A SHADE OF LEKKI

Gbadero couldn’t wait to get out of the office as the weekend rush was about to hit. After many wasted hours in traffic along the Lekki perimeter, he knew the difference ten minutes later than sooner will make could cost him missing out in his Salsa class tonight.

This was his Friday evening fix given that his busy weeks didn’t give him time for his favorite pastime: dancing.

He had been attending this salsa class for about 4 months now and he loved every moment of it, especially the group dances. He wasn’t a bad dancer himself but so far, he hadn’t gelled with any partners. Every Friday was a dash of hope in the direction of positivity and although most of his pairings didn’t click, he had enjoyed the classes so far.

Dashing through the smooth sailing traffic, he could only hope that tonight would be great. He had missed last Fridays, thanks to a work training that went beyond forever. Time flew by briskly and he was already sitting in the dance studios lobby waiting to start.

The atmosphere tonight was bubbly with some new faces and some regulars. Being the introvertish type, he had his Instagram feed to keep him company till 7pm when things kicked off.

He overheard some girls, in a group behind him, teasing their friend about being an ‘SU’ and how she should try to loosen up. She was worrying about dancing so close to a stranger and her friends made good meat of her.

He smiled at their conversation as he could relate it with how his own shyness got in the way when he first got into these classes.

Before long, warmups had begun and he was having fun until the instructor, Chimaka, started pairing up people. Apparently, Chimaka knew a lot of people had settled into pairing up with the same partners week in week out and wanted to shake things up.

Gbadero was hoping it will be Janet from two weeks earlier as she was more experienced and a good teacher. He was already moving, stealthy, closer and closer her way hoping that Chimaka would pair them again.

Alas, Chimaka shouts out ‘Gbadero, please come this way’ as she walks towards this girl he had never seen before. ‘What’s your name again?’ She asked the new girl. ‘Shade’, she replied excitedly as Chimaka brought her closer to Gbadero.

‘Right, Shade this is Gbadero. He will be your partner today. He’s fairly new here too but good enough to help you’ Chimaka continued and joined their hands together.

Gbadero said a shy ‘hi’ and it wasn’t until after she replied that he remembers her to be the new girl being teased earlier.

“She isn’t that bad looking’ Gbadero thought to himself ‘but she’s an SU…. hmmmmm… wo make I just dance jare and catch my own trips’.

Shade was about 5’8 or so, with short braids, full-bodied, no make-up and smelled nice. She had a spark in her eyes and even though she wasn’t saying much, there was a playfulness to her that was infectious.

Gbadero braved up and after the next 5,6,7,8 asks ‘so what do you do?’. ‘I am a lawyer… actually, technically corporate law but more of oil and gas with a splash of international law… you?’. Gbadero replied ‘Not as ghen ghen as you o. I am just an IT guy…. technically, a Windows systems administrator and sometimes the guy everyone’s mum calls when they break their computer’. They both giggled.

‘So why Salsa?’ Shade asked ‘for a guy as big and cuddly as you are, why Salsa?.

‘So you don’t like big guys?’ Gbadero replied.

‘No, I don’t mean it like that. I was saying you don’t find a 6ft plus guy on the chubby side dancing salsa much these days…’ she continued.

‘Ol’ it!’ Gbadero responded as he spun her round ‘it’s all muscle o! You should see me when my clothes go off’.

‘How many girls have you told that lie to, Mr. Gbadero’ Shade asked ‘i bet they all fall for that line?’

‘Ermm, actually, I have other sweet lines but not this one. First time I am trying out this one and I think I’ve failed already’ Gbadero replied.

‘Well, not so quick. I would take you up on that and let me be the judge if it’s all muscle or otherwise’ she replied as they both giggled.

This was going better than Gbadero expected and the more they spoke as they danced, the more he saw the beauty in her. Well, there was obviously a problem. She was an SU and he wasn’t sure if she would be done for a good time. There’s another Friday and another after all, so why rush things he thought.

The classes came to an end. They hugged before they went both back to the changing rooms. Gbadero could still smell her fragrance as he changed his clothes. He could feel himself getting hard and he had to shake himself out of such dead-end thoughts.

Getting into his car, he picked up his phone to check messages and a thud on his window startled him. It was Shade.

‘Hey, Mr. Muscle! I know this may sound awkward but if you’re up for a drink, I don’t live too far away from here and you’re more than welcome to try my special cocktail. You could even show me that muscle if my cocktail passes’, Shade said.

Gbadero was confused. Yes he was single, yes he liked this girl, Yes it was better for him to hang out somewhere still around Lekki till about 10pm as it was just 830pm and traffic will still be tricky going to Mile 2 and Yes, he wanted to taste her cocktail but was she not supposed to be SU?

‘You live not far from here’ he replied incoherently. ‘Yes, about 5 minutes drive. You can follow my car – the blue Honda by the gate over there. Is that okay?’ Shade replied.

‘Sure! Let’s do this totally, Madame Barista!’ Gbadero continued. ‘I’ll be right after you’.

‘Oshey! Don’t get lost. By the way, I like the sound of Madame Barista’

Gbadero saluted as he rolled his windows back up. Wow, this night just gets better. Here’s a pretty girl asking him over. His mind race through all the permutations but then he didn’t have a condom on him and following after her car, he couldn’t buy one. Besides, she might not be down for sex so maybe he shouldn’t think that far.

Driving into her driveway, he was impressed with her condo. It wasn’t ostentatious but you could tell that whoever owns it had taste.

She hurried out of her call to his and helped Gbadero in.

‘Nice house’ Gbadero said ‘It must have cost you a fortune to put this together. I’m working towards moving to Lekki sometime soon too and this has spurred me on’.

‘Actually, it’s not that expensive but I was lucky as someone sold this to me out of desperation. They were relocating under short notice and needed a quick sale. So, there you go…. please have a seat and make yourself comfortable. I’ll be back in a jiffy’ Shade said as she disappeared upstairs.

Gbadero sat on one of the couches in the room. Many racy thoughts ran through his mind as he imagined what sex would be like with Shade. If she smelled as good as she’d been all evening, would she taste equally as good?.

His thoughts were interrupted with Shades footsteps down the stairs. She only had been gone for about 10mins but her return was unexpected. She was in a sheer red silk housecoat with her nipples pointing out.

She bypassed her bar and walked straight in Gbaderos direction with a strut that was super sexy.

‘Hey, Mr. Muscle. I figured I made life easier for you with showing off those muscles’, Shade said as she started untying the black rope around her red robe.

‘Wait! Aren’t we moving too quickly here? What happened to that drink you…’ Gbadero replied nervously. Shade had opened her robe and this made him lose his train of thoughts.

He saw her in her nude form and his lust heightened to the utmost level. He tried to get up but she pushed him right back.

‘Easy, Tiger, Easy. I promised you a drink, didn’t I? That first ‘ Shade continued, walking away to the bar and flicking her little red robe to reveal more of a rotund ass.

‘Fuck!’ Gbadero thought. This must be his lucky night in a few months of inactivity. The imagery of her full frontal – huge brown areolas and full breasts; her well-groomed bush; tiger marks around her firm athletic thighs and the birthmark around her curvy waist.

He could imagine her legs wrapped around him already. He wanted to taste her already and feel her pussy juices on his tongue. He had stiffened up now and didn’t know if it was appropriate to bring out his dick. He didn’t want to appear desperate or jump to conclusions. What if that was just an accident or a test? He adjusted himself back and reached for a small backrest nearby to conceal his excitement.

Shade was returning now with two drinks in hand. There was a mischievous smirk on her face as she handed the drink to Gbadero and sat beside him Budda style. She waited for him to sip on her cocktail with rapt attention.

‘What do you think?’ she asked ‘Expectation met’?

Gbadero looked at her dismissively and downed everything in one full sweep. ‘The proof is in the pudding… they say… I say the pudding went down smooth and well’ Gbadero replied to a smiling Shade who quickly copied Gbadero and downed hers too.

‘Now that that’s out of the way, it’s time to show me that muscle, Mr. Muscle’ Shade replied as she put her glass away.

‘No, no, no need to get up’, she continued as Gbadero was about to stand up. ‘You’ve been up all evening. Just take that shirt off and let me do the judging’ she continued as she stood and knelt in between his open legs.

Gbadero flung his shirt and singlet open faster than he normally would, excited about where all this could lead.

‘So what do you think Madame Barista’? he asked feeling all content with himself. ‘I gave myself away a bit after my last breakup two months ago but…’

Shade put her finger on his lips to hush him. ‘I’ve seen better muscles but I don’t mind tonight. I like you – that’s all that counts’ she replied ‘Has anyone told you before that you talk too much sometimes? Just relax and let me show you something that can inspire you to work on those muscles even better’.

She kissed his bare chest and sucked on his left nipple. She looked up to his face, as if to seek his approval, and started kissing him again. He tried to touch her face but she smacked his hand away and continued kissing his chest, rubbing her hands on his thighs. His phallus was bursting to be released from his jeans now.

She stopped again to make eye contact. ‘Do you want me to be a bad girl for you tonight Papi?’ she asked. Gbadero moaned out as he said the faintest yes. ‘Louder Papi’ she replied back to him and as he shouted more words and moaned sounds of affirmative surrender, she brought out his dick.

It was slightly curved with girth and veiny ridges. He was normally groomed with stubble around his pubic area and she started working her lips on his shaft, sucking his balls and performing magical fellatio.

Gbaderos entire body was electrified. Could this be real? This is one of the most beautiful and intelligent girls he had ever met in less than 3 hours of meeting her, she is already turning his world upside down without his trying too hard.

She had a special way of sucking on his dick that made it hard for him to focus on his thoughts and alas, just about three minutes into her intense blowjob, Gbadero cums with a fury all over her face and housecoat.

Apologetically, he tried to get up.

‘I’m so sorry. It’s about three months now’ he tried to explain. ‘I didn’t know where that came from and I am so embarrassed….’

She interrupted him again by placing her wet and messy finger on his lips.

‘it’s okay. I understand’ She replied and licked off all the semen from her face and clothing. ‘Now that you’ve messed up my body and cut my work short, I have to punish you’. She stood up to the side the couch, pushed Gbadero till his back was on the couch fully, pulled off his jeans and boxer and removed her robe.

It was such a glorious sight to Gbadero as he body swayed in the silhouette of the dim light above her. Her bosoms moved as though to music as she slowly climbed on top of him, sitting astride his bare chest.

‘Every Queen needs a throne Papi’ She continued. ‘Are you ready to make your face my throne?’ She asked to which Gbadero grabbed her by the thigh as though she was a child and sat her vagina on his face.

It was warm and wet. He let his tongue do the work as he circled her clitoris, making shapes around her labia and delighting her as her legs twitched, shook and moved haphazardly.

Her breathing became deeper and more intense as she also kept grabbing his head and pushing his face deeper into her. She was moaning more and with her free hand, found Gbaderos other hand to push onto her bum.

He squeezed her buttock hard, caressed it and continued to delight her as he worked his tongue. Time seemed to not matter anymore but Gbadero only realized how long he had been doing this for when his 10pm alarm went off from his phone, tucked away in his jeans.

Distracting a frenzied Shade for a moment, she turned around and pushed herself away to stand up from his face.

‘You’re hard again Papi, fuck me like you want to push me’ she continued as she grabbed a condom from her housecoat. She strapped him rapidly with one and leaned into the other chair with her ass pushed out.

Gbadero feeling all proud of himself for being able to get erect again pushed his entire shaft in slowly into her pussy. She sighed with a mix of pain and excitement as he pushed in.

‘Are you okay Baby’ he asked to gauge how much of himself he would have to give to her.

‘You talk too much man… let that dick do the talking. Shut up and fuck me hard’ She yelled back at him.

Gbadero didn’t disappoint. He thrust harder than he had ever done in his entire life. He would go in rhythms of 8-10 quick thrusts then slow down to 4-5 thrusts then go more again, caressing her back and manhandling her ass from time to time. The view was glorious as her butterfly spread right in front of him.

It was good that he had cum before as he was going to go until she begged him to stop.

As he was thinking these thoughts and feeling accomplished to the sounds of her moans, screams and incoherent verbiage, she pulled herself aside and said ‘sit, sit, sit on that couch over there – let me ride this dick’

Gbadero obliged quickly and she slowly sat on that dick pulling his head into her face so that he could look into her eyes as she mounted him. He gave a sigh of joy as she went all in again and she started grinding hard on his dick.

Gbadero loved it so much as it wasn’t much of a ride nor was it a grind. It was as though she was dancing to some undisclosed music in her mind.

His toes were curling as she sent cosmic energies all over his body; Her eyes were all rolled up as she yelled out vulgarities Gbadero didn’t expect to even come from her but he was loving every moment of it.

Suddenly, started screaming repeatedly ‘I’m cumming’. It was the sexiest sound Gbadero had heard in a long time and as she orgasm-ed wildly, with her arms wrapped tightly around Gbaderos neck and her body gyrating profusely, Gbadero felt himself cum in the condom too.

It was a beautiful experience followed by a moment of silence as she stayed in his embrace. She came up for air and kissed him so passionately, you could have assumed she would never see him again.

‘You were amazing’ Gbadero said as she stopped kissing him. ‘In fact, you are amazing. This has been the most amazing sex I’ve ever had in ages’ he continued.

She grabbed his face again starting into his eyes. ‘You weren’t bad too yourself Mr. Can I make you a drink again to reward you for taking me places I’ve not been in ages?’ she asked.

Gbadero obliged and she got up wiggling her ass as she cat-walked away from him to the bar.

‘Can I ask you something’ Gbadero asked.

‘Sure’ she replied from across the room.

‘Was it not you your friends called SU earlier today at the dance studio, Where did an SU learn your kinda tricks?’

‘like I said before, has anyone ever told you, you talk too much? better shut up before I come and deal with that preeeeq again’ she said bursting into a laugh.

‘You don’t have to go home tonight, if you don’t want. I live alone and you can start out in the morning’ she continued. ‘You could show me more things that this Papi can do to this pussy’ she said as she came out with another drink and grabbing herself thug style.

They both chuckle and the light went off. It was time to switch over her generator. She excused herself to go change and get her gate-man to change over.

Gbadero sat there wondering how his lucky stars must have aligned the right way tonight. He hadn’t had this much fun in a long time especially after being with Lola for five years to no fruitful end.

He was ready to do this again all night long and then the lights came back on.

‘It’s game on tonight’ he muttered under his breath as he started rubbing his dick again.

(Gbadero returns with more adventures).

 

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RELATIONSHIP BAGGAGE CLAIM

The article by Tunde on SIG last week on dating an abusive woman was quite enlightening and brave, but also put it in perspective that men like women can be abused in relationships, even though it is rarely talked about.  Well done Tunde, hopefully you encourage more men to talk about their issues and perspective on issues on the “hard journey” to marriage. I say “hard” because relationship issues are both ways and everyone has his or her own baggage to deal with.

Speaking of relationship baggage, once I passed the 27 age bracket with a failed engagement and seeing my friends getting married every other month, I made up my mind never to waste any moment of my life worrying and strategizing on how to manage a man with lots of baggage.  You know that phase in your life where you are desperately trying to impress a man but also trying so hard not to offend him by accepting his nonsense.

Remember my friend, Spice? the friend who I told you goes to her boyfriend’s house with her own pillow and bedsheet because she knows about his other women and isn’t worried because it not a particular woman, remember her? Yea her

Well Spice believes that a man will cheat even when he loves a woman as long as it is not a particular chick, it’s ok. Don’t ask me, me sef no understand that kain love but, yes babes really accept these behaviours from men in Lagos. As for Spice, this babe will make any excuse for the sorry ass she calls a man, the new one was one night he woke her up from sleep to talk, to say,

I think you should move one because I don’t think I can make you happy in a marriage. You see the men in my family are all impotent and being that you are now 34, you’d want a baby soon and I won’t be able to give you one.

No lie… super story material

First of all, if a man ever got to this point of having this sort of conversation then you know he has tried every trick possible and the babe has refused to get the hint. I mean, Spice has done mid-night prayers for the witches to leave him alone so they can marry, prayed against spiritual wives and strange women; I swear when she was telling me, I felt like I was watching a Yoruba movie.

The gist now is that last year Spice got pregnant.

Yes, she got pregnant to prove to her man that God can do anything but fail and that his fears of committing to her was nothing but just fear. At the back of her mind, it was meant to make everything better and they would be one happy family…jajajaja (I laugh in Spanish)

Since Spice got pregnant, her ‘boo’ started acting even worse. He rarely sees her these days, deleted her from his social media, put a girl’s picture as his DP and when she asked, he responded “how is that your business do I ask you the guys you put on your DP?” (meanwhile she has never put any guy, who born her?).

That’s how I went over to see her so I could help her, now that she is preggers and this babe had the audacity at night to say we should pray for the guy because someone told her the devil was trying to kill the guy by making them break up because she was his spiritual power. My people, no be movie plot, na real life story I dey narrate so!  I didn’t know when I started cussing as in actually swearing, pray for him? na God go punish the guy!

The way I see it, it’s her fault because she was hoping to be his messiah. This guy has never hidden his own baggage, and she has just refused to believe his reality and was forcing him to commit to her. My uncle used to say his wife was never his choice that she packed her load, moved into his house, started having kids, forcing him to be a husband and a father; a choice he neither made nor was prepared for.   A few decades later and it has now become a norm, babes like Spice forcing men into commitments and wondering why they won’t be faithful.

These days, listening to the baggage claim is a necessity.  It can consist of anything, from a string of random women he claims won’t leave him alone, random Beckys and Edible Caterings, or just being a dead weight that is a burden to the other person. Girls and guys you have to do your homework and not overlook anything especially if you choose to spend the rest of your life with the ‘said person’. I am not saying that single people should be too picky and expect too much from the people we want to date, but, we have to be sure that whoever we like and are trying to date is willing to empty their baggage and create space for us in their lives.

It’s common sense to listen and pay great attention to where people are in their lives and know for sure that no matter how much a person likes you, you cannot override their reality, you can only make suggestions and leave the decision to them. Girls forcing men into commitment will make your life a perfect script for an award-winning Yoruba movie like my friend Spice.

 

LOGIC OVER FEELINGS

So recently a friend’s boyfriend was hosting some friends over and my friend invited me to crash the party, which I hijacked and turned into some late night into the AM tea party.

*side note* there should be a law against Nigerians who go to other people’s get-together or party, empty-handed. By the time I got there, all they had left was alcohol and I rescued them with cupcakes and of course my signature tea and lemon for the night-cap. There I happened to meet Mr G’s daughter, a girl who would have been my step-daughter but let me even gist you about her father, Mr G

Sometime last year, when I was transitioning from an abusive relationship to singleton, I met this hot stud in Ikoyi traffic, cutting eye for me and trying to make me stop, dude gave his complimentary card to a street seller to give me, but I returned his card with mine, there was no way I was going to spend my credit to call him because he had a nice car. Mr G eventually called me two days after that episode, I had totally forgot about giving him my card so our first conversation was quite short.

That conversation was the start of Mr G in my life. Initially, I was very dismissive, but dude had special anointing for patience. Obviously I was not looking for a relationship but hey as a woman of course I enjoyed the attention I got.

If I by accident said I liked something, he’d get it and send to my office as a surprise. Mr G would give me BNatural spa vouchers during that time of the month to go for body scrubs and massages. *another side note* Dear Nigerian men, find out what a woman likes instead of trying to get her fat with dinner and ice-cream. Some of us appreciate the little things more than a Prada bag, mbok. Wait ooo, Prada is nice, but little things are romantic and more thoughtful.   This man knew I was a sucker for the little things, and he went above and beyond with the flowers, teas and spa vouchers. What didn’t Mr G do?

The problem was, at the time Mr G was about 50 years old, divorced with three children …adult children with the oldest being four years younger than I am. At that age, this man knew how ‘woo’ a woman, from sending flowers at least once a week to my office, sending me surprise lunches, sending his driver with a note for lunch in some coded spot in this Lagos. Mr G did it all, remaining small he could have sent a chopper to air-lift me from Lagos traffic.

I had told him from day one, I wasn’t going to sleep with him, but he kept doing all the right things, just to see how far he could push it, but nothing; my state of mind was too upside-down to even think of having random sex with anyone, either young or old.

When he realised I was not bulging, he resorted to sending me pictures of rings because he had fallen in love with me and he wanted to marry me. He then became extra possessive and protective which made it funny because I was not his girlfriend. One time, he got really upset because I went on a date with a ‘potential’, look eh,  ImaRose is www.nothing2hide.com.ng, dating you does not mean I am in a relationship with you, same goes for talking or sending kissy emojis so what I do and how I choose to spend my time is really none of your business until you take the step as a man and ask me out the proper way and I agree to be your girlfriend.

Back to Mr G, after a while, I started thinking; maybe it won’t be such a bad idea, I mean regardless of the 20 plus age difference, he didn’t look it and he was caring. So we started having the full disclosure of expectation discussion, the whole-nines; intimacy, finance, future kids, current kids e.t.c. I am someone who wants to know what I am getting into especially in a case like this, I mean what was his relationship with the ex-wife, because if they are still battling it out, I don’t want any part of it, does he welcome the idea of more kids and if yes, how many? what exactly was he looking for or was I to be his trophy woman? It as important that I knew these things and I advise every woman to do the same.

A little history, my mother had me before she got married and to her displeasure, her family forced her to have me then took me away from her so she wouldn’t see me as a barrier to living her own life. Two years later she met and married her husband, but I was always treated as the additional extra. As a child it hurt my feelings, so I grew up not liking her because her husband made her feel like having an external child was shameful which affected her decisions once I was involved.

Luckily,  my grandparents loved me and shielded me from that environment until I was almost a teenager. So, I have lived that life and I know what it is, and I would not feel comfortable if I was with a man who had children but wasn’t involved their lives for any reason.

Who else saw that picture of Alicia Keys, her husband Swizz beats, their two kids together, Swizz Beats’ older kids from his previous marriage and the Swizz Beats’ ex wife and her boyfriend on holiday together? I could totally do something like that. Life is too short, mbok!

So, I asked Mr G if he saw himself having more kids and how many, Mr G was like “oh no, no more kids for me, I can’t be changing diapers or doing school runs at this age”. Hmmmm…let’s just say I had to end it right there because that life was not what I wanted for myself.

Funny thing is, he never understood why I would shut him down like that despite the gifts, trips, e.t.c. He was used to younger single women, offering themselves based on his wooing skills but not this single woman.

See eh, as Miss Gidi likes to hammer into my ears these days, it is important that you know the life you want as a woman, that way you will know who you can live that kind of life. This relationship thing is clearly a combination of attraction, feelings and logic.

Can my Ima find me already because babe is getting tired of all this

AVOIDING TIME WASTERS

Stringing along is such a common thing in the Lagos dating scene. How can we truly differentiate between someone who is trying to get to know us and a time waster so we don’t waste our time or close the doors to other potentials just because we are hung on this guy or girl who is string us along many others to see if we can fight hard enough to earn our place as their “main”?

Well, I am NOT a relationship expert ooooh abeg, I am just sharing things my crazy mind has overtime picked up and assume to be a working formula and so far, works for me.

Ok. so, How do you know a timed-waster?

First of all, to be fair, I speak only for myself, I have been guilty of wasting someone’s time when I was hurt, but they always knew from the beginning because I told them, I wasn’t in a good place emotionally to even consider a relationship. That didn’t mean I didn’t enjoy having someone call me to see how work was or waking up to a text in the morning….. it feels good to have someone. So, I have done it, but it wasn’t intentional and eventually I had to admit to myself it was unfair to take a great guy’s attention knowing fully well my thoughts were blurry and we had ZERO chemistry to begin with. I wasn’t proud of it, my conscience didn’t let me rest…I apologised and moved on.

It happens often, men string women along, women string men along too for convenience or maybe the fear of being alone. Often times stringing along feeds the ego and satisfies that longing in men to get high on the thrill of the chase. Stringing along, completely disregards the lack of intentions of pursuing a relationship with the “bait”.

Identifying time wasters is easier than you think if you are a realistic person.

Some people are master-gamers and have a doctorate at what they do. So how do you know someone is wasting your time? Well, do they ever mention you and them in the context of “we” sometimes? Do they ever plan for a “real date” with you or is it “hanging out” “when are we seeing?” “when are you coming over?” or just texting and phone conversation type-situation? Do they make an effort to REALLY get to know you by wanting to know your background, present and past because getting to know someone is about collecting data, if they are not, then maybe they are just using you to pass time.

Do they disappear for days and then pop back up after a while? Do they have history that they are unwilling to share about past relationships? Does it feel right? I think I can stop here because I think you get the picture.

Avoiding time-wasters starts really by first knowing who you are as a person, what your values are, what values you can add in the life of another and what you are looking for in a mate. Sometimes, people don’t even know why they want in a boyfriend or a girlfriend other than the fact that it’s almost time to get married and they need to find that man or woman.

I feel it’s important to know, that way, you go into it with the right mindset and expectation and with the grace for the faults of another human being as no one is perfect. If you are just looking to hangout, hookup or whatever else they call it these days then you shouldn’t bother when your game meets someone’s game.

If you are looking for nourishing relationships like I am, then, you need to invest your time wisely by only giving people what they give back to you. For men, only pursue a woman who knows who she is and what she wants and make sure she can stand on her own.

I say that because a woman who doesn’t know herself could adjust temporarily to suit whatever you require of her, usually because there is an incentive; you represent something she lacks and is in need of. It’s very easy for a woman to pretend to love a man for the incentive (my taxi driver recently told me a story I can’t wait to share). For a man, if he is not making an effort, he is either newly hurt or not that into you, in other words, time-waster.

It doesn’t mean everything should turn into something serious, some people in the journey to finding love will be used as an experiment to see how it is..just make sure the lab rat is not you.

For example, last year I met this dude who chased life outta me, I just always thought he was too vague, so I put him on “watch and see/too good to be real list” and went into a lot of exploring data collection convos, eventually, this guy, popped out unknowingly saying “gosh is it true what they say? I can’t wait to experience what a Calabar girl feels like” well I dismissed the calabar part with “I’m not Calabar,I’m Ibibio and I am not a car and I will not be test-driven, sorry”. He cut his looses eventually on notice that ImaRose was bad-market.

Girls, until you have had that conversation of understanding the kind of relationship you both want and are currently pursuing, keep your legs closed!, unless of course you too are using the guy for sex or whatever (I don’t support it but I guess it’s a free world). Now that tinder has made it to Nigeria, trust me, to a guy, sex doesn’t mean he is serious so be wise.

What else can you do to avoid time wasters when dating? Here are some more tips:

  • Be clear about your dating intentions and expectations
  • Be selective about who you talk to and date (just because they’re interested or they’re attractive doesn’t make them an ideal partner)
  • Give it time, true intentions are exposed with time
  • Some people are actually just busy, rather than assume, ask questions
  • Assess people on their actions and not their words (time wasters will promise the world and deliver nothing)
  • Pay attention to the frequency and quality of their contact with you (are they actually trying to get to know you in a real way?)
  • Are they more interested in getting in your panties?
  • Do they talk about other people they’re “talking to” in the same way as they’re talking to you?
  • Trust your instinct (it’s your spirit trying to WARN you of something)

Finally, LIVE! Don’t focus too much on the outcome, focus more on the experience in the dating process , every now and then, assess how you feel and only continue if you feel good, the rest will fall into place when it’s supposed to.

Right now, I don’t care if someone sends me a text and if I do get one I’d text back when I can and not wait five hours just for the heck of it.If I have a question, I will ask and I expect nothing in return.

Until then, I’m simply appreciating the experience of getting to know interesting people, whatever the outcome.

Love,

ImaRose

RELATIONSHIPS, TRUST AND PASSWORDS

It has been a while since I (Miss Gidi) posted anything, not that anyone has noticed really  (:p) but Gidi life sure has a way of taking over daily living and somehow I end up postponing putting up a post (please forgive me). Luckily, I have a fab team of writers (and more joining soon) who help me out weekly and keep the blog alive while I hustle to pay the bills.

Over the weekend, a friend of mine buzzed me to know what my thoughts were on transparency in a relationship, why people think I am a great counselor on relationships, only God knows but she needed an unbiased opinion and somehow Miss Gidi came to mind.

When in a relationship, there’s usually the question of transparency, not with regards to dealing with the past (like we have discussed before) but with how much you should say to your partner about issues surrounding your life and most of all how much access you should give him/her to your social media accounts?

My friend had called me because after 2 years of dating her current boyfriend she felt it was time to give him more access into her life and by that I mean give him the passwords to all her social media accounts and her personal email. According to her, she had nothing to hide so it was only natural. In return (and I guess out of obligation) her boyfriend gave her access to his Instagram account only, which kind of made my friend a bit upset. Here she was, willing to take the risk and put everything on the table because she had nothing to hide and there he was, restricting the amount of access he could give to her.

Of course it has become a problem and she now has so many questions such as ‘why won’t he trust me?’ ‘but we’ve been together for a while now so shouldn’t this be normal?’ ‘if I’m willing to give him all why won’t he do the same?’ and yadi yadi yada. Her boyfriend though sees no reason to give her the password to every little thing especially since they have a relationship built on respect and trust for one another. She believes there is more to it; he must be hiding something, something that my affect their relationship negatively.

So she came to me, hoping for some validation I guess…and somehow I wasn’t on the same page with her.

See in my opinion, there should be some level privacy in a relationship, just because you are together no matter the length of time does not mean you have to give everything about yourself away. On the other hand I do not subscribe to secrecy in relationships so your partner should trust that they could always depend on you to be open and truthful to them when need be. For example, we could go through my emails or facebook messages together but you do need my password to ‘check’ anytime you feel the itch to.

Obviously my friend didn’t agree with my opinion, in her words “Boys have not shown me enough pepper in this life” so I decided to bring it up on the blog while she decided to go back to her initial plan of getting the passwords out of him by hook or by crook.

I believe she’s being unnecessarily paranoid and is at the verge of denting her relationship but I may be wrong so what do you think? Should she go ahead to push for the passwords or are you on my side for her to let it go? And if you’ve ever been or maybe you are in this situation right now, how did you handle it?

Use the comment box below to discuss

Love,

Convenient Relationships

If you met someone with whom you had a bond but the relationship wouldn’t be convenient, would you consider that relationship or would you prefer what is available?

That my friends was the question I was asked a few days ago while having a conversation/argument on long distance relationships and everything that has to do with it. We all know the usual arguments against long distance relationships such as proximity, trust and the typical ‘body no bi firewood’ points but at the end of the day, does the fear of being hurt and/or infidelity cause most single people to choose what is convenient over what may be ideal?

I must admit that some relationships are birthed out of convenience without considering the necessary factors required for a successful relationship which should lead to a lifetime together. For example, certain people in Lagos would not date anyone that lives over 5 miles from their place of residence (*cough* Islanders *cough cough*) but the question is, would you turn down the opportunity to be happy with someone who is everything you want and more for what is available?

Source: Elite Daily

It is very easy to develop a connection with someone who  you have easy access to, even when you know there is no future in it and they’re not adding any real value to your life; and it’s a lot easier to stay in a relationship that’s not working because it’s convenient and being alone or starting a new relationship is not easy…but then again nothing good comes easy right?

Recently, I have come across a lot of relationships that have been birthed out of the availability or over-availability of the other party, like the guy is always there to give the young lady a ride, he’s always around when she calls him, he gets her everything she wants; and for guys it’s that the chic is always there, she helps him around his house, cooks, cleans, gives him the ‘cookie’ when he needs it and so many other selfish reasons. Sometimes they settle and then after marriage, one or both parties ends up regretting their convenient decision and tries to figure out a way to work it out or walk out of it.

Convenient relationships go beyond distance, sometimes it has to do with other factors such as availability of the person in question, filling a lonely void, if he/she fits what is required of you (in the case of unreasonable lists from third parties) and many other reasons which do not answer the question of ‘seeing a future with that person’.

Soure: RotteneCards

I once had to steer clear from a certain someone because it was obvious that the only reason he actually considered dating me was because I was the available/convenient choice not necessarily his ‘ideal’ choice. It was so obvious that even when I asked the typical ‘why me?’ question, his second reason was because I was ‘available’ while his first was that I was the most compatible fit. I pretty much felt like he had a check list and I had ticked most of the boxes especially since he missed a vital point of if he actually cared for me and saw a future with me.

Please note that I am not saying relationships must be difficult and/or problematic but if you met someone with whom you had a bond but the relationship wouldn’t be convenient, would you consider that relationship or would you prefer what is available?

 

 

The Marriage Ultimatum

While driving this morning, I heard the song ‘Marry me’ by Falz featuring Poe and Yemi Alade which basically illustrates the desperation of most single women with a very catchy tune, of course Miss Gidi being Miss Gidi, it made me think about the whole ‘ultimatum’ and how most single women these days have a time frame with the expectation that when it elapses, their partners better be on one knee asking the famous question ‘Will you marry me?’

A while ago, I had the opportunity of having a conversation with a lady who was in a new relationship. Like most women who are in fairly new relationships, she talked about all the wonderful things this man had to offer and how she really liked him but then ended everything with the statement ‘with the way things are going, I’m sure he will propose in another six months’, and in my usual manner I had to ask the reason behind the ‘six months plan’ of which she answered ‘Ah! How much longer does he need? abeg I am not 21 for him to be wasting my time and I already told him I don’t have more than one year to give him’

It’s not news that most women (and some men as well)  are scared of being hurt, scared of being taken advantage of but most of all scared of the length of time they would spend in a relationship that would not end up in marriage. I once heard that the number of years you spend with someone before you marry them is a sunk cost and should not be considered when making future marriage decisions. If you don’t know, a sunk cost is defined as a cost that has already been incurred and cannot be recovered, which basically means the six years you spend with a partner should not be the criteria for deciding whether or not to spend six more years with him/her, what’s done is done and there’s no going back. Although this example is unconventional, I am pretty sure some of you will never forget the definition of sunk costs for the rest of your lives (sunk cost is an accounting term by the way 🙂 )

The marriage ultimatum (either direct or indirect) is quite popular with the women, young ladies give their men a time frame, requiring them to propose or they walk away by a set time because they cannot afford to hang around with the hopes of getting married. Granted some men need the push and may be slow to consider marriage but should an ultimatum be given? Doesn’t that take away from the excitement/surprise of being proposed to? Or am I missing something here…

I remember when an acquaintance came to me with the wonderful news of her engagement and as expected I asked how he proposed of which she replied Miss Gidi, we’ve been together for a long time now and I told him to propose before December or it would be over, what else is he waiting for?. You can say she replied me in the typical Nigerian manner of replying a question with a question but it looked to me like even though she was ready, he was being pushed to be ready based on her ultimatum.

It’s obvious that the older a woman gets, the more impatient she becomes in a relationship and is often ready to skip the dating stage and run straight into marriage. This impatience usually begins once she has hit her late twenties and as expected the pressure from her family has been turned all the way up. I mean ‘older married friends’ have said statements to me like ‘at your age, one year is too long to date o, if after 3 months he is not talking marriage abeg move on’

Of course the timing of a relationship is relative, for some 3 months is enough while for others it’s too short, but my question is when is a marriage ultimatum important ? why should it be given? or is an ultimatum simply a sign of  desperation? 

By the way, the ‘engaged acquaintance’ is still single and the man is married to someone else

We’ve got mail: Confused and in love

I had something else planned for today’s post..actually some interesting gist but when I got this email from Miss D, I knew I had to put my gist on hold. Before I go on, I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone that has shown me so much love since SingleinGidi started, it feels good to know that other people can relate and also find my ramblings interesting …*group hhuuggggg* ..now on to Miss D’s email

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dear miss gidi

Hello Miss Gidi, 

I came across your blog from a post on Instagram, decided to check it out and since then I have found it interesting. I don’t even close the page, I just keep refreshing it hoping for an update.

I decided to reach out to you and other readers concerning my present relationship because there is really nobody close to me I can talk to without being misunderstood and also my story is related to your previous post concerning dealing with the past.

I have been courting someone for about 8 months now, he lives in the U.S while I am here in Nigeria. Truth be told, I am yet to see him face to face but I intend visiting next month. We met through his cousin and started talking, I talk more with him than any boyfriends I’ve had in the past, from calls, Skype, BBM,Whatsapp and whatever medium you can think of. I know he cares about me and we both love each other even if both families think it’s not safe to have a relationship with someone you’ve never seen in person. I understand their worry but I choose to go with my gut, I have promised myself that if this doesn’t work out then I would try something else. We’re  both young so there isn’t any rush; he’s doing very well for himself with a good job in the U.S while I’m just doing my NYSC; even with all of this, he wants us to get married and start our lives together and I am very happy about that.


Back to the main issue, I happen to be secretive by nature … I don’t know if it’s even a curse or if I unconsciously keep things to myself but my fiancé expects me to tell him everything because he does. He wants to know everything even the unimportant details and when I choose not to say, he ends up thinking I am deceitful. The worse part is that he thinks my words do not match my actions and even when we make up, he ends up looking for ways to find out what I am doing (he is into IT and I don’t know if he bugged my phone because he finds out somehow). He also claims he has people who give him information on me and when I get angry about it, he then says I am bothered because I am not doing the right thing so I’m scared of what he might find out. 

Since we were ‘engaged'(committed to each other) he wants to know everything about my past. I told him all the important ones I could remember (that’s the first step right?) but then he came up with some rules in the name of making our relationship better; he said I cannot give any new guy my number, I must stop all contact with my ex and toasters and I cannot have more than 6 male friends (and all of these male friends must be in serious relationships, engaged or even married.)

I have a problem with this and I am very confused, I wonder if this is what it means to be committed and I’m not ready to be serious or is it just my fiancé and his “Oyinbo” mentality.

On one hand, I don’t want to lose him, because he is all I want in a man, and on the other hand I feel he is dictating everything about my life and I would end up doing all these things just to have him rather than doing them to make my relationship work. Don’t get me wrong, I know being friends with an ex is not healthy for the relationship, but still…all the other rules should be my decisions not him mandating it. 

Please let me know what you think  because I am very confused.

Regards,

Miss D

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Hi Miss D,

Thank you so much for following the blog, I really appreciate it when people find time to read the posts. Posts are usually up on Wednesdays so you can save your refreshing for Wednesdays (at about noon time, that’s if my life offline does not take up my time). Anyway to the topic at hand..

Long distance relationships can be tough especially in a case like yours where you are yet to see him in person. Communication and trust play a huge role so it is very important to be open and work on that trust that you both need. From what you say, it seems your fiancé doesn’t trust you yet which is why he wants to know so much and also moderate the number of male friends you have. If I am to be completely honest with you, most Nigerians in diaspora hear all sorts of stories about girls living here and somehow they do not trust anyone who happens to be here. (sadly)

What I recommend though, is that you make peace ’till you get to see him in person and then you can talk about it face to face. At that point, you’ll be able to observe his body language and much more.

On that note, I do not think I am the perfect person to respond to this because I have not gone through this situation before so I will be putting it up for others to contribute because some of the readers could include people who have gone through this situation as well and would have the perfect advice for you.

Once again thank you so much  for reaching out and I hope you will be able to find the answers you need.

Regards,

Miss Gidi

 

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So there you have it, what do you guys think Miss D should do? Please help a sister out.

Just so you know, my response was sent earlier and Miss D has given permission for her letter to be posted on the blog. If you want to reach out to me or share your own story, you can send an email to singleingidi@yahoo.com. Also remember to follow SingleinGidi on Facebook, twitter and instagram