LOSS OF MY LIFE

You meet a girl, let’s call her LOML (Love of my life). You vibe with her on all levels; Sexual attraction ✔ Communication ✔ Friendship ✔ Banter ✔ Intellectual stimulation ✔etc. You guys are a phenomenal duo! RMD and Regina got nothing on you, Will and Jada pale in comparison, Sheldon and Amy? They need to bazinga away!

So you date/hang/chill/whatever until you’re entwined in each other’s lives. I mean, she gets you so it makes sense for her to fit into those hard to reach and mostly hidden areas of your life as you have also fit into hers. Life is good, love is better and LOML, the best.

You’re somewhat successful and the thought of having mini-yous, a home and a wife starts creeping in, you know, the whole “I’m a responsible and respectable man” package; the housewife and 2.5 kids.

You’re still with LOML, however, you realize that LOML doesn’t fit your(read patriarchy’s) idea of what a wife should be, you scored her against the sacred list, handed to you by years of perfectly crafted societal ideals of marriage. She didn’t do well. So you shenk her, give her the usual lines; “it’s not you, it’s me”, “any guy will be lucky to have you”, yenyenyen.

It’s ended, it hurts but “it was the right thing to do” you repeatedly tell yourself, you flash back to her ideologies about marriage and yes it was definitely the right thing to do! She wouldn’t have let you ascend unto your husbandly throne, so you quickly recoup and embark on a search, a search for your perfect idea of a wife or most likely what societal conditioning has told you is a perfect spouse, you don’t search too far because she is that girl who is always around but you never felt a thing for, the one who didn’t make your loins catch fire but defers to you at the slightest provocation, she doesn’t stimulate you but she will take care of the home.
So you make up your mind, he that finds a wife….. You’ve found her, you choose her, life is complete and happily ever after can begin.

The story should end here right? But that’s not where it stops because life can be a Shonda Rhimes script sometimes.

Few months, years down the line…… You now realize that your partner doesn’t get sarcasm, doesn’t get your jokes, doesn’t do it(you can’t explain) for you, no stimulation but still checks all the boxes a partner should have according to society’s manual of marriage, you’re stuck!

You remember LOML, the nights spent talking about the stars, dreams, the ludicrous ingenuity of the shakushaku dance, the ease with which they “got” you. You miss that….. You miss her…..

So, you get in touch, hurray, she’s still single!!! You try to reconnect, a little “hey” here, a little “sup” there before you know, it’s morphed into a “let’s hang”. You meet up, you talk, your heart lights up, you’ve not felt this alive in ages, she still ticks those boxes and you realize you shouldn’t have let her go….

You’re back home and it’s cold.. you perform your societal husbandly duties… Yes, you love your wife and “perfect” life but you need to feel alive….

Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do? Don’t worry you can talk to me about it in the comment section. Do you have an idea on what he should do? Let me know in the comment section.

And yes people, I am back!!! We’ll have a catch-up post soon, but until then let’s not pretend you (yes you) didn’t miss me, tell me how much in the comment section too❤

LANDING THE RIGHT MAN

Guys I apologise for being consistently inconsistent these days, truth is, I am working on a lot of things even while on vacation, it almost feels like I am biting more than I can chew but when one is a budding policy-maker, one is everyone’s go-to house-girl for policy/research related issues, most of the time, for free, but in Nigeria, we call it “sowing seeds for your future”. Not even going to lie, Ima is really enjoying this her time away from a 9-5, vacation where she no run go ‘the abroad’ to spend money, I still wake up to my alarm clock, roll over and continue sleeping or go and exercise if I had enough sleep. I cook, a lot these days, until you have had my unripe plantain porridge, you haven’t had a good one, yes I am actually boasting!

It’s funny how my friends are more worried about my single status than I am, sometimes I actually forget that I am no longer a spring-chicken. You know they say ‘Gemini’ are externally kids and in my case, that won’t be a lie, I mean one is the big 3.0 next year, and still sulks when a date rain checks on one. I just learnt what rain check meant two days ago, lol! I am proud of myself.

Recently, our very own Miss Gidi, played a fast one on me with an arrangee that took me a while to figure out for what it was. It was very pleasant, sweet and pleasing to the eyes and I am still blushing from it, that’s all y’all need to know, lol!…in her defence, I harassed her into introducing me to someone since she is too busy with wedding planning.

On another note, I have this friend (we’ll call her Spice) that’s  been trying to hook me up with her boyfriend’s friend for a while now. I declined the offer, and months ago she said, she was too concerned for me and that her boyfriend who proposed without a ring, had said once they get married she would not hang around single ladies again. In my sarcastic manner, I told her my lawyers would contact be in touch soon to process our no-hard-feelings-unfriendship.

So in order to avoid this unfriendship, she decided it was time to urge me on to consider her bae’s friend. According to her, he was every inch a potential husband and he was actively looking for a wife not dating around. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and but she kept insisting, so I told her the light version of why not her bae’s friend which is ‘we just don’t click, maybe it’s me’, but here’s the raw version.

Usually, I am very weary of who wants to hook me up especially when your relationship is not working, no thanks! Any man who behaves like Spice’s boyfriend will not have the kind of man I like as friends, birds of a feather flock together, true story.

Spice’s boyfriend will be out with Spice and some random chick will walk up to him and say, you never called me back and he won’t remember how and where he met her, but he will tell Spice, she must be some chick he has had sex with, he managed to convince her that he loves her, but his nature is a more prevalent force he cannot control, to Spice, love doesn’t negate cheating. Spice is the kind of girl that goes to her boyfriend’s house with her own pillow, sheets, and duvet cover, because she doesn’t want to sleep on sex sweat from side-pieces. Spice said, a man sleeping with random chics is nothing to worry about, but when it is a particular girl, there is reason to pray and fast against strange women.  Don’t ask me mbok, I don’t understand it too, but how about respect? I wish a n*** would, rubbish!

Fast and pray ko, my mates are finding solutions to their immediate world’s problem, I should pray and fast for a man not to leave me for another? Abasi akan (God forbid). God doesn’t answer those kinds of prayers; God is too busy to focus on manipulation.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, I am talking to my oyinbo friend who called me for some girl talk on something she was going through in her marriage. As my therapy session, I mean, girl-chat ended, Spice broke down crying, saying, her bae, the same one who proposed without a ring, keeps breaking up with her, saying, he doesn’t think he is good enough for her, how she deserves better, and could do way better than him. Dude even said he fears, he might run away and leave her one day should they go ahead with the marriage that has no plan, details or anything fixed.

I wasn’t surprised, in my mind, I was like any man who proposes without a ring, is as unserious as unserious can be, maybe it was in the heat of some mind-blowing sex, because why else will a man propose without ring?

As I probed further to find out why she didn’t ask for a ring or want to know when this wedding shall be, Spice, wailed. And then said, he said he didn’t want to draw attention until he had saved up enough money to give her a befitting ring and grand dream wedding ceremony.

Worse load of ish I have heard in my entire life. What is a dream wedding, sef? My own dream wedding is 50 close friends and family at the court, dinner for 100 later followed by thanksgiving in church, and then we can honeymoon for 4 weeks and have amazing sex in some exotic locations around the world, what could be better than that?. Spending excessively on a lavished ceremony is waste of resources…Miss Gidi wait oh! we still plan to turn up for yours so don’t cut down, DJ Xclusive maybe?

So Spice ended the conversation with, ‘he benefits more from this relationship than I do from him’, when I pressed further, it turned out that she bought him a piece of land,  paid for the survey and planning, and apparently, this was the same time, the deadbeat pulled the ring-less spur of the moment engagement stunt…shebi I talk am…there had to be some motivation for that nonsense.

Now she’s back at square one, crying a river, if I talk now, they will say I don’t understand because I don’t have a man so this time I have absolutely nothing to say

But my fellow single ladies, if a man lives in Egbeda and you love him, live there with him until he is able to come up with an upgrade, only ever, contribute or plan with a man who is your husband, not a boyfriend, not even fiance mbok. Some men are wired to derive joy and ego from being heads and leaders, if you buy land for a man, he will take it as he should and build a life with a woman who accepts his present state in life and allows him to be a man.

If a man wants to be with you, no ex, side babes, friends with benefits, friends having hope, can keep him away, if he doesn’t, there is nothing you can do to keep him…not even 10 plots in Banana Island

I rest my case

Imarose