HOW DO YOU FIGHT?

The older I get, the more I understand  what it means to say  “love is not enough”. Recently Mr. C has been having stupidity remorse and trying to talk about why we didn’t work out and if there was a possibility of reconciliation. I keep telling him I am in love and happy and the man won’t leave me alone.

Apparently, Hausa men have egos bigger than the whole of Africa and feel too entitled. Anyways, I have gone past that and these days, I really just want the best for him, I want him to be happy and I want him to be OK with the fact that we will never be together!

One day, I had this crazy period pain and was on bed rest the whole weekend and was bored enough to have accepted Mr. C ‘s offer to talk about a relationship that ended since 2015.  He wanted to know why I couldn’t work it out if I really loved him. It was so interesting to revisit certain things and talk about it from a very detached perspective. I swear I believe everyone should sometimes reach out to their exes and talk about why they didn’t work out, however, only do this when you are healed and have no vested interest.

Let’s face it, with the way our generation is, statistically speaking, relationships are more likely to break up than to stay together. All you need to do is scan your relationship history to find evidence of this.

The reasons relationships fail are as varied as because of the fact that we humans very different and complex. The truth is, while every ending has its own unique story, relationship breakups fall into anyone and sometimes more of these documented categories:

  • Trust issues
  • Dishonesty/Deception/Cheating
  • Communication issues
  • Differences in relationship expectations
  • Differences in life priorities
  • Inability of one or both partners to manage their emotions
  • Differences in values.

That said, there is no one indicator that can predict, with amazing accuracy why relationships end, there is no one size fits all and sometimes typical pontifications do not apply. However, here is why I think most relationships end, it has to do with how you fight.

Fight in this post has to do with arguments not throwing punches. That one you do not need to learn, if anyone punches you, pack your bags and be going…mbok.

As I was saying, this assumption is based on the fact that all relationships have conflicts. I’m usually surprised that people are not prepared for fights and conflicts in their relationships and are even more surprised when they are uncomfortable with the fight cool-off stage.  Personally, I always take out time to cool down before going back to ‘normal’. Which brings me to this note

PSA – it is not okay to fight and act like nothing happened afterward. It is vicious and it is a form of emotional abuse. As a normal person, you must take the time to cool off, talk about it before moving on.

Every relationship has conflict. Which makes knowing how to have a fight the most important relationship skill you’ll ever acquire—Or…the most expensive skill you’ll choose not to learn. Relationship expert John Gottman, says he can predict whether a marriage will end in divorce with 94 percent accuracy based on how the couple fight. And engaging in this one behavior turns out to be the strongest indicator of divorce—which is a lot more expensive than learning relationship skills.  So, without further delay here you go:

The number one predictor of whether your relationship is headed for a cliff boils down to whether or not either you or your partner treats the other with contempt when they drive you crazy and they deserve to be treated like that.

You know the disdain you feel when someone who should know better lets you down. It’s when you feel as though you’re better than your partner (presuming it’s you who engages in it, and for the simplicity of writing this). It’s an energy of repulsion that arises from within you during fights. Maybe that disgust causes you to scream so loudly that the neighbors can hear – or maybe it seeps from your pores as you glare silently at your partner during a conflict. It can also look more benign like eye-rolling or an unwillingness to validate your partner’s feelings or choosing to punish them just because they have hurt you.

I know, I know. We’ve all felt and done it. The difference is some of us, even though we know love shouldn’t be anything but kind, choose to express our anger in a manner that will pierce our partner’s soul and hurt them. These days we are so selfish that relationships have become a competition of who can hurt the other person the most.  I know that contempt isn’t a functional emotion for relationships but it is a real emotion that we all feel when the person we love drives us crazy. It presupposes that the person experiencing it is better than the other, but how we handle this contempt in times of high intensity determines whether or not our relationships will go the distance.

It is important that we all learn to handle fights in any form of relationship especially an intimate one. What are you saying? What is your partner saying? but most of all what have you learned from the supposed fight about yourself, your partner or the situation. There is nothing more frustrating than to fight over and over about the same thing before you know it, it becomes a vicious and abusive relationship.

Speaking of which, have you noticed the increasing trend of people walking out of bad, unhealthy and abusive relationships? Well, only Jesus Christ died to redeem human beings.  If you have a bad attitude fix it, if you are in “meanest son or daughter of a bit$h competition” with the devil, take your wickedness to the cross and crucify it there. Stop expecting people to put up with you in the name of love.

That’s it from me, what do you think? how have you been able to resolve conflict in your relationship? has your way of fighting cost you a good friendship/relationship in the past? Let’s talk about it 

Love,

Imarose

ON COWS AND MILKSHAKES

We all know our milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
The question is, will we give the milk for free or make them buy the cow?

It’s a difficult question, particularly for those of us on the journey to marriage. By the way, I was having a conversation with someone over the weekend that just made me realize that, this whole idea of “I am single and satisfied and don’t need a man is the reason why a lot of women in Lagos are secretly crying themselves to sleep”.

This person was of the opinion that, you should never act like you need a man and it left me wondering, how is a man going to be attracted to a woman he doesn’t feel likes him back?. I am not talking about being desperate and needy, or guys, if a woman gave you red lights will you proceed and continue chasing her so you can win her, regardless of the vibes she gave you?

See, there are no guarantees in life, but in the journey to finding or making your soul mate, this is even truer. If you are guarded you have no space in your life for any healthy person to come in. I know some people say if you love me, you will tear down my walls, but aint nobody got time for that, in my head, healthy relationships are made up of two healthy and vulnerable individuals and not people seeking a saviour to tear down their defence mechanisms.

Anyways, sorry for my scatter-brain, back to milkshakes.

To this person, a vibrator and friends with benefits were the cure to playing the mind-games dating. Yes, we all have needs but when do we cross the line? Vibrators cannot touch you, and that friend with benefit thing is not for everyone, someone like me will mess up and catch feelings, so I cannot even try to play myself like that. Feelings will certainly develop and complicate things, or worse still, the farmer (guy) gets so used to the idea of “this” exotic milkshake that he doesn’t bother buying the cow because the cow is giving away free milk, so why commit?

My last relationship taught me, not that I didn’t always know this, that men are logical not emotional, that’s why in an intense environment, a man will struggle to understand what a woman is saying even though it’s glaring and makes sense why the guy should stop talking to the ex.

Guys have you ever been having a logical argument with a woman and she gets frustrated and starts crying and suddenly you are confused as to what all this was about in the first place and start to be beg her just because you cannot handle the intensity of her emotions”?

For a man, it has to make sense, for a woman it has to feel right.

These situations get so complicated. You start out having fun then you develop feelings or it lasts longer than it should and becomes an in between “not friends, not relationship” kind of thing.

Sometimes, it’s hard to resist a charming farmer and let him taste the milk for free.  But really, it should be just a taste, a preview of what he will get when he buys the cow AND it shouldn’t be right away. If a man feels like he can get away with just anything, he will do just that. A while ago I was talking to a man about something that happened to my friend and he was like “I know you wouldn’t be dramatic you are kind and soft-spoken, and I was like try me and see, I certainly won’t become dramatic, but I will leave your ass, it will shock you”. Men understand strong languages, and that language is not drama but rather setting up boundaries and implementing the consequences when it gets abused.

Mr. October, tried me like that, he clearly didn’t tell his ex that he had a new life so she kept hope alive. And when I had enough, we had an adult conversation where I told him I was excusing myself for him to sort his life out without demanding that he cut his ex off. He actually didn’t think I was serious that he even asked if I was really leaving him; and I thought ‘see this one oh because clearly he had been dealing with women that would cry and beg but not ImaRose. Truth is, I do like Mr October and if I am still available and interested after he has cleaned up his mess then no problem but if not then it was never meant to be.

What I’m trying to say is if you keep giving men benefits of a committed relationship when all your requirements are not met, he will never meet them. I’m not talking marriage, just being in a public committed relationship not some secret affair.

And what if he doesn’t want to make the purchase? Well then you would have saved yourself the heartache because he wasn’t worth your time and someone else more deserving will come along who fully deserves your yummy milkshake!

I’ll finish by saying “For all those men who keep husband benefits of women they clearly know they will never marry and they say “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” here’s an update for you. Nowadays many women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!” ~attributed to Andy Rooney

 

ImaRose

WHY GO BACK?

I just re-read an article on Psychology-Today after I saw on Facebook that an acquaintance, let’s call her Cherrypie has gotten back with a crazy toxic guy (her words not mine) she bad-mouthed a few years back. The backstory is that this dude had added me on Facebook and we became chatty, not long I realised there was something off about him so I slowed things down until one day, Cherrypie sends me a message on Facebook warning me about how crazy he was and even sent me screenshots of messages he had been sending to her saying that I was his new ‘catch’ and I was in love with him and I was giving him money. Me? Give man money? I will just stop there. When bros realised that his cover had been blown by Cherrypie, he disappeared, blocked me on all medium and turned to sending emails to insult me. Let’s just say I thanked my God and thanked Cherrypie and we became ‘friends’.

By the way, in case you missed out on the biggest social media drama of last weekend starring one of the most hated females in Nigeria, Linda Ikeji and starboy Wizkid. Here is a recap. So Linda wrote this post as a confirmed insider gist that Wizkid spends a lot and lives a fake life and was currently almost broke and had gotten quick-notice on his Lekki home, bla-bla-bla. Wizkid went straight up Chris Brown on her and said things that I know if I write the Holy Ghost Sister Gidi will edit from the post, anywhere, here is a link to the story .

What I found funny about Linda’s response is how many people actually really hate Linda and the amount of guys she has been running things with yet has been single since 19-kokoro. I mean the consistence of the name dropping of Linda’s supposed bedmates was funny. Linda should not have bothered to trade words with Wizkid, he is young and was ready to drag her to his age-level and play dirty like he did. But the double standards of Wizkid’s attack sha; a man who has so far impregnated two women and wifying none is shaming a 37-year-old woman about being single and unmarried. Let me stop here before Mz Gidi bans me from writing mbok

Back to the story, supposedly Cherrypie dated this dude for a very short time, the relationship was extremely volatile, they fought very dirty, calling each other names and displaying extreme wickedness, at a point when she was telling me about her experience with this guy, you would think she was describing a devil. She told me how once, they were fighting in the car and she kept shouting and hitting him, he spat on her, stopped the car, came out of driver’s seat to the passenger seat and dragged her out of the car.

According to Cherrypie, her boy left her on third mainland bridge without her purse and shoes on sef. You know how we women remove out shoes when in the car? He dragged her out without her shoes on and said she wasn’t even aware of what was happening until she stood there watch him drive off. Yes that bad.

So after three weeks of a hellish relationship and less than a year part…Cherrypie and this guy are now back together… which makes me wonder what manner of desperation would make her go back to this man that she claimed was toxic, crazy that she feared for her own life.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not against getting back with an ex, infact I think the familiarity and the fact that you already know each other to a certain extent makes it very easy a trap to fall into. But for me, I believe, any relationship that didn’t involve abuse of any kind is redeemable.

As for Cherrypie, I really worry for her sanity and I pray she knows what she is doing. What am I saying? She doesn’t know what she is doing but wetin be my own for the matter.

I have been in an abusive relationship, I know what it feels like to be trapped in that pattern, but for all the tea in China, I will never get back with ANY of my exs. Even if humanity depended on our procreation, I’d go to San Francisco and make designer babies.

Ladies we need to put our sanity first before any relationship or man.

Imarose

TWO FOR ONE

I once told Miss Gidi that if I lived abroad, I would register on prominent dating sites and maybe hire a matchmaker because let’s be honest, in this 2016, being online has made it a lot easier to meet people. Recently, my friend joined Tinder (that seems to be the new thing in Lagos now) against my opinions because  I had always imagined that Tinder was for people who just wanted to have sex, so they swipe left and right looking for the perfect shag. I mean with the number of married expatriates that are constantly finding cheap whores on Tinder what is one supposed to believe.

Contrary to my belief though, one of my other friends, met a guy about 9 months ago and today they are almost married (I hope I don’t jinz it sha). So out of curiosity, I registered on Tinder to see how it works. But Nigerian men sha (story for another post), much to my amazement I saw a lot of married men I knew, some married celebrities sef. It’s harder to weed the wheat from the tares but to be honest, Tinder is not such a bad idea if you are interested in going on dates at least once a week which expands your horizon.

Remind me that I have a tinder date gist I have for you ..back to my story

So what happens if you happen to like more than one person in the process? Yes and No depending on your definition of dating and whether or not sex is involved.  E-harmony  recently published an article about how to date more than one person at a time. In Nigeria, multiple dating is a more of a game of who will propose first for the women, and for the men whose back they can jump on to live the good life.  

My friend RedVelvet (RV) was telling me about her friend who got proposed to by two guys last month now she is torn on who she should marry, although she said yes to both guys. The interesting part of this story is that, the guy that she really likes, hasn’t proposed but since she is 31, she decided to take matters into her own hands, if you were her what will you do?. So the babe was giving RV tips on how to have men rushing to propose, no it’s not what you think, Let’s go back to the beginning of this gist.

RV’s friend was dating her ex in Unilag for 6 years, struggling with the guy and all, only for the guy to dump her for a babe he just met and married the babe sharply. So RV’s friend, let’s call her Koko, decided that she was out to  

  1. show the guy that it was his loss by marrying a better man, and
  2. out play men at their own silly games.

Her theory was, date as many guys as possible, have sex with them, and mark the ones you see great potentials in and be dismissive of the others. It worked for a few of her friends so why not her.

Basically, Koko would call these guys when she feels like dinner or whatever is date-like, go back to hers, have sex and as soon as she is done, ask them to leave. In this case her potentials were the two guys who proposed last month, she did this for five months. While doing this, her friend told her about Mama Dolphin who is apparently an elderly woman who lives in Dolphin Estate that has done juju for many Lagos big girls to catch their mugus, I mean husbands. Mama Dolphin would do “prayers” like they call it for her with candles and incense with the guy’s picture and under garment, for the guy she really wants to propose, while her causal treatment of the other two guys continued intermittently.

I have seen them together,  Koko is a very aggressive chick and the man she wants is so calm, I always wonder what he is doing with her. According to RV who is Koko’s roommate, for their house, odd hours no be odd hours, Koko stays shuffling her bed-mates and never allows them sleep over until morning, even if it’s 3am she asks them to leave, immediately after sex. One of those days I saw them together, Koko was having a fight with one of their house domestic staff and the object of her affection happened to be there and said “why are you so aggressive? how do you expect a man to marry you like this”? In my mind I was like, this guy will never marry her but let’s see what Mama Dolphin can do, if it worked for other instagram celebrities flaunting their husband’s wealth on the gram,  it just might work for Koko.

On Valentine’s day, Koko scheduled dates with her two baes because the object of her affection was not in town. Surprisingly, both of the guys proposed to her in public and she couldn’t say no, now Koko reshuffles engagement rings and is in desperate need of an intervention on how to handle the situation. I heard her friend that it worked for, changed her numbers and even deactivated her Facebook profile under the pretence of a ‘hack’ so maybe Koko will do the same.

Babes let’s be honest, if it were you in this situation, what would you do? A woman treats two men anyhow like they are nothing and they both propose to her? While Imarose is here writing about her manless life because people think she is too soft.

Na wa o

 
ImaRose

PUMP YOUR BRAKES

Yes I am still alive; I have just been caught up in middle of so much going on. Let’s gist jare!

Often times, we approach dating with so much expectations and idealisms that we never think about what happens when reality sets in. Maybe it is due to our constant search for that soul mate we assume that not paying attention to what is or isn’t happening in the process will still get us to destination, marriage. For the majority on this journey to marriage, anyhow is a how, as long as we achieve that goal and our friends post our engagement shots on their Instagram.

What is best for us, more often than not is a different route entirely. It is pumping the brakes and slowing down, it is saying to that man or woman you want so badly, I really want to be with you but not under these circumstances. It is doing what feels right and organic at a crossroad.

From my understanding, which of course is not a fact, just my opinion, the hardest part for a man to navigate, is from the time he is addicted to you to how to translate the relationship to being exclusive. But many times, this is when us women make the greatest mistake and assume just because he is coming on so strong then it must mean he has given it proper thoughts on how to move things forward.

So we close our eyes in the fool’s paradise and forget about our own needs and want. We assume that saying what you want and what you can and cannot tolerate means you are desperate. The way I look at it, is that you can either ask for what you want or waste your own time; asking for what you want doesn’t mean you are going to get it, it just means you have laid your cards on the table.

I know you are wondering what I am on about, let me explain.

So I have this friend, let’s call her RedVelvet. RedVelvet, met this great guy recently, the sparks flew everywhere, the chemistry was insanely strong, plus he is great guy, loving, caring, attentive, calls and texts a little too much. He would call as soon as he woke up in the morning and tell her about everything during the day, falls asleep talking to her and spends every free time he can find with RedVelvet. It was very obvious the guy had very strong feelings for her, and despite my advice to define the relationship quickly; she wanted to wait a bit and see how all of it would unfold. Perhaps because she had been disappointed so much, she always expected him to disappoint her.

After a short break of clearing their heads, RedVelvet and her new boo decided to make it official. Until one day she noticed his ex called him a little bit too much. Initially she said she had nothing to worry about because they were actually very open with each other and he always answered his calls in front of her, she had access to his phone (he gave it to her).

On this day, at about 2am, he didn’t answer the call from the ex and it bothered RedVelvet for days. Her first reaction was to talk to him about it, which she did but the conversation didn’t go very well because it was full of anger and blame throwing. She knew she overreacted so she apologised for her behaviour and he apologised for bringing her into his life when he had not sorted his situation with the ex.

See, I have been in this position before with an ex, but because I was too afraid that he will get upset or perceive me as needy. I ignored and sacrificed my feelings in the quest to find the love that never was there. Eventually my ex told me, I practically forced him into the relationship as I didn’t allow him figure it out for himself. That taught me a great lesson, most men need to know for themselves away from you that you are the one, because if he doesn’t, something in him will always question whether or not you were his choice or you imposed yourself on him.

In the end RedVelvet stepped aside for this new love, no matter how great he was to sort out his issues and be 100% certain before bringing her back in. Let’s be honest not a lot of women are brave enough to do that, well not a lot of Lagos women I mean.

So ladies be brave in your decision-making. If you are in a healthy place and looking for love, by all means keep looking, but be open to him if he comes around and you still haven’t met anyone that gets you like him. But never be afraid to pump the brakes if it doesn’t look right, eventually that is the only real way to get what you want without manipulation.

Until next time

Love,

ImaRose

THE DEMONS AND THE FRIEND

I am starting 2016 over again today because January was a 31 days free trial, so it is only fair.

But January sha! January has been quite an entertaining month for world in general, and particularly more fun for the federal republic of social media drama; the Nigerian chapter. From Olamide and Don-Jazzy sharing Lagos into mainland and Island to, Donald Trump disgraceful rants, Will Smith’s wife Oscar snubbing meltdown to Ice Prince and his bae that has a bae, #WasteHisTime2016, Kanye, Wiz and Amber Rose to the most recent face of the Yoruba demons; the muffins being asked to leave a wedding.

I know what you are thinking “Imarose cannot spell Yoruba names but no darlings; I just couldn’t be bothered with grown ass men who keep referring to their grandfather’s legacy in Ondo state who used to associate with the great Awolowo. Those kids are tripping!

Sorry but not sorry, I can’t take such men seriously, like how are you going to be Instagram rich and cannot pinpoint what you do for a living. To add insult unto injury, be giving relationship nuggets to women and straight up went crazy cursing out a lady on social media.

If you didn’t hear about the Gbemi’s innocent sub of two socialite brothers in Lagos that hustle invites to prominent events and high society weddings in Lagos, then you need to be fined. But just in-case you are the only Jew in Jerusalem, let me narrate the story.

So Gbemi who is actually about the only radio presenter I actually really like; mostly because she is not into that acquired accent of a thing.  The beats FM presenter tweeted a sub and the owners of the subs (muffin brothers) quickly came out and caught their subs. Yes I didn’t misspell their name, I just couldn’t be bother to waste my alphabet on those sorry excuse of men, aint nobody have time for the muffins.

But nobody would have prepared the social media republic for what the muffins did next. Next thing I know, someone called me from London by 11pm to go on twitter that some insane “boys” whose only relevance in life is the history of their grandfather who nobody knows about or care were disgracing themselves on social media.

As a gist lover, sleep cleared. Oh the things I read, those men who are well over their 30s wrote made my heart ache for Gbemi. I couldn’t believe, a man in 2016 could say such things about a woman, so publicly. After they calmed down, they offered a very wet-apology not to Gbemi but to the ‘public’, and to think one of these grown boys  happens to be married made me feel sorry for the supposed wife.

What I liked about the whole thing was Gbemi ignoring their stupidity. Social media republic’s capital Twitter-sphere were busy debating whether or not the muffins will actually still go to the wedding after all the drama. Lo and behold, these boys actually went to the wedding, decked in their 20 yards of Yoruba demon uniform, with their own personal mopol, only to get there and were asked to leave, cheiiiiii, what can they do to redeem themselves here?..well at least their Instagram profiles are now private.

It was good to know that a fellow woman can look out for her friend when faced with such madness. I know how one former friend threw me under the bus because of her boyfriend’s friend who was rude and insulting to me. So shout out to Mrs Demuren and also to the families for not tolerating nonsense at such a joyous occasion.

Any friend, boyfriend or husband who allows others to make fun of, insult or mock their boo’s friends needs to learn from #TSquared2016.

Friendship is not by mouth, it is by respect for other people’s pain and standing up for what is right.

After all that drama in January, I’m curious to know what February has for a single girl in this Lagos… #BaeforValentine2016

Imarose

GOING NOWHERE FAST

My people, my people, busy cannot even begin to describe my schedule lately. Forget that entire thing some people will tell you about transitioning from a 7am to whenever the boss feels you can close story, this thing is not for the faint hearted.

ImaRose is officially an independent development project consultant and now runs around like a headless-chicken in rural slums overseeing small government projects, fundraising and also providing non-profit solutions. I have mentally written so many posts I never actually got a chance to write, but this week; let’s talk about something very current and personal to my dating career.

Remember the 6-hour meeting guy? He has been around long enough and is a super potential, so I have decided that he is my “October” since all the letter guys never seem to stick around long enough.

So, my October (knock on wood), I don’t know if it is too early to say this but October is the kindest man I have ever met, he is so kind sometimes it annoys me, like when his “friend” who is not familiar with Lagos called him at 2am and he was on the phone to me, looking for directions on how to get to mile-12 to pick her as her car got bad and she was surrounded by area-boys. I am not even a jealous person but I was still touchy about it even though he was on the phone to me the whole time, it sha ticked me off, I won’t lie. The next day after church, he invited same friend over to have lunch with us as I am sure he noticed I wasn’t cool with the arrangement, babe came with her boyfriend. Surprisingly, we are not official yet, nor have we crossed that line, but October gets me, or should I say he knows how to get me.

October is an “I just got back” so he is constantly looking for new places to try out. I feel like I have added weight as we have nearly sampled every nice food places in Lagos, the other day I talked about going to have pancakes at this popular joint in Lekki before work (okay Miss Gidi told me about it), October was like “I need a juju man to help me stay away from you because you are making me fat… then adds, I couldn’t stay away from you even if I tried, what have you done to me?”.

The longest he hasn’t called is a day interval, and he sees me at least three times a week. Recently, he went for an out-of-town wedding and was running from the airport to pick me from a wedding so we can go and have sushi, and chill as he had a busy week ahead (in my mind I was like, now here is a man who walks his talk).

He knows I love Baileys, so he brings me Baileys all the time, on account of I am not strong enough to handle with his vodka and spirit. We talk about everything, no topic is off-limits. What I like the most about October is the friendship; sometimes I forget, it is barely three months we have known each other and it feels like years of friendship.

So recently we were talking about how to transition the relationship and our expectations, this got me going back to history and observing the patterns that led me to disasters. I stumbled upon our first date and freaked out on account of it not even being long at all.

See I know chemistry when I feel it but I can’t date on account of chemistry, it has to not just feel right but also be right. We talked about this and October said sometimes, unplanned things fall into place and just fits perfectly, it’s scary but it happens. See we fit so perfectly, it scared me, two weeks, I freaked out and texted October asking if he was busy I wanted to talk to him about something, he replied immediately.

I didn’t text back immediately because I was in a meeting, October, called me three times, after an hour when I called back, the shake in his voice made me feel nervous and asked to text instead. I did and I asked that we take it slowly so that he is not forming a bond based on boredom of moving back, and for me, for the sake of having someone. He agreed and said “as long as we have a review timeframe and he wasn’t just waiting around while I am sleeping with some guy” to which I was like deal.

I have prayed and asked God to bring me my man because I am not into this whole experimental dating; meet a guy, rush in a relationship before our real self shows up, and it when it does, our emotions are all over the place. The rush of infatuation can sometimes lead us to take the next steps into exclusivity without looking objectively at the odds of the relationship succeeding. We no longer ask ourselves serious questions like “do I like this person, are they my friend and how do they make me feel”? Rushed intimacy and sex puts blinders on us and by the time we realise; it’s not a match, so much emotions and time would have been invested in the process, so we manage the situation or try to change the person.

I have hurried nowhere fast before, the sex felt good, but suddenly I realised this person does not treat me special in any shape or form. So recently, a friend of mine said, December is the month when IJGBs will be all over Lagos that October might get tired of waiting and get snatched away and my response was “that is exactly the plan, to watch his consistency especially during the “IJGB Lagos festival” when girls with all sorts of accent, skin color and weaves full everywhere. Another friend assumed I didn’t like October as much as he liked me and it made me think, I mean this man left his house at mid-night on the account of ImaRose being sick and came to carry me around to look for a 24 hour pharmacy, then got back and watched cartoon network with me until I slept off before he went home…considering that the next day was a work day. Not too long ago, I met someone who was too busy to call or take me out for a planned outing. So what is not to like about October mbok?

I won’t lie I like October

I am in very strong like with October

Fingers crossed.

BAD MARKET WOMEN

To think I had no idea what to write about this week, but thanks to my friend, let’s call him Vodka, who called me crying last night. I don’t play with my sleep, sometimes by 8pm ImaRose don sleep. But a grown man crying on the phone had me awake giving free therapy for three hours on a Sunday night.

 E-go pass woman? Hmmmm, wait, continue! (I miss our former first-lady sha)

Okay so my friend ,Vodka, open-eye dated and wanted to marry this girl who was the direct opposite of what he always said he wanted, why? because I don’t know o…is it not how all these men are. Vodka’s story is too complicated so I no fit talk am, plus, he recently sent me one post I wrote here, say ‘im like the writer, that she make sense die. Anyway, I know it won’t be long before he figures it’s me: as an emotional writer, it doesn’t take long for people who know me to know I am ImaRose…unless Miss Gidi exposes me.

So the story is that Vodka babe don leave am…what else is new abi? but before I tell you why let me say a few things.

Men! why do you judge women solely by physical characteristics?. So, if a girl looks and dresses like she’s physically cute, most men will automatically assume she has to be a good person and, consequently, will put up with a lot of nonsense in the relationship. Especially in this Lagos, men are about the Brazilian weave, daily professional makeup wearing type of women. Some of these women are high maintenance and cause major damage to their pocket, but they don’t mind. But after dem marry am finish, they will expect Aunty to tone down…tone down wetin?

But besides these ones, let me tell you about these women who are spoiling market for those of us in this Lagos:

Constant Attention Seekers

Many of us love attention. And, yes, I include myself in that category. However, there are those who love attention and generally prefer getting it from one person and not choke the person. And, there are those who are obsessed with attention and need to get constant validation from multiple sources. These sort of women keep three to four boyfriends; waiting for who will propose first, they post thirst-trap pictures on IG and feed off of IG likes. Recently I met a babe that did that and deleted all her social media accounts after one of her bae’s proposed. Player-men, player-women are matching y’all in your own game now!

Judging by how she captions the photos and her comments, she enjoys the constant attention from the men in her news feed. These are the type that will put bikini picture and write ‘for God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son…’ she don become salvation to mankind be that.

God created us women with too much love to give, I admit our love can be a bit too much sometimes but, a good candidate knows how to manage, not to choke the guy, such balance means that when he is really busy and not all over her, she is not seeking it elsewhere thereby spoiling market for the rest of us good women.

Drama Queens

Recently, I was talking about what bothers me with someone, and got the vibe that maybe I wasn’t taken seriously or I didn’t mean what I said possibly because, I wasn’t dramatic, didn’t cry, curse, ignore or keep malice to drive a point home. I don’t know how to act like that, and if someone did to me, I’d just ignore them, I hate drama.

I feel like Nigerian men are LOVE drama, it’s like they only consider communication laced with drama, I don’t get it. If you want to send your point across, add a spice of drama, if you don’t know how to cause drama then you are not serious about what you want.

The problem with dramatic women is that it affects everyone else around them too. So, you might want to simply have a good day at work, but you find yourself on the phone half the day dealing with a meltdown because she is on her period and you didn’t call her 5 times before noon like you always do.

Keep in mind too that almost every dramatic person I know insists they “hate drama.”Don’t go by what she says. Instead, look at what they do. Sometimes, I said sometimes oh and not when she is on her period, disappoint her and see how she handles it…if you try it when she is close to her period, don’t mention my name mbok

Drama is a waste of time. It is emotionally draining to be dealing with a dramatic person all the time. While a dramatic guy might enjoy it, if you are emotionally stable, you definitely don’t want to date a girl who sucks you into her constant unstable emotions…the unfortunate thing is that for the rest of us drama-free women, most men take advantage of our calmness because these drama queens have spoilt market.

Jerks

Somehow, the concept of women as jerks is shocking to guys.

Here is a newsflash for naive men: women can be huge jerks too. Just like many guys, some women are narcissistic, manipulative, self-centered, self-serving, angry, and even violent jerks who will mistreat you and those around you, but if she wants the ring, you won’t see that side of her until she don enter house. Actually, she might manipulate you into giving the ring, you just won’t know it

To know if the babe is a jerk, pay close attention to how she treats those closest to her especially domestic workers and drivers. If she bullies others, behaves badly, acts entitled, etc. then don’t get sucked in just because she is physically attractive or can bring on her A-game in the bedroom. It’s character you live with for rest of your life and one day, na you she go slap.

Ehen so Vodka, correct bobo was dating one madam, even proposed with one five million naira rock, as in when I see the thing I melt. Sadly, Vodka lost his job shortly after and has been on a job hunt since. He’s from a wealthy home and could depend on his father but as a responsible young man, he refused. Not too long after they got engaged, aunty got pregnant so when he lost his job and with the increasing bills, Vodka told her that she should consider having the baby in Naija because he won’t be able to afford her giving birth in America.

Babe come vex that she cannot born pikin in naija and since he doesn’t have the money, she would have an abortion. Vodka was upset , he begged, his friends begged, plenty people tried to make this babe see that abortion was not the way forward, after all they were already engaged and he truly loved her….and so on and so forth.

Well, my people..true true, the babe abort the pregnancy and has now broken up with Vodka because dem no born am manage for this life.

Meanwhile people like ImaRose are still praying for correct man to come her way..this life sha

FLIP

So all you people abusing me in your comments, abeg put me for ground oh, blame Ms Gidi oh, she is busy planning wedding. I send her a post and she won’t remember to  post until two weeks later, then she will edit and re-edit and make sure my gist is straight to the point, what can I say? that’s why she is Madam Editor.

Okay, seriously, I need to start leaving my charm at home. Last week (this last week could be 2 weeks ago depending on when Ms Gidi posts this), I had a meeting that turned into a 6 hour date, it wasn’t until my phone rang that I realised I had been talking to this guy for over 6 hours. Prior to the meeting, he called me to say he couldn’t find my work number on whatsapp, and I was like no darling, I don’t do multi-whatsapp, barely have enough time to manage one.

Remember the guy who cooked me brunch in his new house after church one Sunday, yeah that guy. I really liked him at first until I noticed all his numbers were on whatsapp and he maintained all his whatsapps, that and not answering some calls in my presences that had all my warning alarms going off.

Living a double life is so off-putting for me, like it’s not that serious, you want to deceive as many babes as possible, that’s your business, but give those of us who will easily let you go when you are acting confused or suddenly disappear a chance to say “no thanks, I am not going on that emotional roller-coaster with you”.

So back to the longest meeting/date I have ever had. I eventually gave this guy my personal number and he started toasting subtly, but I didn’t know until the meeting/date. On day of meeting, he called and was like, from all our correspondence, I notice you hate driving (driving is a calling that it’s not mine, I HATE IT) can I send someone to pick you up as there is so much traffic. But what is with traffic these days, “nsi-do” “kilode” “ogini”? I was tempted to say yes, but I had beach yoga later, so I turned down such a thoughtful gesture.

First time I met this guy, we talked about something to do with marriage and I was like, “if” I get married and the guy was like “no when” you get, if sounds like you don’t believe in or want to get married.” This time, he was like you are too fancy a woman not to be wifed up, I am sure your husband is looking for you, maybe it’s me, maybe is someone new or someone you already know now.

Quickly, the conversation evolved to data collection; wanting to know what he might be dealing with should I give into his advances. We were sorting of throwing questions at each other and then I asked “why will a man go from constantly reaching out and seeming all interested to little or no contact or the excuse of being busiest person on earth”.

He took a deep breath and then he said, ImaRose, I am going to flip that question around instead “if you were a man, why would you do something like that”? Suddenly I got it; it’s like we ask others for validation to counter something we already know to be reality. I didn’t want to answer so he asked again; “if you were a guy getting to know a girl and you only called and texts like once a week. Why would you do that?”

I answered;

“I’d probably do that because I wasn’t that into her but wasn’t willing to let her be probably because of incentives like the opportunity to have sex once in a while, so I will create the distance, but reduce the frequency of contacts so she knows it’s not that kind of party”

Then he went, us guys are so simple but women refuse to believe us when our actions say what we are not bold enough to say……….there goes the light bulb moment and flash of clarity.

The problem is most times us women want to keep hope alive, even when the man has given us nothing to hold unto. Then before you know it you are the accidental booty-call, then one day he will wake up and tell you “we were not dating”. For me sex with men I’m getting to know can make me emotionally unavailable to other potentials and I don’t want that.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that flipping the situation can 
answer a lot of relationship questions. 

Let’s say I was a guy and I wasn’t making time for a woman I claim to like; I was sort of distant and will call her every once in a while and text her occasionally, why
would you do that?

It’s not rocket science. Let’s assume for a second he was away from his phone for whatever reason (very rare in this day and age), you got caught up and were busy doing something else; rotating your interest among several women or you weren’t that into her and didn’t feel any urgency to text back because you didn’t really care if she stuck around or not. Sometimes it could be a deliberate act for you to read the signs and not stick around.

Throughout my dating career, I have seen men act like this so often, me I just watch them and after a while rip the band-aid off and let it die a natural death.

Girls, next time you’re trying to understand why a guy is acting a certain way, flip things around and think of the reasons you might do said behaviour. I don’t even have the time to be wondering why a man is acting how he is, to me, his actions and inaction will tell me anything I need to know about his reality and I don’t argue with people’s reality, I take it for what it is. I will only feel bad if I broke my own rule of no sex until we know what we are doing. I have done it, and for a while it bothered me, but hey, we live and we learn daily. In case someone else “wants to screw up my perfect little life, I am not going there again, lol”.

I couldn’t believe I could do something like that sha, at least now I know that even I can break my own rule. Dating seems really confusing, but the answers are usually right in
front of us, we just choose to look the other way because sometimes the truth
hurts.

We ended the conversation with him saying “I am telling you this so that when we date, I was like no, “if” we date”, you can call me out on my bullshit, I will be willing to talk to you about how you feel, because sometimes, I am not deliberately trying to be an asshole, even when I am busy, and I am very busy I promise to talk about it”

And I was like on one condition, we are not hanging out in each other’s houses or enclosed places, I was celibate for over a year until, recently! I don’t want to have to count in both hands, it used to be one hand, and it’s now both hands, before I meet my “Ima”

Na wa o

ImaRose

Chasing the 20

Every once in a while, I have very interesting conversations with strangers. Last week was one of those, when a younger guy whose crush for me could be perceived from across the Atlantic Ocean. I have been corresponding with someone who is moving to Nigeria to replace his predecessor for some diplomatic duties, clearly an older guy, but then he attached me to one of his 27-year-old assistants for efficient correspondence.

Eventually, he moved to Nigeria and I had to have a sit down with his assistant to go through certain documents. Little did I know that this boy was going to attempt to turn it into a date, while his ogas where they’re pretending to eat lunch and not notice. Thing is, I am not even going to lie; oyinbo man can make can make a woman feel all sorts of special, but he is too young jare.

In typical male style, he very quickly pushed the conversation into checking if I had a man by the cliché “I hope your boyfriend won’t be….” Statement. Well I let him know I didn’t have someone but between y’all and I, I am at that place in my life where I want happiness more than I want anything else. Like me he is sapiosexual so we delved deep into talking about the death of traditional courtship, the confusion of who should do what in a relationship, the forcefulness of women and how laid back and complacent men are becoming these days. Naturally, the conversation evolved to the 80/20 rule in choosing a partner.

The 80/20 rule basically says you will only get 80% of what you are looking for but like most men do after a while, they start thinking the grass could be greener on the other side instead of watering their own damn grass. Often times, they come across someone who is offering the 20%, but then that is all. The trick about that 20% is, it’s exciting at first but after a while it’s empty with no depth to it. The catch is, 20% looks good until you discover that’s all there is to it and then you find yourself missing that person who was your 80% percent. Hopefully, I made sense there sha.

By the way, did you know that Sweden has the highest rate of empowered women in the world, and it also ranks the highest in divorce rates in the world? The country is literally run by women, my young assistant oyibo toaster believes it’s because women are over empowered and act like men, thus confusing men who do not know how to act like men. At this point, I was like dear Jesus, why is he younger than me, and why isn’t he at least Naija, or half Naija? Fix it Jesus!

Back to the topic
Now unfortunately I think that some men believe that if they have the 80% as a main and subsidise the 20% as a side-piece they would be happy. Others on the other hand, like my ex, the unlucky guy will try to change women or impose things on the woman to make them 100%.

My ex, Mr Unlucky, used to tell me “don’t get upset if I cheat on you, all my friends go clubbing with their women and all you want to do is go home most of the time”. I don’t have an active party life, I used to try, but when he started fighting and threatening me about it, I just couldn’t be bothered. Then he said that his mum said I was not social, I go to their family house and not jump around talking to everyone, and in my mind I’m like here is a woman who said “oh but she is not light-skinned, I thought you preferred light-skinned girls” the first time she met me. Like didn’t he see my chocolate skin before coming to me? Yet, I never deceived this man into believing I was a party girl nor did I have an issue with him going as long as he is not creeping around on me we are cool. This was a man who didn’t exercise or bother about healthy eating like I am, but I was still ok with cooking him all his fatty food and stuff. We would even go on holiday and I would go hiking or to the museums alone because he didn’t want to go and I wouldn’t let him rain on my parade.

Gone are the days men used to complain about their women trying to change them, these days men are the ones doing all the changing, it’s like they want to get their women to fit into their idea of the perfect mould. That’s how last week, I was outside my house in a wrapper (as a nudist, I walk around in almost nothing, hence my collection of wrappers), was accosted by a grown man after saying goodbye to a special friend in a special way. This grown ass man who was watching, called me aside, I thought maybe he missed his way so I decided to walk over and help only for him to attempt some small talk and eventually ask for my number. I refused to give him my number and then he responded, “You are attractive but would have been better if you had breasts”.

 As in I stood there with my mouth open until he drove off, I was speechless, what won’t I see in this Lagos. First of all, I was obviously not heavily endowed or ‘packaged’ when he saw me initially so why would he make such a statement about having breasts, like he wanted me to be someone else. Abeg if you like big-breast, follow big-breast, if you like ass, hips follow it, if you love your women glamorous follow those ones, mbok, don’t expect your MaryAmaka to wake up and be Shakira because you said so. That’s how somebody will end up with a man like that, be all of his 80% and one day he will see a big breasted 20% and say that one is better than me.

We need to be honest with ourselves in this dating jungle, know what is our 80% and stick to it. Not all this what ifs or constant comparison to partners of the past or partners we wish we had. Chasing after the 20% is not going to do you any good, I mean look at Mr Unlucky, after we broke up, he tried to come back and his main reason was that he missed my homely nature, the same one he complained about o..hian!
At the end, Mr young assistant and I ended the night agreeing that the 80% was more important than the 20% but disagreeing on the fact that I am not attracted to oyinbo men. Now he is on a mission to make me his girlfriend…LOL…that won’t happen, at least not to a younger oyinbo boy.

Meanwhile have you noticed the increase in interracial relationships and marriages in Nigeria? Izz like, It’s the new trend….

Ah well

Imarose