all the semen from her face and clothing. ‘Now that you’ve messed up my body and cut my work short, I have to punish you’. She stood up to the side the couch, pushed Gbadero till his back was on the couch fully, pulled off his jeans and boxer and removed her robe.

It was such a glorious sight to Gbadero as he body swayed in the silhouette of the dim light above her. Her bosoms moved as though to music as she slowly climbed on top of him, sitting astride his bare chest.

‘Every Queen needs a throne Papi’ She continued. ‘Are you ready to make your face my throne?’ She asked to which Gbadero grabbed her by the thigh as though she was a child and sat her vagina on his face.

It was warm and wet. He let his tongue do the work as he circled her clitoris, making shapes around her labia and delighting her as her legs twitched, shook and moved haphazardly.

Her breathing became deeper and more intense as she also kept grabbing his head and pushing his face deeper into her. She was moaning more and with her free hand, found Gbaderos other hand to push onto her bum.

He squeezed her buttock hard, caressed it and continued to delight her as he worked his tongue. Time seemed to not matter anymore but Gbadero only realized how long he had been doing this for when his 10pm alarm went off from his phone, tucked away in his jeans.

Distracting a frenzied Shade for a moment, she turned around and pushed herself away to stand up from his face.

‘You’re hard again Papi, fuck me like you want to push me’ she continued as she grabbed a condom from her housecoat. She strapped him rapidly with one and leaned into the other chair with her ass pushed out.

Gbadero feeling all proud of himself for being able to get erect again pushed his entire shaft in slowly into her pussy. She sighed with a mix of pain and excitement as he pushed in.

‘Are you okay Baby’ he asked to gauge how much of himself he would have to give to her.

‘You talk too much man… let that dick do the talking. Shut up and fuck me hard’ She yelled back at him.

Gbadero didn’t disappoint. He thrust harder than he had ever done in his entire life. He would go in rhythms of 8-10 quick thrusts then slow down to 4-5 thrusts then go more again, caressing her back and manhandling her ass from time to time. The view was glorious as her butterfly spread right in front of him.

It was good that he had cum before as he was going to go until she begged him to stop.

As he was thinking these thoughts and feeling accomplished to the sounds of her moans, screams and incoherent verbiage, she pulled herself aside and said ‘sit, sit, sit on that couch over there – let me ride this dick’

Gbadero obliged quickly and she slowly sat on that dick pulling his head into her face so that he could look into her eyes as she mounted him. He gave a sigh of joy as she went all in again and she started grinding hard on his dick.

Gbadero loved it so much as it wasn’t much of a ride nor was it a grind. It was as though she was dancing to some undisclosed music in her mind.

His toes were curling as she sent cosmic energies all over his body; Her eyes were all rolled up as she yelled out vulgarities Gbadero didn’t expect to even come from her but he was loving every moment of it.

Suddenly, started screaming repeatedly ‘I’m cumming’. It was the sexiest sound Gbadero had heard in a long time and as she orgasm-ed wildly, with her arms wrapped tightly around Gbaderos neck and her body gyrating profusely, Gbadero felt himself cum in the condom too.

It was a beautiful experience followed by a moment of silence as she stayed in his embrace. She came up for air and kissed him so passionately, you could have assumed she would never see him again.

‘You were amazing’ Gbadero said as she stopped kissing him. ‘In fact, you are amazing. This has been the most amazing sex I’ve ever had in ages’ he continued.

She grabbed his face again starting into his eyes. ‘You weren’t bad too yourself Mr. Can I make you a drink again to reward you for taking me places I’ve not been in ages?’ she asked.

Gbadero obliged and she got up wiggling her ass as she cat-walked away from him to the bar.

‘Can I ask you something’ Gbadero asked.

‘Sure’ she replied from across the room.

‘Was it not you your friends called SU earlier today at the dance studio, Where did an SU learn your kinda tricks?’

‘like I said before, has anyone ever told you, you talk too much? better shut up before I come and deal with that preeeeq again’ she said bursting into a laugh.

‘You don’t have to go home tonight, if you don’t want. I live alone and you can start out in the morning’ she continued. ‘You could show me more things that this Papi can do to this pussy’ she said as she came out with another drink and grabbing herself thug style.

They both chuckle and the light went off. It was time to switch over her generator. She excused herself to go change and get her gate-man to change over.

Gbadero sat there wondering how his lucky stars must have aligned the right way tonight. He hadn’t had this much fun in a long time especially after being with Lola for five years to no fruitful end.

He was ready to do this again all night long and then the lights came back on.

‘It’s game on tonight’ he muttered under his breath as he started rubbing his dick again.

(Gbadero returns with more adventures).

 

WHAT IF?

It was a Sunday and I was visiting Wale. Sly, Scar, and Phantom (I just realized how like a band of pirates we must seem) were there too. I was slugging it out with Wale on FIFA 17 and he had me against the ropes – I was two goals down with less than thirty minutes to play. I didn’t want to relinquish my controller, and with it my title of champion, so I had to focus and figure out a way to counter his quick dribbling and long-range shots. “Guess who I ran into the other day?” Sly asked.

“Who?” Wale responded, and that gave me a break to counter. It was lightning quick with Ronaldo putting a side-footed effort past his goalkeeper.

Yes! 2-1.

“Ehen, so that’s your plan ehn? Distract me while Bobo scores,” Wale said. “Who was it, anyway?”

“You guys remember Siji?”

“Where did you see him? Dude has been M.I.A since he got married what, five years ago?” I asked.

“Ah,” Sly said with a look of surprise, “you didn’t hear that they’re no longer together?”

‘Wait, Siji that likes forming fitfam? The one with the beautiful wife and yellow daughter?” I asked, incredulous.

“The same one,” Sly confirmed. “It’s not news nau.”

I looked around to see the others bobbing their heads. “How did I not know this? You people have been hoarding gist, abi?”

“Shebi you moved to PH and freed your guys?” Scar said.

“Abeg shut up. Sly what happened?”

“Apparently she cheated on him…”

“So?” I asked.

“What do you mean ‘so’?”

“I mean I don’t get how it is almost expected for a guy to cheat, but a woman couldn’t. Like, the guys cheating who do they cheat with?”

“Well,” Scar said, “that’s the world we live in. Though in this case, maybe there was more.” We turned to Sly.

‘The way I heard it, dude didn’t even mind. How did he find out? She was in the bathroom and her phone rang a couple of times. My guy was taking her phone to her, that kain “your phone dey disturb my sleep’, and a message came in. You know all these iPhone things. He couldn’t believe his eyes. He sha asked her what was going on and he was willing to discuss it and see if they could work things out, but babe provoke. Cussed him out and mehn, it just got nasty. Long story short, they’ve been separated about two years now.”

“Oh wow,” I said. “This life is just one kain. What about their daughter?”

“She’s with the mom.”

“I don’t even know what to say.”

“Bobo,” Phantom said, “If you found out Cynthia was cheating on you what would you do?”

“You know what? I have never given this much thought, not because I kid myself that she loves me too much to cheat –though I hope that’s the case – but, because I understand that we’re human and people do stuff for reasons that make sense to them at the time.”

“Nah men, If Ronke cheats on me, she best have a damn good reason,” Sly said with feeling.

“What qualifies as a “damn good reason’?” Scar “And should she expect you to have same if you cheated on her?”

“Say ‘when’, not ‘if’.” Phantom joked.

“Guys, we’ve had this conversation before and I told her if she started feeling like things would go that way, she should talk with me about it. I am open to suggestions on how to spice things up, maybe even try a threesome…”

“Let me guess, another lady?” Phantom said.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” he replied.

“Ode.”

“I haven’t had this discussion with Cynthia, and maybe I should, but how though?” I wondered.

“Shebi you guys have an easy friendship? Slip it in one day.” Scar suggested.

“Hmmm, slip it in? I hear you.” I said with a wink and a nod.

“What is wrong with you? So spoilt. Gosh!”

“On the real though,” I said, “I would rather she was discreet and kept her secret. If, however, I found out, then we’ll have that conversation about what went wrong and how to fix it. If it’s a one-off or something that she needs on occasion so I know what I am dealing with.”

“I reckon if it’s purely physical, you can deal better. If she’s emotionally invested, guy just kiss the marriage goodbye – or you can have an open marriage type arrangement sha.” Scar said.

“And when are women not emotionally invested? Ordinary to off bra you will hear what are we doing?” Phantom said.

“Off bra? You’ve gone far sef. Just check up on her a couple times and then make the mistake of asking “you don chop?” and you’re in a relationship.”

“Oh well,” Wale sighed. “That’s life sha. I hope Siji’s doing okay?”

“Yea, he was actually looking well and he had a babe on his arm. I told him I’ll let him know the next time we’re having a BBQ.” Sly said.

“That’s cool.” Wale said, picking up his controller where he’d left it. “Ready to take what I have to give, babe?”

“Ugh! You’re the worst.”

PS: I drew the game in the 92nd minute, and won the game 2-4 after extra time #Champ.

THE PROBLEM WITH SEEKING PERFECTION

We all know that it is impossible to find something or someone perfect but somehow we all end up with these lists of what we may or may not want, without leaving room for mistakes. You can blame Hollywood or maybe Nollywood, but we cannot deny the fact that a lot of us have this warped idea of what our perfect spouse should be like and end up living in this bubble because we believe we can find the ‘one’… the perfect one.

For women, it is the man who is the ultimate provider, protector, and one who professes undying love from the top of the highest mountains. He has to be rolling in millions or maybe on his way there (fast), he must be a spiritual, financial and not to be left out, physical leader. He must love family (no mummy’s boys), treat everyone with respect, be romantic (Hollywood style), have no anger issues, must have attractive emotions (not too much) , must be great to look at, a GQ dresser, possibly be a member of the beard gang and must be ‘packing’ down below.

For men, it is the woman that has the brains of Michelle Obama, one who can be the first lady- the powerhouse but must come in the body of Kim Kardashian or maybe Beyonce. She must be a second mother but not treat him like a child, be opinionated yet subservient, she must be a great cook, prayer warrior, love kids, have controlled emotions, not dependent but not too independent and let’s not forget, she must know all the positions in the kama sutra.

They just have to be ‘perfect’

It is this quest for perfection that defines our dating society today. This contemporary dating game of jumping in and out of relationships so quickly without getting to know the person before we swipe left. One minute he’s everything you think you wanted until you realise he doesn’t send good morning texts and flowers “just because it’s Tuesday”, so you swipe left… or she’s your dream girl and more but doesn’t like to cook so, Next!

What we call dates are really interrogation sessions, searching for flaws, calling them ‘red flags’ without getting to know the person right in front of you. We ignore their history, we look at the now, walking around with mental checklists,  ticking the boxes we believe should be filled.

I am not saying you should settle, or take whatever is available, all I am saying is that the quest for the perfect one is a mission that will never be completed because there is no perfect person.

The problem with seeking perfection is that you remain single, waiting for an illusion to manifest and denying yourself the opportunity to really get to know people and possibly fall in love with who they truly are.

Love, relationships, and marriages are real, not perfect, that is, the ups, downs and everything in between. It is a never-ending process of uniting with someone who connects with you in every way including flaws.

Let’s step back from this fast-paced Hollywood idea of falling in love. No more Tinder-style relationships where you swipe left without deep thought, no more red flag hunting, no more jumping into beds only to jump out 2 days later, just good old conversation and understanding the people right in front of us.

If we all sought perfection, then no one would deserve to be given a chance, not even you.

im-not-perfect-youre-not-perfect-lets-be-imperfect-together-lovable-quote

WHAT ARE MARRIED MEN LOOKING FOR ON TINDER? – JYTE

I have been on tinder for about seven months. Scratch that. I was on tinder for about seven months. I had to give myself brain and leave before somebody’s wife will come and pour me acid ‘by mistake’.

We lived in Warri and it was almost the norm to hear stories of wives and girlfriends who would visit their men’s side chicks and pour acid on them.  So, I grew up with a healthy fear of having anything to do with any man who is in a committed relationship. That aside, my moral compass points solidly in the direction of faithfulness.

I joined Tinder
1. Because I was bored.
2. Because a close friend had been on my case to put myself out there more and
3. I wanted to write about it and had to do the research.

I had been on OkCupid for about two months, about three years ago, so I had no illusions whatsoever about how online dating worked in Nigeria. Plus, I knew Tinder had somehow become the ‘hook-up’ place. I thought I was ready.

When I first got on Tinder, my profile was something like this:

WhatsApp Image 2018-04-14 at 6.17.29 AM.jpeg

By the time I left, it was this:

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If I had stayed longer, I’d have added: MARRIED MEN PLEASE STAY THE FUCK AWAY, YOUR WIFE AND CHILDREN’S HEAD WILL CURSE YOU IF YOU AS MUCH AS SAY HI TO ME. YOUR FADA!

When I first joined, I quickly developed a system. I swiped left if you

  1. Looked like Shanowole.
  2. Were showing off money, a car, or the fact that you visited the abroad i.e positioned the photo such that white people showed in the background.
  3. Didn’t have a profile photo of yourself.
  4. Didn’t have a bio. Had a bio but spelt like a kindergartener. Had a bio but put some inspirational/Bible quote. Had a bio and referred to yourself as nice. Had the word “sapiosexual” in your bio. Had a bio but included the words ‘no hook-ups’. As if somebody offers you a hook-up you won’t accept. You just didn’t want to pay for it.
  5. Showed a dick print in any of your photos or had a nude photo. I don’t have ‘pay for sex’ money.
  6. Were white or light-skinned. (I broke this once and swiped right on a white guy. We matched and three lines into the chat he was basically saying “do something to entertain me”. Because I look like a circus monkey, abi?
  7. Had photos of your wife and children. Had photos of your goods and services, and I mean legit stuff like shoes, bags, Brazilian hair, etc.
  8. Looked like stress.

Towards the end, I decided to throw my list away and swipe right for everyone –except white men. I wanted to have an idea of the people who were swiping right for me and why. I did this for two weeks and I got some pretty good intel. Apparently, l look homely, like a good girl, which was funny because 85% of the guys just wanted to hook-up.  The other 15% were good for the conversation and got my Telegram handle. I was wary of giving out my number because I had a stalkerish experience in my first month on the app.

Then there were the married men. It’s one thing to have had Tinder when you were single and then you forgot to delete your account after you got married and it’s just lying fallow, and another to be actively using the app. Married people cheat. It is a fact of life I was introduced to as a 14-year-old and Papa Bayo asked me to be his girlfriend because “a man cannot be eating only egusi soup every day.”

What never ceases to surprise me is the level of impunity. You’re doing something disgraceful and utterly scummy and you don’t care who knows. Tinder is used by people all over the world. Do the visuals not bother you? The blatant disrespect to your spouse. To someone you very likely made a vow of fidelity to, does it not bother you? Open marriages – a concept I do not buy into at all – exist. I’m not talking about those. I’m talking about guys who will obviously try to make sure their wives don’t find out they’re talking to another woman.  And the funniest thing is they will still add “not here for hook-ups” in their bio. Is this not stupidity of the highest order?

I know the answer to my question. I am not that naïve, but it makes me sad that this is the marriage that society keeps pressuring single people to jump into. Thank God there are couples who are doing the right thing and showing that it is not all bad. Chukwu gozie unu.

Within two days of chatting with a guy, I asked if he was married or in a relationship. Most of them admitted up front. And I unmatched immediately. In one case I was less vigilant and didn’t get a clear response because said person was a Catholic like me, easy to talk to and good looking in a Brother Chinonso way. Funny enough, and I told him, he had a married air about him. We had lunch and I remembered that due diligence hadn’t been done. So, I asked if he was married and he said he was. Hay God! I mentally clutched my breast. This is how bad thing used to happen to somebody. What if he had been gaslighting his wife and she decided to follow him that day? Is that how I would have been caught in the crossfire? Innocent me.

I closed that road. Fast. I am not interested in being friends. Na from clap dance dey start. It’s so easy to say, “We’re just talking and hanging out,” and next thing you’re doing emotional and physical kerewa with somebody’s spouse.

If you’re thinking of joining Tinder, I have one advice. Keep an open mind. There are a lot of idiots out there, people that don’t have sense at all. But amid all that are people like you who are looking for a little bit of human connection away from their everyday lives. If you’re lucky, you’ll find them.

Watch out for my upcoming single: Can’t we just be friends? Coming soon.

HOW NOT TO BE TREATED AS ONE OF THE GUYS (as advised by men)

Men and women can be friends, as a matter of fact, I like that I have the ability to be friends with guys and girls at the same time. I guess growing up as a tomboy and having mostly male cousins around me taught me how to get along with guys, understand guy jokes, being free with them e.t.c.

Thing is, being so ‘cool’ with male gender brings the problem of being treated as one of the ‘guys’. Just imagine, you meet someone, you like him, you’re getting to know him, before long you’re either talking about cars and video games and next thing you might be the one he’ll be asking for a hook up with some chic or asking you for advice on another chic he likes.
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Let’s face it, no one wants to be friend zoned or worse still, sister-zoned and this is an unfortunate occurrence that happens a lot to women. I, personally know how many good guys I have met that have either friend zoned, sister zoned or mother zoned me in the last how many years of my life (worse now that I am a single mother).

So I decided to ask the guys of the #SIGNATION, what a sister had to do to NOT be treated as one of the guys, and here is what they had to say.

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  • Be yourself – Truth is guys will see you whichever way their brain interprets it and to try to change who you are in any way would mean being untrue to yourself.  Guys see through that in a heartbeat and are turned off by it so don’t change who you are for anything.
  • Say what you want – Be clear about what you’re about and what you want with the guy in question. I know in our society, it could be mistaken as being forward or desperate but that’s the risk you must be willing to take or you will be zoned out.
  • If you end up in an FWB situation, refer to #2 – Being stuck in an FWB (friends with benefit) situation is worse than being friend zoned. Having sex with your crush complicates things further because you most likely start acting like the girlfriend without the ‘commitment’ until they find someone else and then tell you they’d have to let you go. If you ever end up here (because sometimes our bodies can do anyhow) make sure to refer to #2 above and if the person is not on the same page with you, then please walk away.
  • Have Solo hangouts – If you notice that he only hangs out with you in groups, especially with his other guy friends, then you need to come out of that by cutting off group hangouts. Invite him for a dinner or a play or stuff that couples would do and if he’s smart enough, he’ll get the hint before long, if not, then my sister I don’t know again.
  • Avoid taking charge ALL the time – If you have an independent mind like me, you’ll occasionally want to take charge of a situation. The guys advice against as it makes guys either awkward or they will see you as ‘one of the guys’. Their advice is to allow them to do things and if you want to take charge, do it subtly through suggestions. A man wants to still feel like a man around any woman.
  • Don’t be the mother – You might have to turn down your nurturing personality around the guys. He is an adult, so resist the urge to fuss over the guy. Even guys with mom fetishes don’t want the fussy mothers, they want the hot MILF. It’s okay to take care of people and actually be in charge but with a potential “him” you need to be his baby.

And that’s it from the men in the group!. Now you tell me, do you agree or disagree? Have you been treated as one of the guys by your crush and somehow got to date/marry him? Use the comment box below and let’s hear your thoughts.

THE BREAKUP CHECKLIST

A few weeks ago, I was invited to the EbonyLife TV Moments’ roundtable, Girls Talk, to share my thoughts on having a checklist after a breakup.

Watch and let me know what you think

So what do you think?

What are the right steps to take after a breakup?

Should every woman have a checklist to consider before moving onto the next relationship after a breakup?

Use the comment box below, let’s discuss

 

 

INSTINCTS

“Guys, you wouldn’t believe what happened to me at work last week.”

I was in the middle of a match with Phantom. We were at my place – Cynthia was having a girls’ day out with her friends. I told the boys about Rosemary and, in typical fashion, they dove in.

“I need to understand something first Bobo,” Wole had a hand raised. “What impression have you given to those people in Port Harcourt that somebody will bring meat for you to watch? My mother will say ‘what kind of play is a dog playing with a tiger?’”

“Fam, I’ve been wondering the same thing.” Phantom roared with laughter, setting everybody off.

“So, what exactly happened after?” Sly wanted to know.

“Well, she’s been out of school for a bit but has never worked. She got a job once with an Oil servicing company but, because it would take her out of town, her boyfriend told her not to take it.”

“Wait, she has a boyfriend?” Sly asked.

“That’s not the important thing here…”

“It is o.” Sly and Wole chorused.

“…The important question should be how a boyfriend who did not pay your school fees and hasn’t put a ring on it will ask you to pass up a job and you will do so.” I finished.

“There’s that,” Wole said. “What has the boyfriend done to help her land a job then? Or is the Ibinabo guy the boyfriend?”

“He’s not o… Oh crap!”

Phantom had scored.

“No more talking, for now, let me set this guy straight.” I leaned forward in my seat.

“You still haven’t told us if you gave her a job,” Sly said.

“Or if you got one yourself.” Scar laughed.

“You guys know I’m married ba?”

“Married shmarried.” Wole said. “A leopard doesn’t change his spots, I know this.”

“There’s actually an opening for a receptionist, and I think Ibinabo knew this. I’ve asked her to apply, and there’s an interview scheduled for her and five others next week.” I said.

“I hope she gets the job,” Scar said and they all burst into laughter again.

***

“I hope she doesn’t get the job.”

Cynthia and I were catching up on Scandal, the series. She was sitting on the couch, her feet propped up on a stool while I was lying on the floor with my head resting on a throw pillow. I told her about this girl a colleague brought in to see me at work, and how she passed up a fantastic job opportunity because of her boyfriend and now, five years later, she had zero work experience and was looking for work.

“What about the boyfriend?” She asked.

“He’s still there, not committing to anything but not letting her go.” I said.

“Did he put her through school?” She asked. “I mean, what does he have on her? Do they have a child together?”

“I kuku asked these questions o. Nothing. She met him during her service year and he wooed her with big gestures. She loves him and I think he has convinced her she can’t do better than him.” I said. “I feel for her.”

My brain engaged only after that last part slipped out. I hoped Cynthia didn’t hear it, but the brief silence that followed convinced me she did.

“I told her to apply for that receptionist position that would become open at the end of the month, if only for the interview experience.”

Cynthia’s voice low, but not too low that I didn’t hear. She wanted me to hear it.

“Babe, everything okay?” I turned onto my stomach so I could look up to her.

“See Bobo, I know your heart is in the right place and your instinct is to do right…”

I hope you can’t read minds.

“…but you do this thing where you want to save everybody. You seem to look for, or attract the broken – I don’t know which. You will want to help them, fix them but you can’t be there for everybody. I have seen this need to help take its toll, seen people take advantage of your kindness. They will take and take till you have nothing to give, and they will take some more and then they will leave. And those are the nice ones. By the same token women are drawn to you and, you may not see but I see, in time they want more. More than you cannot give, and this is when you become the enemy. I can name at least three people that we both know who do not talk to you anymore.

“So while I would not wish that someone who qualifies for a job doesn’t get taken, I hope she doesn’t get the job.”

Wow.

“Oh wow. That’s quite a stretch, don’t you think?”

“I don’t like it when you do this,” she said with feeling.

“What?” I tried to feign ignorance.

“This thing you do where you take serious issues and make them either into a joke, or make it seem like I’m blowing things out of proportion.”

“I’m sorry,’ I said in a conciliatory tone. “I will not get involved with her interview or whatever, and I’ll watch myself where it concerns her.”

“You’re a good man, babe. I love you.”

I sure am glad you can’t read minds.

“I love you too,” I said and sat up to massage her feet.