We’ve got mail: He won’t marry me until I lose weight

I don’t seem to get emails a lot but when I do I get very excited…(sad I know). Anyway here is an email from Miss Jay and as usual she needs our thoughts and input

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dear miss gidi

Hello Miss Gidi,

I really like your blog and that you come across as a very strong and opinionated woman in this our Lagos that can bring you down. I have a concern and I would like to share it with you and other readers of your blog.

I’m 29, Igbo and the first girl out of four daughters that my parents have, my parents live in Imo but I live in Lagos with 2 of my sisters while the last one is in University. In the last year, my younger sisters have gotten engaged but my parents have refused they get married before me which has brought a lot of quarrel in the family. I have tried to convince my parents to let them get married but that has not been successful because they consider it to be a disgrace on the family. I know you are probably wondering how this is possible in 2014 but this is my reality.

I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for about 5 years now and he has said he wants to marry me. He’s a nice guy but has a bad temper which has led to a few quarrels, he never hits me because I will never tolerate it but sometimes he makes me feel bad about myself through his words because he says the meanest things without thinking. I used to complain a lot but I have gotten used to it now and I just ignore him when he says some things because he may not mean them.

About a year ago, when I brought up the issue of marriage, he said the reason why he has not proposed was because I was fat. That became the beginning of our problems and now he is always quick to call me fat whenever we have an issue. For my birthday he bought a dress 2 sizes smaller (I am a UK 14 now) and said I have until December to be that size before he proposes.

To be honest, I have tried all the diets and none of them seem to work. When I lose weight, our relationship flourishes, then he would call me beautiful names and take me out to hang out with his friends and family but when I add anything back, he gets upset and starts avoiding taking me out. I wasn’t always this big, I was a size 10 when we started dating but taking birth control pills has contributed to my weight gain over the years.

Sometimes I am unhappy because it’s not like he’s exactly an Idris Elba himself, he has developed a pot belly but has the audacity to tell me to lose weight or he won’t marry me after all these years.

I know this may seem like too much but I don’t know what to do and I can’t start from scratch again in the dating world.

Help

Miss Jay

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Usually I have a response but this time I asked for Miss Jay’s permission to publish her email on the blog without telling her my opinion. To be honest, it is a tough one and I can somewhat relate to her situation but I want to know what you think of her man asking her to lose weight before proposing or do you think there is more to it ?

Use the comment box below and let’s discuss 🙂 

If you want to reach out to me or share your own story on the blog, you can send an email to singleingidi@yahoo.com or follow SingleinGidi on Facebook, twitter and instagram 

MADAM OVERSABI

In every group of people having a conversation, there is always one oversabi (Miss Gidi 2014) . In case you didn’t know, an oversabi is a person who feels the need to act like they know it all, so it’s no surprise that they are also called ‘I too know’, ‘ITK’ or ‘know it all’ if you choose to go the posh way. What’s annoying about oversabis is that true to their titles they assume to know everything even in situations where they obviously have no experience.

Over the weekend, I ‘somehow’ found myself in a group of older ladies having a conversation on being career wives and mothers; the ‘somehow’ part is that I went to a different salon from my usual and soon realised that the top customers in this salon happened to be married women which is very different from what I am used to but that’s not the point of this post. I listened to them talk about having kids, taking care of the home and also finding time to look hot because there is competition that they have to keep up with a.k.a hungry single women. What amazed me though was one lady who had an opinion and unsolicited advice for every topic raised.

I listened to her tell the other ladies how to treat their husbands, splitting home chores, training children the right way and at some point,  she was advising a woman who had been married for 30 years on how to handle her marital home. As in, O ghel was vast in this field and was dishing out free advice that no one asked for; the only problem was she had no wedding ring on, and when asked how long she had been married, she admitted that she was still single,(never been married) and had no children. At that point, all the younger married women zoned out while she spoke and turned to the older woman on tips on how to handle a home and bring up children; after all she had been married for 30 years with children in their twenties while they still struggled with managing their toddlers. It was clear Madam Oversabi did not fit in.

If looks could kill

It’s no news that single (and divorced) people often offer the best unsolicited advice and/or opinions  most times based on theories and observation. For example, the book ‘Act like a lady, think like a man’ became a hit with every woman using it as the bible for their relationships without questioning the authenticity of the author, who’s been married three times but what is my own there, the man is smiling to the bank while I’m looking for small change and using him as a bad example. Anyway, I felt bad for lil Miss Oversabi as she was side-lined in the conversation due to her inexperience and it made it clear to me that sometimes single ladies (and some guys) cross the line when advising those who have problems very different from ours.

While you are struggling with just having a date or that guy that picking up your 15th call in the last 15 hours, the married woman next to you is worrying about her husband or her son that is determined to be a spoilt brat. Regardless of how many theories you know or the number of families you may have observed, it is and will never be the same when you have not gone through that experience or currently in a place to understand it. Call it harsh but Miss Oversabi deserved that treatment ..I only felt bad for her because being single like she is, I understand the pain she felt not because I thought she was right.

No one is saying giving advise is wrong, but giving unsolicited advise and acting like you know it all especially on dynamic matters such as marriage and raising children can be  presumptuous . So to all the single ladies out there, when faced with a conversation by a bunch of married women, do not under any circumstance (even if all your siblings are married) become Madam Oversabi.